Illustrated Man (featuring a young Donald Trump)
Moonlight
The FP (much better than the movie anyway)
Battle of the Sexes
Mother!
Altered States
Genuine
The Hourglass Sanatorium
The Reflecting Skin
The Handmaiden
The Screaming Skull
Diary of a Lost Girl
Pieles (Skins)
Fursonas
The Fabulous Baron Munchausen
Q
All the Money in the World
Worst Poster
After Last Season
Tales from the Quadead Zone
Before Sunrise (I avoided this movie forever because of this poster.)
Three characters walking down a street while wind blows trash all over the place in Satantango (well, that could have easily fit in the “extended shot” category)
A nun rape scene in Lair of the White Worm
Lover turned to statues turned to dust in Altered States
“All my dreams are lost” cacophony in The Phantom of the Paradise
The interrogation scene with Lyle Lovett and Whoopi Goldberg in The Player where Lovett references Freaks
Nuns walking up a hill in Marketa Lazarova
A shot of Carradine leaning on a banister with a bunch of puppet shadows on the wall in Bluebeard
Guy emerging from mud and staring at the camera with those eyes in Invasion of Thunderbolt and Pagoda
Herzog’s “that was a good swoosh” while poised on the lip of a volcano
Brad Pitt running in War Machine
Deux en machina--Danton Jr. jumping in with a gun at just the right moment in Deadliest Prey
That puppet goodbye scene in Endless Poetry (I know I did fit this in somewhere else, but I wanted to mention it again anyway.)
Sam Neill’s character getting a tub of popcorn in In the Mouth of Madness
The dramatic reading of "Goodnight, Moon" in Life
The opening of The Room in The Disaster Artist
Favorite Sex Scene
Marquis has sex with a wall, urged on by his talking penis
Yeti sex in Yeti: A Love Story
The Greasy Strangler...any of them really
The very bouncy scene with a burn victim and droopy-faced gal in Skins
Psychedelic sex scene in The Trip
3-Iron, though I can’t really remember if there even was a sex scene
Images, a trippy sex scene in a mirror
Octopus-on-woman action in Possession
The experimental movies the daughter/grandaughter makes in Meyerowitz
Coitus interruptus (twice) with Mark in Jack and Julie
Somnophilia with Nicole Kidman in The Killing of a Sacred Deer (or another scene with Kidman in a vehicle)
The winner’s an easy pick though--it’s Divine raping Divine in Female Trouble. How could that NOT win?
Best Penis
Marquis, with a talking one
Applesauce, with a severed one in a noodle dish
Nothing but Trouble, on Dan Aykroyd’s face
Yes, I did Google "dan aykroyd penis nose" for you people.
Can the penis puppet in Marquis win the Lew Zealand award and this one? I don’t see why not! Congratulations, penis puppet!
Best Furry Scene
That hot little bear girl in Kontroll
Hottest Scene
Amanda Donohoe playing Chutes and Ladders in lingerie in Lair of the White Worm
The “shunting” scene in Society
Future sex in Blade Runner 2049 with a robot and hooker morphing
Nicole Kidman giving a guy a handjob in The Killing of a Sacred Deer
“After the Ball,” a Melies short with a fun bit of nudity
Lesbian mermaid sequence in The Lure
The winner? Sally Hawkins and her amphibious friend in the bathroom in The Shape of Water.
Best Nudity
Amanda Donohoe, mentioned far too many times in this year-in-review crap already; Tim Robbins all covered with mud in The Player, Rod Steiger in The Illustrated Man, Sally Hawkins in The Shape of Water? Or how about Clara Bow in Wings? No, this one goes to this year’s Billy Curtis award winner for her nude scene in Endless Poetry. I'll confess that I was a little aroused during that.
(Did you get that? Is anybody still reading this?)
Worst Nudity
Loads of stuff in The Greasy Strangler
Best Golden Shower Scene
Mother!
I think it might have been the only golden shower scene that I saw this year. What a sad year 2017 was!
Best Masturbation Scene
Yep. This is still a category.
A phone sex scene in The Greasy Strangler (“Come on!”)
Kevin, maliciously in We Need to Talk about Kevin
The Office's Packer in Cheap Thrills, surprise masturbation while watching his wife have sex with another guy
A guy jacking off to a picture of a deformed girl in Skins when his mom intrudes
A guy choking his chicken while he’s supposed to be monitoring the main character in an immersion tank in A Cure for Wellness
And the winner is Sally Hawkins in her bathtub in The Shape of Water.
