Enthiran (Robot)

2010 ridiculously stupid sci-fi action romantic comedy (with music)

Rating: 14/20 (Unapologetically!)

Plot: A scientist makes himself a bitchin' robot that looks like him and can do anything that the writer/director of this thing can dream up. His girlfriend's upset that he spends so much time working. Eventually, the robot develops into something a little more human and falls for his maker's girlfriend. Then, things get really stupid.

Oh, goodness. This movie broke some kind of record for winning me over in the quickest amount of time because this bad boy had me at the menu screen with this delirious song that went something like "Boom boom robo gah robo gah zoom zoom." I'm easy to win over apparently. And yes, that song is in the movie, probably when the titular robot is doing something absolutely ridiculous. Actually, if I recall correctly, it was used in a montage where the robot--which is named Chitti, by the way, something else that entertained me because I'm apparently seven years old--cooks, dances, teaches karate, dresses hair, applies make-up, gives pedicures, plays practical jokes, etc. No, this guy isn't just a military fightin' rock-'em-and-sock-'em robot. He's one who can deliver babies. Love this conversation prior to the baby delivery:

Chitti: May I try?
Person: Are you a doctor?
Chitti: I'm Chitti. (pause) The robot.
Person: Can you do this?
Chitti: Why not?

Then, there's an ultrasound where the baby is revealed to be a cartoon. Awesome. Chitti also has a ridiculous action scene and then, to blow your fucking mind even more, he starts singing. Of course, the most memorable parts of this are when the robot gets to show off his fighting skills. And those scenes defy all logic. Over-the-top, silly, but undeniably creative, these are action scenes that will leave you wanting to high-five yourself. The special effects are probably on par with the stuff in the second Matrix movie, and there's even a chase sequence that reminds me of what they did with cars in that movie. But whereas that Matrix crap was happening in some kind of fantasy land (I don't really know because I didn't understand those movies), this is supposed to be happening in the real world. Those ridiculous special effects stand out most during a train scene with some interesting fisticuff action, a scene with a flying baby, some fire, and a what-the-hell moment when some mosquitoes start talking to each other. Oh, and there's a scene with a woman getting hit by a car which I believe is the worst thing I have ever seen. But when that robot [SPOILER ALERT!] duplicates himself and all the Chitti robots start piling on top of each other to make giant towers or giant Chittis, it's sublime and will, if you're anything like me, make you pee in your pants. This stars "Superstar" Raiji in dual roles, and at first, I was thinking, "This guy doesn't look much like a superstar." But there was a point early in the movie where he does this little giggle, kind of like a robotic dough boy, and that put him well into "superstar" range. He is good as both human and robot although he's aided by special effects. Since this is Bollywood, you can expect lots of music, and the action and plot are interrupted a few too many times with bad music videos about how we need to watch them "robo shake it" and other stuff. I say "other stuff" because the music video song lyrics were not translated for me. They're slick, and I didn't mind watching Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, who I assume is also a superstar, dance around in a variety of colorful outfits, but the music videos are really why the fast-forward button was invented. There's also a lot of stuff that I'm pretty sure was supposed to be comedic but that I didn't understand because it's probably a cultural thing. This movie's also very very long with a plot that develops far too slowly. At about the hour and fifteen minute mark, a character actually says something like "Now the story has begun!" which made me think, "It's about time!" Don't get me wrong though. This is close to the greatest movie ever made.

I finished watching this movie at around 3 in the morning, I think, and I immediately emailed my brother to tell him to check it out. He probably hates me for it.

Mansion of Madness

1973 horror movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A guy's sent to a mental institution to figure out what's going down there. What's going down is that the inmates have taken over the asylum. Shenanigans!

You would have trouble accusing this movie of at least not being interesting. Director Juan Lopez Moctezuma is one of Jodorowky's pals, and the source material is from the same Poe story that Svankmajer used in Lunacy. This movie's got chickens and chicken men, continuing in what I've decided is the Summer of the Chicken, and there are other surreal touches--mice in a cage, a man who apparently lives in a furnace, a hat and beard painted on a beard. Those details add dream color to the proceedings, keeping your eyes interesting even when the story seems to be going nowhere at all. The lovely ladies, occasionally sans clothing, do a fine job of that, too. Throw in some vegetables, perverse ventriloquism, Lady Godiva-esque horseback riding, simulated sex with a giant chunk of meat, this wacky music played during cheap-looking chase sequences, and a really sharp musical number at the crazed doctor's table. I don't know what else Moctezuma did, although it was apparently only five movies, but you can't say he had a lack of ideas. It'd be interesting to see what he would be capable of producing with a much bigger budget than he had for this, his first movie. Without it, he's still able to create a nice atmosphere although this isn't quite the horror movie that it's labeled as. It's one of those difficult-to-label movies actually.

