1967 rubber monster movie
Rating: 8/20
Plot: Scientists venture toward Mars in a uranium-fueled Astro-Boat in order to solve the mystery of what's happening to astronauts who keep turning up missing. They accidentally bring home an "X" which escapes the lab and goes on a rampage.
Spoiler Alert: They end up defeating the guy in the rubber suit by covering it in jism. I thought you'd like to know that right off the bat.
Criterion released this Shochiku film, and it had to have been because they either lost a bet or wanted to see if they could piss off people who were pissed at their release of Armageddon even more. It does have a pretty kick-ass song over the title credits:
That's the kind of thing I wish somebody would play whenever I walked into a room. Of course, I doubt the lyrics are "Here comes Shane/with his fancy pants/watch him do/a little monkey dance," which would properly set people up for my room entry. The special effects are charmingly naive. The Astro-Boat looks pretty cool:
It's fueled by uranium lugged to the space center by a guy with suspicious facial hair. The cutesy moon base effects are antiquated, fun space silliness. My favorite effect might have been when our protagonists are put on trampolines behind some jagged rocks to make them weightless. Seems like movie people should have known better in 1967 since they didn't see Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong bouncing around like that. The jangly jazz during that scene also kind of clashes with the sci-fi adventure these characters are on. There's another great scene where a character announces that "small asteroids are hitting the ship" (asteroids in between the moon and earth apparently), and the sound effect--some TING sounds--are more cute than menacing. That is until one actually punctures the ship! What follows is a butt-suctioning sequence that might have been awkward comic relief. Again, the science is a little sketchy there. Seems like the poor scientist's rectum and intestines should have been sucked out of his body there. Now that would have been a classic movie moment!
Those characters are pretty stockish, including the inclusion of a space biologist bimbo who allows the screenwriters to be sexist in that quaint 1950's way. None of them seem to be taking any of this mission seriously even after being reminded that "the best people" have already died on similar missions. As expected, none of them really seem like the even know what a scientist is or does. Their most scientifically-impressive moment might be when they recognize that a pair of footprints are the same. And like a lot of these monster movies with limited budgets, we're kind of stuck with a limited amount of characters. There's definitely a lack of fleeing frightened Japanese people in this movie. The peril is far from universal.
But the monster? Oh, holy hell, the monster! The first glimpse is magical, especially if you go into this thing without seeing the poster like I did. It's some sort of chicken monster with triangular ears, protruding red eyes, wobbling antennae, and no shoulders. The suit's sagging in some of the wrong places, and whoever's in there doesn't seem very comfortable. He sort of swipes at things like he's having trouble seeing. Maybe that's why the X is so mad to begin with? In his first scene, it appears that he's burning a hillside with radioactive urine. The monster is never called "X" in this; instead, he's Guilala because that's what they decided to name the monster. The miniature work is pretty awful, and it completely took me out of the realism of the rest of the movie. Those toys just couldn't stop him! Not even a plane kamikaze-ing directly into his face can stop him! At one point, Guilala turns into a throbbing orange thing which must have been an idea the makers of this got after watching Godzilla turning into a throbbing orange thing in one of those movies. There's an enthralling jeep/monster chase sequence during the climax of this thing that is just amazing. Add the Astro-Boat battling some sort of flying danish and more space ejaculate than you'll ever find in any Godzilla or Gamera, and you've got a conclusion that will likely make any fan of sub-par rubber monster movies happy.
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