The Way Way Back

2013 coming-of-age story

Rating: 13/20 (Jen: 17/20)

Plot: Mopey introverted Duncan, a "3" according to the jerk his mother is currently dating, has to vacation at a beach house against his will with his mother, that jerk of a boyfriend, and his daughter. He's not having a good time at all and gaining a little bit too much of an understanding of how adults operate until he befriends the manager of a nearby water park. He passes his days with some part-time work at the water park, and some other stuff happens.

I didn't understand the titular reference to station wagons until I looked it up, and I'd even experienced riding in one in the 80's with a friend named Vernon. The 1980's, obviously when this movie is supposed to be taking place, right? Well, maybe not. The characters are using MP3 players, and I can't figure out if those devices are anachronistic or if the look of the water park (although honestly, water parks are kind of timeless), the aforementioned station wagon, the bicycle, the Candyland game, or a scene where people are breakdancing on cardboard are. I thought a reference to popping and locking pushed this into more contemporary times, but popping and locking is apparently much older than I thought. I can't recall any modern references, but I can't recall any references from the 80's either except for some soundtrack selections, including and REO Speedwagon song that the main character sings. Of course, he's listening to that song on what appears to be an Ipod, so who knows what's going on. These are the exact kinds of things that keep me awake at night, by the way. I might have connected with Duncan several years ago, but I had trouble doing it now, mostly because he didn't have much personality at all. And he had bad posture. And I couldn't tell what decade this took place in. I thought Liam James was pretty good although I got the impression that directors Jim Rash (the dean from Community) and Nat Faxon (who you'll almost recognize), both who play employees at the water park, told the kid to try his best to act like the introverted young men in countless other movies. Allison Janney is almost funny as an exaggerated woman going through a midlife crisis and people usually paid to be funny--Minnie Ripperton's kid, Robert Corddry, and Steve Carell--aren't really allowed to be funny at all. Amanda Peet plays a whore. AnnaSophia Robb really plays the most likable character in this movie except for the ubiquitous Sam Rockwell who is allowed to be funny. I assume a lot of what he does here is improvisational, and he's likable enough but does sort of just seem like a perfectly-cut piece to fit into this safe little movie. For an indie coming-of-age that I think is going for offbeat or at least a little different, this sure feels a lot like every other indie coming-of-age movie.

I don't use labels on this blog anymore, but if I did, I'd be able to use my "eyepatch" tag. The kid with the eyepatch gave the writers an excuse to make a Star Wars reference that was sort of funny. Actually, now that I think of it, those were the stiff old-school Star Wars action figures the kid with the eyepatch was playing with. I think this movie was supposed to take place in the 80's! Damn, this is frustrating!

Motorama

1991 road trip comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Ten-year-old Gus decides to run away from home. He does it in style though, first stealing a Mustang and fashioning some leg extenders so that he can drive the thing. He starts out on an Odyssey across the country, stopping at participating Motorama gas stations to collect cards for a game in which he'll win a buttload of money by spelling out M-O-T-O-R-A-M-A. Unfortunately, he can't find the R. He does find a lot of eccentric characters, however.

Drew Barrymore is on a lot of the poster/dvd covers for this movie, and she's in the movie for literally about ten seconds and gets no lines.

This is one of the stranger coming-of-age movies you'll ever see, not surprising since it was penned by screenwriting genius Joseph Minion who wrote both After Hours and Vampire's Kiss. It's a surreal episodic little adventure that you're not sure is a comedy until you start laughing. There's a great cast. Jordan Christopher Michael plays the kid, this really unlikable little runt who steals, curses, and litters. He reminds me a little too much of Macaulay Culkin's character in the Home Alone movies though. John Diehl plays a dopey gas station employee named Phil who's got this interesting way of trying to impress God. The beautiful Jack Nance is hilarious in his small role as a hotel manager. Only Nance can deliver the line "I forgot to tell you. . .if you catch any squirrels, give them to me" like he does. Garrett Morris and Michael J. Pollard are funny, and both Meat Loaf and Flea are in this movie. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Meat Loaf, Flea, and Eraserhead have been in another movie together. Best of all is seeing Sandy Baron--one of my favorite Seinfeld characters, Jack Klompus--who plays a really creepy guy. All kinds of odd little details--currency that is very clearly not American, a road map that is very clearly not accurate, arm wrestling, multiple occurrences of auxiliary characters thinking the protagonist is a grown man or even an elderly man, and a trip through a Purgatory called Essex which features a Klan lynching and a priest being killed. The coolest scene might be where Gus meets another character, a much older character, who has also been playing the game. This movie has a similar rhythm to After Hours and might jerk around a little too much for its own good, but fans of existential coming-of-age road movies might want to check out this little gem. 

Star Slammer

1986 women's prison space adventure

Rating: 5/20

Plot: A scantily-clad woman is arrested and taken to a women's prison on a space ship. She tries to escape.

The other title--Prison Ship--would have given away that this is a women's prison/science fiction mash-up. I thought I was just popping in a Star Wars rip-off, but then there's lesbianism and cat fights with other scantily-clad women. Fred Olen Ray--co-director of Dinosaur Island, a movie that barely looks like it has even one director--created this gem, and a glance at his filmography probably should have at least given away that there would be some sleaze. The heroine, played by Sandy Brooke who reminded me a little of Joanna Kerns, was cute enough and tough-looking enough, and the other women brought just the perfect amount of skank to their roles. The beginning part of the movie takes place on some anonymous planet, but I'm going to go ahead and guess that it was filmed on Earth. There's a bulky vehicle that I'm sure was borrowed from some other B-movie and a variety of alien things that look kind of cool along with a bunch of incoherent action. The majority of the movie takes place on the ship, and it gets a little tiresome and redundant after a while. The sets are cheap, and the thrills are cheaper. No amount of rubber rodents, robot rodents voiced by the director, a handful of goofy-looking alien guys, or over-the-top dialogue of Bantor--a Vader-type character played by the incomparable Ross Hagen--could save this movie. And neither can a five-minute scene where one of the women finds a harmonica and plays it.

My wife saw a few scenes from this and said, "I don't like this movie." But she did miss the sleaziest parts.

