Parkland


2013 piece of shit

Rating: 5/20 (Jen: didn't make it)

Plot: Dallas, November 22, 1963--Kennedy's shot by Oswald and Oswald alone. This is the dramatic retelling of what happened after that with Abraham Zapruder who shot perhaps the most famous home video footage ever shot, Oswald's family members, the doctors and nurses at the titular hospital where both Kennedy and Oswald [Spoiler alert!] died, and the entire nation.

I don't know. It still seems a little too early for a movie poking fun at the Kennedy assassination. It's still something that's fresh on a lot of people's minds and a tragic time in American history, one of those sacred cows that might never feel appropriate as parody fodder. As people sometimes say, it's just too soon.

Wait a second. Say that again. This isn't supposed to be a parody? This was an honest effort by writer/director Peter Landesman to make a serious film about the Kennedy assassination? You're kidding me. Seriously? But Zac Efron stars in the thing. And he plays a doctor. Let me consult Wikipedia. Nope, you're right. It's a dramatic thriller and a serious attempt to tell the story of what happened after Kennedy was assassinated. Well, that's about the most unfortunate thing I've ever heard.

I went into this expecting a hidden gem. I didn't hear anything about it last year, and as a guy who's had an interest in the assassination and the various characters involved, I expected this to be pretty good. I mean, it has Billy Bob Thornton and Paul Giamatti in it. They wouldn't be in a bad movie about the Kennedy assassination, would they? Why, yes, they would. In fact, Paul Giamatti is at the center of a scene which might define this experience for me. The J.F.K. assassination isn't shown, at least not while it's happening. You do get to see the Zapruder film, the popular snuff film that it is, a few times. But at the moment when the murder takes place, we just watch Zapruder's face as he's capturing it all on film. And that's kind of a cool move actually, probably the only cool move in the entire movie. Unfortunately, Giamatti starts saying, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" like somebody making fun of Paul Giamatti would if they had gone camping with Paul Giamatti and seen him overreacting to seeing a spider. And I started laughing. That's right--it was a genuine laugh-out-loud moment which is one more laugh than R.I.P.D. and Ghostbuster 2, the two comedy films that I watched around Parkland, got, and it came precisely at the moment that nobody should even think about laughing. It's possible this is more of a reflection on my character than on anything that Landesman or Giamatti were doing. The rest of this 93 minute fiasco? Landesman's fault! The awkward face close-ups;  the awkward writing and attempts to stuff this artificial emotion into the proceedings (the guy who tells Zapruder, "Looks like a good life"? Come on, people!); numerous shots of Jacqueline Kennedy, each one feeling tackier than the last; faux-dramatic shots, shaky cam overuse, and poor editing that really should have made this a direct-to-video release. And by "video," I actually mean that this should have only been released in 8MM format that needs to be shown with a projector like the one used to show Zapruder's film in this movie. Direct-to-8MM then. I really had trouble, when Zac Efron was running around with his scruffy face and insisting that they leave Kennedy's pants on, figuring out if Landesman was trying to make an episode of ER or a parody, but it really looked like something an elementary school could have put together if you gave the kiddos enough money. Efron's appearance in this makes as much sense as the "magic bullet" theory, and Billy Bob Thornton, who is probably perfectly cast, is terrible as Forrest Sorrels. "We need stretchers!" And his freak-out when watching the Zapruder film and yelling at another guy for saying something I didn't hear because I was bored and my head was going back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left as I struggled to stay awake? Well, it's not one of Billy Bob's finer moments. The worst performance might be Rory Cochrane as Earl the medical examiner. I think I like the idea of giving us a glimpse at what the Oswald family went through in the days following the assassination, but somebody in that family needs to sue the makers of this for slandering their good family name. First, they say that Lee Harvey Oswald is some kind of murderer. Even worse, they turn him into a cliche. There's a scene where he's talking to his brother in prison and they do that touching-hands-on-the-glass thing that you see in way too many movies. I'm sure that's happened before, but I don't think it happens with the frequency that it happens in movies, and I can almost guarantee nobody did that in 1963. And Oswald's mother? What the fuck is going on there? Jacki Weaver's crazy eyes are brought in to make Oswald's mommy seem like the Queen of Crazy Town, sort of a cross between Rosanne Barr and an electrified orangutan. It's daffy, another performance that could convince a person that this is not a serious production at all.

Parkland really could have been something in the hands of other people. Take a scene where they are trying to find tools to remove seats from the plane because "we're not putting him below like a piece of luggage!" Those are little details that an assassination buff might find interesting and want to see in a movie. In the hands of this first-time director, however, it's a mess, a scene with silly suspense (Will they find the tools in time!?) and weird sound that is so obviously not coming from anybody or anything in the scene. Even at that stage in the movie, I kept expecting a black comedy routine where they drop the casket and Kennedy's body rolls out. The funny thing is that a scene like that actually would have improved the movie.

This is a movie that puts the "ass" in assassination and is by far the worst thing to ever happen to a member of the Kennedy family. A total embarrassment and failure, this is an attempt to take human tragedy, one of the darkest moments in recent American history, and turn it into something artistic while completely missing anything resembling actual human emotion or anything even halfway interesting. Gory, exploitative, and tacky, this movie is just wrong on so many levels that it almost makes you start formulating your own conspiracy theory. During one scene, a character says, "What a shitty place to die." Well, this is a shitty movie to die in, and Kennedy, and really all of America, deserves a lot better.

R.I.P.D.


2013 action horror comedy thing

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Cop Ryan Reynolds is shot and killed by his partner, a gaunt Kevin Bacon. He's whisked away to a purgatory where he joins the titular undead police department who protect the world from the deceased busting back in and wreaking havoc. He and his new partner, an Old West sheriff dude, uncover a sinister plot and have to put a stop to it.

