The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

2013 magic comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: A magician partnership turns sour when, in an effort to compete with a hotshot Internet sensation street shock magician, they try and fail to perform a David Blaine-esque stunt on the streets of Las Vegas. The arrogant titular showman has to rediscover the magic and get back on top.

Look--somebody made all the humor disappear! Wait, I'm sure that one was used before. Let me try again. This feels like a trick on the audience? I'd rather be sawed in half? It's a wonderstone this even made it to theaters? The only thing incredible about this is how bad it is? Abracrapola? This plot that took place in Las Vegas should have stayed in Las Vegas? A few less laughs than Nolan's The Prestige? It'll be hard to find a volunteer in the audience because they'll probably leave halfway through the movie? Worst magic-related accident since Houdini's death? Is this why Ric Ocasek sang "Uh oh!" when he sang about magic? Somebody pull a better script out of a top hat--quick!? The Statue of Liberty will be begging David Copperfield to make her disappear again so that she can avoid seeing this movie? I know where director Don Scardino can stick that magic wand? A movie bad enough to make somebody vomit an endless stream of colorful scarves out their mouth? Not even that Sorcerer in that Mickey Mouse movie could clean up this mess? Here's a film that will make you stop believing in magic in a young girl's heart? About as entertaining as your perverted uncle who smells like he lives in a porta-potty doing that got-your-nose trick at a family reunion? Something-something Harry Potter losing his virginity something-something at Hogwarts?

I can't imagine a comedy being less funny than this one. Just giving Steve Carell a mullet is not going to do it, Hollywood. The funniest things about this were Steve Buscemi's on-stage facial expressions although he otherwise looked kind of lost in this thing. The late James Gandolfini very nearly made the entire movie worth the trouble when saying, "It's gonna smell like ass in there." And there was a scene with a guy juggling ventriloquist dummies. Other than that, this was just disappointing from top to bottom. For a movie about magic, this was just so bland. One of the main issues might actually be that there was no magic. It was all special effects. You can't have a movie about magic without showing some magic.

Enthiran (Robot)

2010 ridiculously stupid sci-fi action romantic comedy (with music)

Rating: 14/20 (Unapologetically!)

Plot: A scientist makes himself a bitchin' robot that looks like him and can do anything that the writer/director of this thing can dream up. His girlfriend's upset that he spends so much time working. Eventually, the robot develops into something a little more human and falls for his maker's girlfriend. Then, things get really stupid.

Oh, goodness. This movie broke some kind of record for winning me over in the quickest amount of time because this bad boy had me at the menu screen with this delirious song that went something like "Boom boom robo gah robo gah zoom zoom." I'm easy to win over apparently. And yes, that song is in the movie, probably when the titular robot is doing something absolutely ridiculous. Actually, if I recall correctly, it was used in a montage where the robot--which is named Chitti, by the way, something else that entertained me because I'm apparently seven years old--cooks, dances, teaches karate, dresses hair, applies make-up, gives pedicures, plays practical jokes, etc. No, this guy isn't just a military fightin' rock-'em-and-sock-'em robot. He's one who can deliver babies. Love this conversation prior to the baby delivery:

Chitti: May I try?
Person: Are you a doctor?
Chitti: I'm Chitti. (pause) The robot.
Person: Can you do this?
Chitti: Why not?

Then, there's an ultrasound where the baby is revealed to be a cartoon. Awesome. Chitti also has a ridiculous action scene and then, to blow your fucking mind even more, he starts singing. Of course, the most memorable parts of this are when the robot gets to show off his fighting skills. And those scenes defy all logic. Over-the-top, silly, but undeniably creative, these are action scenes that will leave you wanting to high-five yourself. The special effects are probably on par with the stuff in the second Matrix movie, and there's even a chase sequence that reminds me of what they did with cars in that movie. But whereas that Matrix crap was happening in some kind of fantasy land (I don't really know because I didn't understand those movies), this is supposed to be happening in the real world. Those ridiculous special effects stand out most during a train scene with some interesting fisticuff action, a scene with a flying baby, some fire, and a what-the-hell moment when some mosquitoes start talking to each other. Oh, and there's a scene with a woman getting hit by a car which I believe is the worst thing I have ever seen. But when that robot [SPOILER ALERT!] duplicates himself and all the Chitti robots start piling on top of each other to make giant towers or giant Chittis, it's sublime and will, if you're anything like me, make you pee in your pants. This stars "Superstar" Raiji in dual roles, and at first, I was thinking, "This guy doesn't look much like a superstar." But there was a point early in the movie where he does this little giggle, kind of like a robotic dough boy, and that put him well into "superstar" range. He is good as both human and robot although he's aided by special effects. Since this is Bollywood, you can expect lots of music, and the action and plot are interrupted a few too many times with bad music videos about how we need to watch them "robo shake it" and other stuff. I say "other stuff" because the music video song lyrics were not translated for me. They're slick, and I didn't mind watching Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, who I assume is also a superstar, dance around in a variety of colorful outfits, but the music videos are really why the fast-forward button was invented. There's also a lot of stuff that I'm pretty sure was supposed to be comedic but that I didn't understand because it's probably a cultural thing. This movie's also very very long with a plot that develops far too slowly. At about the hour and fifteen minute mark, a character actually says something like "Now the story has begun!" which made me think, "It's about time!" Don't get me wrong though. This is close to the greatest movie ever made.