The Avengers

2012 superhero mayhem

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A glowing cube--perhaps the same one from a Transformers movie or something--threatens the existence of mankind, and Samuel L. Jackson and his motherfucking eyepatch have to assemble the titular group of superheroes in order to save everybody. The boring emo villain from Thor's movie is also involved. Thor and his hammer, Iron Man and his snarkiness, Scarlett Johansson and her glorious posterior, Captain America and his patriotic shield, some guy with a bow and arrow, and the Incredible Hulk and his magic indestructible pants team up to deliver all sorts of one-liners and do superheroic things.

I really got tired of hearing about this cube. Everytime one of the characters mentioned "the cube," I just thought, "The cube? Really? Is that the best they could do?" This movie depends on character development from the characters' individual movies except for the two who don't have their own movies. There's potential with Johansson's character maybe and I like her costume because I'm a pervert, but the bow-and-arrow guy (Buckeye?) played by Jeremy Renner is just a dull character. The new Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) is fine; this is the new best movie with the Hulk in it. I still think Chris Evans is perfect for Captain America although he's a little overshadowed by all the personality around him, especially with Downey Jr.'s arrogant Iron Man. And Samuel L. is fine although I prefer him in more realistic roles like he got in Pulp Fiction or the Star Wars prequels. He kind of seems like he's going through the motions here although that could be because he can only use one of his eyes. But look at all those characters! It was a lot to keep track of, and since this is a comic book movie, the plot was almost incomprehensible to me, at least for the first half before everything comes together. All I really understood completely was that there was a cube because that was referred to about three hundred and fifty times. If I had played one of those drinking games where I took a shot each time a character said "the cube," I would have died from alcohol poisoning. Once things were cleared up, this story's a pretty thin earth things vs. alien things with the titular superheroes battling some fairly nondescript and unmemorable space beings who were apparently brought here by the cube. The aliens do have a funky gyrating caterpillar thing, and the destruction to the poor city during the very long climactic action sequence is an impressive demonstration of terrific special effects and creative camera movements. There's one sequence in particular that I really enjoyed where the camera was swooping around to the different characters kicking ass--like Thor would hammer somebody 200 feet away while the camera follows to reveal Buckeye shooting an arrow which the camera would follow to the Hulk smashing something. It was very well done, almost poetic comic book character movements and cartoon violence.

For those of you who keep up with this sort of thing--Is Buckeye going to get his own movie eventually? How about the cube?

Cory's Birthday Movie Celebration: Godzilla vs. Destoroyah

1995 monster movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Godzilla's having an allergic reaction and develops a nasty glowing rash. It's painful, and he decides to take his frustration out on the architecture. Meanwhile, some scientists invent themselves a new kind of crab that threatens humanity. Godzilla's son, Godzilla Jr., shows up, a little upset because dad hasn't been attending his t-ball games. A bunch of fire happens, and the Japanese Al Gore starts telling everybody that the world is going to either blow up or melt. They combat the inevitable with ice tanks and ice planes while more fire happens. Then, almost shockingly, there's even more fire!

Fire! This is the type of movie that can burn you if you get too close to it. I mean, just take a gander at that bitchin' poster there! What the hell is this movie called, by the way? Cory called it Godzilla vs. Destroyer which seems to be what the characters in this are saying. IMDB has it as Godzilla vs. Destroyah while most other sources seem to add the extra O. I think the title screen had the extra O, too. I'm pretty sure this movie is the victim of a typographical error, and those, as you know, can be more deadly dangerous than Godzilla.

I think this is the third time that I've watched a Godzilla movie on Cory's birthday which, if you think about it, is actually the lamest present imaginable. I'm going to start doing this for other people. Oh, it's your birthday, Dad? I'll watch that time travel movie with Superman. For my brother's birthday, I can watch Amelie. For my wife's birthday, I can pop in First Blood. No cost to me and I get to watch a movie. Anyway, happy birthday, Cory. Last year, I goofed and picked a random Godzilla movie that wasn't one of his faves. This year, I grabbed one that he actually likes.

This movie is almost as good as its poster up there with all that fire and smoke. Of course, we all know that there's no way a movie can be as good as that poster. The world would melt. The big guy looks extra menacing in this since parts of him are glowing orange. He also looks extra pissed, right at the beginning of all this before the giant explosion that precedes the title screen. That explosion is there to foreshadow more explosions. It seems the people in charge of this 90's series asked themselves, "What is missing from those original Godzilla movies?" and answered it with "Extraneous explosions!" It all matches the explosive mood that Godzilla seems to be in at the beginning of all this. He even shoots flames from his mouth that are capable of making water explode! I thought maybe I had missed something from a previous movie. I mean, why's he so irritable? Luckily, science is used to explain it all logically--Godzilla's got a power reactor for a heart. I think E.T. had something similar going on, but it didn't put him in a terrible mood. The special effects in this thing are a little fancier than the older movies, for better or worse. Some are pretty bad though. Near the beginning, you've got a couple shots with Godzilla behind the city, just dwarfing the buildings, with people in the foreground who could easily see or hear the monster not reacting at all. The big ice plane often looks like a toy, and some of the cars look even worse. For the most part, however, the special effects are pretty cool with stuff turning all orange and explode-y, unfortunate fish decomposition, Godzilla slithering around on the surface of the water all Loch Nessy. The mini-Destoroyah don't move all that smoothly or realistically, but I liked watching them. In other Godzilla movies, the giant things are menaces to whole cities or all of humanity and the destruction is mostly in long shots. Here, these little guys let us see some hand-to-crab-leg-and-blue-steam combat which I think makes the terror a little more personal. Or at least intimate. There's a scene with a woman in a car that reminds me of Jurassic Park or something with some very real tension and a camera filming as close as the scared victim is. The little Destoroyah guy even has an Alien-esque mandible extension that, to me at least, made the whole scene with the woman in the car seem a little dirty. One goofy special effect that I really liked--when that blue steam hit the soldiers battling the mini-Destoroyah, this little swirly thing appeared on their chest before they perished. If you have to have a monster kill you, you might as well die in a psychedelic way. It took a while for the action in this movie--well, after the initial pissed-off Godzilla scene, of course--to get going. I got a little bored with the people parts of the movie, and there was a little too much science going on. Once the dangerously radioactive Godzilla shows up again and that ice plane has to get involved, it's pretty much non-stop explosions though. That scene with the ice plane, despite it looking like a toy, was fun, and I'm happy that director Takao Okawara was able to find the coolest fucking guy in Japan to pilot the thing. The fight scenes that make up the last thirty minutes of the movie are pretty badass although explosion and white flash heavy. I still have no idea how all the mini-Destoroyah combined into one giant one, but I'm glad there weren't added scenes with scientists explaining it to me. Some spewing liquid was an added treat. Apparently, Godzilla's fire not only makes water explode but can make Destoroyah regurgitate egg yolk. Things even get a little emotional at the end with a touching father-son reunion. But of course, that's nearly destoroyahed by the two chicks in the helicopter describing what is happening. That was commentary that I didn't need. Godzilla's eventual meltdown, almost like a reptilian Wicked Witch, was downright grotesque and surprisingly moving. And a final shot with a zoom through all this smoke and destruction to a shot of Godzilla Jr. was terrific. There's also a great score that reminds me of the 60's Godzilla scores just like it should. Well, except for the repetitive rousing numbers for the scenes with the ice plane and ice tanks. Those were pretty lame. Despite this movie's flaws, this is a really entertaining action movie. I do think I prefer the older ones though.