Dr. Tarr's Torture Dungeon is an alternate title.

Cory's Birthday Movie Celebration: Destroy All Monsters!

1968 monster mayhem

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A posse of alien chicks invades earth by unleashing the collective of monsters imprisoned on Monster Land. Some astronauts have to find a way to defeat them. Rawr!

That's right--the tradition of honoring reader Cory's birthday in the cheapest way imaginable is continuing. This year, I've picked what I believe to be fifth on his favorite Godzilla movie list.

This is a movie very obviously made for children. There's nothing wrong with that, and that's better than the cartoon I thought it was going to be with a first scene involving a rocket blast-off. All of these movies are a little goofy, but this one just feels goofier. I think it might be the heavy narration, especially during the first part of the movie. When the narrator said "a place called Monster Land," I again thought that I was watching a cartoon. I am glad that he introduced all the monsters though. I didn't remember their names later on though, except for the ones I'd already seen in the other movies. I'll tell you one thing about that narrator and his description of Monster Land. There's a whole lot of science going on there. Also making this whole thing so goofy that adults should be embarrassed for liking it (No, I'm not talking about you, Cory, because that would be a terrible thing to do on your birthday.): a scene where Rodan eats a dolphin; a scene where Rodan humps another monster, dryly, I assume; a doctor's suicide with an obvious dummy and the longest scream I think I've ever heard in a movie; the 1999 laser guns that make pew-pew-pew sounds; the dubbed voice of this old guy; and another dubbed voice that is supposed to sound French, I guess. One of the scientists says "the monsters look cute" at one point, and that might be part of the problem. Some of them are a little too cute. Despite the goofiness, this is almost wall-to-wall action. And I liked seeing the monsters in new locations with some familiar landmarks. The miniature stuff is well done although the movie's pretty much done with urban settings by the midway point. Some of the miniatures are complex and even having moving parts. And they're grander in scale, probably because they needed to make room for ALL monsters. The city does look a little devoid of people though, a little lifeless. Maybe at this stage in this series of movies, people knew the signs and found safe locations when they knew giant monsters were on their way. This is packed with monsters, probably too many! I still don't care much for Rodan, but I did like the spiky guy and the long guy. Son of Godzilla? Well, I just don't know about him. His voice is really silly, and he shoots smoke rings. I enjoyed the alien monster tadpole things, but the "burning monster" which turns out to not even be a monster at all is about the lamest thing ever. Oh, and Ghidorah and his trio of heads makes an appearance. They really weren't kidding with the "all" in that title! Of course, the star of the show is Godzilla, and he gets his moments. One series of scenes has some guys running from Godzilla in the woods, and I'm pretty sure some of the shots inspired shots in Jurassic Park. My favorite Godzilla moment comes early, a scene where he does a crotch chop move like that bowler Pete Weber. With the same lively music I've come to expect from these Godzilla movies and barely a slow moment, this is a fun and entertaining giant monster movie. Especially for children!

Happy birthday, Cory!

The Cat

1992 sci-fi kitty movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A guy apparently named Wei Si Li but who my English subtitles called Wisely and who is played by an actor named Waise Lee gets involved with a couple of people and a cat who are trying to save the world from an alien. I guess.

Really weird science fiction movie from the director of Riki-Oh. This actually has a fight scene that bests anything in that splatterific kung-fu extravaganza--a fight between the titular feline and a mean dog. Seriously, that is something else, one of those scenes that you watch and think, "I can't believe I'm seeing this on my television screen!" I call this a weird movie, probably because I don't understand it, but there's not much that really stands out as being weirder than any other science fiction movie if you think about it. Somehow, however, all the parts add up to something that just ain't right. There's a really cool monster, the kind that only Asians can manufacture. There's also this Robocop-type figure, flying cats, and other hardcore shenanigans, and it all made very little sense to me. That didn't stop me from enjoying myself, more than I did when watching Riki-Oh at least. My favorite bits include the gelatinous tree monster thing, an electrocuted dog, a subtitle that read "I never knew a cat could fight to and so hard!", tail repair, and a scene where the cat jumps through a window and makes a perfect cat-shaped hole in the glass. I didn't think glass could break that way, but who am I to argue with The Cat or, as it's also apparently known, The 1,000 Year Cat. This was sadly director Ngai Choi Lam's final movie.