I'm starting to wonder if "Let's Get It On" has surpassed "Across the Sea" as the most overused song in movies. I think I'm going to start deducting a point from movies every time I hear either of those songs. It's just turned into an unendurable cliche. This movie, surprisingly since there's a lot of creative energy behind the story and the visuals, feels so unoriginal and dull, and it's almost unforgivable that this thing didn't excite me, make me laugh, or really make me feel anything at all. It's the least fun I can remember having watching a movie that, on paper at least, should have been tons of fun. It's got so much going for it, including a solid cast. I can't imagine why Jeff Bridges feels the need to make a movie like this although I reckon it's because he was still in character after playing John Wayne and just decided to roll with it. Some of his old-school wild West rhetoric clashing with the personality of his more-contemporary new partner, a boring Ryan Reynolds, is almost funny. Almost. I did like the way all these lawmen from different eras were brought together, an idea that should have been explored a lot more. It's weird seeing Kevin Bacon in a movie this bad, too. You'd think he also would have better things to do with his time. Mary-Louise Parker? Gosh, I just love her, but she's not right for this role at all. It's sad that Robert Knepper's career didn't take off more after the great work he did on Prison Break; he's in this, very briefly. And the great James Hong is underutilized as Ryan Reynolds' "avatar" or whatever. There was potential for that avatar thing to be clever or funny or something, but it was yet another half-baked idea in a movie that turns into a stupid cartoon filled with comic book zooms and violence. Here's my biggest problem with movies that are 90% special effects--if you don't have the ability to not make it all look like a cartoon, you should just not make it. Watch Ryan Reynolds fall in this. Or that drooling fat monster at the precinct. Or any of the sci-fi action in this that just makes you wish you were watching something that you could buy halfway, like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Or at least something that, even if it would never succeed in convincing somebody that it was real, still manages to look like something a human being took the time to create, like Harryhausen's monsters. Do I sound old here? Because honestly, I really don't care if I do. R.I.P.D. turned me all curmudgeonly. Another idea that I kind of liked: the idea that everything just freezes the moment you die. That's a neat idea, sort of poetic if you think about it, but here it just looked really stupid, like the concept artist went a little too nutsy during the planning stages. Maybe that's the main problem with this whole thing--it's just all too nutsy. I don't know how much time they spent designing the sort-of cool-looking monsters or choreographing the often-dumb action sequences, but more definitely needed to be spent with stuff that matters. You know, like character development, dialogue, and plot.

And one more gripe. "What with the Steely Dan?" Like you ever need an excuse for Steely Dan, Ryan Reynolds! Come on!

Should I have watched this in 3-D?

Oliver Twist


1948 version of the Charles Dickens book

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The titular orphan drifts from home to home to no-home, befriending pickpockets and wealthy guys and trying his best to control his uncouth ears.

Bonus points for Alec Guinness's ridiculous nose. It gave me an idea for a full-length animated movie that I might have to pitch to the Pixar people. Dig it: the tale of the prosthetic schnoz as it drifts from film role to film role, struggles with being used to perpetuate a heinous stereotype, finds itself homeless and forgotten in the darkest parts of London, and eventually makes its comeback in some profound and unexpected way. It'll be an Oliver Twistian story or at least the kind of shit that Dickens would have written if Dickens would have written about prosthetic noses. Guinness sounds ridiculous, too, but I like what he does with his eyes behind the layers of make-up and fake body parts. I liked other performances, too--Robert Newton as the despicable Bill Sykes, portly Francis L. Sullivan as the portly Mr. Bumble. The kid, John Howard Davies, is pretty good as well although that's mostly because he stays quiet most of the time. I love this most when the dialogue's sparse to nonexistent. Following the Cineguild gong, the sexiest of logo screens, there's not much dialogue in the early going, just gorgeous and moody storm imagery. Oliver Twist cries lustily, and there are scenes with straw drawing, symbolic hooks, orphans watching people gorging, swinging switches. It's calculated moodiness, and Lean's got such an eye for showing his characters at unexpected angles and with unexpected items in the foreground. And all that imagery somehow makes something like "Please, sir, I want some more" more poignant. The sets are really cool, and there's something claustrophobic about a lot of it, like the oily black and white backgrounds are threatening to swallow up the characters at any time. They perfectly fit with a story that is 95% gloomy downer.

Bad Movie Club: Star Odyssey


1979 attempt to capitalize on the success of Star Wars

Rating: 3/20 (Johnny: 0/20; Fred: 0/20; Libby: 0/20; Josh: 0/20; Jeremy: unable to finish)

Plot: None of us really knew what was happening.

Check out these ingredients: a hodgepodge of freaky-deaky alien lifeforms at some sort of planetary auction, a robot made out of a trashcan and some buttons, android henchmen with Dutch Boy haircuts who reminded me a little of Oompa Loompas, two duck-billed robots--one with eyebrows--who are both suicidal and in love, a variety of cardboard sets, a guy with a terrible mustache and an even worse sense of personal boundaries, strange eye hypnotism tricks, lizard-faced scaly bad guys, some outer space star fightin' action that is almost lighted well enough to actually see, some proto-electronic "jaunty sci-fi" music, lightsabers, a hero who did about as many flips as that guy in Gymkata. Those are the ingredients for a good bad movie and a solid 100 minutes of fun, right? Not so fast there, star fighter. My friends and I decided to watch a Star Wars rip-off for May 4th and got pumped up, even going so far as to pick our own Star Wars names--Han SoulBro, Luke Thighwalker, Obi Won Come Bone Me, Jabba the Slut, Sleezo, Boba Fetish, Admiral Jackbar, R2Deeznuts, Spewbacca, Loada, Handjob Calrissian, all which showed that we have the mental age of a bunch of ten-year-olds. Our excitement quickly waned after just a few minutes of this Italian disasterpiece, one of us couldn't finish, and one of us became as suicidal as the duck-billed robots.