Two more little things that I liked in this movie: 1) There's a character named Commander Asshole. Well, unless I heard that wrong. 2) There's a scene with a guard in an aquarium where he is whistling "Singin' in the Rain" and stops to say hello to a fish. I wouldn't mind seeing a prequel about this guy and his relationship with the one fish out of all the fish in the aquarium that he interacts with.

My spellcheck told me that destoroyah is not a real word.

True Legend

2010 martial arts movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: A war hero retires to start a family. His pissy adopted brother disrupts that, kills their father, and steals his son. With the help of a pair of jovial but mean gods, Su has to train to meet his brother again and save his family.

The line "You killed my father!" isn't in this, but it might as well be. I wish I would have started keeping track a long time ago of kung-fu movies where somebody gets mad at somebody else for killing his father.

I have trouble deciding whether I like this new martial arts movies. On the one hand, this is directed by Woo-ping Yuen, so you might guess (correctly) that the fight choreography is stunning. The story and a lot of the special effects have some issues, however. You almost have to look at this in three parts. The first part is standard stuff and suffers a bit from a whole bunch of those big swoopy majestic CGI effect moves complete with those impressive whoosh sounds to show sweeping landscapes or allow the camera to fly over the top of a giant battle. What was the first movie to use these because I'd like to have a word with it. There are a lot of effects in this first battle scene; still, it's a thrill, magically fast and bloody. And you get to see a guy with horns on his hat kill a pot of water. We skip ahead to the family drama and a brother with armor sewn into his skin who can make his veins turn a dark gray color. The movie's main conflict begins, and our protagonist and wife are thrown into some raging rapids where they disappear in a very weird way with some of the fakest CGI you'll ever see. Maybe it suffered from high-definition, but the effects just looked strange to me. And there was an over-dependence on them. CGI-birds? Why? Anyway, the bulk of this movie is what I'm calling the second part, where we meet some mystical characters who are either hallucinations or deities. The second sighting of those two guys, almost a wacky circus balancing act, is deliriously awesome, and the training sequences where the hero is throwing down with them are pretty great. And it builds to the big showdown where the movie should have probably ended. However, there's tragedy, and a new ending is required so we have a third part featuring wrestlers and David Carradine. I'm not going to complain about David Carradine ever, but this stuff with his wrestling thugs seems anticlimactic after the brother-on-brother action has completed. And one of the wrestlers, a guy with an eyepatch, has a distracting giant hole in the crotch of his pants. I assume that was not a CGI-hole, but it might have been. There's also a scene where David Carradine Barry-Bonds one of his wrestlers which is just dopey. This third part does showcase the drunken boxing beautifully and has an exhilarating sequence in a bar where a fight between a pair of inebriated guys transforms into a breakdance showdown that would put Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo to shame. But since our main story is done, it's all superfluous, isn't it? I liked Wenzhuo Zhao as the lead, especially when he's bearded and disheveled. He doesn't have a ton of charisma, but he was playing a badly beaten character for most of this and charisma probably wouldn't have been appropriate. I'd like to see more of him though. And the God of Wushu character was played by Jay Chou who is Kato in whatever green superhero movie has Kato in it. Either that or he's Kato in an O.J. Simpson biopic.

Kent recommended this. I wanted to like it better.

Smoke

1995 dramedy

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The lives of a cigar shop owner, a kid who doesn't seem to know his own name, a one-armed filling station owner, a one-eyed woman, her two-eyed pregnant daughter, a novelist struggling with the loss of his wife, and somebody named The Creeper intersect. The story drifts, like smoke.

Well, look at that. It's an entire movie based on a Tom Waits' song. OK, so that's a stretch, but it's the kind of agility that I'm allowed because nobody reads this anyway. This is reminiscent of those other random-characters'-lives-colliding movies from the 1990s--Grand Canyon, Short Cuts--and although it's advertised as a comedy and does have its share of humorous moments, I was more touched than tickled. See, I can write stuff like that and get away with it, too. Smoke is a very human jumble of stories. You connect with the characters created by Harvey Keitel, William Hurt, Harold Perrineau, Forest Whitaker, Ashley Judd, Stockard Channing. You spend about thirteen seconds watching them, and it feels like you've known them for years. Keitel's performance is just about perfect. The scene where he's showing Hurt his photo album with that "You'll never get it if you don't slow down, my friend." His Christmas story with the slow zoom to his face and sink to nothing but his lips. Wow. More than a few of the scenes in this movie hit me hard. The scene with the kid and his dad, the extended shot of Ashley Judd with the smoke from her cigarette drifting up to her face after her parents leave, the scene at the picnic table that is completely without dialogue. This is a simple story about complex lives, one of those rare movies that somehow manages to seem more real than reality. My question: Is there a movie with a Screamin' Jay Hawkins song that isn't good? I bet there isn't. I can make claims like that on here because nobody reads this anyway. It's also the same reason that I can get away with calling something a dramedy.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark Redux

1981 adventure

Rating: 20/20 (Jen: 16/20; Dylan: 20/20; Emma: 16.5/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: The titular archeologist/professor globetrots in search for Noah's boat. He runs into some Nazis, a group of people who historically weren't very nice.