Three's a Crowd

1927 comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A lonely man saves the life of a frozen pregnant woman and starts to dream that he has a family. Unfortunately, her husband could return at any time and shatter those dreams.

This is the first of that trio of movies that Langdon ruined his career with. I like how he pulls it off with very few title cards, and the film's got a good look to it. There are really just a pair of settings--his humble abode with comically-tall rickety steps leading up to it and the street--but there's a lot done with the settings. Langdon also includes a dream sequence with a boxing match, and although Keaton, Chaplin, and probably Lloyd (I can't remember) did boxing better (and funnier), there was something comical about seeing Langdon with a humorously gigantic boxing glove. The dream sequence starts with cool visuals--stormy winds, great lighting, the face of the husband peeking through the window. Unfortunately, comic loneliness is difficult to pull off, and this movie doesn't balance humor and pathos with anything close to the ability that Chaplin had. It's a movie that really can't decide if it's a comedy or a drama, and it's just kind of in limbo, no-man's land, something that isn't really all that funny or dramatic. When Langdon's character (named The Odd Fellow according to the credits) is alone and playing with a doll, things work ok. The movie grinds to a halt once the woman enters the picture and the character becomes domesticated, taking care of a baby and making pies. The pacing's bad, and the comedy feels awkward. There is one brilliant shot featuring a lamp and streetlights that I thought was very touching. Worth watching for silent comedy fans and better than the Capra movie, but this is nothing special.

Meet the Feebles

1989 puppet movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: The titular Muppet-esque creatures desperately try to get their variety show ready on schedule, but a variety of issues threaten to derail the whole thing.

This is one of those movies that I want to like more than I actually like. It starts out well enough with a bit glossy impressive theme song. The puppets look great, like creations Jim Henson's people just barely decided to discard. There's a ton of color and personality on the screen as we see the characters on stage for the first time. Then, the whole thing stumbles for about an hour and a half. There's way too many subplots, Peter Jackson (yes, this is what he did before he got Hobbititis) trying to juggle way too many ideas in a movie that is far too weak on main plot. For certain types of people, it'll be a hoot seeing these puppets, like bizarro Muppets, engaging in really bad behavior. The first clue that this thing isn't for children is the first sex scene featuring a little walrus-on-cat action. They're interrupted, and the walrus exclaims, "I was just about to pop my cookies!" It's ridiculously filthy, but it does force you to imagine interesting animal pairings. How would an elephant and a chicken do the deed, for example? For the rest of the movie, the creatures show off their waxy nips, puke, fornicate, smoke, die, shoot up, eat each other, curse, gorge themselves, drool while peeping a rabbit ménage a trois, engage in S&M acts, sniff panties, bleed, perform opera, eat fecal matter, have Vietnam flashbacks, make pornography (nasal pornography), contract sexually-transmitted diseases, projectile vomit, attempt suicide, and perform songs about sodomy. Again, I want to remind you that these are not puppets that you should watch with your children. I can't recall a Muppet ever dying. Lots of the Feebles die, and they die in grotesque meaty ways that only Peter Jackson at this stage in his career can dream up. If a director who seemed to be trying to see just what kinds of lewdness he could get away with doesn't completely scare you away, this might be worth you time. You'll probably never look at puppets the same, however.

The Legend of Hell House

1973 ghost story

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A husband-wife physicist team and a psychic agree to spend a few nights in the titular haunted house with the lone survivor of an earlier visit. There's some haunting.

I wanted to watch something penned by the great Richard Matheson after his passing last week, and this was available. The horrors are effective enough, at least psychologically, and I like that the movie doesn't depend on gimmicks. They're the kind of scares that get under your skin a little bit. The story and its little twist are as cool as you'd expect from something that came from the mind of Matheson. The dialogue's not always great, but I like the conflict between scientific thought and supernatural beliefs. And you have to appreciate when writers can throw in phrases like "ectoplasmic stalk." There's also one of the most arousing come-on lines in the history of horror cinema in this when the hornily-possessed spouse of the scientist says, "You...me...naked...that girl...together...clutching..scratching...biting," before dropping her nightgown. Hot! Oh, and there's ghost sex, something that makes my head hurt now as I try to think of some clever way to reference ectoplasm. This feels a little stuffy at times, but it's got some style. The soundtrack, with its rumbling unidentifiable wind instruments, works well, and there are all these weird close-ups of people's faces or times when their faces move into a shot that I liked. And there's a stuffed cat attack which is nothing short of amazing. I liked Roddy McDowall in this, and one moment where he freaks out--all shrieking and contorting--is probably one of the highlights of his career. Near the end, he engages in a little paranormal trash talk. "What size were you, Belasco?" "Funny little dried-up bastard!" Great stuff. Roland Culver is also really good in a very small role.