Fred: "Is anyone else's picture really dark?" (This was part of the problem. Most of the action in this was hard to see. Of course, the parts we could see were things that nobody would really want to see, so maybe it was a blessing in disguise.)
Josh: "Can someone turn the fucking light on!?!?!" (See?)
Jeremy: "In the future, only the color blue survived." (So when it wasn't completely dark, it was murky blue.)
Josh: "Kick ass Jedi name: Hollywood." (See, the ingredients are there. This should have been a classic good bad movie.)
Fred: "Black and white stock footage? Seriously people?" (Ahh, yes. There was apparently an attack on Earth in this, and that part did consist of black and white stock footage. It didn't match the murky blue at all!)
Jeremy: "Jeez, this thing is only 10 minutes in." (First sign that poor Jeremy was not going to make it. Each 10 minutes did seem like about an hour though.)
Me: "Sorry for the use of an offensive word." (It was when I speculated on the garbage can robot's name, a play on R2D2. You can figure out the word for yourself.)
Fred: "Skype is so far the highest technology this movie seems to have."
Libby: "Why does every movie we watch feel like a porn is going to break out at any moment?" (I think this might have just been wishful thinking on Libby's part. It did sort of have a vibe though.)
Me: "Star Odyssey: A film that Jar Jar Binks' appearance could actually improve."
Josh: "Gambling blows in the future." (There were two scenes in a gambling facility of some kind. They were out of order which confused us all greatly. Turns out that reels were in the wrong place. It barely mattered!)
Johnny: "Jimmy Caan is rocking a bitching bedazzled Spider-man sweater."
Jeremy: "I have had enough." (And there went Jeremy.)
Me: "The guy boxing the robot is named Norman?" (Oh, this reminds me that there was a scene, also disjointed for reasons unknown to us, featuring a guy boxing a robot. How was this movie not fun?)
Fred: "Wtf are we watching." (Because that about sums up our experience.)
Me: "Poor Hiroshima...being mentioned in this movie is the worst thing that's ever happened to that city."
Johnny: "I think these robots should give suicide another shot."
Me: "Wait a second...are you guys watching the rest of this without pants?" (I don't know.)

Trust me--these random snippets of our conversation make just as much sense as this movie. Damn the Italians!

Wrong Cops

2013 absurdist comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: One cop tries to hide a pornographic past. One cop has accidentally shot a man and wants to get rid of the victim. One cop is working his magic to try to see a woman's breasts. One cop, a cyclops, is working on starting a career in music. They're wrong cops!

According to the Wikipedia synopsis of this movie, this takes place "in the not very distant future, where crime has been completely eradicated" which I must confess is something that I missed completely. I mean, just having Marilyn Manson in a movie has to be considered a crime in some places, right? This is a Quentin Dupieux joint, and this guy makes movies for a very limited audience. Very limited. I just happen to be part of that audience, I guess. I don't think I'd ever call any of these movies--Wrong, Rubber, this one--great, but they make me laugh, and there's something different enough about them that makes them refreshing. Eric Wareheim plays one of the titular cops, and if you're into the Tim and Eric stuff, you might have a head start in liking something like this. It's arguably not that different in tone or scope than any of those seemingly infinite and infinitely abysmal parody movies. But I'm going to pretend it's a more intellectual exercise and that Quentin Dupieux is Dadaistically partying like it's 1919 or the reincarnation of Samuel Beckett digging up some exquisite corpses to see if he can make them giggle. It makes me feel less guilty about enjoying the movies. The credits roll, and you see that Marilyn Manson and Eric Roberts are both in this, and you start to squirm in your pants a little. And then David Lynch regulars Ray Wise and Grace Zabriskie? Oh, man, you gotta hold on tight for this one. Eric Roberts--seriously, if you want a good laugh, check out Eric Roberts' imdb page and count how many movies he's making appearances in for 2014 and 2015--gets to say, "It's a numerical movie. There won't be any stars," a line that forced me to pause the movie just to have some quiet time to figure out if it made any sense. I decided that it either didn't or that I just didn't get it. He's wearing an awesome fringe jacket, and I'm pretty sure he's at least half as stoned in this as he was when recording the voice of the talking cat in A Talking Cat?!? Marilyn Manson, for some reason, looks like the corpse of a 15 year old in this movie. This guy hasn't aged much since he was in The Wonder Years, has he? See, I know some of you are hip enough to actually get that joke. Like Dupieux's other movies, this has a lot of electronic music. The opening credit music is really good. It's all Dupieux as his alter-ego Mr. Oizo, and it adds some charm to the whole thing. There's also a lot of references to music in the movie's plot. The sexy Mark Burnham listens to music during several scenes, and Eric Judor, a character with an eyepatch and an oddly-shaped head that makes him look like a guy who could have fit right in as a character on Jabba's barge, tries to make music ("That song is shit in a can."), so I guess you could say there's something about music going on here although I wouldn't want to think too much about it on the chance that I'd just end up disappointed. A first scene with a dead rat and an explanation that it is more discrete, random freeze frames, a suicide attempt involving a character fully clothed in a filled bathtub and holding a gun, a Wareheim freakout where he kicks a phone and screams, "Motherfucking bitch!" in the most wonderful of ways, my favorite montage of the year involving the cops digging and splurging and engaging in their obsessions and hitchhiking and hurling fish, the punchline of a character's obsessive digging, and the overly silly slab of black comedy during a funeral scene made this all a lot of fun. Well, if you're an oddball like me. Comedy for oddballs. That's what Dupieux makes. And I love him for it!

Blue Jasmine


2013 Woody Allen movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The titular woman moves across the country to San Francisco to stay with her sister while trying to put her life back together after things don't work out all that well with her rich husband Alec Baldwin.