I've already written poorly about this movie twice, but Abbey picked it for family movie night. It's not one that I'll complain about having to watch again. That's part of the beauty of the thing. It's more than likely the film that I've seen the most times with the possible exception of Toy Story. Anyway, I'm dividing my thoughts into three categories for this--questions, noticings, and things-I-freaking-love.

Questions:

How can this be rated PG? It's got face melting/exploding. Face exploding, by the way, would be a horrible way to go, wouldn't it?

What's the body count? Next time I watch this, I'm counting.

Where the hell did Belloq get that goofy outfit and that staff? The only thing I can think of is that there must be a Ark-Opening Clothes "R" Us on that creepy island.

Speaking of that creepy island, how's Indy ride on the outside of a submarine for the distance shown on the map? Dylan explained that submarines are faster when they surface, so they probably wouldn't have gone under. If not, then why would they even use a submarine in that situation?

Is that Ralph Macchio preparing dates?

Why don't the Germans wonder why there are people off digging in a different place from everybody else? Belloq eventually notices them, but you'd think somebody would walk up to them and ask, "What the heck are you digging here for?"

How do you get a monkey to Heil Hitler salute? Or are monkeys just naturally hateful creatures? I wouldn't put it past them.

How many extras were in this movie? The big dig, the streets of Cairo. There are so many people in this!

How can Indy fans have so much of a problem with aliens and refrigerators in the new movie but not have a problem with melting faces and burning crates in this one? And speaking of the swastika burning scene, what's up with that rat? He looks like he's about to boogie.

Was Shooby LaBoof conceived on a submarine? I'm going to have to check the date for that fourth movie! If he was, it explains a lot.

Noticings:

All these movies start with monoliths, don't they? Or maybe just a plain rock.

There's a lot of man screaming in this movie. 1) The guy with the stocking cap screams at the statue as they're trudging through the forest. 2) Alfred Molina screams like a woman at a skeleton. I also freaking love how that skeleton turns his head to glance at Molina. 3) Toht (a role turned down by Klaus Kinski if you believe a word that guy says) gives his first girly scream when he grabs the hot medallion. Hot Medallion would be a great band name, by the way. 4) Random guy with turban screams when the Well of Souls is opened. Then there's Sallah's "Eeahahahhaheh" which, at the very least, isn't all that feminine. 5) The cobwebby skeletons in the Well of Souls scream. That makes even less sense than all of those different kinds of snakes living in there. 6) Toht gives the best scene of the movie during once the spirits from the ark start wreaking havoc until 7) the guy who screams after him manages to top it!

Scream bonus: The Wilhelm Scream is used when a dude spills from the back of the truck in the big chase scene.

The natives with their spears and blowguns are as accurate as the stormtroopers in the Star Wars movies. And a bonus question. There were a lot of spears being thrown in that chase scene. Once you're an extra in that scene who has thrown his spear--you know, shot your wad--do you keep chasing? You were probably handed another spear, right?

The guy trying to outdrink Marion looks like George Wendt, Norm from Cheers. I don't think that's a coincidence. All guys who look like that are big drinkers.

Indy almost consumes that "bad date" several times. It's a neat little detail.

The map room has an obelisk. I'm too lazy to see if that is architecturally correct. I had Indiana Jones actions figures and a map room, by the way. That's a really cool scene in the movie with the beam of light and Indy brushing away sand, but it wasn't all that fun to reenact in your bedroom. Also, there's one building in the map room that looked like it had been tagged. Was a street gang down there at one point or did the Nazis mark it?

Things I Freaking Love about This Movie:

That first shot of Indy--absolutely iconic. Framed by waterfall and mist, quick edited shots of bullwhip frenzy, Jones stepping out from the shade. So awesome. To think that Indy was almost Tom Selleck makes me slightly ill.

Indy's shadow on the wall of Marion's bar. Also so awesome. And I love their dynamics in that scene with dialogue perfection. You find out just enough about their past without it seeming like it was written in a script just so the audience could catch up.

Sallah: "Why does the floor move?" At this point, by the way, Jennifer informed me that she had never seen this movie all the way through. What the hell?

Toph! Love his beady little eyes. His little giggle--once when he walks past Belloq after they seal Indy and Marion in the Well of Souls and later after the ark is opened. And his hanger is the most bad ass hanger in movie history. And yes, I'm including the hangers in Birdemic: Shock and Terror. And that bald head of Toph's? It's nefarious.

I love how Indy fights so dirty during the brawl with that big bald Nazi guy--dirt in the eyes, using a chunk of wood as a weapon, the old point-at-your-opponent's-shoe-to-divert-his-attention trick.

How Belloq says "idiot."

Head explosion!

"It's not the years. It's the mileage."

The way Indy saves Molina by grabbing his belt. Poor Molina, by the way. This was his first movie, I think, and he starts his career by having tarantulas all over him, screaming like a girl, and getting killed by a booby trap that he had already seen which makes him one of the dumbest characters ever.

That gunfight in Marion's place? The best ever, the type that can make me type in hyperbole! But that motley crew of thuggery, the "Whisky?" from Indy, a guy punching with an arm that is on fire? All sans music, just the crackling fire, the rat-a-tat gunfire, breaking bottles. What a terrific scene.

Another action sequence--the Cairo street brawling. It's lively and exciting in the midst of an adventure story, but there's such a personality with the fight scenes. There's humor mixed in with the mayhem, all while Harrison Ford's got the runs.

And that guy who Marion threatens with a pan only to watch him pull out a knife? The dude's teeth are even scarier than his blade!

I love the mystical guy with the high-pitched voice they visit. You know he's a mystic because he's wearing bright blue and has his own telescope.