Dummy

2002 romantic comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Steven's a 20-something still living with his parents and sister. When he loses his office job, he decides to buy a doll and fulfill his dream of becoming a gastriloquist. While he works on his craft, he befriends a woman at the unemployment office and deals with his nutty friend and his nuttier parents.

Not sure why I didn't see this when it came out since I'm a fan of both ventriloquism and awkwardness. It's a comedy. Don't be thrown off by the poster which shows the titular doll like it's some kind of Chucky-esque horror movie. It's also a pretty funny comedy, one of those with characters so quirky that it would be hard for this to have anything more than a cult following. You've got a dad who builds model battleships while watching pornography, the main character's punk rocker pal played by Milla Jovovich who gives the worst advice ever, and a sister way over her head with a wedding planner business. The latter's played by Illeana Douglas who really does look like she could be Brody's sister. Brody's terrific with the ventriloquism thing, gradually getting better as the movie goes on. He does well with bringing out the puppet's personality which, in a strange way, brings out the personality of his own character. This is almost a coming-of-age movie with a guy in his late 20s. He acts like he's about 12, but he is expressive and nails awkward. Oh, and Jessica Walter is in this, playing a character not far removed from her character on Arrested Development which is fine with me. The story kind of falls apart, going a few places that are a little too unexpected, but there are plenty of low-key funny moments--Milla's punk move when listening to Klezmer music for the first time, the sister's bitchy criticism ("You look like a child molester!"), a magician's act with a rabbit, and Brody's attempt to get his gal in a romantic mood with a little Sousa. Sousa seduction! And "I always look both ways when I cross the street," a line that definitely needs context, is some pretty brilliant writing. If you like your comedy with a full serving of awkward, this one's worth checking out.

Ju-On: The Grudge

2002 J-Horror movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Ghastly shenanigans in an apparently haunted house.

No, I have not seen the American remake of this or one of the other Ju-on movies. I didn't know this was a sequel until after I watched it. I'm not sure what I'm missing (if anything) by not watching the first two. This is six connected short stories that aren't even displayed in chronological order. I'm not sure why movie makers do that. I consider myself of average intelligence with maybe a slightly above-average movie IQ, and I had trouble making connections between the stories. I had trouble remembering who each character was supposed to be though, and that probably has more to do with being American than anything else. I mean, if Kirk Cameron was in this, I would be able to recognize and remember him and know how he was attached to other characters in this thing. I ended up liking the structure even if I didn't know why it was necessary. I think it added a little mystery to the proceedings, and a bit of mystery injected into this kind of creepiness was a natural fit. This movie--and again, it might be because I didn't watch the other Ju-on movies--kind of leaves you hanging about what is going on and what has previously gone on, adding to this chilly, semi-surreal flavor. The imagery's enough to grab you, but there are more than enough effective jump-out-and-scare-you moments. Sound effects are also used effectively. I may have thought this was scarier than it was because of the use of kitties. I think I prefer my horror movies to end completely hopelessly. Who wants a happy ending for a horror movie? This one definitely ends bleakly enough, probably so they can make a dozen more of them. And like all good horror movies, this is one that scares you on levels you don't even understand.

Taken

2008 action thriller

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Some criminals in Paris kidnap the wrong gal, the daughter of an ex-CIA agent. He's got 72 hours to get her back. Start the clock!

This 24-ish thriller ain't bad. It's fun seeing Liam Neeson in these kinds of roles. He's actually kind of shaped funny, but the Irish accent actually convinces you that these movies are smarter than they actually are. Is there another action movie superstar who could get away with saying, "I push one button and thirty agents will be here before you have a chance to scratch your worthless balls. Now quit jerking around and wasting my time."? Quit jerking around? That's just great. Speaking of jerking around, this movie doesn't do a lot of that. There's exposition only because there has to be, and then BAM! Kidnapped daughter, Neeson getting his ass-kicking tools ready, and ass-kicking. The action scenes themselves are typical, your standard car chases and punching scenes, but at just over an hour and a half, this is well paced. Neeson's character's also got the brains to keep this interesting when there's not action on the screen. Of course, this is a Hollywood action movie, so you know how it's going to end and are going to have to put up with some silly storytelling. Here, there's this whole subplot with a singer that somebody involved with this should have had enough sense to put a stop to. Even the woman who played the singer probably should have stopped and said, "Hey, guys, I know this is going to make me expendable, but shouldn't we just drop this whole thing with my character?"

