1990 sequel to a sequel to a sequel to a sequelRating: 8/20
Plot: Rocky's gotten too old to punch people anymore. He's also run into a little bit of money trouble after a crooked accountant robs him. It's back to the crappy part of Philadelphia for poor Rocky and his family. Things look grim until he meets a young boxer who he decides to train for the heavyweight crown. Meanwhile, Rocky's son Rocky Jr. starts to feel alienated and becomes cinema's first goth kid. Mickey's still dead. Creed's still dead. Read this plot summary with a rock anthem behind it, and you've got yourself a montage!
Say what you want about the idiotic Rocky IV, but this one is just dull. The title crawl from the right is thankfully back, and we get to see a big ridiculous chunk of that bout with Drago where the commies decide to change their wicked ways and root for the guy with the red, white, and blue boxing trunks. And then you get to see a naked Stallone. Fantastic. Drago must have hit Rocky pretty hard, by the way. That or Stallone just flubs up his lines. Half of what he says in those first couple movies seems to be "Adrian! Adrian!" and at the beginning of his movie, after that pounding from Drago, he actually calls his wife Mick. He also tells his wife that "Maybe [he] should take [her] upstairs and violate [her] like a parking meter" which is probably not something you should say in front of your son. Speaking of his son, played by Sylvester Stallone's actual son Sage Stallone, he seems to have just as much acting talent as his dad. He acts as well as you'd expect a guy named Sage to act. All the scenes featuring children in this movie are pretty painful, and the hip hop score doesn't help. The dirty goth kid running off after Rocky Jr. beats up his friend ("I didn't like him anyway!") is pretty cool though. It's almost like Stallone wrote for these young characters without having ever been a child himself. And when his son starts rebelling, illustrated by his earring and his use of double negatives? It just so simpleminded. But back to the father. There's an entire conversation that Rocky has with Rocky Jr. where the former barely seems like he can speak English. He's back to the braindead Rocky of the first movie! Later, he wears a sweatshirt that rivals that tiger jacket in Rocky II for pure awesomeness. Oh, and Rocky has learned magic. He pulls things from about fifteen different ears in this movie which I think might somehow be how Mike Tyson got the idea to eat Evander Holyfield. I can't explain it here because I don't have time, but I have a few charts and diagrams to explain it all.
But I'm really making this movie sound better than it actually is. Sage Stallone isn't even the worst actor here. No, that dishonor goes to Tommy Morrison as Tommy "Machine" Gunn, a character whom I could not have possibly cared less about. He does look like a heavyweight boxer, maybe a little more realistic than Mr. T. or even Drago, but he's the least interesting antagonist in the series by far, and Morrison's acting abilities are dreadful. I did like the Don King character played by Richard Gant who would later play a character who couldn't find The Dude's Creedence tape. And Mickey's back from the dead, spitting all over the champion with his zombie spit. Ok, so it's not an undead Mickey. No, that'll probably happen in Rocky VII.
The real problem with this movie is the ending. Like the other movies, this builds to a climactic fight between Rocky and the antagonist, but this is a wild no-rules street brawl. "My ring is the streets!" What the hell is the lesson supposed to be here? I can't believe this is the way Stallone wanted to end things with this character ("Yo, Adrian! I did it! I beat up some thug in the street which actually doesn't, you know, solve any of our problems at all!") and the trumpety theme music almost seems blasphemous after some experimental flashback weirdness and that idiot son of his saying, "Knock the bum out! He took my room!" So stupid. And I think George Lucas ripped off dialogue from this for his fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan. "You and me was supposed to be brothers. I loved you." I think Obi-Wan says that verbatim in Revenge of the Sith.
This movie was almost no fun at all. Rocky movies aren't supposed to depress me! One more to go, and I can't imagine a movie where Rocky boxes at the age of 90 or whatever is going to be any good.
6 comments:
This movie was dull. I knew it then, and I know it now. Rocky without actual boxing is just a story about a brain damaged doofus.
Tommy Morrison, who plays Tommy Gunn was an actual heavyweight fighter who had a pretty good career. He was forced to retire in 1996 when he tested HIV positive. He is still alive and crazy as a freaking bedbug. Heres a little snippet from his Wikipedia site.
"By 2011, Morrison began to make various fringe claims, saying that he was able to teleport himself or regrow limbs, and that he should be able to box without HIV testing because HIV itself does not exist:[3] "I'm living proof that HIV is a myth."[2] He had made a similar statement in 1998, when he told ESPN that "HIV can’t be transmitted sexually anyway, unless it’s man to man. HIV is a harmless disease (sic) that does not cause AIDS."
The movie Rocky V wishes it could have been one tenth as entertaining as Tommy Morrison. Did I give it an 8 before? That sounds about right.
Wow. Did not know that, Barry, but I guess that's why Morrison looked so good in the ring. Now that I think about it, the name sounds familiar. I have a big pop culture hole from about 1989-1994 where I didn't pay a lot of attention to what was going on in movies or television or sports that weren't baseball.
Yeah, Morrison sounds like a nut.
You know, I just looked him up on Wikipedia, and it's coming back to me. I remember the Ray Mercer fight and his fight with Foreman. It's interesting how untrustworthy my memory is...
Its weird you mention pop culture holes. When I was a kid, I lived in Spain from the ages of 4 until I was 8. Because of this, I never watched Sesame Street as a kid, because by the time I got back to the US, I was too old for the show. So while everyone else my age has these fond memories of The Street, I have nothing but a gaping hole of living in the last fascist state in Europe. Its why, unlike the rest of America, I have no particular love of Muppets, and find them annoying rather than entertaining.
That'll be good for our Oprah selection of the month, something I'm watching tonight actually...
Sesame Street, yes...but wouldn't the actual Muppet Show and the Muppet movies have hit you at the wrong time anyway? I was six, I think, so it was perfect timing for me. Of course, there's enough adult humor in the Muppets to work for older people, too.
I was moderately entertained by The Muppet Show. I regret to tell the world I have never watched a Muppet Movie of any kind. No Muppets taking Manhattan, no Muppet Treasure Island, No Muppet Christmas Carol. I've seen snippets of some of them, like Michael Caine mugging it up as Scrooge to a Kermit Cratchet. And Kermit yoddling about some Rainbow Connection, whatever LSD trip thats from, but I have never sat down and watched any of these sockpuppet movies. I always figured that watching The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi had covered my adult muppet quota. I shall take a gander at this Oprah Muppet Movie though, just so I can be involved in the conversation.
My girls and I just finished it. It's better than 'Rocky V,' but I can't say anymore because I don't want to shoot my wad. So to speak.
If you were moderately entertained by 'The Muppet Show,' then I think you'll be moderately entertained by this. And most of the other Muppet movies.
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