Terry Bradshaw's "Waa-ehh" as he gets run over. And before that, the "Let's see how you like it!" toss out the front window. Indy's so pissed. Before that, there's a shot of a guy on the windshield and Indy and his passenger look at each other and laugh. That guy's expression and the shared laugh of enemies makes me smile just thinking about it.

Indy putting his hat on against a sunset backdrop--just beautiful. That is one evil-looking sky as they find the edges on top the Well of Souls.

Not everybody likes the music in this (I'm eyeing you here, Laurence), but I love it. It's the soundtrack for my childhood outside play. That's the music I heard when I ran around my backyard with a fake gun and an invisible whip, and it's the music I heard when I stepped up the plate in the last inning of a baseball game in college with a chance to drive home the winning runs. In this movie--the familiar music when Indy, fleeing from 15,000 natives while dust from the cave flies off him in that terrific scene, swings from a vine like Shooby LaBoof and dives into the water. Boom!

After the booby-trap-packed cave climaxing with a fiberglass boulder chase, I'm hooked forever. If you're not, you're a child without a heartbeat.

Top men. Endless boxes. Where was that shot? That place has to really exist. What's in all the boxes? Other than dead alien bodies, of course.

What did I miss? What do you love about this movie?

Moonrise Kingdom

2012 Wes Anderson movie

Rating: 17/20 (Jen: 17/20)

Plot: The troubled daughter of attorneys and an outcast scout run away from home and camp respectively in order to have a romantic adventure. Scout Master Ward, a handful of scouts, the Bishop parents, and the island's law enforcement search for the couple.

Wes Anderson's movies, maybe this one more than any of the others, are like Precious Moments figurines made for hipsters. If you don't like his movies--especially The Life Aquatic--you aren't going to like this one either. And if you do, you're likely to be a fan of this one. A lot of new faces to the Wes Anderson world--lovely Edward Norton, Bruce Willis with a little hair, Frances McDormand. It's an oddball world to inhabit, like its own little island. Coincidentally, this takes place on a little island, the kind of setting that part of me knows actually exists but that seems like it can only exist in a Wes Anderson movie. These characters are all his type of characters, nutty as can be, and I guess I can see how some people might have a problem with that. Of course, you've got a bunch of kids in there, too, and although there are a couple moments when the kids are kids--as in the type of child actor I normally really hate--they're given such funny things to do and say here that I didn't mind it. Oh, and Bob Balaban is in this, a bearded Bob Balaban, and his ridiculous opening narrative bit squeezed the first laugh out of me. This is a very funny movie. My favorite bit might have been a big action sequence involving a motorcycle, the flash of an arrow, a dog, a tree, and lefty scissors. Lefty scissors! You know what Alfred Hitchcock always said about lefty scissors, right? I'm paraphrasing, but it was something about how if a director shows the audience a pair of lefty scissors, you can safely predict that those lefty scissors will be used at some point in the movie. I was never clear on what happened during that scene, by the way, but it was shockingly funny stuff. Like with the underrated The Life Aquatic, this gets really nutsy at the end, but here, as it was there, the nutsiness really fits with the themes. This also looks a lot like a Wes Anderson movie, almost identically colored and textured as The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Of course, you just need to see a single frame of this movie to know who its director is, and again, that's not going to be a good thing for all viewers. And the opening shots, a journey through the Bishop's house that reminds me of the tour of the Zissou's submarine, is remarkable in how it sets the tone for the whole movie and gives such a good introduction of the Bishop family despite not including any dialogue. I also loved the music, some from Devo guy Mark Mothersbaugh and a lot of playful vocal classical stuff. I still can't get a final "cuckoo" out of my brain, and one number with angelic voices and boy scout trumpets was something I almost thought only I could hear, an ear hallucination or something. Oh, and there was a blast from my childhood with the work of Benjamin Britten. And a lot of Hank Williams. It's all just so beautiful, and I really didn't want the movie to end.

Side note: The theater we saw this at has a summer midnight movies thing. I tried to convince Jennifer to stick around and watch The Room, but she had no interest.

Ridicule

1996 witty movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Some French guy travels to Versailles in order to get the king (Louis CXVII or something) to help him drain some swamps. He learns quickly enough that the only way to get an audience with the king is to be wittier than everybody else. He's assisted by a doctor whose lovely and bosomy daughter is trying to perfect her diving suit invention. Meanwhile, there's a whore who kind of looks like Lyle Lovett, and she keeps trying to play footsy with him while he's busy getting his wit on. I'm sure it would have all made perfect sense back in the 18th Century.

Just two minutes in, a guy whips it out (it, being the penis) and urinates on an old man wearing an eyepatch. Cory recommended this one; he really likes that sort of thing. Here are three things that stand out about this movie:

1) This is exactly why everybody hates French people. In a way, it's hard for me to believe that people were ever like this, but then I think about how people are today and believe that people were definitely like this. I like the characters' faces after they make a witty remark, most, by the way, that I didn't even understand. Their expressions made me laugh and want to punch some random French guy.

2) The writers of this totally took that "jawbone of an ass" gag (where a character thinks of a witty retort way too late as he's traveling home from one of these awesome parties) from a Seinfeld episode. You know, the jerk store one.

3) I'm going to try to find every opportunity I can to say "Your butt is wider than your mouth" to people. I don't even know what that means, but it definitely sounds like something.

I liked this movie though I'm not a big fan of stuffy period pieces regardless of how much beautiful cleavage they throw on the screen. The costumes and settings provided a colorful backdrop to the frequently clever dialogue. And although I thought a lot of this was a little cold or, yes, stuffy, I thought a scene near the end with some deaf mutes was pretty touching. If I knew anything about French history and what happened to some of these people after most of this movie takes place, I bet I would be able to appreciate some of the irony more. Nice recommendation, Cory, and definitely not something I would have popped in on my own.

Dead Snow

2009 Nazi zombie movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Some medical students go on holiday (isn't that what it's called over there) to a cabin out in the middle of Norwayere. That last word is a portmanteau word--Norway and nowhere. I think I did a good job with it. Expect more portmanteau words as my confidence builds. A mysterious stranger stops by, warns them about Nazis, and then leaves. Then, as expected, Nazi zombies.