I finished watching this movie at around 3 in the morning, I think, and I immediately emailed my brother to tell him to check it out. He probably hates me for it.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

1994 manic comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: The titular detective is hired to find the Miami Dolphins mascot before their Superbowl appearance.

Ok, I don't get it. I watched this--yes, it was my first time--because I read something somewhere and was convinced that this was something. Jim Carrey was unleashed with this 1994 release, and his performance almost looks like the performance of somebody who is trying to ruin the movie. It's almost dada, Jim Carrey as an avant-garde genius or a Marx Brother whose wires became crossed during the time travel process. Nothing about the character makes sense, and once you get used to Carrey's rhythm, this is almost entertaining. Then, it's just annoying. I'm glad that Jim Carrey didn't spend his entire career doing this crap. I will say this though: You're not going to get any other opportunity to see Tone-Loc talking to Jim Carrey's ass. I'm really not sure how the other actors and actresses, some who were at stages in their career where they shouldn't have been desperate, put up with these shenanigans. I laughed exactly one time while watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, and that wasn't even because of anything Jim Carrey did. No, that was Alice Drummond as Mrs. Finkle with the line "Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell." I will not be watching the sequel to this movie unless I am tricked or in a P.O.W. camp.

The Strong Man

1926 comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: A soldier more accurate with a slingshot than a machine gun starts working with a strong man--not really the titular strong man--after the war. Letters from a Mary Brown kept him going during his soldiering days, and he decides to look for her. After an adventure with a different Mary Brown who turns out not to be a Mary Brown at all, he finds the real Mary Brown.

This was Frank Capra's first film, and it's a total mess. It feels more like 3 1/2 short films strung together and called a complete movie. I could forgive that if it was entertaining or funny, but it's really neither. Langdon plays a more heroic character in this one, but it's difficult to sympathize with the character because, as I said in the last post, he's not very likable. The best bits are probably with the fake Mary Brown character played by Gertrude Astor. Langdon does move and react well, and he has a childlike innocence that makes the story work. Well, until the end when his character seems to almost be an entirely new person. There's nothing that will have anybody in the aisles, but this has a couple moments that somebody wouldn't be made fun of for calling them classic moments. One involves a walk up the steps with Gertrude Astor, and another is a toss from a car down a hill with a surprising result. The climactic scene is a mess, but I do like this little pose Langdon keeps repeating.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

1967 horror comedy country western musical

Rating: 3/20

Plot: The titular hillbillys [sic] have car problems on the way to something called a jamboree and have to stay the night in the titular haunted house. Songs are performed. Spies and a gorilla harsh their mellow.

So in the first shot, they're traveling in Boss Hogg's car with slightly more ornamentation, and they're singing a song about being "on [our] way to Nashville, Tennessee." I should have taken it as a warning, ejected the dvd, and hurled it at a chicken. If you like bland old-timey country and western music, you're in for a treat. There's really about 30 minutes of movie here, and the rest of it consists of musical performances. In fact, the final 20 minutes of the movie is the jamboree, so it's just a series of songs that have nothing to do with the haunted house. You get to hear Ferlin Husky, the guy who plays Woody, sing "Livin' in a Trance," a song which sounds like it was recorded in a cave or something but is at least more awkward than it is terrible. Some random people then show up to tell the hillbillys [sic] that they never come near the house even though they are standing inside the house while saying that, and they perform a couple impromptu songs because the movie's plot wasn't quite ready to get started. They do "The Cat Came Back" which features two gitfiddles, a couple guys just standing around, invisible drums, and a guy hitting a small shovel with a brush before complying with the woman's request for a love song, a song that has her twitching in a way that made me wonder if she was reaching orgasm. That gal--Boots, played by a very fetching Joi Lansing--gets her own random song later during a fantasy dream sequence. "Gowns, Gowns, Beautiful Gowns" might be the most pointless things I've ever seen. Later, a character watches television, and Merle Haggard gets a song. There are probably over 15 songs in this motherfucker! And if you don't like country and western music or don't enjoy laughing at terrible film-making, there's nothing for you to see here. I've seen this on a couple "Worst Movie Ever" lists, and it probably deserves to be in consideration. It's very poorly written. I believe this chunk of dialogue is supposed to be humorous:

Woody: Where are we?
Gas station guy: Sleepy Junction.
Woody: Sleepy Junction.
Boots: Where are we?
Woody: Sleepy Junction.
Boots: Oh.
Jeepers: Hey, Woody, we're in Sleepy Junction.

