2017 Year in Review: Part One

I just completed my tenth year of completely pointless blogging. That’s both embarrassing and a little depressing. I have no idea why I do this anymore.

This year, I watched 316 movies, up from the 282 and 298 from the previous two years. The average rating was right about the same as 2016--12.45 to last year's 12.5. I saw one movie that I gave a 20/20 and three that I gave a 1/20. 15/20 was my most popular rating this year. I didn't see any 19/20's.

I saw a whopping 43 movies in theaters this year, breaking my previous record of. . .I don't know. Five?

Anyway, let's get on with these awards!

The Billy Curtis Award

Following tradition, we start with the best performance by a little person. Our nominees:

Michael Moore--not that Michael Moore--played T-Bone, a sidekick in a silly movie called Ankle Biters.

I loved Richard Kruger’s performance as a wicked dwarf in The Singing Ringing Tree.

There was a little motorcycle gang fellow in a religious movie we watched called Last Ounce of Courage.

1920’s From Morn to Midnight had two little people--a little waitress and a guy in the “gallery” who falls off the stands, but unfortunately neither do enough to force me to even look up their names.

Perennial nominee Peter Dinklage was his usual outstanding self in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.

While rewatching Blade Runner, I enjoyed Kevin Thompson who played a bear and John Edward Allen who made an even better Kaiser.

Previous winner and legend Angelo Rossitto popped up in three movies that I saw this year. He was in The Trip, briefly sold newspapers in Dementia, and had a bigger part in The Corpse Vanishes with Bela Lugosi.

The Trip also had a great scene with a little guy who delivers a non-sequitur (“Bay of Pigs!”) while riding on a little merry-go-round. It’s awesome.

Jodorowsky’s Endless Poetry had a little Hitler, but it was Julia Avendano who really stood out in that movie.

And Pieles (Skins) had Ana Maria Ayala playing Vanessa (and a character named Pinkoo) as well as a little person brothel owner.

I’ve been wanting a woman to win this award for as many years as I’ve engaged in these shenanigans, and I’m happy to report that a woman has finally won the Billy Curtis. Congratulations, Julia Avendano from Endless Poetry!

I'm sure her star will rise after winning the Billy Curtis, and next time, a better picture will be available. 

Best Windsock Man

I can only remember one although my note-taking isn’t very consistent with this whole thing. In fact, you probably shouldn’t trust another thing you read in these year-in-review posts. But the one I remember from Pay the Ghost was a good one and had great rapport with Nicolas Cage, so it wins.

These pictures are very disappointing. 

Best Reader Comments

I wish I got more reader comments. It might make this whole thing seem worth it. There aren’t a lot to choose from, but these are my favorites.

Cory: “Who would have thought a movie about a mother seeking justice for her raped and murdered daughter would be such a downer?”
Barry: “Congratulations, you have my approval. Finally you can sleep easy.”
Ricky: “Unfortunately, I am found this site. It is the very nice site. You have has done a great work keep share. Along with Reviews also share the link to watch movies online.”
Shivam (but maybe Ricky?): “Unfortunately, I found this site and like this very much. In a simple way, you represent the things. Keep sharing. Please share the link to watch Valerian and the City of a Thousand planets (2017) online. I am very excited for this.” (For Night of the Kickfighters, by the way.)
Josh: “I can’t believe I’m in a thread regarding child molestation.”
Cory: “I used the word either in four straight sentences. Either that is a record or maybe records aren’t kept about such things.”
Cory: “An 11? I will have to get back to this when I have time in a few days, but this is probably the most offensive 11 since Field of Dreams.”
Cory, about Manchester by the Sea: “Maybe you would have liked this more if it had more farts.”
Cory: “Like movie musicals, for me Meryl Streep movies start with two strikes.”
Larry: “Fantasia is the only movie I enjoyed on hallucinogens.”

Best Drug Trip

Speaking of Nicolas Cage, his trip in Army of One gets this award. He walks around laughing at random things, says “Ride it, Cowboy” to a kid on a coin-operated horse, and kicks a pinball machine like only a drugged Nicolas Cage character can. I’m not sure if it’s even close to an accurate portrayal of drug use, but it’s still my favorite.