I think this will satisfy your desires if you get a hankerin' for some Nazi zombie action. I guess that's a sub-genre--Nazi zombie movies. I think I've only seen one other (Shock Waves), but it wouldn't shock wave me to learn that there were dozens more of these. I was just happy to see Norway again to be honest, but there's enough in this movie to keep it fun enough. It's not for the squeamish, however. Most of the movie is red blood and wrinkled gray on white snow, and there are some scenes where you get more red than gray or white. And disembodied body parts. And scenes where guys stitch up wounds in their necks while blood gloriously and noisily continues to spurt out. This alludes to Evil Dead, Brain Dead, Friday the 13th, Indiana Jones, and April Fools Day in ways that might be fun to fans of those films. It's also got a contender for line of the year when the stranger says, "If you stand with your intestines in your hand, will you know what to do?" Speaking of intestines, Nazi zombies seem to like them. The screenwriters must like them, too. Lots of intestine action, but nobody gets choked with his own intestines. I think I have a label for that. I'm not sure how I liked how these zombies moved. What I really didn't like about this were the clashing tones. This went from deadly serious with mutilation and head squishing to, after a pause, a terrible and ill-timed joke that made things too goofy, even for a Nazi zombie movie. I also hated the big scary music that was used throughout this thing. Sure, the big scary music probably made me jump a few times, but it was a detriment to the overall tone of the movie. This is good in chunks (pun probably intended), but it's a little uneven and just seemed to be missing something.

The Goonies

1985 slice o' childhood

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: Two brothers are about to lose their house and hangout of the titular gang of dorks because some land developers want to get their hands on the land. Luckily, they conveniently find pirate One-Eyed Willy's treasure map in their attic and decide to go treasure hunting. It's an adventure that leads them to the hide-out of escaped criminals.

"But Jen, you've got to see The Goonies! I can't believe you didn't see this as a kid!"

I'm not sure why I said that. I hadn't seen this movie since I was twelve, and it wasn't really one of my favorites anyway. As an adventure story, it sufficed between installments of Indiana Jones maybe, but this isn't really something that I remember enjoying all that much back then or that made me nostalgic now. I guess I was just surprised that my wife hadn't seen it. Chances are, some of the kids in her neighborhood watched it on their VCR's, and if that's the case, I'm sure my wife would have at least heard the movie as a child since it's probably the loudest movie of all time. If you want the experience of a daycare with much older children but don't want to leave the house, pop The Goonies in. It's an hour and forty minutes of prepubescent boys screaming as loudly as they can. Sometimes they urinate. Sometimes they curse. Now I'm no prude, but with the amount of shits in this movie, I had trouble figuring out who the audience was supposed to be. I don't imagine older children would like it, and I don't think 1980's parents would be too happy with the potty mouths. I don't know. Maybe I am a prude. More offensive than that is the acting of Jonathan Ke Quan, Short Round himself. I can tell you why that kid didn't have a more fruitful acting career--he's fucking annoying. Midway through this movie, I was hoping that scary guy from Temple of Doom would pop out and rip his heart out. And every single scene that features one of his dumb inventions manages to top (or bottom) the previous one. Corey Feldman's annoying in a different way, but the other kids aren't all that bad. Oh, wait. Jeff Cohen's Chunk is obnoxious, too. There's another guy who Hollywood thankfully decided didn't deserve to be in more movies. The guy who played Sloth even got more work than him. Actually, I'm surprised there wasn't a sequel called Goonies 2: Sloth and Chunk Gay It Up. And before you tell me--yes, I am aware that this has a sequel. I don't think my eardrums could tolerate it though. I did like most of the adult actors though. Joe Pantoliano and Robert Davi make good bumbling crooks, and the always-fetching Anne Ramsey's as nasty as you'd expect her to be. There's another sequel that should have happened, by the way--Goonies 3: Mama Fratelli's Bedroom Adventures in 3-D. Robert Duvall could have been in that one. Or a Quaid brother. Or both Quaid brothers! That son of a bitch would almost write itself, wouldn't it? Opening credits. A bunch of gratuitous sex scenes. Sloth busting in on Mama Fratelli and Dennis Quaid doing "The Double Kangaroo" and yelping out, "Hey, you guuuuuuyyyyys!" Roll credits while some Cyndi Lauper song plays. Boom! It's a billion dollar idea. This movie is disappointing because in the hands it was in, it really should have ended up a classic adventure story for kids. Instead, it's annoyingly loud, inappropriate, and not nearly as much fun as it should be.

Escape from New York

1981 action movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: It's the future, and New York City is a walled maximum security prison. Actually, it's the past if you're watching this in the future and not in the past that was 1981. And I just took some of those words straight from the poster which is just the sort of thing that keeps people from following this blog. What? He plagiarizes from movie posters? That guy's got no credibility. Back to the movie--the president has crash-landed in Manhattan, a problem since he's carrying Samuel L. Jackson's briefcase and all. An ex-Marine (or something) and current criminal named Snake Plissken is coerced into flying in to save him. And the world!

Dang, this movie looks so good. The Big Apple's all oily and moody in the early flyover scenes, and it's impossible not to think about September 11th when the plane's heading for the city. And maybe--just maybe--that's where Osama bin Laden and his gang got the idea for this movie. And if that's true, we should blame John Carpenter for 9/11. Or Snake Plissken. Snake Plissken. What a name. You almost have to give bonus points just because the hero's name is Snake Plissken. And you're just not a true American if you don't give bonus points to the movie for having a hero who sports an eyepatch and a pair of Zubaz. It's like they looked at Kurt Russell and said, "I don't know about this guy. He can flex his cheek muscles and all, but does he really look tough enough?" before somebody suggested, "I got it! Let's get him an eyepatch!" and somebody else suggested, "And a pair of Zubaz!" Pretty cool supporting cast here--Harry Dean Stanton, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Isaac Hayes. None of them rock the Zubaz though which actually might make them slightly less ridiculous than the hero. And yes, I'm fully aware that my mentioning of Zubaz and especially the providing of a link to the Zubaz website is as bad or worse than product placement and that that could be another reason why I don't have more people wanting to read this blog. But hey, if the people who make those idiotic pants decide to throw a little money my way? It'll all be worth it.