Jeepers is an actual name of a hillbilly, and he's played by Don Bowman who was the host of some country music countdown show. His only other acting credit is the movie this is apparently a sequel for--The Las Vegas Hillbillys. He plays "Don Bowman" in that though, and not Jeepers. As Jeepers, he gives a performance that manages to still seem like one of the worst performances ever even though the movie is a complete disaster anyway. That first shot with the hillbillys [sic] singing in the car? He isn't singing, merely sitting in the back in what seems to be an illegal way. And he can't even get "just sitting there" right! He looks bored. That's actually the best he gets in this movie, too. Most of the time, he looks like he's got ADD or is some kind of tweaker. He spends most of the movie twitching and squinting, but he does get a moment to shine when he starts yelping about seeing a "weirdwolf" in the closet. Oh, and he does get his own song during the jamboree--"Wrong House Last Night" and it is a thing of beauty, one of those things that has to be heard to be believed. Bowman can't even sit still during a fifteen or so minute scene where he just needs to watch television. That, by the way, is one of those "What the hell?" moments as the country music he's watching is interrupted by the faces of Carradine, Chaney Jr., Rathbone, and Ho--the four bad guys. Why their faces start appearing on the television screen to stare at Jeepers is beyond me. Speaking of those guys. You would probably never expect Lon Chaney Jr. to be any good, and he isn't. Neither is Basil Rathbone, though he's the best of the bunch. John Carradine might be the worst of them all, but somebody named Linda Ho isn't far behind. Her acting consists of reading lines phonetically. I did like this conversation:

Woody: We're entertainers.
Ho: What kind of entertaining do you do?
Woody: I sing and pick a guitar.
Ho: How nice. (With this absolutely disgusted look on her face that I'm not sure was supposed to be there.)

The best performance is by George Barrows as Aniatole the monkey. John Carradine's character really hated that gorilla. It was never actually explained why these spies traveled with a gorilla, but I've never been a spy and don't know much about how these people operate. I guess having a gorilla around would make perfect sense. Anyway, George Barrows is the guy who plays one of my favorite movie monsters of all time--Ro-Man in The Robot Monster. Ro-Man is a gorilla suit from the next down and a deep sea diver's helmet for a head. Barrows has one of those acting careers I love looking at. He acted in 108 titles, and he played 16 gorillas. At least! Some of his roles were just names, and those might be gorillas, too. He also played Monstro in a movie and Slouchy McGoo in the Adventures of Superman television series. And he played "henchman" a lot. Barrows and his suit (I'm going to go ahead and assume he owned his own gorilla suit) are actually the best special effect in the movie. Some wobbling skeletons, bats on strings, and the "weirdwolf" mask are nothing short of embarrassing. There are also some lightning effects in a night sky when the action is clearly taking place in daylight and a couple visible boom mics, but if you have problems with that, you're nitpicking. I almost feel bad criticizing something that I'm sure was made by very nice people for very nice families to sit around and enjoy, but it's one of those works of art where everything just came together so imperfectly to make something so magical and deserves to be seen by connoisseurs of crappy movies, even those who don't like gorillas or country and western music.

Fire, Ice & Dynamite

1990 movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Sir George fakes his death and makes all the people he owes money to and his three children compete in a race called the Megathon to win his fortune. Lots of stunts happen.

At least the stunts were good. This is a sequel to Fire and Ice, a movie that I haven't seen. Apparently, it's mostly lots of skiing stunts strung together with a little bit of a plot and narration by John Denver, a man who died during his own stunt. If you liked the stunts in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, you'll like the stunts in this more. Willy Bogner, Jr. directed this and was a cameraman for the Bond movies that featured skiing. This has also got Roger Moore, my favorite James Bond, and some bald people. Oh, and Roger Moore's son is in there. My guess is that Moore said he would be in this movie but only if his son could also get a part. It took me a really long time to figure out that this is supposed to be a comedy, and that's never good. The comedy is just as dangerous as the stunts. Did I mention that there were stunts in this movie? Because there are! Stunt people bungie jump, white water raft, fall, plummet, ski, ski more, climb things, explode, and ski. At times, it's like a live action Wacky Races although nowhere near as entertaining or as funny. Marjoe Gortner makes an appearance, mostly in a helicopter as an announcer for the Megathon. I'm guessing there are also some Olympic athletes who were tricked into being in this as well as Isaac Hayes and Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz Aldrin trivia: Did you know that Buzz Aldrin was the first person to defecate on the moon? That's real trivium, readers. I'm not making that up.

I was confused by a bunch of references to bananas in this, but not as confused as I was with a song that popped up in the middle of this, something that made me wish the stunts would come back. I did mention that there were stunts in this, didn't I?

Trailer Park Boys: The Movie

2006 comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: The titular small-time criminals, following their release from prison, concoct a plan to steal a bunch of change.

I am not familiar with the television series that gave birth to these dull, stupid characters. This is the type of movie that glorifies idiocy. Although there are some bits that some people might mistake as humorous, this is messy and seemingly endless. All the characters are unlikable, the jokes are cheap, and neither the main plot or the subplots are enough to make this worth the ninety minutes. 

I feel dumber after watching this movie.

Note: I think I watched this movie in six installments over a five day period. That probably didn't help.

Chasing Amy

1997 comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A comic book artist falls for the titular lesbian.

Star Wars gentrification analysis, Archie and Jughead as lovers theorizing, and a Degrassi Junior High mention ("a weird thing for girls who say aboot") show a wide range of references, but this still is so locked in the 90s, one of my three or four least favorite decades. The dialogue doesn't ring true; it's Kevin Smith movie dialogue. His scripts always seem kind of half-assed to me, probably because he's a slacker. I thought Ben Affleck was likable even when his character wasn't, and his friend--played by Jason Lee, a guy with a voice that makes it automatically seem like he's overdoing things--is almost not distracting. What is distracting--and something that I couldn't get past--is the voice of Joey Lauren Adams. It completely ruins what would otherwise be a somewhat-enjoyable romantic comedy.