Why does Alec Baldwin take roles like this, by the way? People don't really like Alec Baldwin, do they? And then he takes on these characters that are completely impossible to like? Don't get me wrong; he's really believable as "unlikable guy" in everything, and he's fine here, too, even though he feels more like a prop. I also like Andrew Dice Clay although I thought he was dead for some reason, Louis C.K. although there's something out of place about him saying lines that other people have written for him to say, Peter Sarsgaard but only because he's got so many A's in his last name, and Bobby Cannavale although watching a guy like Bobby Cannavale right after watching Al Pacino in Dog's Day Afternoon makes Bobby Cannavale seem like total crap. But that's not his fault, and it's not Woody Allen's fault. Speaking of Woody Allen, I may have given this movie a bonus point just because I side with him in this whole child molestation thing. Not that I'm for child molestation or anything because I'm most definitely not. I just don't think the person who made Annie Hall could do something like that. Plus, Mia Farrow just looks kind of crazy and didn't, as far as I know make anything nearly as good as Annie Hall. I don't know if that's the kind of logic that a jury would be swayed by, but it's what I think. Back to Cannavale--his character Chili is probably the most likable character in the movie although he's got his flaws, too. No, I take that back. Max Casella, sort of a poor man's Joe Pesci, is likable as Chili's pal Eddie, a guy with a mustache. I didn't really think I was liking this movie at all, and it was even making me not like Frances Ha, a movie with an arguably similar character, as much. But it's good to see Cate Blanchett in something where her ears look somewhat normal, and her performance, one where she displays a very wide range of emotions in very subtle and realistic ways, draws you in. I also thought the flashback-ridden structure of this was a little gimmicky, but eventually I realized the story needs to be told in pieces like that since the central character is trying to put the pieces of her life back together. The end of this might be a little frustrating for some people, but I liked it.

Dog Day Afternoon


1975 crime drama

Rating: 19/20

Plot: Based on a true story, this is about a guy with terrible hair trying to rob a bank with the help of two other guys with terrible hair. One accomplice drops out, and Sonny and Sal wind up stuck in the bank with a handful of hostages while an army of policeman and a circus of media people collect outside.

This movie contains product placement for Tab.

Here's a question: Why does Sal have an ink pen in his pocket? I know that I ask a lot of questions on the blog and that nobody really takes them seriously, but I'm requiring an answer this time. Watch this movie again, notice Sal's ink pen, and then tell me why it's there.

Every time I see John Cazale, I'm reminded that John Cazale once existed and what a resume the guy put together in his short career. I guess if you're going to act in only five movies in your life, make them The Godfather, The Conversation, The Godfather: Part II, Dog Day Afternoon, and The Deer Hunter. Here, he sadly informs some hostages, "I don't want the cancer." He's so good here, completely overshadowed by everything that Pacino is doing but overshadowed appropriately. He gets his moments, and I'd even argue that he deserves a lifetime achievement award simply for how he answers a question in this with "Wyoming." And you can argue with me on that only if you can tell me why he has an ink pen in his pocket. And that hair! The coiffures of this trio of bank robbers have to be at the top of the list of nominees for a Criminal Hair Hall of Fame if there ever is such a thing. And what can you say about Al Pacino here? I think this is one of the greatest performances ever, just wall-to-wall perfect from that first moment you see him intensely concentrating at the beginning of the movie to the final shot. It's the kind of performance that makes me, just a guy sitting on his couch watching the movie, physically exhausted. Pacino saps your energy as the movie goes, just wears you out watching him. Watch him unleash his gun; he's manic from the get-go which makes every single minute the character's on the screen completely unpredictable. And that's regardless of whether or not you've seen the movie before. Pacino's got so many gesticulations in this movie that mean absolutely nothing, and they're all a bunch of little pieces that add up to one perfect performance. And those eyes! God, those eyes are electrifying! I love this story, every weird little detail. The gritty urban imagery backed by that Elton John track sets it up well, and Lumet's allowing the actors to improvise keeps this natural and just makes it feel so fresh nearly thirty years after it was made. And what prescience! Or have people--the media and the masses of humanity who just want to be part of something--always been like that? This is as gripping, shocking, darkly comic, and intense an experience as it must have been back in 1975 and one of those movies you just want to watch again and again while shotgunning Tabs straight from the bottle.

Philomena


2013 drama

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: 18/20)

Plot: A disgraced journalist looks to get back in the game and decides to put off a book on Russian history in order to take a human interest story. He encounters the titular old broad who is looking for a son who she claims the nuns took away from her and sold to an American couple. The pair journey across the pond (that's the way the English say it) to search for the lost son. Unfortunately, he's not wearing a red-and-white-striped shirt and hat and is not easy to find.

Another best picture nominee based--very loosely, depending on who you listen to--on a true story. It doesn't make nuns look very nice. Or very hot for that matter. Speaking of hot, was I the only person who both expected and wanted a love scene between the two leads here? That's a missed opportunity if there ever was one. Of course, it wouldn't have lost verisimilitude, but does it have it anyway? This feels a little like a biased documentary although it all makes for some good storytelling. I enjoyed the characters. Coogan, who also wrote the screenplay, makes a good foil for Judi Dench who is superb as the kind of dotty but impossible-not-to-love Philomena. Magnanimous and wiser-than-you-think, you just want to root for her to have at least some closure. An actress of Dench's caliber can throw out a flippant line yet manage to reveal years of guilt and regret and sadness beneath all those wrinkles. Yet another old person movie character whom I liked a lot. And I liked how the relationship between Coogan and Dench evolved throughout their journey. The story's touching enough that I don't really care all that much if I'm being manipulated by the whole thing. There's a punch emotionally, but it's a quiet punch, and this movie is easier to swallow because director Stephen Frears and the screenplay allow for divergent tones to mesh. This never quite sinks into melodramatic sludge, and there's plenty of room for levity and humor. The sad parts are subdued, mostly because of how forgiving and at peace Philomena is throughout the whole thing, and you could even be talked into deciding that the ending is a happy one even though the character doesn't exactly get everything she wants. Philomena's story is a story of contemporary injustice that needed to be told, and it's a treat that it was told so well with a very good screenplay and that powerful performance.