Honorable mentions: A minimalist trip providing Embrace the Serpent’s only color and numerous scenes in Altered States.

Best Scene Featuring Intestines

Bone Tomahawk has a brief shot featuring intestines, but this is a battle of disembowelment with Yeti: A Love Story and Endless Poetry. The award goes to Jodorowsky, not because I really remember what I’m even referring to in my notes but because it was a much better movie.

Best Hat

If I could find a picture of Nicolas Cage wearing a fez in Army of One, it might be the winner. But I can’t, so it’s disqualified due to rules that I’m making up as I go along. It’s a difficult choice between two silent movies with four combined hats and Rosco P. Coltrane. Bernhard Goetzke showed that Death has quite the taste in hats in Destiny.

James Best’s hat in The Killer Shrews was the best actor in that movie.

But this is a three-way tie between the three hats worn by the three men in 3 Bad Men. Look at these and then tell me that I have to pick just one!

Best Accessory

Phantom of the Paradise and Phantom of the Opera, with their masks and Poe-esque skull-and-striking-red costumes respectively, split the “Phantom” vote. I love the Catholic fashion show in Fellini’s Roma. 

But Vanilla Ice’s pants in Cool as Ice puts all of those costumes to shame!

A unicorn mask in Pieles (Skins) made me laugh, and Adam Driver’s prosthetic arm in Logan Lucky was the best thing about that movie. But I’m a sucker for a good codpiece, especially when it’s worn by a woman, so it’s Amanda Donohoe’s codpiece in Lair of the White Worm that earns itself this award.

Best Monologue 

Tommy Wiseau, for this thing of beauty in Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance:

"Hi, Joe. I was waiting my entire life for this. You think you're chosen one, Joe? There is no room for words, Joe. We have to do this. This is something we must do! There is no room for the words, Joe. No room at all! Ahhhhh! I kill you, Joe! This is my destiny, Joe! This is my birth rights! Why you are cheating my destiny, Joe? Ever since I burned. I earned, no burned. Not born, Joe. No one can stop me, but I can stop myself, but I will not stop myself, Joe. I own the palace. I own 25 of them, and I built more. I eat them for breakfast, Joe. You got that? I listen to humanity, Joe, and I buried it in my sleep! Ever since I was born, Joe. When I reversed little boys. Ahhhhh!"

Best Death Scene (There might be spoilers here if you haven’t seen these movies.)

Pacino’s in Scarface is a classic, but I also saw a guy get drilled to death in Dreamaniac, death-by-shrews in The Killer Shrews, a father drench himself in gasoline and commit suicide in The Reflecting Skin, and a guy perish in leafy quicksand in Superargo and the Faceless Giants. And I got to see a guy shit himself to death just a few days ago in La Grand Bouffe. The death of a detective’s boyfriend (Zimmerman) in Possession is great stuff, and I like how the protagonist of the great silent film From Morn to Midnight strikes a crucifixion pose following his demise. The Greasy Strangler has some great death scenes where eyes pop out of people’s heads, a great death scene with a pig guy, and a wonderfully explosive climax. The “Bonestripper” ride in Nothing but Trouble wouldn’t be my number one choice for my own termination, but I did like seeing it in action. Bela Lugosi barely tops Angelo Rossito in The Corpse Vanishes. Vincent D’Onofrio in The Magnificent Seven; Yeong-su Oh in Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. . .and Spring; and whichever Ryan happened to be in Blade Runner 2049 all get really poignant death scenes.

The best death scene of the year goes to Shirley L. Jones who does the impossible by besting her husband’s completely ridiculous death scene in Tales from the Quadead Zone. The combination of the Casio score, the raw power of Jones’ performance, and the special effects showing what happens after her death all add up to something really powerful.

Spoiler.

Honorable Mention: the death of a pirate extra in The Black Pirate. This picture does not do his work justice.