Zubaz--best pants ever! Dare to be different! Buy some today! Better yet--buy some tomorrow! If you don't, I will more than likely blame you for the 9/11 attacks.

Fantasy Mission Force

1982 action movie

Rating: 6/20

Plot: It's World War II, and the Japanese, while attempting to take over the world, have already captured the leaders of France, Germany, England, and America. The latter, it should be mentioned, is Abraham Lincoln. Officials get together to find somebody who can save them and decide that Lieutenant Don Wen is their man. Rejected heroes: "Snake" Plissken, James Bond (the Roger Moore one, if you care), and Rocky Balboa who is not suitable for military action. Wen assembles a ragtag crew to save the world.

Lots of weirdness here with varying degrees of entertainment value. First, if you really need a coherent plot with your action movies, you've just got to avoid this one. It's episodic, and none of the individual episodes really go together in a way that makes sense. Not only that, the individual scenes don't really make much sense on their own. Not to say that this doesn't entertain because bits and pieces of it manage to do just that. You get a musical number, some Benny Hill speeded-up weirdness, a bunch of masked flying Amazon women wielding ribbons, Jackie Chan fighting while holding a chicken, some hopping zombie things, disembodied hands and ghost women in a haunted house, and some Nazi Japanese riding on hoopties that look like they're straight out of a post-apocalyptic action flick. I expected Mel Gibson to waltz in and demand gasoline or something. Almost all of the humor in this falls completely flat, and the characters aren't really interesting at all. Except one: Brigitte Lin's (Bride with White Hair) great as Lily, all in leather and thigh-high boots, winning drinking contests like Indiana Jones' girlfriend and waxing acrobatically. She's fun to watch, as is a fight sequence with Jackie Chan (not really the star of this, by the way) at the end. Ultimately, this one is just too confusing and goofy to be completely entertaining. I'm also pretty positive that this isn't really all that historically accurate either.

Switchblade Sisters

1975 girl gang movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Lace, the leader of a gang called the Dagger Debs, has enough problems with rival gangs. Now she's got to worry about the newest recruit Maggie and the love triangle that has developed with John Revolta and the two of them. She's got tough choices ahead of her, but one thing is for sure--somebody's gonna get knifed!

Jack Hill of Spider Baby and The Wasp Woman fame wrote and directed this knifeploitation classic, the type of trash flick that will have you confused enough to dump an entire tub of popcorn down your pants rather than eat it. Ear-biting, crazy shoot-outs at skating rinks, lines like "Hands off the fruit, faggot!", long fart sound effects, lots of weapons. The acting is universally bad, like an ensemble getting together to make fun of acting in the 1970s. Little cutie Robbie Lee (Lace) is likely the worst of the lot, all snarl and toothiness. You'd know her better as the voice of Twink in a bunch of Rainbow Brite cartoons. I liked the character of Crab, leader of a rival gang, played by Chase Newhart, probably because he reminded me of an imaginary friend I had in middle school. This was Chase Newhart's only acting job unfortunately. Kitty Bruce, daughter of Lenny, also has a part as a poor girl who the others ridicule and abuse. The whole thing builds to a fight scene that, if the movie didn't already have the shoot-out in the skating rink, would have been the most ridiculous fight scene I've seen in a long time. Tarantino recommended this to me.

Yokai Monsters: Spook Warfare

1968 Japanese monster movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A vampirish demonoid is awakened from the dead and begins biting people on the neck, taking over their bodies, and denounce Buddha. Frog Man doesn't like it much and hops off to find his fellow monsters including Jabba, TV-Belly Man, Two-Faced Woman, Potato Man, Neck Girl, and Fat Yoda. They investigate and see about expelling the rubber man from the premises.

Well, my favorite monster didn't even make the poster. When I first saw him, I thought, "Hmm. That looks like an umbrella with an absurdly long tongue." Then another character called it an "umbrella monster" and I peed myself and had what can only be described as a religious experience. It's goofy stuff, perhaps even goofy by Japanese standards, but it's shot pretty well, contains an adequate amount of cool atmospheric settings, and does well at creating this weird mystical world. Maybe I wished it didn't have the comic overtones or wasn't so much for children, but this is quickly paced enough and so stuffed with goofy rubber monsters that I can forgive it. The snake-necked woman effects were fun, and I've already mentioned my favorite monster (the umbrella monster). But this isn't about individual monsters. This is about filling the entire screen with goofy monsters and pretending it's perfectly normal. The bad guy could be a little more engaging. I liked how the producers didn't seem to think biting people and stealing their identities didn't seem evil enough and decided to have him say "You suck, Buddha!" to make him the epitome of maleficence. Fun movie, and I'm thrilled that there are two more Yokai Monsters movies out there for me.

Machete

2010 Lindsay Lohan movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: An ex-cop who looks as if he finished in third place in a hatchet-fighting contest is hired to assassinate a senator during his re-election campaign. He realizes that the whole thing was a set-up, and while on the run from seemingly everybody, he has to figure out who's behind it all. Turns out it's a tubby Steven Seagal, the same Steven Seagal who put him out of commission in the first place. We learn that revenge is a dish best served with jalapeno.

