Skyscraper

2018 movie with The Rock

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A one-legged guy has to save his family from a towering inferno.

I missed seeing this in the theater and felt like making it up to The Rock with a little Movies-a-Go-Go action. So here are my thoughts as I watched this movie that reminded me of a whole bunch of other movies while simultaneously making me wonder what I was doing with my life.

Just had a conversation with my son about The Rock after I told him what I was watching. He said, “Oh, so you’re excited? You like The Rock.” And I do, but I’m not sure if I like any of his movies that aren’t Fast and the Furious movies. He’s just never quite as ridiculous as I want him to be. Hopefully, this Die Hard rip-off will give me some ridiculous Rock action!

The Rock nearly died in the first 5 minutes of the movie, and all I can think about is how fast the elevators would have to be with the titular building.

This giant skyscraper has as many balls as Hitler. Rim shot!

We're five minutes into a Movies-a-Go-Go, and I've already mentioned Hitler. What is wrong with me?

“You OK?”
“Yeah, just some leg stuff.”
Leg stuff?

Without that leg, The Rock’s still got about twice as much leg as I’ve got.

It didn’t take me very long to use the word “titular” in this write-up, did it?

Was that butt slap improvised? I’m going to assume it was because it somehow makes the world seem like a better place.

Daddy’s got to go to work, kids. (This is a reference to the greatest scene in the history of cinema in case you don’t know.)

I just met The Rock’s friend here and spent about 2 minutes in a futuristic elevator with him, but I’m assuming he’s going to be working with the bad guys. He's sketchy.

Navel surgeon? She only operates on belly buttons? I didn’t know that was a thing. [Note: I'm aware that none of this makes sense to anybody who isn't watching the movie with me. I apologize if you've gotten this far.]

Oh, no. That weird-looking dude (kind of looks like John F. from They Might Be Giants) is obviously the bad guy. There are all kinds of skyscraper moles in this thing.

What is going on with these high-tech mirrors in the building's ball? This guy wanted to have the highest-elevated funhouse in the world?

This is totally going to end like Enter the Dragon or The Lady of Shanghai, isn’t it? A final battle in a funhouse?

He hasn’t touched a gun in ten years? So he hasn’t put suntan lotion on his biceps?

This character development on the boat is excruciating. Let’s see some punching and/or explosions!

If I had a nickel for every time I ate a weird candy and missed pandas because I was throwing up, I wouldn't have nearly enough to buy a bitchin' souvenir panda hat like The Rock's son is sporting.

I hope this panda hat survives the movie.

The Rock’s daughter is apparently a feminist.

Ben is doing too much talking here. It's like he thinks he's a Batman villain.

The Rock’s having a difficult time in a fight with this Ben fellow...this doesn’t bode well.

Ripping off The Rock’s leg is pretty low. At least it wasn't his good leg, I guess.

“Light a man’s house on fire, and you find out what he truly loves.” You can tell the burly villain guy’s been planning that one a long time.

I hope the pandas are going to be ok. I guess that's just as important as the panda hat being ok.

I just saw an Asian Allen Ginsberg fleeing the building.

I’m either confused about what’s going on or I’ve lost interest in what’s going on. It’s hard to tell with a movie like this.

Who do you think would win in a fight? The Rock’s severed leg or a normal human being?

I need to turn this up. I think The Rock just told his wife to meet him in a Cinnabon.

The weird-looking guy is as clueless as me, so I was wrong about him being a bad guy.

I wonder if there are other movies where The Rock has responded with “Whoa whoa whoa whoa!” after guns have been pointed at him. It’s happened twice in this one already.

I suppose if anybody ever pulls a gun on me, I'll just raise up my giant biceps and start saying, "Whoa whoa whoa whoa!" and see how it goes.

This mean lady doesn’t like when people talk about how smart they are, I guess.

The Rock’s climbing a big crane, and it seems like they might be ripping off King Kong now. This movie doesn’t have a lot of original ideas.

I can’t even do monkey bars when they’re 7 feet off the ground. I can’t imagine being this high up and depending on the strength of my fingers.

What did the building’s owner just hold up that the bad guy wants? It appeared to be an odd-shaped dildo, but I doubt that's right.

With the weight of a second leg, he probably wouldn’t have made that jump.

Note: I'm not sure how much difference there is in weight between a normal human leg and a fake leg. I imagine it would have to be about the same, right?

I might have been more excited during that big jump-from-the-crane sequence if I hadn’t already seen it in the preview.

Fire can only make a park in a skyscraper more fun, right? Lighten up, children!

Ok, so I was right about that weird-looking guy after all. He is bad news.

“If you can’t fix it with duct tape, then you aren’t using enough duct tape.” Tim Allen wrote this screenplay?

I could have watched The Rock pull shards of glass out of himself in front of that pretty backdrop for a little longer.

“Are you okay?” Umm...look around, Rock. Everything’s on fire! 

I guess there was no time for a “How the hell did you get here?”

If this little girl was really The Rock’s daughter, she would have headbutted these guys, taken their guns, and thrown them into the inferno below. The fact that she’s running around screaming “Daddy!” makes this pretty unbelievable.

I had to pause here because the generic action had become a little too intense. I'm getting some tea.

This is no time for TV, The Rock!

More duct tape?

“This is stupid.” Aww, come on, buddy. It’s not that bad!

Ok, after that whole sequence where he was trying to get a door open, I have to agree with him. This is stupid.

“Got any duct tape?” This really has been a movie more about duct tape than a skyscraper.

And here’s that funhouse sequence that we all knew was coming.

If the line “My ball’s on fire!” isn’t in here somewhere, I’m going to be really disappointed.

Uh oh. This is setting things up for a cat fight!

A cat fight with biting! That was pretty hot.

Ummmm…I can understand how a bunch of mirrors can trick you into thinking somebody is not where you think they are. But can they trick you into thinking you’re hearing a sound from somewhere else?

If anybody actually read this before seeing the movie, would any of this even be considered spoiler material? I mean, anybody who has seen a movie is likely going to be able to figure out where everything ends up in this one, right?

A sprinkler system? I was kind of hoping the fire would be put out with those pandas.

I’m starting to wonder if this building’s even got pandas! Give me a CGI panda or two, Skyscraper!

Speaking of pandas, what do you think happened to the son’s ugly panda hat? It seemed like the sort of thing that could be fireproof.

Yeah, laugh it up, lady. You have no idea if your husband and daughter are even alive.

I’m really hoping they put the building back together using nothing more than duct tape.

That's it. I really lost steam with this one.