An Embarrassing Confession and a Time I Made Myself Laugh

When writing about a Hungarian movie called The Treasure, I confessed that I wasn’t sure if Hungary was even a country anymore. I get confused with a lot of those Eastern European countries. I speculated that Hungary, like Czechoslovakia, had broken into two countries and decided they’d probably be called The Hung Republic and Gary. And I just laughed again as I typed that.

Movies That Made Me Cry

Gilbert Gottfried’s appearance in Life, Animated; Gleason; The Big Sick; and Coco. God damn you, Pixar! I even knew exactly what was coming, and you still got me!

Something Else That Made Me Cry, Likely a Sign That I Am Dealing with Depression

The realization that I live my life as if I’m some sort of self-inflicted purgatory and will more than likely see The Emoji Movie some day

Funniest Movie Moment

I’ll still argue that it doesn’t get better than Chaplin in A Dog’s Life with that gag where he sits behind an unconscious guy and makes it look like his arms are the guy’s arms. It gets me every time!

Best Doll

Annabelle in The Conjuring doesn’t bring the scares nearly as well as a creepy clown doll in Ghosthouse. Neither are as cute as Ossi Oswaldi in Die Puppe though, so she wins. 

Best Use of a Dummy in a Movie

With the amount of silent movies I watched this year, you might be able to guess that the best dummy came from one of those. I like Georges Melies use of obvious dummies in movies like “The Cook’s Revenge” or “The Fantastical Meal,” but policeman dummies in Harry Langdon’s Long Pants (more likable and funnier than Harry Langdon) and tossed around by Eric Campbell in a Chaplin short are both great. The winner is in another Chaplin short--”The Fireman”--and this great scene where he saves a female dummy who clearly has different hair than the actress it’s supposed to represent. 

The Lew Zealand (Best Use of a Puppet in a Movie)

Can I count that giant moon guy used in the Melies movies (“The Astronomer’s Dream,” etc.) as a puppet? I really want Endless Poetry to win another award, and the puppet boobs in one scene and a touching puppet goodbye where they start humming along with the score are just magical. And you just have to be impressed with the sheer number of Gremlins moving simultaneously in the movie theater scene from the first one and the “New York, New York” scene in the abysmal sequel. However, this award goes to one of the first movies I watched this year--Marquis--and de Sade’s puppet penis. Elegant puppetry! 

Best Animal Performance

Satantango has both a great cat and a great owl. If animated animals qualify, a monkey and a dog in The Amazing Bulk are both great. That 7-eyed sheep-headed person in Altered States? Does that count? 

Pogo, a dog, gives a sensational performance in The Illustrated Man, and Scraps is also great in A Dog’s Life. A bird (either a raven or a crow) in The Amazing Mr. X, the dog in Paterson, the elephant in The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared, a great ensemble chicken cast in Death Laid an Egg, and Luke the dog in various Arbuckle shorts. 

Those were all good, too. But the winner for Best Animal Performance is Jocko the Monkey for The Lost World. Jocko won this award a few years ago for stealing the show in Harold Lloyd’s The Kid Brother. You shouldn’t verify any of this because I’m probably just making it up. I’m not even sure it’s the same monkey. I don’t take my real job seriously. Do you really think I’m going to take something like this seriously? Anyway, congratulations to you, dead monkey. 

Best Fake Animal

Both the fish and the bear in The Singing Ringing Tree were great. 

And I loved the donkey costume in Melies’ “The Enchanted Well,” something that’s fresh on my mind. But I’m giving this award to another silent movie--Peter Pan. If George Ali were still alive today, I’m sure he’d be thrilled about how much I appreciated his work as Nana the Dog. It was his only movie role, probably because he knew there was no way he could do anything that would surpass it. 

Worst Talking Animal

In Descendants 2, a dog says “Amazeballs,” and I don’t think I have to say anything else about that. 

Question That Was Never Answered by Any of My Faithful Readers

Is there a difference between a wizard and a sorcerer? 

Movies I Had Sex During

War Machine