Who's the Caboose?

1997 mockumentary

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Documentarians get a grant to do a film on homeless people, but instead turn their attention to a young comedienne who is on her way to Los Angeles to try to get a television pilot.

I like Sarah Silverman. She's cute and generally funny. She's the very best thing about this--only possible exception is David Cross who is really funny and angry in a too-tiny role--which is good because she's the main character. She's so natural in front of the camera. Unfortunately, she and her character aren't in a movie where very much happens. Things approach mildly humorous, and the satirical look at Hollywood shallowness almost works. But this needs to let go a little bit, get a little more outrageous, or--at the very least--be funny. Kathy Griffin even keeps her shirt on. Andy Dick and that one guy are also in this.

Little Cigars

 

1973 little person crime caper

Rating: 12/20

Plot: On the run from gangsters, regular-sized Cleo hooks up with five diminutive performers who use their stage show as a front for some thieving. She and their leader Slick Bender strike up a romance as their crimes get more and more ambitious.

I love watching things that make my wife ask "What are you watching?" in a way that makes me think she'd ask "What the hell are you watching?" if she cursed more. She did that twice for this movie. I had to watch it in two installments, and she was confused by it twice.

The appeal for me, of course, was all the little people, especially shane-movies favorite Billy Curtis from The Terror of Tiny Town. Little Curtis is so angry through most of this. Look at this collection of lines:

Billy: Don't ever call a midget a dwarf.
Guy: What's the difference?
Billy: (in a whispery voice) Broken arm.

"Alright, you little perverts!"
"Is that the name of the game today? Teasing midgets?"
"If there are any heroes in here today, they're gonna be dead ones."
(After emerging from a crate with disheveled hair and a giant sweat stain on his shirt) "Boy, am I glad to be out of that son of a bitch."
"You don't have to tiptoe, you slut."
"Put me down!"

He also gets to fight a little bit in a bar, and it looks more realistic than half of Hollywood's fights. But there are other little people fights--including one where they gang up on one guy, another that is little-person-on-little-person, and a water fight that might be the hottest thing I've ever seen--and other little people. There's mustachioed Cadillac played by the great-voiced Jerry Maren who worked with the Marx brothers and got the chance to hand Dorothy a lollipop. He was also in the "Yada Yada" episode of Seinfeld. Frankie (Felix Silla) has the best voice of this crew. He fixes things in this movie but also played an Ewok, several aliens, Misquamacus in The Manitou, and Twiki in Buck Rogers in the 25th Century which is a pretty big deal if you ask me. Hugo is one muscular midget (I can use that word if there's alliteration--it's a rule.) and is played by Emory Souza who wasn't in a lot of movies but did do stunts in Dirty Harry. And there's Frank Delfino who looks a lot like Walter Matthieu and who played the Hamburglar in McDonalds commercials for over 20 years. A little guy named Buddy Douglas plays an attorney and is really awesome.

But who else is in this, albeit in a limited role? Angelo Rossitto, from Freaks. He's the smallest of a bunch of little people in a police line-up, and the only one of those guys to get lines, ramblings about being an honorary sheriff. Man, I love all 2 feet and 11 inches of that guy!

This movie's a hit 'n' miss affair. The biggest problem is that its makers don't seem sure what kind of movie they're even making. A black comedy? An action crime movie? It's dark without being funny too often. The capers don't make much sense, and the five little people and one statuesque blond woman seem a little conspicuous. It seems that the writers are playing a little game of "Let's see how many interesting places we can fit a little person," but all of the capers could be accomplished by just walking into a place with a gun and saying, "This is a stick-up!" like they end up doing anyway. The only thing silllier than their crime spree is the Little Cigars' act which might be the worst thing ever. Speaking of the statuesque blond, I do like her. She's Angel Tompkins and gets to be on screen in a towel and her underwear. Such a tease. She calls Billy Curtis a "piss pot" and has a fantastic wink. She's in this to look sexy and manages to pull that off. I loved one line of hers spoken to Curtis: "Because I'm an old lady, and I dig your little ass."

One other thing I really liked about this one was the ridiculous amount of off-screen asides, what I'm going to refer to "Attaboy, Luthers" from now on:

"Why, that cigar's bigger than he is!"
"That guy's shot!" (I love that one!)
"Watch out! Crazy driver! She's out of her head!"
"Hell, that's better than a waterbed." (during a Billy Curtis pillow demonstration)
"I'm gonna feed it to my bull!" (this one has to do with fertility candy bars)
"Like people with toy guns."

I enjoyed this, but it's not a very good movie. Check it out if you like little people in cinema as much as me. If that's possible.

The Libertine

 1968 sexy Italian movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: A widow discovers that her late husband had an apartment rented solely for extracurricular shenanigans and decides to use it to explore her own sexuality.