Major League

1989 baseball comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Like Slap Stick only with baseball and no Paul Newman. The owner of the Cleveland Indians throws together the worst collection of players she can find in order to come in last place and enable her to move the team to Miami. This was pre-Marlins, by the way.

This could have been much better and would have been much worse if Bob Uecker wouldn't have come along when the movie was starting to lose some steam and saved things. Pretty much everything he says in this is funny, and Major League Baseball should actually put him in the Hall of Fame a second time just for his appearance in this movie. James Gammon is also funny and brings the perfect voice for the team's manager. The other characters are hit and miss. The characters played by Dennis Haysbert (not easy to recognize), Charles Cyphers, and Corbin Bernsen are really just there for one joke, but the writers definitely do their best to get the most mileage out of those single jokes. Wesley Snipes is a little rounder as the terrifically-named Willie Mays Hayes, and Charlie Sheen's character has a little depth even though Sheen himself only seems to have a single facial expression. The best thing about them is that they all pass as baseball players. When baseball wasn't happening, the relationship between Berenger and Russo was, and I just didn't care about that subplot at all. I guess you have to try to bring the gals along somehow though, right? This has plenty of funny lines ("This guy here is dead!", "Look at this fucking guy.", "I look like a banker in this.", "He was a juvenile delinquent in the off-season.", "Yellowstone?", "Vaseline ball hit to short."), but nothing is quite as funny as that ridiculous mascot that the Cleveland Indians are still allowed to have--the offensively-grinning Chief Wahoo. Oh, and this starts with a Randy Newman song, and Randy Newman songs make everything better. His particular brand of irony really complements the Cleveland imagery during the opening credits.

Logan's Run

1976 sci-fi nonsense

Rating: 13/20

Plot: It's 2274, and everything's great in a hedonistic society where people don't do much of anything but enjoy each other's company. And wear bad clothing. Man, people in the future dress poorly. The only problem is that everybody dies at the age of 30 in a Carousel ritual. Some citizens don't like that and try to flee, and it's up to the Sandmen to chase them down. The titular Sandman, while on a mission, discovers that there's more going on than people think.

This is often unfairly compared to Star Wars which came out only a year later and looked so much better. It also seems to have a few things in common--the use of national landmarks, I guess--with Planet of the Apes which came out around eight years earlier. Neither of those movies had Farrah Fawcett, however, and Logan's Run definitely has some Farrah Fawcett. It's also got Michael York who looks even more plastic than he normally does, and Jenny Agutter who out-cutes even Farrah Fawcett. This is a little cold, maybe even for a science fiction movie, so I don't really care much about the characters or their relationships. The most dynamic relationship is between Logan and his Sandman buddy played by Richard Jordan. The best two characters aren't main characters at all. There's one of the dumbest-looking robots ever, a robot named Box voiced by Roscoe Lee Browne. "Welcome, humans!" And then there's Peter Ustinov who stumbles into the movie and starts eating the marble. The breathy laugh when he comments about his name, the way he says "Cats!", gratuitous lip-smacking, a terrific elderly hip thrust during a poem recitation. And his "Nothing sadder than a dead fish" makes me wonder if Ustinov was allowed to improvise during his scenes. He's great and hammy though, and a movie that was already visually interesting and only kinda dull really picks up when York and Agutter run into his character. A lot of the special effects are so crappy that it's a wonder they were allowed to happy (The use of sparklers is a bit of a distraction, for example), but I really did like how a lot of this looked. The Carousel scene is really dopey, but it's visually neat. There's also some great music--all abstract synthesizer tinklings--and a fair share of nudity for a movie rated PG. For a sci-fi movie about a dystopian society, you almost want a little more depth, some kind of big message, but this one's here mostly for entertainment and doesn't really deliver anything like that.

The Search for One Eye Jimmy

1994 mockumentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A film student decides to make a documentary on his old neighborhood but instead joins a manhunt for the titular moron.