Bill Murray Fest: Quick Change

1990 comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Grimm, along with his friend Loomis and love interest Phyllis, concoct a brilliant scheme to rob a bank. They escape the bank easily enough but run into problems trying to get out of New York City.

There's just something funny about Murray as a clown, complete with balloons and an exaggerated smile, threatening dogs, shooting poorly at security cameras, and asking for receipts for customers of the bank he happens to be robbing. And nobody does cynical as well as Bill Murray. Here, he's easily the most likable character in the first act of this comedy. It takes a cynical storyteller to make the guy robbing the bank, especially if he's dressed as a clown considering how many people suffer from coulrophobia, more likable than any of his hostages. And it takes a cynical storyteller to paint New York City like it's painted here, a city of nothing but gristle and oddballs. Other than the airport, these aren't the parts of New York City that are generally advertised. It also takes a cynical storyteller to portray the media as it's portrayed here. There's a little too much daffiness to keep it from being a classic, but it's got a handful of funny scenes after the great set-up and clever heist storyline in the first twenty minutes or so. It's also got a cute Geena Davis and an even cuter Randy Quaid, the classier of the Quaids. You have to look a little more closely, but you can also see a little Phil Hartman, Stanley Tucci, and Tony Shalhoub in there as well. This has some pacing issues and is generally uneven, but it's hard to argue the brilliance of something that features both the line "Up your butt with a coconut" and a scene with bicycle jousting. If this movie had come out between 1982 and 1985, I more than likely would have died during a bicycle jousting incident, by the way. Oh, who am I kidding? I would have been great at that. Somebody would have died though.

Bad Movie Club: BMX Bandits

1983 movie

Rating: 8/20 (Libby: 6/20; Johnny: 9/20; Jeremy: 13/20; Fred: 8/20; Josh: 2/20)

Plot: A trio of BMX riders in Australia find some walkie talkies and are then pursued by some bad guys who want them back. Lots of chasing ensues.

Hey, check it out. It's Nicole Kidman's first movie, and at 16 years old, she's got the shape of a adolescent boy. Was there, as one Bad Movie Clubber suggested, a guy with a beard riding as her stunt double at one point? I can't verify that one. I thought Kidman and the other two titular bandits were pretty good, but it seems that I was alone. Regardless of how good they were, they weren't given anything to say that was as charming or as humorous as the people who wrote this thing thought the lines were, and they weren't really given much of a story to work with. They're given villains, sometimes in pig masks and sometimes saying things like "Ahh, poo!" (no kidding), who are about as inept as those guys from Home Alone. I will say this--the stunt work was really good, and there's not likely to ever be a chase scene that involves kids trailing their bicycles down a water slide as good as this one. And the foamy climax has to be seen to be believed. Believed or ridiculed. The music wasn't horrible, but this is the second week in a row where we had to put up with a sound effects guy who gave it 150%. So many whooshes in this movie. If nothing else, this movie gave us the opportunity to reference the Dirty Sanchez and Cincinnati Bow Tie. And I am impressed that the kids had t-shirts with the movie's title on them. And some great pants with stars down the side of them. Those were pretty sweet.

The Illusionist

1983 Dutch comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Who cares?

Another one of those completely dialogue-free movies that I'll probably enjoy more than you because I already have a head start. This is more avant-slapstick than Tati, Chaplin, or Keaton. It starts with a guy in a riding-on-an-ostrich suit being taunted by harmonica-wielding gravity defiers, and that's all you really need to know. It's unfortunate that this doesn't really go anywhere at all or seem to have anything to say. It's about as deep as your average Will Ferrell movie, and who knows, maybe Freek de Jonge, the guy who wrote this and who plays the titular character, is the Dutch Will Ferrell. It's frequently humorous but not really all that funny, like movies depending on sight gags usually are. There were times when I kind of liked what I was seeing but far more times when I just wanted to like it. I did like the use of sound effects though. Creaking, fly buzzing, water glooping. This is all much better conceptually than it is in execution. Trust me, there are better movies without any dialogue. Maybe if it made a little more sense, it would be something.

Desperate Living

1977 John Waters trash

Rating: n/r (Note: I'm refusing to rate this movie, just like I refuse to rate Pink Flamingos, because I know it bugs my brother.)

Plot: A woman and her obese maid kill the former's husband and have to flee to Mortville, a town made from garbage and ruled by an evil queen.

I don't suppose this trashy fairy tale is going to appeal to that many people. Movies with lines like these generally don't:

"I'd like to stick my whole head in your mouth and let you suck out my eyeballs." (This one provided by an actor named Turkey Joe who plays a cop about as well as you'd expect somebody named Turkey Joe to play a cop. Sadly, this is his only role. He gets to wear women's undergarments and say, "I like the feel of nylon on my big butt.")
"You can like my royal hemorrhoids, you fat pig!"
"I'm so hungry I could eat cancer."
"I'm working hard all day and you're in there fucking midgets."
"Get off me with those semen-stained hands, you big ape."
"It'll be like having a Barbie doll crotch!"

Actually, Barbie Doll Crotch would be a helluva band name.