I'm now a big fan of Catherine Spaak and her versatile hair. She's really good here though there's not nearly as much nudity as you'd expect from this. Or maybe from these other posters:

I really need to check out more Catherine Spaak movies though. This isn't really a funny movie at all. It's cute, more than a little dated. It's got a little bit of style but looks cheaply produced. There is a really cute little song that runs throughout the movie. Aside from Spaak's nice performance, a guy named Renzo Montagnani is really good as Fabrizio. I'm not sure what the message for women is here, probably because I'm not a woman living in the late-60s, but I'm sure there's some kind of feminist idea here. Or maybe not since a male wrote the original story, a male wrote the screenplay, and a male directed the thing.

This has nothing to do with the Johnny Depp movie, by the way.

Santa with Muscles

1996 Christmas comedy

Rating: 3/20

Plot: A millionaire is chased by police after some wild driving while on his way to some paintball shenanigans. He hides out in a shopping mall and puts on a Santa Claus outfit to elude the po-po, but an accident knocks him out and gives him amnesia so that he actually believes he's Santa Claus. A shady character named Lenny tries to take advantage of them, and the duo try to save an orphanage from evil scientists.

I wanted to give this a try to see if there's a worse Christmas movie than Sinbad and Arnold Schwarzennegar's big F-U to Christmas. The best thing I can probably say about this one (and that one) is that it's not as offensive to Christmas as a Santa Claus who molests children would be. But it's closer than you'd think. I'm trying to decide who you'd have to consider dumber--screenwriters Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata, and Dorrie Krum Raymond who have a grand total of zero other writing credits to their names because they were more than likely blacklisted after this came out or the characters they create. The characters are all pretty stupid, so that's also closer than you might think. Now, if I had blog readers, one of them would argue with me that this is completely harmless. On the contrary, this movie is so dumb that watching it could give a person brain damage. Not only that, I think I now hate Christmas because of this movie. I also hate professional wrestling, magic crystals, orphans, bodybuilding supplements, paintball, SUV's, science, Mila Kunis, and puns. Oh, and Christmas. What? I already typed that? See, that's probably an effect of watching this movie. I would wonder if Hulk Hogan's terrible performance, one that is really one of the worst you'll ever see, was the result of him watching this movie, but I can't think of how that would be possible and my head hurts just thinking about it. He's so bad here when he's not beating up scientists, but in his defense, the script doesn't help him out much. There's one great scene after the bad guys are defeated (oh, c'mon--like you were A) going to watch this, B) get to this part of the movie, and C) not know how it was going to end) and the Hulkster says something about how one of the bad guys needs to go defrost himself and then laughs. It's a thing of beauty, ladies and gentlemen. I've not really experienced the magic that is Hulk Hogan outside his early wrestling career, another movie or two, and a terrible venture into rock 'n' roll that I happen to own on cassette.

That album, by the way, makes Randy "The Macho Man" Savage's rap music album seem as good as Abbey Road. Oh hell, who am I kidding? The Macho Man's rap album is gold anyway. But I digress. As a matter of fact, I don't even remember how I was going to follow the "I've not really experienced the magic that is Hulk Hogan" idea that I started above. I'm distracted by wondering if it's really fair to have one movie that has both Hulk Hogan and Clint Howard in it. This one does, and that just doesn't seem right to other movie makers. Can't you just imagine a film producer saying the following:

"What? Cabin Fever Entertainment, distributor of Silence of the Hams, is releasing a movie with Hulk Hogan and Clint Howard? And Hulk Hogan has hair? And Clint Howard is playing a cop? That's it, everybody. Wrap it up. We're giving up here."

I just read that the original author of this gem sued to have his name removed, supposedly because the story had been changed so much. But really, anybody who sees this is going to know the real reason.

This and Jingle All the Way double feature! I want to meet the man who can stomach that onslaught.

Dark Shadows

2012 gothic vampire soap opera

Rating: 7/20

Plot: 18th Century vampire Barnabas Depp is violently exhumed in the 1970s where he desperately tries to get his family back on track and stick it to the witch who cursed him in the first place.

I can't remember being this bored while watching a movie. Maybe Tim Burton needs Winona Ryder back or something. Or maybe Tim Burton just needs to come up with original ideas. He seems to be a creative fellow and his movies are a lot better when they're straight from his imagination (Edward Scissorhands, etc.) than when they're from somebody else's (Planet of the Apes, etc.). I've not seen the 60s/70s soap opera this is based on, and thanks to Tim Burton, I don't really have any interest in seeing it. After a narrated prologue that is typical Burton, all stilted and faux-dark, I almost wanted to shut this off. I didn't because I thought there would be a few funny moments. Unfortunately, this was about as funny as being attacked by an actual vampire. The out-of-time character humor seemed cliched, and the screenwriters hit the 1970s references so hard that it just gets annoying. I lost interest in the story since I was fairly sure how it was going to end. That's not a problem if the journey there is entertaining, but this isn't. This movie does have a few things going for it. The house is cool, and it's good to see that Christopher Lee is still kicking around though his role here is very small. Best of all is Eva Green who is absolutely gorgeous here. The sex scene with Johnny Depp is all kinds of wrong though.

Casa de mi Padre

2012 comedy

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Mexican Will Ferrell and his brother have to save the titular casa from a drug lord.

