Bad Teacher

2011 comedy

Rating: 6/20

Plot: The titular teacher wants new tits, and after her rich fiance dumps her, she's having trouble figuring out a way to afford them on her salary. See, they just don't pay teachers what they deserve. She crushes (that's how the kids use this verb) on a new substitute teacher (although he shouldn't be rich--plot hole) while ignoring the advances of the gym teacher who is crushing on her. When it's announced that the teacher whose students do best on the standardized test will win a financial prize, she begins taking her job more seriously.

I really wondered if this would be a biopic about me, but it's not. I'm not a slut. And look at that--this wholesome family-friendly conservative blog is now likely to feel the wrath of liberals who don't like it when people call women sluts. My blog will be boycotted, and I'll be the second most hated blowhard after Rush Limbaugh. For that reason, I'm taking another point away from this movie. It's a movies-that-ruin-my-reputation-point-deduction rule. This movie wasn't funny at all even though everybody involved (with the possible exception of Jason Segal) is trying really really hard to make it work. Timberlake is intentionally miscast, and Phyllis from The Office makes a fool of herself. Things are more awkward and silly than humorous. Other than a car wash scene that was almost as magical as the one in Cool Hand Luke but that really made me wonder if I was watching a Carl's Jr. commercial, there's not much to see here. No, it's not as offensive to my profession (until somebody hires me to do something else, that is--if you're reading, just ask for my resume!) as Waiting for Superman, but it is offensive enough. And you just keep waiting for the character to change or learn a lesson because that's what happens in all stupid movies like this, but that doesn't happen either. And that might be just as bothersome.

Shane trivia: Even though this isn't a biopic based on my life and career, I did catch a few lines that I have uttered before.

"Adios, bitches!"
"Hey, zip your shit!"
"OK, we all know these tests are gay."

I've used all of those at one point. Again, if you're interested in hiring me, let me know in the comments below. I'm willing to do anything as long as it doesn't involve a lot of hard work.