This was pretty funny but very uneven. Really, I was glad I watched it just for the interesting cast. The ubiquitous Sam Rockwell pops up near the end and is as funny as you'd expect him to be. Steve Buscemi plays a creepy loser, the kind of role he was built for. This movie, he gets to spend a lot of screen time with a cardboard wrestler. Michael Badalucco's the butt of a lot of jokes, mostly a recurring gag about the size of his head. I was pretty sure I spotted him in Zubaz early in the movie, but they turned out just to be ill-fitting sweatpants. Samuel L. Jackson is a mentally-unstable Vietnam vet who gets to say, "If my dick hadn't been blown off in 'Nam, I'd whip it out and piss in your face." Nicholas Turturro may get the funniest lines, and I'll credit him since a lot of this seems to be built on improvisation. Referring to his glasses as "subscription" and explaining the names of his father and himself ("Who's your father?" "Junior." "Junior Senior?" "Yeah." "And you're Junior Junior?" "That's right.") were funny. There are actually a ton of Turturros in this, probably breaking some kind of record for most Turturros in a movie. John's in it only briefly but memorably as Disco Bean, "temperamental artist and neighborhood legend," and this thing is probably worth seeing for his dance moves alone. It's a kind of physicality that reminded me of what makes him so great as Jesus in Lebowski. Tony Sirico's also really funny, and Jessica Beal makes an appearance. This isn't great filmmaking exactly, but I thought it was a funny enough entry in the mockumentary genre.

Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. The New York Knicks

2010 sports documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Details the mid-90's rivalry between the New York Knicks and their mascot Spike Lee and the Indiana Pacers and their flopping superstar Reggie Miller.

I don't watch a lot of professional basketball. Actually, I went over ten years without watching an NBA game until the playoffs last year when I accidentally watched some Pacers vs. Heat games. I just don't have any interest in the sport, one filled with far too much showboating and whining. With the current success of my hometown team, however, I started getting a little more interested and watched this documentary on an off-night. I did watch some NBA in the mid-90's, and I remember the famous Spike Lee game so well. I already liked Reggie Miller, the kind of player who you'd probably hate if he wasn't on your team, but this turned him into a legend. This documentary does a great job revisiting the two playoff series these beleaguered franchises played in consecutive years. It's completely objective, so you don't really side with Spike Lee or the Knicks players or Reggie Miller as they're Rashomonly describing the goings-on in these games. Of course, when Spike Lee claims the Ku Klux Klan started in Indiana, a "fact" that he just didn't get right, he does lose a little credibility. Miller comes across like a charming little devil though, the kind of guy who you know you can't really trust but like well enough anyway. It was also nice to hear a lot from Reggie's sister Cheryl Miller who I didn't realize was as good as she was at this game. This documentary is either well made or these games were just that thrilling because even though I remembered how they turned out, I was still on the edge of my seat while they were being described.

Is There Sex After Death?

1971 sex comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Dr. Rogers from the Bureau of Sexological Investigation roams about in the Sexmobile and interviews experts in sexual matters, talks to everyday people on the streets, and visits key sites to answer the titular question and others.

Prankster Alan Abel and his wife created this now-dated look at sexuality. It's funny forty-some years later, but after a while, it gets a little tedious. There are plenty of naked people, but if this makes any points at all, it makes them early. The wad is shot, so to speak, and then it keeps going. Abel himself plays the roving reporter and does it as a sort-of straight man. It's amazing that he keeps his composure while sitting so close to so many naked people or hearing an actor say, "For the vegetable, it was exquisite," or a "Professor of Dildography" talk about "millions of miles of unused orifice," or an x-rated magician ask, "Is that not your urine sample?" or an expert claiming that "you'd be up to your ass in dwarfs" if one of eight didn't die during sexual intercourse. In between all that, Abel takes us to a sex Olympics, a nudist colony where they sing "Dinah Won't You Blow Your Horn" and later dance in a way that makes nudity seem like a pretty terrible invention, a perverse art gallery, and a pornographic opera. Oh, and there's a brief penis puppet show. Robert Downey Sr. makes a pair of appearances, but he's nowhere as entertaining as Earle Doud who plays the x-rated magician or Marshall Efron who plays Vince Domino, the "master of filth and excretion" who talks about making a pornographic film with a goose and a donkey. This is nothing revolutionary, some bits fall completely flat, and it's not always even all that much fun, but it's an interesting enough little time capsule item nevertheless.

The Dark Backward

1991 black comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Marty Malt, a garbageman and hopeful comedian, has exactly one fan--fellow garbageman and accordion-enthusiast named Gus. He stinks, but his career starts to go uphill when he grows a third arm out of the center of his back. The pair find themselves an agent and shoots for the stars.