The music, which as far as I know could have been lifted from other movies (I didn't want to spend any more time with this movie and check the credits), was pretty good. I made a promise here a while back--no more Will Ferrell movies. So I'm not exactly sure why I decided to watch this. I think it might be because I feel sorry for the movie. Will Ferrell movies don't come up in conversations I have often, but I've not heard anybody at all talk about this one. I'd almost assume that fans of Will Ferrell movies can't read (yeah, I know--I'm going to edit this out before I publish this post), so I'm not sure any of them would watch this anyway. Then, I see lots of copies at the library, but they're shelved in the foreign movie section, a collection of outcast dvd's that aren't even allowed to be near the other movies. It's unlikely that a Will Ferrell fan who hasn't heard of this one is going to stumble upon it. So I guess part of me just wanted to put this on the blog so that Will Ferrell fans who Google "Will Ferrell's actual buttocks" and find this post will find out this exists and check it out. I'll make sure not to use any big words in this entry. I'm not sure they'll like it because it's just not funny at all. In fact, it would be unclear whether it was a comedy at all if not for some too-wacky moments. Will Ferrell's in the movie. He speaks Spanish, and although I'm not exactly a linguistics expert or anything, it sounded pretty good to me. When I first heard about this movie, I was under the impression that he couldn't speak the language at all and was faking it here. If that's the case, he did a great job with it. I'm never going to say that Will Ferrell isn't a talented guy or even that he isn't funny, but everything he does just feels exactly the same. I'm not just talking movie to movie either. It's joke to joke. With this one, I almost turned it off the second time Will Ferrell and his pals engage in some lengthy chuckling. It was a typical Will Ferrell movie moment. I'm glad I didn't turn it off, however, because I would have missed out on what I can only assume are several shots of Will Ferrell's actual buttocks. And the lovely Genesis Rodriguez's actual buttocks. The plot's so predictable and intentionally-derivative that it makes you sleepy, and the novelty of Will Ferrell speaking Spanish wears off after about five minutes. I really can't imagine that this would appeal to anybody at all, even the most rabid fan of Will Ferrell or Will Ferrell's actual buttocks.

I looked at Genesis Rodriguez's imdb page for research purposes. One message board post wonders if she's related to Genesis P. Orridge. Here are more subject lines:

"I wish to impregnate her"
"A-WHOOT A-WHOO!!! RUFF-RUFF-RUFF!!!"
"HHHHHHHHRRRRRRNNNNNNNG GGGGGGGGGGG...."
"HHRRRNNNNNN..."
"HNNNNNNNGGGGG"
"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM"

Those are the first six, all started by different people. Apparently she brings out the best in people.

Oh, and the Will Ferrell embargo is back on!

Heartbeeps

1981 science fiction rom-com

Rating: 4/20

Plot: A pair of robots escape the robot factory or wherever the hell they live. They make a baby robot and try to escape their pursuers, including a ruthless cop robot.

I'm not sure there's another movie this boring. With Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters as the pair of lovestruck robots and Randy Quaid playing himself, I know that might be hard to believe, but it's true. Painfully boring. This starts with the robots falling for each other and then goes absolutely nowhere. The robots just plod through about eighty minutes and do almost nothing. John Williams provides some ambient tinkering. There's a comedian robot with a cigar who provides such gems as the one about how his uncle was killed by a weasel. ("He was sitting on the railroad track, and a train came along, and he didn't hear the weasel.") That just pissed me off. So did the title, but it wasn't enough to stop me from watching this. Heartbeeps? It had Kaufman in it, so I was intrigued enough to give it a spin. If you, dear reader, ever told me that you were going to watch this, I would probably murder you to save you from the experience. I'm not a violent person or anything, but it would just seem like the human thing to do.

Shane trivia: This is the only movie I can remember apologizing to. I kept dozing off while watching this. At one point, a robot says, "What are you--an audience or an oil painting?" I was awake enough to hear that, figured the movie was talking about me, apologized, and even gave the thing a weak pity laugh.

Screwballs

1983 teen sex comedy

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Four mischievous high school boys receive detentions, and the chaste Purity Busch is partially to blame. They challenge each other to get their revenge by deflowering her.

Purity Busch sounds like a Bond girl. I can't decide if something like this is completely harmful or harmless. It's possibly a prelude to a deluge of shit, a film that manages to be both way ahead of its time and way behind the times simultaneously. Supposed-teen girls are objectified, breasts are exposed, a giant hot dog is abused. But does it hurt anything? The whole thing beings with a giant hot dog gag before moving things to Taft and Adams High (naturally) where we're introduced to the central characters. And that high school seems like a pretty realistic look at 80's secondary education. You've got a girl playing with a yo-yo, another kid playing with an airplane, a guy wearing a gas mask inexplicably, food fights, make-out sessions on cafeteria tables, a lot of hula-hooping, cafeteria bicycle rides, and meat locker masturbation sessions. The latter, by the way, apparently would only get you a detention, by the way. That's the 1980s for you. Oh, wait. This is supposed to take place in the 1950s, I think, but you really wouldn't know it from looking at anything in the movie. Actually, I might just be confused about when this is supposed to take place. Who cares? Is anybody even reading this? Am I even writing it? Part of me wants to give this some bonus points for a scene featuring sex with a stuffed animal, a scene that puts me just one away from completing a sex-with-a-stuffed-animal trifecta. It also has a scene at a drive-in where the kids are having sex while The Wild Women of Wongo plays. I don't know how much of another movie you're allowed to use in a movie, but this must push it to the limit. I think about thirty minutes of this eighty-minute film is The Wild Women of Wongo actually. I also liked a bearded guy with a pipe, one of the strip club patrons. He gets his one second of fame here, but I couldn't find a name for him. And I was fond of all these extraneous animal sound effects. Really, it was just sound effects in general, I guess. Some sound effects guy really took this as his opportunity to shine. Then, there's the biology teacher named Anna Tommical played by Raven De La Croix, the star of such hits as The Double-D Avenger, The Breast Things in Life Are Free, and Frankenstein vs. the Creature from Blood Cove. Here's here imdb.com picture, one apparently taken during her vacation to the inside of a kaleidoscope:

