Special Feature: The Ten Greatest Imaginary Friends in Film

I was perusing another blog--a defunct blog, it seems--and the guy was doing a top-ten list of some kind every Tuesday. I like the idea and will now steal it. Except I'm not doing one every Tuesday. In fact, I might just do one and then forget about it.

Suggested by Josh and probably inspired by my relationship with an imaginary friend named Chauncey Decoupage, here are the top ten imaginary friends in movies. Whether or not some of these are truly imaginary could be argued, and you should feel free to make that argument in the comments.

Lots of spoilers below.

Top Ten Imaginary Friends in Movies

Number 14: Francois Dillinger, Youth in Revolt

I just saw this movie as part of my research for this blog post, so don't you say I don't put in the time for this thing. I prefer imaginary friends (more an alter-ego here) who are bad influences, I think, and Francois--Michael Cera with a mustache and cigarette--ends up getting Nick--Michael Cera with no mustache or cigarette--in a lot of trouble. I can barely contain my excitement when there's one Michael Cera on the screen. Try imagining what happens when there are two of them, especially when one of them gets a line like "I want to tickle your bellybutton. . .from the inside." ! That's Michael Ceralicious!

Number 13: Mickey Goldmill, Rocky V

Now it's entirely possible that I'm misinterpreting Rocky V and that Burgess Meredith wasn't actually a imagined zombie version of the titular boxer's trainer. However, that's the interpretation that makes me the happiest, and one could probably argue that all the characters in the Rocky franchise--at least Rocky's II-IX--are just figments of the brain-damaged boxer's imagination. Dude's swinging at specters and shadows with only a zombified Mickey telling him, "Get up, you son of a bitch, because Mickey loves ya," to keep him going. Mr. T, Talia Shire, and Drago are great imaginary friends and fiends, but Mickey was my favorite character from those movies so I'll go with him.

Number 12: Gusteau, Ratatouille

A portly French ghost chef who talks to a rat? What's not to like? This is an inspirational imaginary friend, one who helps the protagonist realize his dreams and become who he is supposed to be. Arguably, he's got ulterior motives, but I won't let that stand in my way. I mean, he gets so many great little inspirational snippets, things that you could easily put on a poster and hang in your gym to keep you going when you're training to fight a Russian guy. Oh, sorry. Wrong movie. "If you focus on what you left behind, you'll never see what lies ahead." "You must try things that may not work, and you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from." "Your only limit is your soul." "There is excellence all around you. You need only to be aware to stop and savor it." That's good stuff, and Ratatouille is good stuff, a sort-of overlooked Pixar classic.

Number 11: Gooby from Gooby

I thought about just including Gooby with the assortment of figments in The Shining (see below), but I had to give him his own spot because he gets his own movie. As far as I can remember, this is the only imaginary friend who farts and then uses his hand to waft it in the direction of the person imagining him. And that's worth something, readers. We'll definitely throw Gooby in the mischief-making imaginary friend category. And we can blame him for what ended up being a really terrible movie. Here's another picture of him:

Obviously, using Gooby is just an excuse to throw that picture from The Shining on my blog again. Please don't hold that against me.

Number 10: Mugwump, Naked Lunch

And there's a picture of William S. Burroughs shaking hands with a Mugwump. Sometimes, our imaginary friends represent our obsessions, and this alien-reptile guy definitely does that as William Lee begins imagining it after too much exposure to bug powder. When you've got the combined imaginative powers of Burroughs and David Cronenberg designing your imaginary friend, you know you're in for something unique, and the Mugwump doesn't disappoint. The thing gives solid advice, too: "Homosexuality is the best all-around cover an agent ever had." If I had a nickel for every time that helped me out of a jam!

And remember, Mugwump jism can't be beat.

Number 9: Ivan, The Machinist

I don't think this even qualifies as a spoiler since it's pretty obvious this dude's not real from the get-go. As a sinister side to Christian Bale's Trevor, Ivan is one of the coolest imaginary sidekicks on the list. This is another movie I watched solely for the benefit of this top-ten list, and I'm really glad I did because I loved it. But that thick southern accent, those goggles, that giant bald head, those boots, that smile, that cut-throat gesture. Ivan's the menacing daydream of a damaged mind. Creating an imaginary friend who becomes the main character's antagonist is a neat idea but nothing special. Transforming that imaginary friend into the character's savior, however? That's pretty cool.

Number 8: Humphrey Bogart, Play It Again, Sam

You know how much easier my life would have been if I had Humphrey Bogart as an imaginary friend to give me advice? At the very least, I would have used the word "dame" more. Also, I would have understood how dames understand a good slap in the mouth or a slug from a .45 much earlier in life. Jerry Lacy's Bogart in this is just good enough, and Allen uses the character to humorously allude to Casablanca and pay tribute to the late actor.

