Best Scene Featuring
a Nipple: Lots of candidates here as I’ve seen my fair share of nipples,
but Jeff Goldblum tweaking his own while looking at dinosaurs in Jurassic Park takes the prize.
Best Monster: Various
trolls in Trollhunter, crocodile men
and a bitchin’ Cyclops in The Devil’s
Sword, that bird puppet in The Giant
Claw, Godzilla or his enemy Destororah or whatever the hell that thing’s
name was, Gamera’s knife-headed opponent Guiron, Alice Cooper’s monster dog,
the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters,
the stop-motion gems in Equinox?
They’re great monsters, but the titular Godmonster, a deformed sheepish thing,
was the best monster I saw this year. And by that, I mean the worst.
Favorite Movie
Moments That Don’t Fit Anywhere Else in This Mess:
“I’ve got
you now, little guy” from MousehuntRosemary and Herman sharing a carrot in Rushmore
The chase scene involving a bicycle and a frog running on its hind legs in the otherwise dreadful The Secret of the Magic Gourd
Jackie Chan imitating Keaton in Project A II
Richard E. Grant eating fish sticks in How to Succeed in Advertising
Gordon-Levitt reenacting the Star Wars trash compactor scene in Hesher. . .also a scene where he farts.
Loch Ness monster eating a cowboy in The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao
Gene Wilder going bonkers over his blue blanket in The Producers
Doctors trying to save a girl’s life in Hobo with a Shotgun
A one-armed man making air quotes in Brief Encounters with Hideous Men
A dough-juggling scene in A Woman, A Gun, and a Noodle Shop
The breastfeeding of a unicorn in Black Moon
Liam’s prayer in The Grey
The Orlac-esque shower butt-poke scene from Guy Maddin’s Cowards Bend the Knee
Nicholson orders food in Five Easy Pieces
All the wonderfully disturbing places Noe takes the viewer in Enter the Void
Frankenstein’s sexy sexy bride twitching and chirping
Bill Murray’s bowling
Most Outrageous Claim That I Made All Year:
That John Carpenter is somehow responsible for 9/11
My Best Idea of the
Year: Taking A Night to Remember,
digitally remove the iceberg, and digitally include Rip Torn throwing wrenches
at the ship.
My Worst Idea of the
Year: Goonies 3: Mama Fratelli’s
Bedroom Adventures in 3-D
Best Comment I Got
All Year: “Whatever your an asshole you don’t even get the fucking
brilliance of this movie. it is a parody douche bag. GO watch NOT ANOTHER TEEN
MOVIE or something that you can get because WET HOT is obvously over your
fucking head.” From Anonymous.
Best Fight Scene of
the Year: Nothing beats the titular monkey from A*P*E fighting that rubber shark although Edward Norton fighting
himself in Fight Club, Singh’s
multi-jointed contortionist kung-fu moves in Kung Fu vs. Yoga, and the seemingly endless gun fight at the end of
Samurai Cop are all pretty good. And
if you’d call it a fight, the scene where Samurai Cop throws a sword and chops
off a guy’s arm is great, too.
Worst Special Effect
of the Year: The candidates: Most of A*P*E,
the Darth Vader-esque wizard getting his head chopped in half in The Man Who Saved the World, the
exploding birds in Birdemic: Shock and
Terror, the play-doh heads in Riki-Oh.
Wait, that can’t be all the candidates. I’ll have to come back to this one
later.
Best Sound Effect: A
slide whistle accompanying a nutsack grab in Kung Fu vs. Yoga. The worst sound effect is probably the chomping
of that bird puppet in The Giant Claw.
Top Things That Would
Get Me in Trouble If My Wife Read My Blog (aka A Year of Randiness):
Watching the
x-rated Alice in WonderlandTyping that I have a “thing” for Marion Cotillard
Claiming that Jennifer Aniston’s character saying “I love kung-fu” is the most arousing thing ever
How I’d like to pat Claudia Cardinale’s behind
Admitting that I was sexually aroused by a taxi
Fantasizing about 6 Shelley Duvalls at one dinner table
Joy Hammon’s car washing abilities
Speculating on how I’d probably consider dating Berenice Bejo if the opportunity presented itself
Whitney Moore “as cute as can be”
“I like animated nudity as much as the real thing.”
“I’ve been looking for a good tentacle rape scene.”
Admitting that I was aroused by Audrey II
Claiming that Sally Fields was my first lover
Adding Caroline Munro’s winking to my masturbation rolodex
Waxing poetic about the way Uma Thurman moves in Pulp Fiction
Writing about how I have no use for period horror movies except for the cleavage
Raving about Jannis Farley’s posterior
“I may have a crush on Bradley Cooper.”