I do wonder what happened to all these kids. I'm too lazy to look them up to see if any of them had a notable post-Screwballs career. That, or I really don't want to spend any more time with this movie.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

2011 sequel to what I assume are movies that are just as bad as this one

Rating: 3/20 (Dallas: 5/20; Rodrigo: 15/20; Osni: 17/20; Melany: 16/20; Dutch: 18/20; Lance: 15/20; Drake: 1/20; Ig'Enid: 5/20; Kimberly: 11/20; Mary: 16/20; Jaidah: 16/20; Breona: 17/20; Adrian: 19/20; Kuenton: 17/20; Justin: 10/20; Cierra: 1/20; Matthew: 1/20; Danel: 19/20; Sarah: 2/20; Tyler: 13/20)

Plot: Talking chipmunks fall off a boat and Jason Lee ruins his career looking for them.

So this is the complete bullshit they're forcing me to watch at school now? I saw the terrible and terrible-unfunny punny title of this and said to myself, "This thing loses points just for the title." And then the chipmunks started talking and singing, and there went the rest of the points. Speaking of their voices, here's a question: Why do they need famous people--Amy Poehler, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, Chritina Applegate (some of them are famous, right?)--to do the voices for the chipmunks? Their voices are speeded-up and unrecognizable anyway! You know what I think? I think they're doing it just to screw with me. That's right. Director Mike Mitchell, who after this and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo should probably never be allowed to work again, cast Justin Long as Alvin just to screw with me. Well played, jackass! Jason Lee looks really uncomfortable here, and I'm not sure if it's because he has to talk to himself (well, imaginary chipmunks) the whole time or if he's upset that his career has come to this. And what's David Cross doing? His appearance actually makes me a little angry because there are a lot of things that David Cross could be doing with his time that doesn't involve him walking around in a chicken suit in this movie. This is annoying on more levels than I knew a movie could be annoying on. The chipmunks rap, sing, sing some more, rap again, and sing. And gyrate. There are way too many songs, and I was really close to sending one of my students out to pull the fire alarm so that I could a) hear something more pleasant and b) have a reason to go outside for a while. There are also all kinds of awkward references to much better works of art--Cast Away, Lord of the Rings, James Bond, television commercials, and Internet memes. All of them seem tired, and some of them won't make any sense in a few years. Hopefully, nobody's being subjected to this trash in a few years though. This movie really loses steam when they run out of things to do on the island, and it really didn't have any steam to begin with. I will say this, however: the chipmunk animation works well with the animals blending in with their surroundings perfectly. Unfortunately, they must have run out of special effects dough before making the volcano. I think this completes a "bad volcano trifecta" actually.

There was a movie that the chipmunks watched on the boat that had this monster that could shoot lasers out of its mouth. I really wanted to watch that movie instead. Hell, I really wanted to watch any other movie ever made instead!

Yes, I lowered the grades of any student who gave this above a 5/20. It makes me tremble when I think of our country's future.

And really. This and Deuce Bigelow? Blacklist this fiend!

The Old Dark House

1932 haunted house horror-comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: On a dark and stormy night, some travelers get stuck at a house inhabited by lunatics, pyromaniacs, drunkards, and bearded ladies.

Is it just me or is this a really weird movie, especially for 1932? It's got a weird rhythm that is that 2930's rhythm but different. It's a lot of fun when stuff's going on, but the character development and the interactions between the characters are useless. It was hard not to turn this off during an opening scene with a car in the storm. The overacting and dialogue are both excruciating. There's also barely a story here, and it's not told very well. Still, just the odd flavor of this thing makes it worth checking out. You get to see Boris Karloff as the drunk butler, scar-faced and mute. His "speaking" cracked me up every time, and I'm still wondering what that coming-down-the-stairs-hand-trick thing was. You also get to see Gloria Stuart before she got really old and ruined Titanic with her wrinkles. She looks much better here, especially when changing into a nightgown during a scene which would probably give Leonardo DiCaprio the strangest erection he's ever had. Charles Laughton's odd here, too, with a big movie laugh and a melodic ode to roast beef. There's Raymond Massey imploring everybody to "Have a potato" and Lillian Bond cackling, "No beds! You can't have beds!" Loved watching Bond eat in this, by the way. There's "Are you interested in flame?" followed by storytelling session oddness, a character making shadow finger puppets, and, of course, the old lady with hair glued on her face (Elspeth Dudgeon) playing an old man and saying gems like "At any moment, you might die if you're as old as I am" before laughing maniacally. Everything in this movie--the acting, the dialogue, the characters' movements--is completely unnatural, and as one of the first attempts to mix horror and comedy, it really isn't humorous or scary. Still, it's a pretty nifty early-30s oddball of a film that is worth seeing. The house is cool, too, if you're into movie architecture.