Number 7: Mother Bates, Psycho

"A boy's best friend is his mother." The only thing worse, according to Freud, than having an imaginary friend who is your own mother? Having an imaginary friend who is a cigar. Ah, maybe the best imaginary friends are the ones that are obviously products of diseased minds. And not many minds are more diseased that that of Master Bates. So diseased that the dude becomes both his own imaginary friend and his own mother simultaneously. And you have to love when a character's invented an imaginary friend who criticizes him so sharply or argues about having to stay in the cellar. Perhaps that's the difference between healthy and unhealthy minds. Healthy minds invent pleasant imaginary friends. Unhealthy ones invent argumentative ones who kill women in showers.

Number 6: Captain Howdy, The Exorcist

Maybe it's just that this one's fresh on the mind. Or that his name is Captain Howdy. More likely, it's the voice work of Mercedes McCambridge and all the fun Captain Howdy and Linda Blair have in this movie. Captain Howdy is not a good influence on that poor girl, but their exploits help create some of the funniest scenes in the history of horror movies. Just imagine Captain Howdy returning and reminiscing with Linda Blair. "Hey, remember when you were a kid and you violated yourself with a crucifix." "Oh, Captain Howdy, you are such a motherfucker!" This one's definitely not the most pleasant imaginary friend, but in small doses, he could be the life of your own little personal party.

Number 5: Elliott, Pete's Dragon

It's been a while, but I believe this is the only imaginary friend on the list who has a sexual relationship with the person imagining him. Well, I guess we don't really know what's going on with Norman Bates, do we? And you never know what's going on with Gooby. And no, it's not on-screen, you sicko, but there's definitely a pedophilia subtext with this one, isn't there? Watch this thing again and tell me it's not there. And just look at Elliott. If that purple coiffure isn't pedophile hair, I really don't know what is. On the surface, this dragon is the imaginary friend every kid would love to have. If you ignore the more sinister aspects of this Disney mix of live-action and animation, you've got yourself a sweet relationship. But I can't pretend that subtext isn't there which keeps this away from the top spot.

Number 4: Grandpa Seth, Troll 2

"I had an imaginary friend when I was young. But it wasn't your dead grandpa!"

Oh, Grandpa Seth. The only imaginary friend I've got on my list who wears suspenders. An imaginary friend who can help you understand the powers of a double decker bologna sandwich. An imaginary friend who can persuade a kid to piss on hospitality. A lot of the magic of this imaginary friend is the great acting by Robert Ormsby in his only role, and a lot of it is the poetry of Claudio Fragasso's script. And it's just refreshing to know that no matter how bad a situation, how terrible your own personal Nilbogs can become, there's always a Grandpa Seth out there ready to help you through your troubles.

Number 3: Tony, The Shining

Maybe it's lame when your imaginary friend is your own finger. I don't know anymore. All I do know is that when I was a kid, I carried around a stuffed Sugar Bear, the mascot from the Super Golden Crisp cereal or whatever that was called. And he spoke to me, friends, giving me advice throughout high school about life and women that wasn't nearly as valuable as advice given by Bogart or a mustachioed Michael Cera. Or even a Captain Howdy. But the voice this little Sugar Bear had, believe it or not, was the same voice that Danny used for Tony. The Shining is actually filled with imaginary friends, and I could have easily picked Lloyd the bartender or Scatman Crothers. Oh, wait. Scatman Crothers' character was real. Or was he? Doesn't matter. Tony the finger is the imaginary friend I most identify with which earns him the number 3 spot.

Number 2: Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Well, this one's obvious, but I love the movie and I love the character that Brad Pitt was seemingly born to play. And you've seen Tyler Durden without a shirt, right? That's all you need right there, isn't it? You know Norman Bates would agree with me. Tyler Durden is that little voice in a lot of our heads that tries to get us to break stuff, sometimes ourselves. He's the little devil sitting on our shoulders, but sometimes--sometimes--that little devil is right. As mischievous as imaginary friends come, Durden's both cool and trouble incarnate, the perfect foil for Norton's character. And this imaginary friend gives us such a terrific movie twist. Such a memorable imaginary friend!