Writing about lovely Genesis Rodriguez’s “actual buttocks”
“All the points I’m giving this are for the boobs.”
Best Sex Scene: So many good ones that
I can’t pick just one. There’s FDR having his mistress squirt mustard and
ketchup all over his “little polio legs,” Victoria Abril getting it on with a
diver toy in Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down,
Levitch’s simulated (I think) orgasm in The
Cruise, a teddy bear and clam chowder can sex scene in Period Piece, Kevin McDonald’s attempts to sodomize a ghost in that
Guy Maddin movie, and a man having his way with a library book return slot in The Onion Movie. Seriously, what kinds of
movies am I watching? Anyway, Elizabeth Berkley’s swimming pool scene has got
to win this one.
Best Documentary: It’s Agnes Varda’s The Gleaners and I although I really
liked her other documentary that I saw (Beaches
of Agnes), The Times of Harvey Milk,
The Cruise and Atomic Café which I’d already seen, Hands on a Hard Body, Dark
Days, and The Gods of Times Square,
the latter which I wrote about in a way that seemed to piss off the director.
Best Animated Movie: When the Wind Blows, topping that stop-animated
pirate movie.
Worst Animated Movie: It wasn’t going
to win the Manos, so I wanted to mention it somewhere else. Titanic: The Legend Lives On. . . really
has to be seen to be believed.
Best Dance Scene: Chris Marker almost
makes Jarmusch’s early go Permanent
Vacation worth the effort. Bill Murray’s dance in Zissou is a thing of beauty. “Moses Supposes” in Singin’ in the Rain is terrific. Salma
Hayek does some good work in From Dusk till Dawn. A nude Claudia Jennings
sort-of dances in a disco torture chamber in Deathsport. Madsen’s dancing in Reservoir
Dogs is one of the reasons I watched that movie twice this year. Gamera
dances, but he isn’t as good as Godzilla in Monster
Zero. Oldman doesn’t dance, but he does conduct an apartment trashing in a
way that’s almost like a dance. The winner? Obviously, it’s got to be Matthew
McConaughey in Magic Mike.
Something I’m Still Confused About: That
fucking cube in The Avengers!
Best Actor: Goldblum as Jesus, Goldblum
as Freak 1 in Death Wish, Richard E.
Grant in both Withnail and How to Succeed in Advertising, Tony
Randall’s tour de force in The Seven
Faces of Dr. Lao, Kingsley in Hugo, Albert
Brooks in Drive, Bronson Dudley’s
small part in Trees Lounge, Gambon in
The Cook. . . (one of my favorites ever
maybe), Norton as twins in Leaves of
Grass, Mike O’Connell’s hilarious work in The Living Wake, Craig Roberts in Submarine, Alain Delon in Purple
Noon, Ossie Davis as JFK, Peter Stormare from Fargo, Gleason as Smokey, Schwartzman in Rushmore. It’s hard to pick a favorite, but when you call two Gene
Wilder performances (Frankenstein and Wonka) the “greatest ever,” you sort of
commit yourself.
Best Actress: Caroline Munro (twice!),
Whitney Moore from Birdemic,
Catherine Keener in Johnny Suede,
Imelda Staunton from Rat, Bejo in a
pair of performances, Anita Ford and Pam Grier, both in The Big Bird Cage, Catherine Spaak in The Libertine, the hilarious Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids, Anais Reboux in the tough Fat Girl, Katie Aselton in The Puffy Chair, Cecillia Stark in her
lone performance in Strangers in Paradise,
Marie-Josee Croze from The Barbarian
Invasions. What a list! The winner? Una O ‘Connor’s brilliance as Millie in
The Bride of Frankenstein!
Best Musical Moments of the Year:
Dr. Teeth
and the Electric Mayhem rock on a bus in The
Great Muppet Caper
The
“Dingaling” song in that x-rated Alice in WonderlandCrispin Glover’s little song in Twister
Rapping dogs on the Titanic in that awful cartoon
“Puttin’ on the Ritz” from Young Frankenstein
Wesley Willis’s song about Jar-Jar Binks in the George Lucas documentary
A shirtless Tony Randall playing a pan flute, a runner-up in my nipple category
“Satisfaction” from Riki-Oh
“Come Out and Play” from The Warriors
The talent show from Revenge of the Nerds
The best musical moment? That would be the Muppets’ cover of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
2 comments:
glad to see richard e grant as one of the top acting jobs this "year" i think its one of the best ever.
See 'How to Get Ahead in Advertising'...he's really good in that, too.
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