This is a weird little movie, one that's the equivalent of a really great joke that is delivered so poorly that nobody really gets it. I like that it's rated R for "brief scenes of bizarre comic sensuality." I think that's the nice way of saying it's got naked fat people and Bill Paxton's rear end. Director Adam Rifkin wrote both the very good and very funny Mousehunt and the almost-criminal Underdog, the latter which I wrote should have cost people involved with the production their lives. I kind of feel bad about that now. The direction is uneven, but there's a definite charm to the proceedings. The setting is one of urban decay, and the set designers are absolutely committed to this filth, a lot of it shown with circus music in the background. The performers are terrific, almost all of them stepping out of what I'd imagine are their comfort zones. Judd Nelson is unrecognizable, and thinking about this slow turn he'd do after telling a joke in order to show the audience his third arm makes me laugh. Paxton straddles the line between offbeat and overly-crazed, and Wayne Newton almost reaches Slim Whitman-esque territories as a sleazy talent agent, and Rob Lowe, Lara Flynn Boyle, and James Caan are also in this for some reason. I have no idea what Rifkin might be saying about show business or fame or artistic endeavor or anything else. And the movie's plot not only doesn't really ever go anywhere but seems to take forever doing it. However, this surreally comic nearly post-apocalyptic little flick smells like enough of a cult classic that I'm sure a handful of people would really like it.

Best moment in the movie: Apples Yonahan, the man of a thousand faces. There's also a scene with gratuitous little people--five of them in sailor costumes played as a human xylophone. One of them is Tony Cox of Bad Santa fame. (Billy Bob Thornton is also supposed to be in this somewhere, unconfirmed. Of course, there's a Tony Cox and Bill Paxton's rear end connection there, so it seems possible.) And if you know this blog at all, you know I'm probably going to look up the other little people. Tonya Renee Banks isn't in a lot--Death to Smoochy and Bad Santa in which she's credited with stunts. Cindy Sorenson got to work with Adam Sandler in what I'm sure is a hilarious movie. Arturo Gil has been in quite a few things, including a Mary-Kate and Ashley Christmas special that has me imagining the hottest menage-a-trois I've ever imagined. And there's John Hayden who was only in this movie. That's a pretty disappointing diminutive quintet. 

The Monolith Monsters

1957 killer rock movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Rocks invade earth.

Of course, they're not just rocks. They're aliens. And they're not even aliens. They're black people, and when black people start popping up or moving into a predominantly white neighborhood, white people need to do something. Of course, all it takes to get rid of black people [SPOILER ALERT!] is some salt water. Everybody knows that black people can't swim!

You just have to love a movie where the threat--the titular monsters--is giant rocks that grow, topple, and freeze anybody who touches them. It's the least amount of personality that I've ever seen in a movie monster, but it's such a unique premise that it doesn't matter. Don't get me wrong. I liked the rocks. The growing effects were kind of cool, and I really liked how the rocks stand out with the black and white photography. Other great special effects involve people standing completely skill or showing a room or area, showing other things, and then showing the place again after somebody's thrown black rocks all over it. This is a really wordy science fiction movie. It's really closer to a science fiction/mystery hybrid than a science fiction/thriller or science fiction/horror movie like you might expect after looking at the poster there. Of course, there's this constant music that tries its best to make you think that the whole thing is thrilling. At times, the tense dramatic music is inappropriate, like when it picks up during a scene where a guy drinks some water or again when a little girl picks up one of the rocks while on a field trip to the desert where the children are instructed not to touch anything they don't recognize. Oh, speaking of her, she's Linda Scheley in her only film role, and although I probably shouldn't criticize six-year-old actresses in old movies like this, she's really awful. Luckily, her character goes into shock pretty early in the movie. Shrinking Man Grant Williams stars and has slightly more charisma than the rocks. This movie will be enjoyable to people who like to watch smart people try to figure out something that seems impossible even if the ultimate answer is a little disappointing.

This fun little 50's entry in the "big things threatening humanity" sci-fi sub-genre was recommended by Barry. He wrote about the thing on imdb.com back in 2000. Some cat named Oscar beat him to the punch.

Barry and I would both like to apologize to any black people who read this. And there probably isn't a racist subtext in The Monolith Monsters.

Stingray Sam

2009 serialized science fiction western musical

Rating: 14/20

Plot: The titular hero and his sidekick, The Quasar Kid, have to earn their freedom by saving the daughter of a carpenter from Fredward, the ruler of a wealthy planet.

