1979 attempt to capitalize on the success of Star Wars
Rating: 3/20 (Johnny: 0/20; Fred: 0/20; Libby: 0/20; Josh: 0/20; Jeremy: unable to finish)
Plot: None of us really knew what was happening.
Check out these ingredients: a hodgepodge of freaky-deaky alien lifeforms at some sort of planetary auction, a robot made out of a trashcan and some buttons, android henchmen with Dutch Boy haircuts who reminded me a little of Oompa Loompas, two duck-billed robots--one with eyebrows--who are both suicidal and in love, a variety of cardboard sets, a guy with a terrible mustache and an even worse sense of personal boundaries, strange eye hypnotism tricks, lizard-faced scaly bad guys, some outer space star fightin' action that is almost lighted well enough to actually see, some proto-electronic "jaunty sci-fi" music, lightsabers, a hero who did about as many flips as that guy in Gymkata. Those are the ingredients for a good bad movie and a solid 100 minutes of fun, right? Not so fast there, star fighter. My friends and I decided to watch a Star Wars rip-off for May 4th and got pumped up, even going so far as to pick our own Star Wars names--Han SoulBro, Luke Thighwalker, Obi Won Come Bone Me, Jabba the Slut, Sleezo, Boba Fetish, Admiral Jackbar, R2Deeznuts, Spewbacca, Loada, Handjob Calrissian, all which showed that we have the mental age of a bunch of ten-year-olds. Our excitement quickly waned after just a few minutes of this Italian disasterpiece, one of us couldn't finish, and one of us became as suicidal as the duck-billed robots.
Fred: "Is anyone else's picture really dark?" (This was part of the problem. Most of the action in this was hard to see. Of course, the parts we could see were things that nobody would really want to see, so maybe it was a blessing in disguise.)
Josh: "Can someone turn the fucking light on!?!?!" (See?)
Jeremy: "In the future, only the color blue survived." (So when it wasn't completely dark, it was murky blue.)
Josh: "Kick ass Jedi name: Hollywood." (See, the ingredients are there. This should have been a classic good bad movie.)
Fred: "Black and white stock footage? Seriously people?" (Ahh, yes. There was apparently an attack on Earth in this, and that part did consist of black and white stock footage. It didn't match the murky blue at all!)
Jeremy: "Jeez, this thing is only 10 minutes in." (First sign that poor Jeremy was not going to make it. Each 10 minutes did seem like about an hour though.)
Me: "Sorry for the use of an offensive word." (It was when I speculated on the garbage can robot's name, a play on R2D2. You can figure out the word for yourself.)
Fred: "Skype is so far the highest technology this movie seems to have."
Libby: "Why does every movie we watch feel like a porn is going to break out at any moment?" (I think this might have just been wishful thinking on Libby's part. It did sort of have a vibe though.)
Me: "Star Odyssey: A film that Jar Jar Binks' appearance could actually improve."
Josh: "Gambling blows in the future." (There were two scenes in a gambling facility of some kind. They were out of order which confused us all greatly. Turns out that reels were in the wrong place. It barely mattered!)
Johnny: "Jimmy Caan is rocking a bitching bedazzled Spider-man sweater."
Jeremy: "I have had enough." (And there went Jeremy.)
Me: "The guy boxing the robot is named Norman?" (Oh, this reminds me that there was a scene, also disjointed for reasons unknown to us, featuring a guy boxing a robot. How was this movie not fun?)
Fred: "Wtf are we watching." (Because that about sums up our experience.)
Me: "Poor Hiroshima...being mentioned in this movie is the worst thing that's ever happened to that city."
Johnny: "I think these robots should give suicide another shot."
Me: "Wait a second...are you guys watching the rest of this without pants?" (I don't know.)
Trust me--these random snippets of our conversation make just as much sense as this movie. Damn the Italians!
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