Spanking the Monkey

1994 movie that doesn't even have a monkey

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Some kid with 90s hair has an internship all set up but instead has to go back home to take care of his recently-injured mother because his dad is a traveling salesman. The dog keeps distracting him while he's trying to masturbate, and he's not having much luck at all with the neighbor gal. Luckily for him, his mother's a lot of fun to hang out with.

The box, imdb.com, and the above poster make this seem like it's supposed to be a comedy. It was definitely more disturbing than funny, and the indie-film quality somehow succeeded in making it all seem much, much creepier than it was supposed to be. There's a big shocking payoff in the late-middle part of the movie, and although I liked how it was filmed--well, maybe it should have been a lot less tasteful--when it happened, it really doesn't inspire anything but shrugs. The actors all perform as if they're either really sleepy or maybe hypnotized. Scenes with main character Raymond's friends not only seemed extraneous but interrupted the storytelling. This movie seemed much longer than it actually was. It's really unfortunate that there wasn't a monkey in this movie.

Shane Reviews the Greatest Movies Ever Made: Rules of the Game

1939 Renoir movie

Rating: 18/20

Plot: It's nearly identical to Porky's actually. A bunch of horny rich people and some equally horny servants shoot at some rabbits and sneak around in an effort to get to--I think--second base with other horny rich people's spouses. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure second base was the only base you were allowed to get to in the 1930s. Meanwhile, a guy with thin eyebrows shows off his instrument, somebody puts on a bear suit, a coat is borrowed,

I'm making it my goal to make a board game out of this movie. If a Welcome Back, Kotter board game once existed (It did.), why not a The Rules of the Game game? I just want to give people the opportunity to say, "Let's go over the rules of The Rules of the Game the Game."

This is the first in my series of movies from the Sight and Sound Greatest Freakin' Movies of All Time list. It seems that anything in the top ten should be perfect, and to avoid ridicule from more knowledgeable movie bloggers, I'm going to go ahead and slap a 20/20 on this mo-fo. [Edit: I have since changed my mind. This movie, being a little boring, was no 20/20. Bring on the ridicule if you must.] However, a perfect movie should be, well, perfect. And I thought of a way to improve The Rules of the Game, therefore making it less than perfect. My suggestion: Add Rocky Balboa--in color, of course--but make him Hobbit-sized. If you can't figure out how that would enhance The Rules of the Game, you're not smart enough to even read my blog, and I don't necessarily mean that as an insult.

I don't think I get the cultural significance of this movie, and I'm missing a lot of context. But in this movie, this little conversation happens:

"Put an end to this farce!"
"Which one?"

And I can appreciate the sophisticated madness happening on screen. There are so many characters trying to either kill or boink each other during a climactic party scene that it was almost maddening. And speaking of that party scene, the French bourgeoisie sure know how to throw down. They also "gay up" hunting in a way that would make any warm-blooded man who owns an orange vest completely uncomfortable. But that party? You get bear costumes, dancing ghosts with wire umbrellas (I think they, with the dancing skeleton man, came straight out of The Karate Kid), and a guy showing off a bitchin' calliope. This movie's really less about the story and more a weapon to satirize rich French people in the 30s. And for people like me who aren't smart enough to fully appreciate that, it can be all about the style. There's some incredible people choreography, especially in a couple hallway scenes with people coming in and out of their rooms with instruments and tossed pillows. It's an intricate dance and a real joy to watch. The party scene with wavering lights and characters running off at just the right times--right before the guy with the creepy eyebrows shows off his organ--is another brilliantly choreographed scene. It's all pretty revolutionary for the late-30s. Renoir often draws our attention to characters in the foreground while having something else happening in the background, sometimes through windows, or sometimes shifting the camera to another character or conversation. It reminds me of both Altman and Wes Anderson, in that order. Back to that guy's eyebrows though. I think I'm going to have nightmares about those. He might be the best character though. He gets a few memorable lines including, "I'm suffering and I hate it." I also liked the scenes at the hunt, especially one lingering shot of a poor dying rabbit with a twitching tail and his paws drawn to his chest. I should probably spend more time thinking about parallels between the hunting scenes and the film's dark climax.

When this movie opened, somebody caught a newspaper on fire and tried to burn down the theater because he hated it so much. I'm willing to bet it was because of a fight scene during the party which might be the worst fight scene ever committed to film. That, or it's because the French are snooty. I never once wanted to burn anything while watching this movie although I didn't think I was liking it all that much for the first half an hour. However, this sophisticated little soap opera really just kept growing and growing on me until it became my favorite movie ever with dead rabbits and a man in a bear costume. Plus, it inspired the aforementioned board game. And by the way--if you're ever invited to play this game, make sure you bring some condoms and groom your eyebrows beforehand. You just never know.

Next up in the Shane Reviews the Greatest Movies Ever Made series: One of my top five favorite movies and #1 on the Sight and Sound list--Vertigo.