It's just a tad over an hour, and that's with having to hear the theme song six times and get opening and closing credits for each installment. This is from the creative mind of Cory McAbee who made The American Astronaut, another musical space-western that I loved. Unfortunately, McAbee didn't have the money to make his Werewolf Hunters of the Midwest which I'm sure would be a blockbuster, so he made this instead. Like Astronaut this is inspired and playful with a cuddly lunacy. McAbee squeezes everything he can from every penny he's got to make these things which, if my math was correct, must have been around 25 pennies for this one. This doesn't have the set design of Astronaut, but there's enough quirkiness to last you a month or two and the songs are catchy and clever. The songs are once again played by the Billy Nayer Show which Wikipedia describes as being a "musical group of questionable genre." Each installment gets a song, and almost making up for the lack of nifty sets and the atmospherics that Astronaut had, there are these little animated sequences in each installment to give background for the story. Those, like the rest of this, are narrated by the recognizable voice of David Hyde Pierce. There's not a lot that is traditional about Cory McAbee--he doesn't look like a leading man, his stories are too weird to work for the mainstream, and he makes science ficion western musicals. But the guy is just bursting with ideas, and if I was a big-shot Hollywood producer, I'd give him all the pennies he needs to put his vision on the big screen.

Note: McAbee's daughter, Willa Vy McAbee, plays the daughter in this. She's also in McAbee's 2012 production, Crazy and Thief, with her brother. That movie doesn't seem to be available anywhere.

Oprah Movie Club for February: The Bucket List

2007 old fart travelogue

Rating: 14/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: A couple old guys with terminal cancer make a list of things to do before they die--skydive, race fast cars, climb a mountain, have sexual intercourse with a walrus, etc.--and bond as they globetrot to make those things happen.

This movie would have gotten at least three bonus points for a Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson/walrus sex scene.

I never really felt this movie. It's heavy subject matter, one of those stories that can be simultaneously depressing and uplifting, but it never really struck a chord. I liked the friendship of two very different human beings and thought that it unfolded very naturally in the hospital although I'd listen to arguments that that part of the movie went on for too long. Freeman and Nicholson are both good playing the same sort of characters they play nowadays, but it feels to me like they're going through the motions, and I didn't think they had any natural chemistry. And Nicholson's screaming during a skydiving scene was awkward, the type of thing that could make any walrus uncomfortable. Jack Nicholson's kind of shaped like a walrus at this stage in his life. Not in a good way. I enjoyed traveling around with these two guys and seeing pyramids and Taj Mahals and snowy mountains, but the episodic bucket-list-scratch-offing got a little tiresome after a while. Any real emotional impact sort of comes and goes, and a script that just refused to take any chances probably didn't help things. Mostly, it feels like Hollywood emotions, and when I think about the amount of money that had to be involved to make the dreams of Morgan Freeman's character come true, it kind of cheapens the whole thing.

My inability to completely connect with this makes me wonder if I'm just not quite old enough for it.

Morgan Freeman narration and shots of snow. Jennifer and I thought that we'd accidentally popped in March of the Penguins. I wouldn't have minded, by the way, seeing Freeman and Nicholson having their way with penguins either, but this just wasn't that kind of movie.

The "kiss the most beautiful girl in the world" bit almost got me. It might have if the rest of the movie would have been as good as it should have been. 

American Animal

2011 artsy comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A dying man throws a hissy fit when his roommates gets a job.

Hard to do a plot synopsis with this one since it was pretty much sans plot. This is an interesting little movie actually, but I'm not sure there's a high percentage of people who would make it all the way through it. Matt D'Elia wrote, directed, and starred in it, and I'm having a tough time figuring out if this is bordering on awesome tour de force insanity or if he's just a poor-man's Russell Brand or if he's somewhere in between. Whatever, he's comically unhinged, and the whole movie feels like random acts of insanity shoved into a tiny drawer. There are repetitious snippets that go on too long, the repetition of a word that goes on exactly one second longer than it should but seems like a month longer or what seems like endless giggling. It pushes boundaries, a movie that almost invades your space. And D'Elia's character says things like "You think I'm being a dick? Sabadoo dabbadoo" which I know I spelled correctly because I watched this with subtitles. But then he says, "Why on the name of this earth would I not put on the ritz when I can put on the ritz. If I were to not put on the ritz when I'm perfectly capable of putting on the ritz, wouldn't that make me fucking crazy?" And it makes you wonder if you're watching something that is maybe a little bit of genius. There's also a great poem. Of course, there's also a monologue at around the hour mark when the guy, after a small transformation, tries to rationalize his behavior and almost ruins the thing. The friend's acting doesn't work well for me. Loads of movie references make this kind of fun, but I can't believe how many monologues this has. It might break a monologue record. This if flawed and a little annoying, perhaps intentionally, but it's an interesting little experiment.

My theory: There's a Tyler Durden thing going on here.