The movie also has Liz Renay as Muffy St. Jacques. Renay was in The Nasty Rabbit, but she's a lot more naked in this one. And it's a lesson in how you have to be careful what you wish for, I guess. And yes, friends, I did wish for it. I was in a mood. There's a scene where she displays her orgasmic acting chops which has to be one of the worst in movie history. Well, Queen Carlotta, played agonizingly by Edith Massey, also has a magically glorious sex scene. She's hot anyway, a woman who's got almost all of her teeth, but when she exclaims "Oh, look at those balls! Oh, look at that pelt!" before engaging in coitus and screeching "Get it! Get it! Get it!"? It's enough to ruin a person's sex life, I think. Quite a bit of sex in this movie, but it's all the kind of sex Christians warn kids about in their attempts to make it seem like the greatest of sins. There's some lesbian action with Jean Hill--Grizelda--nude except for a pair of Converse All-Stars that will have you thanking God even if you are an atheist. More titillating lesbo action occurs after a character's sex change, and that combines the act with puking and a woman begging to cut the thing off followed by scissors and a dog licking the member. And something called "pecker tracks." Oh, crap. I probably should have preceded all that with a spoiler alert. And how about Wrastlin' Rita's costume, complete with what I believed to be a comical vagina? To me, this seems like Waters was making too much of an effort to shock everybody, and it comes less naturally than Pink Flamingos. It's fairly entertaining, however. What other director is going to start with opening credits over the consumption of what I think was a fried squirrel, throw in another brilliant one-off performance by a guy named Willie Brooks who is selling buys (brilliantly), have Mink Stole screaming every single one of her lines at the top of her lungs and still managing to be a few notches below the intensity of Faye Dunaway's Joan Crawford, include a character named Big Jimmy Dong, and have somebody credited as "Baby in the Refrigerator"? That's Damien Overholser, and the early role was not the start of an acting career at all. There's also some really weird sets, random color and crap that's kind of like a psychedelic Sanford and Son or something. It's much more elaborate than anything in Flamingos with some almost-cool imagery in the shanty town sanitarium of Mortville, a place with no toilets and a place that looks like the type of place with no toilets. Some weird music perfectly accompanies the weirdness of it all. It all does get a little boring, so I had to invent a new game to keep myself entertained, a little game called What Would Be the Worst Way to Die? Here, you can play a round, all with choices I grabbed from Desperate Living:

What would be the worst way to die?
A. Smothered by a large African American woman
B. Fork in the hand
C. Drowning in dog food
D. Having a car window rolled on your neck
E. Bludgeoned and eye-gouged with a heel before being stepped on

You know what to expect going in to an early John Waters' movie. Dog roadkill shots, Nazi references, a Charles Manning painting, some kind of cooked dog, forced roach eating, puking, nude volleyball, implied necrophilia, foaming at the mouth, and a little cannibalistic cherry on the top. For Waters' fans, I'm not sure what else you could ask for. For anybody else? Well, I'd recommend you stay away.

Bill Murray Fest: Meatballs


1979 80's comedy made before the 80's were ready to happen

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A summary in the life of a run-down summer camp.

Thankfully, this movie is neither as raunchy or as stupid as the above poster or the dumb title might suggest. Actually, I don't want to say anything about the title of this because the very best thing about the entire movie is the theme song where somebody sings the titular food item in a deep rhythmic voice. It sounds like Adam Driver's character in Inside Llewyn Davis. I don't think it was Driver though because he wasn't alive in 1979. No, that song was performed by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, a name that makes me smile. Elmer Bernstein, of all people, did the instrumental music for this, and it's fine while the rest of the movie's music is completely crappy. "Are You Ready for the Summer?" is the kind of sing-along shit that could make even the most avid fan of summertime want to end it all by putting a bullet in the brain.

But this isn't about music. This is about Bill Murray, and he fucking hoists this movie on his shoulders and carries the thing. He's got this liveliness, unleashing the Bill Murray and just Bill Murraying all over the place until the screen is almost leaking Bill Murrayness. Goofball shenanigans, a ridiculous wardrobe, numerous, non-sequiturs, and a hilariously deranged pep talk make this whole thing watchable. And I hate to start Bill Murray Fest with borderline blasphemy, but Tripper is the exact kind of player (with the same kind of stupid name) that Sam Rockwell would play today which makes me believe that Sam Rockwell is the new Bill Murray. That might just be the result of seeing this so soon after The Way Way Back which is so obviously inspired by this that it's dangerously close to plagiarism. Think about it. What contemporary actor would even attempt to pull off that yellow shirt, burgundy sports coat, boxers, and cowboy boot combination that Murray rocks in this thing? Nobody! There's a rapport between Murray and the likably-bland Rudy (Chris Makespeace) that reminds me of The Way Way Back, too. Kristine DeBell, one of the stars of A Talking Cat!?!, also plays one of the camp counselors. This is episodic, and a lot of it just feels like a waste of time, but it's one of the more likable entries in the teen camp comedy genre and has such a fun Bill Murray performance that it's almost impossible not to like a little bit.

Oprah Movie Club: Searching for Bobby Fischer


1993 chess movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A sportswriter and his wife discover that their son might be a chess prodigy. Dad does what any good parent would do--spend loads of money to hire a curmudgeonly and socially-awkward coach, bitch at his kid when he doesn't seem to be taking the game seriously, and destroy everything that made the kid fall in love with the game in the first place. Then, they go fishing.

Warning: I will be mentioning the desire to punch prepubescent children in this blog entry. Overly-sensitive readers may want to go read my review of The Little Mermaid or something.

It's tricky business watching a movie based on a true story, especially one that happened fairly recently. See, I know of Bruce Pandolfini, and although I only know of him and don't actually know him, I know enough to know that he's not really anything like Ben Kingsley's Pandolfini in Searching for Bobby Fischer. But Kingsley's performance is strong, very Ben Kingsley-esque, and the character wears ascots and makes the movie and its story more interesting. And then there's the climactic match against the cocky kid who eats nothing but chess and sleeps with chess pieces scotch-taped all over his body, a training method known as Sleeping with Chess Pieces Taped to Your Body that was initially explored but quickly abandoned by Anatoly Karpov in the 70's. In the movie, the two young chess prodigies slam their pieces around as young Waitzkin's time dwindles, just a frenetic finish to a game that involved lost queens and skewers and forks with our little protagonist trick-or-treating his way to an easy endgame victory after his offer of a draw was declined. The reality? Well, they did actually draw, and Waitzkin won the tournament on tie-breaker points. But see, that's not nearly as exciting, is it? So what do you do with all that? Do you enjoy the movie as a movie, one where you really do get emotionally attached to its characters and root for the protagonist even though you're not sure you want the father to get anything he wants? Or do you watch with a more cynical eye, wondering if you should no longer excuse Hollywood's tendency to taint its tales and stop trusting humanity in general. Or is there a compromise?