You pretty much know what to expect going in, and the first ten minutes delivers with a few decapitations, a naked woman, a hero using a gun with a severed hand attached to it, and a ridiculous pace. From there, one could accuse the movie of flat lining. The characters grow little, if at all, and the story's framework seems to have been stolen from the musuem of action movies. There's a pinch of your average kung-fu movie, 70's grindhouse (naturally), and (again naturally) Rodriguez's earlier work like Spy Kids and Spy Kids 2. The violence is so over the top that it's lucky this isn't in 3-D like the third Spy Kids movie. The audience would wind up wet with blood. This is co-directed, and I imagine Rodriguez focused his abilities on the action sequences with the other guy (Ethan Maniquis) tackling the boring stuff. I like how the action stuff is filmed; whether or not you actually want it, you're forced to be right in there with the splatter. You're forced to sweat and bleed with the characters, and since I imagined that I smelled a lot like I imagine Danny Trejo smells after I finished Machete, I required a quick shower. But the violence is always displayed with a tongue in cheek or, more appropriately, with a tongue that pokes all the way through a cheek so that blood gushes out and stains the walls and carpet. Being a Rodriguez flick, you're sure to get a handful of those cool moments that make Tarantino want to be his buddy. Here, you get the crucifixion of Cheech Marin (It's about time!) and Lindsay Lohan shooting people while wearing a nun's habit. Actually, just Lohan in the habit would have been blasphemous enough. Like buddy Tarantino with Travolta in Pulp Fiction, Rodriguez manages to coax some really cool performances from guys who aren't supposed to have cool performances anymore. In Machete, it's Don Johnson who is chilling as corrupt lawman Von Jackson and, to a lesser extent, Seagal as the big bad guy. Really big. Robert Deniro and Jessica Alba are both OK, and Jeff Fahey is his usually bitchin' self. And Danny Trejo, an actor who may have tasted his last chance at a starring role unless Rodriguez really does make a couple sequels to this, is very very cool. There's a lot of stuff about immigration and border control that seems superfluous, really doing nothing other than getting in the way of the fun violence. Recommended for fans of the genre.

True Grit

1969 western

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: 14/20)

Plot: Same as True Grit with The Dude except this one has The Duke.

In Germany, this is apparently known as Der Marshall. It was probably unfair to watch this so close to the new True Grit because this one looks almost flat by comparison. John Wayne's his normal larger-than-life self, this time with an eyepatch, and he gets a chance to ride a horse really fast and twirl guns around to remind everybody why he's the icon that he is. But he's not as good an actor as Jeff Bridges, and Bridges' Rooster is a better character in every way, nostalgia aside. Wayne still won an Oscar for this role though. This version didn't have the quirks and left turns of the Coens' take, and I missed them, probably because I enjoy left turns and quirks. This is straightforward, almost a movie that's afraid to take any chances. Again, I realize comparing it to the razzle-dazzle of a 20-teen's remake is completely unfair. Besides the Duke, you get a lot of character actors to fill in the story (Duvall, Hopper), and the girl (Kim Darby) wasn't terrible. But Glen Campbell? Casting Glen Campbell as Leboeuf was probably a mistake. This True Grit is a solid if not classic Western, and if you haven't seen it in a while, you should probably watch it before you watch the newest version.

By the way, I'm pretty sure the new True Grit is two points better than this version. I'm afraid rating another Coen Brother movie a 17/20 will cause somebody to accuse me of being a third Coen Brother or something.

True Grit

2010 Western

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 19/20)

Plot: The guy in that one Coen Brothers' movie killed another guy, one we never see but who was more than likely in at least one Coen Brothers' movie. His daughter wants vengeance. She wants it bad! So she finds a tough guy with an eyepatch, the guy who was in that one Coen Brothers' movie, and hires him to take care of business. A guy who has never been in a Coen Brothers' movie but who was in another movie with a guy who was in a Coen Brothers' movie tags along because he's been looking for the guy who was in the one Coen Brothers' movie for a very long time. A guy who looks like a bear shows up later.

Nice traditional, old-school Wild West action here, shaded with the Brothers' dark humor, offbeat characters, and stylized ultraviolence. Cause nobody just gets stabbed in the chest or shot in the head in a Coen Brothers' movie. They create big moments whenever their characters get theirs, moments that are oft-graphic, sometimes blackly humorous, and almost always thrilling. There's almost a coldness to their death scenes, and the poor characters pass to the next world without dignity. That's not a criticism, by the way. And the next worlds that most of these characters will inhabit probably aren't going to be a very nice one, like where the Care Bears live. No, most of these characters are going to end up in some dusty purgatory where their scars will itch. Being a Coen Brothers' movie, there are certain things you can just expect walking in: a great meaty script with lots of humorous things for the characters to say, stunning visual storytelling, and a few moments you'll want to talk about later. You know, like guys being shoved into wood chippers. And you get all that, as well as some terrific character acting. Mattie's played by somebody named Hailee Steinfeld, and although she's good, this really isn't her movie. This belongs to Lebowski, and every word he speaks is drenched in tobacco juice and whiskey and broken glass and filth. Bridges' Rooster is that type of character who is very funny without making any effort at all to be funny. You have to love Bridges' versatility. Matt Damon and Josh Brolin are also good, and the rest of the supporting cast, sometimes only on the screen for a few odd moments, help color in the Coens' askew vision of the Wild West. What I didn't expect walking into a Coen Brothers' movie: a heavy-handed Hollywoody score (I'll have to hear it again actually; Jen says it's a nod to the classics of the genre, and I think it could help with the myth making.) and such a traditional, simple story. The latter was no problem. What bugged me was the end where simple was thrown out of the saloon to make way for a goofy and unlikely denouement where a few too many things happen. As with all Coen Brothers' movies, I look forward to seeing this again.

Jen and I made a rare trip to the theater to see this one. We saw previews for a movie that must be based on the old Rockin' Robots toy and a movie about Neil Armstrong finding Transformers on the moon. Jen leaned over during both and (too loudly) said, "I am all over that! Booyah!"

Buster Keaton Saturday: Film

1965 Samuel Beckett film

Rating: n/r

Plot: An old man hides his face from the camera as he runs along a wall, eventually arriving at his nondescript apartment, an apartment as tired and wrinkled as the man. He hides from his mirror, tears up some pictures, and meets a new friend.

Buster Keaton and Samuel Beckett? Damn right I'm in! This is less like Waiting for Godot and more like Waiting for Something to Happen, but it's a fascinating and haunting philosophical short. I wondered how Keaton, just a few years before his death, would do in an experimental film. His face is barely in it, but his movements (especially when we see his hands) are about perfect, and a nearly comedic episode involving the removal of a pair of pets makes it seem like Buster really was the only choice for this thing. It's entirely soundless, creepily soundless if you ask my wife, and the film's got this grainy quality, kind of like everybody's favorite Eraserhead, that makes it all ominous and a bit disturbing. I'm very glad that I stumbled across this. Quite literally actually. I was in the process of falling when I spotted this and grabbed it to keep my balance.