Best Dirty Drawing
Munchausen’s sketch of Mona Lisa’s posterior in The Fabulous Baron Munchausen
Biggest Distraction
Being forced to imagine Dopey having sexual intercourse while watching those Disney Descendants movies. Oh, come on! Like you didn’t?
Coolest Bit of shane-movies Trivia that Only Shane Probably Cares About
2017 was the first time that I watched a 1/20 movie and a 20/20 movie back-to-back. Those two movies also have the biggest difference in running times than any two movies I’ve ever seen back-to-back--7.5 hours and 53 minutes.
I'm also overly proud of having back-to-back blog entries for movies that were made 121 years apart.
Personal Goal, So Far Unfulfilled
My desire to bring “make it snappy” back into the vernacular, though I haven't really given it much effort
My Proudest Blogger Moments from 2017
A clever pun for my movies-a-go-go entry of The Brain That Wouldn’t Die: a reference to the Dipshitocratic Oath
Refraining from any “morning wood” jokes in my write-up for A Monster Calls
A hilarious “one-hand clapping” joke in my review of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...and Spring
My plot synopses for Robert Altman’s Countdown and A Man There Was, the latter better than anything Henrik Ibsen ever wrote
When I convinced my gullible readers that Roar Uthaug means “Loud Blockbuster” in Norwegian because the joke’s on them and it totally doesn’t! Suckers!
Best Performance by a Baby in a Movie
“Brian” in The Fate of the Furious
Things That Made Me Angry This Year
Actually, lots made me angry this year. 2017 was terrible. I should have been more specific in the subheading for this section. These would be things that made me angry in movies this year.
The unnecessary Kennedy “money shot” in Jackie
The completely tone-deaf and propagandish Last Ounce of Courage, in a way the perfect movie for a calendar year filled with so much idiocy
A troll farting glitter or a troll with an autotuned voice in Trolls
The Little Panda Fighter
That some guy not named Peter Mayhew did not play Chewbacca in Wonder
That the story about the etymology of “kangaroo” in Arrival was completely made up
My Wife’s Defense of Trolls and Glitter
“It’s so sparkly. I love glitter, even if it comes out of a troll’s butthole.”
While on the subject of my wife. . .
Quote That Shows How Angry My Wife Gets Because of What She Sees as a Movie Addiction
“Meanwhile, you’re watching this shit.” (A response to about 2 ½ hours of Melies on a Saturday afternoon that she thought I should have been using for something else)
And since I know she would hate that I included either of those quotes, I might as well put this one here:
Things That Would Probably Annoy My Wife If She Read My Blog
You might remember that last year, I wrote about how she made a reference to this part of my year-in-review. So a more accurate title might be “Things That Would Probably Annoy My Wife Conveniently Located in One Place” or something.
The fact that seeing Nicolas Cage in a cowboy costume gave me a boner--a boner with a capital O!
My Lair of the White Worm ramblings
My enjoyment of Kristen Wiig’s bangs
That I have a list of silent film stars I’d like to sleep with if I had access to a time machine
A fantasy I have of playing Slap Jack with Kate Micucci
Louise Brooks fawning while watching Diary of a Lost Girl or my confession of a desire to live in a home for wayward girls
The revelation that I have a horse-riding pants fetish
Loving a little person sex scene in Endless Poetry a little too much
My desire to see King Kong’s penis
The “thing” I have for Vera Farmiga
A reaction to Elizabeth Taylor’s possible nipple and the confession that I have a thing for mannequins
The fact that I pretended to “bang” her with “extra gusto” after watching God’s Pocket
That I want to have sex on a floating monastery
The idea that I might have been aroused while enjoying Fatty Arbuckle’s cross-dressing shenanigans
Details of a Sybil Seely wet dream
My concerns over having an erection during The Great Rupert
The likelihood that I’d probably have a sexual encounter with a 125-year-old Lillian Gish if given the chance
That I’m aroused at the sight of Dom DeLuise in a dress
That I fall in love with silent movie actresses and it’s the only reasons I even watch silent movies
That I would love to have Tuesday Weld as a girlfriend
That I fell in love with Sally Hawkins, who was also sort of a silent movie actress, just like the creature did
However, I don’t think I typed Scarlett Johansson’s name even once this year!
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