This feels like a CliffsNotes version of the story anyway, at least for me--a guy who played chess obsessively and had lots of tournament experience in high school but now who still has a fondness for the game but barely even plays casually. Sidenote: I only have one chess opponent who either beats me in online games or forgets to play and loses on time, and that guy is actually in this movie. R.D. Reid plays one of the tournament directors in this, and he's the only friend I have who will actually play me. I suppose it could be a different guy named R.D. Reid since the R.D. Reid looks nothing like the one I know, but Hollywood has fantastic make-up people. So who knows? If you're reading this, Rubber Duck, how old were you when this came out?

But I digress. CliffsNotes version. I would have liked the father/son thing to build a little more gracefully than it does here. I almost never want movies to be longer than they are and even sort of get mad at movies when they are longer than 100 minutes, but this one could have been a little longer. Dad's jerkiness is not really even suggested, and then it comes so unexpectedly during a discussion with Josh's teacher--Laura Linney in her third movie and second where she plays a teacher--and then again after Josh loses to a patzer in the first round of a tournament in only seven moves and is yelled at in the pouring rain. It was a little hard to buy that the dad had a dickwad switch in his brain that was so easy to turn on, and it made it even more difficult to forgive the guy by the end of the movie even after it's revealed that he took his kid fishing. Here are some other things that I had trouble buying in this movie:

1) A scene during Josh's first tournament where a couple parents start brawling which results in all of them being locked in a cage. The brawling I almost believe. The forcing into a cage with a little kid running back and forth to let the parents know who is winning the big championship game? Not so much. Oh, and when the kids started clapping after their parents were removed? That's just silliness.

2) A very silly bit of dialogue where Josh first expresses doubt. The dialogue's no good there, and it's one of the few scenes where Max Pomeranc, the kid who's playing Josh, doesn't act very well. It was a scene that should have meant something but just felt undercooked.

3) The scene where Josh's opponent comes out very soon after the first round has started and looks all sad and is quickly comforted by his mother before it's revealed that he actually won? Come on, Hollywood. None of us are that stupid.

4) The oversized chairs the kids are forced to play in. You're having a chess tournament for elementary-aged children, and you're not going to find furniture designed for them? Sure, it visually shows these young players as a little more fragile than their parents think they are which works well with the theme, but it doesn't look all that realistic. In fact, it looks comical.

5) A moment during the final chess game where Pandolfini and Waitzkin seem to communicate telepathically which I'm sure is against tournament rules but probably hard to catch. That's silly, but at least it's not both silly and icky like when Josh whispers (telepathically) an "I'm sorry, Dad," a line that everybody involved in the film--even the children who don't really know much about anything--should have objected to. Icky.

So there's movie myth-making, and it's sometimes clumsy. But you know what? The good stuff outweighs all that. First, there's the cast which is really good from top to bottom. I like the auxiliary characters in this which help add an authentic color to the smoky chess club rooms or the scenes in Washington Park. I really liked the character played by Austin Pendleton--Asa Hoffman, a real chess player who apparently refused to be in the movie after he saw the script and how he was being portrayed. I've played with more than a few twitchy, borderline-neurotic chess dudes and just recognized that character as a composite of old guys I used to play with at the Terre Haute Adult Chess Club in a roach-infested basement back when I was a kid. I also liked the rantings of Steve Randazzo as the "Man of Many Signals," one of the parents responsible for the parents being locked in a cage. I wonder if Randazzo was supposed to have an even smaller, less-noticeable role but impressed the director with his ranting abilities. William H. Macy's shows off his glaring abilities, Tony Shalhoub is offered M&M's in one of the three scenes that made me want to see a scene where an adult punches Josh Waitzkin, and shane-movies favorite Dan Hedaya plays another tournament director. Oh, and the recognizable David Paymer is good as a sort-of foil for Joe Mantegna's father. Mantegna isn't bad either. Kingsley's great in that ascot, but my favorite character was probably Laurence Fishburne's as the street-smart chess hustler Vinnie who mentors the kid. Man, how great would it be to see Fishburne playing this character and playing a five-minute game with Samuel L. Jackson's character from Fresh?

The kids were all really good, too, and that's good because bad child actors would have completely ruined this movie. This was Michael Nirenberg's only movie. He played the big rival who glares even better than Macy does in this movie. The Poe character is a complete prick, and I wanted an adult to punch him even more than I wanted an adult to punch that smug expression right off of Waitzkin's face. "Trick or treat?" What the hell kind of trash talk was that? With very few spoken words, the little punk manages to make you want to see somebody beat him, either in a chess game or with a sock full of pawns, so you've got to say Nirenberg's effective. Of course, this is Hollywood myth-making, and Josh's real opponent was apparently nothing like Poe. He was younger, for one. I guess they really needed a villain in the movie, but I think I would have been happy with "parents" as the villain.

I was shocked to learn that Nirenberg died when he was only twelve, by the way. But then I noticed that the lone message board post on imdb, a person claiming to be his mother, said he wasn't dead. Reading through that thread, it seems that the erroneous information was corrected and then he died again and then somebody claiming to be his brother said he was alive and well and working as a chef and then he died again. Somebody needs to make a movie about somebody trying to kill Michael Nirenberg, at least virtually. Ben Kingsley would be perfect as the instigator of the hoax.

I was impressed, for the most part, with Max Pomeranc as Josh. He didn't have much of a career, but he's good here. It's obvious that he knows the game, something I think is so important for a movie featuring so much chess, and he's got these expressive eyes. The movie doesn't really demand much emotion from the kid, but the emotions are completely understood anyway, more subtly, and that works really well. I'm not sure how much Pomeranc was coached or if he was doing something very natural to him, but I really liked the slight differences in his facial expressions and posture when he was playing games in the park and playing games with Kingsley or in the tournaments. That was a great touch.

Another great touch, and my favorite thing about the movie--there's a guy on a unicycle wearing a suit made out of cans. I'd like a movie made about that guy, too. Ben Kingsley can play the villain in that movie, a preacher who keeps trying to tell people that the unicycle can guy is the Antichrist.

No, here's another great touch which is a little more serious. During the scene where Josh and his dad play a second game, one where Josh actually tries but keeps leaving to do other things, there's some nifty visual symbolism. On Josh's side of the board, where Josh currently isn't even sitting as he calls out his moves from the bathtub, is a stuffed Godzilla toy. In front of his father? A toy cash register. Ka-ching! That was pretty neat foreshadowing or symbolism or whatever you want to call it.

I'm not sure whether the chess in this was valid or not because there wasn't a lot that was shown. The moves were all legal anyway. I did see Poe move with one hand and hit his clock with the opposite hand which is a big tournament no-no. And the big climactic moment with the quick series of moves? It all makes sense, but Poe's smugness after he gets his queen does not make sense because even the most casual of chess players would have been able to see what was coming there. Surely, a kid who practiced the Sleeping with Chess Pieces Taped to Your Body training method would have seen that coming and just resigned. We also didn't get enough of that final game to know if Fishburne's "He's setting him up!" was right or not. The game just looked really sloppy to me, and that's a real problem for what was supposed to be a clash between a couple young titans. But who cares, right? Nobody actually cares about chess that much. Well, other than me. I do love watching this much chess in movies. Like with Fresh, I loved watching the chess in the park (something I'd love to do if I could afford to lose a bunch of money) with the trash talk and other banter and the sound of the pieces hitting the board and the slamming of the clock buttons. I loved watching chess in the rain, too. I didn't need all that terrible big movie music to accompany it though.

Oh, and just like with Fresh, there's a scene here where "check" is made into a much bigger deal than it actually is. The smugness on Josh's face during that scene where his mother's paid five bucks to play a smelly old man who allegedly beat Tal in the fifties was the first time I wanted to see an adult punch the kid.

Bobby Fischer didn't like this movie or the way his name was used which makes me want to give it a bonus point. I liked how his story was intertwined with Waitzkin's story, and I think I like little kid narrators. Fischer represents what little Josh could become, I guess, even though Fischer's definitely the extreme. A lot of footage used for this was also used in that Bobby Fischer Against the World documentary, another movie with Fischer's name that Fischer probably wouldn't have liked. I also like what this movie says about parents living vicariously through their children or sometimes pushing them to limits they shouldn't be pushed toward and the exploration of what it takes and what it takes from you to be really really good at something like chess. Kingsley's advice that you have to have contempt, that you have to hate your opponent, and how that clashed with the actual personality of the Waitzkin character and everything his mother loved about him was also telling. When this movie first came out, I didn't like the title much. I thought the movie bludgeoned the viewer with Bobby Fischer. I've changed my mind about the title, however. The adults in the movie, especially the chess fiends, are looking for the second coming of the titular chess wizard because it would be awesome if somebody as interesting and as brilliant as Fischer would come along again. But knowing what we know about Fischer, you really doubt that searching for another one is a good thing at all. This movie's story almost feels like a narrow escape for Josh Waitzkin.

Pan's Labyrinth


2006 adult fairy tale

Rating: 17/20

Plot: A girl's mother marries a cruel army captain in 1940's Spain. The girl's recruited by a fawn to accomplish three tasks while the chaos and revolution in the everyday world overwhelms.

I don't completely understand this movie and doubt I ever will. In a way, it's as simple as a fairy tale except nobody at all lives happily ever after and it's a once-upon-a-time that you wish never existed. I feel like I'm missing too much historical or cultural context to fully digest everything here, something that makes it feel a little less universal than other fairy tales. I did pick up a little more this time around though. It's such a dark movie, and del Toro, who really was allowed to let his imagination go nutsy with this, doesn't hide gruesome details. My wife accidentally saw two scenes while she was in the room doing other things, and both of them--one perhaps the most famous image from the film and the other involving a cheek--made her recoil in horror. But that's what a good adult fairy tale should do, right? As gruesome and bleak as this gets, it's unquestionably beautiful. The special effects, a few digitally-created creatures but a lot of practical special effects with some puppetry, blend with the reality flawlessly. And check out what's going on with the color here. Different tones are used for the fantastical worlds and the harshness of the real world. It's effective and making a distinction between reality and fantasy although both more than likely exist in the world created by del Toro. Just beautiful colors though, and there's also such a clarity or a sharpness with everything you see. It makes the monsters in the more fantastical parts of the story more real, the step-father villain more villainous. And I think del Toro's doing something pretty brilliant by including parallel imagery that connects the two worlds. I know there are secret doors, and there was one more I identified that I can't think of right now. It's the kind of thing that helps this reward subsequent viewings. Of course, things are thematically linked between the fairy tale part of the story with its palm-eyed monsters, fairies, regurgitating toads, and fawns and the brutal Fascist reality with its cruel violence. There are lies in both, characters suffering because of naivete, bad guys, despair in the shadows of heroism or maybe vice versa. This is sometimes really hard to watch despite the beautiful and imaginative imagery, but you've got to give del Toro credit for showing us things in the mid-aughts that we haven't seen before and for his balls for framing his story with shots of the young protagonist dying from a bullet wound to the stomach. Oh, and how about that little girl? Ivana Baquero is really good. Sergi Lopez's Captain Vidal character was so nastily written, the kind of villain that even a guy like me who often roots for villains could never side with, and he portrays the guy without bombast, quietly hostile and the perfect amount of ambiguity. This isn't a fun movie at all, but it's gorgeous and leaves you feeling exactly what an adult fairy tale should make you feel.