Number 1: Harvey, Harvey

And no, I'm not talking about that hideous thing in Donnie Darko, a movie I don't really remember. I'm talking about the original imaginary rabbit friend of Jimmy Stewart. I haven't seen this in a while, but it reminds me of a movie idea I had a long time ago, a movie about a rabbit who has an invisible Jimmy Stewart as an imaginary friend. Harvey's probably the quintessential imaginary friend, isn't he? Another obvious choice, but he deserves the top spot here even if we don't get to see him. Maybe it's because of how Jimmy Stewart says "Harvey" in this. And I know what I just said about Pete's Dragon, but is the relationship in this one sexual, too? I can't remember.

Here are some imaginary friends I left out:

Elvis in True Romance
Charles in A Beautiful Mind (probably worthy of making the list, but I don't remember the movie well enough)
E.T. in E.T.
The titular girl in Lars and the Real Girl
Mel Gibson's beaver puppet in Beaver
That creepy kid in The Orphanage
Noah's friend in Aronofsky's Noah
The Great Gazoo in the Flintstones sequel where they go to Rock Vegas
Fred in Drop Dead Fred (haven't seen this in a really long time, but he seems like an obvious choice)
Wilson, Tom Hanks' pal in Cast Away
Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense
The mannequin in Mannequin
Fozzie Bear's Mr. Bimble, a cute little Shining reference in Muppet's Treasure Island
Snuffleupagus in Follow That Bird
And I wanted to fit Ferris Bueller in because I like that theory about the character being Cameron's imaginary friend so much. I just don't buy the theory unfortunately.

So, who did I miss?

Bad Movie Club: Undefeatable

1993 action flick

Rating: 6/20 (Libby: 5/20; Fred: 5/20; Josh: 7/20; Jeremy: no rating)

Plot: Following the death of her sister, a tough kung-fu broad seeks revenge on a guy who's named either Stingray or Death Matches. Regardless, he's killing women and ripping out their eyes, neither which is as much of a crime as his mullet.

Everybody--and I mean everybody--was kung-fu fightin', and some of these cats were fast as lightning. Seriously, the fight scenes in this weren't too bad. There were just too many of them, making this a practice in redundancy, and not nearly enough plot. And it is a little ridiculous that every single character in the movie knows kung-fu. I mean, I suppose it's that way with the genre, but when the psychologist in this starts kicking people, it just made this otherwise realistic and gritty crime drama a little too silly. It's still a lot of fun though. I'd been trying to get these Jockasses in the Bad Movie Club to watch a Godfrey Ho movie for a while, and it finally happened. The bad guy's menacing enough, and Don Niam is the type of actor who thinks he can do it all with nothing more than his eyes, maybe ironic since he ends up gouging out the eyes of his victims and keeping them in a fishbowl for reasons that are never fully explained. My guess would be that they needed a reason to have the exact climax that they did because the writers of this had some really good "eye" puns they wanted to use. An early rape scene--right before a scene where Niam eats some meat like he's a caveman and a few scenes before one where he hurls meat at a wall--was described by Libby as "the funniest rape scene ever." And that's saying a lot because there are a ton of funny rape scenes in cinema. But this character isn't all eyeball-gouging and brawn and mullet. Oh, no. This is a villain with depth. Well, if you can call a lot of mommy issues depth. Of course, you really have to assume that Stingray is hearing the same exact unchanging song that makes up the "score" of this movie, and maybe that's what has driven the poor guy crazy. Anyway, he meets his match in our heroine played by the nimble Cynthia Rothrock. I'm assuming she's the one who's "undefeatable" in this. Most of her fights are arranged by a triad of buffoons for money, and the first one has enough rhythmic clapping during it to embarrass the cast of West Side Story. Generously peppered with numerous fight scenes, general weirdness, and very poor acting, this turned out to be a very satisfying chunk of kung-fu cheese. Highly recommended, especially if you actually are high like Josh was for this one.

Bad Movie Club: Zombie Nightmare

1987 horror movie

Rating: 4/20 (Fred: 14/20; Josh: 12/20; Carrie: 20/20; Libby: dozed off)

Plot: That guy from Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare is resurrected as a zombie by a voodoo lady and gets revenge on the teenagers who ran over him with their car.

That's right, Jon Mikl Thor fans! The big guy's in this one. Well, at least the first fourth of it. Once he's hit by a car, he's replaced by another guy (Emmy Award winner Peewee Piemonte) playing the zombified version of himself--the titular nightmare, I suppose--presumably because the bulge in Thor's capri sweatpants was a little too distracting for the camera crew. His brief performance is, just like in that aforementioned movie, a work of art. And Adam "Fucking" West. What can you say? I'd be in favor of Adam West being in every single movie. Here, he's sporting a mustache and chomping on a cigar, the latter which I'm guessing was part of a contract. "Sure, I'll be in your fucking movie, but I'm going to need a supply of Walgreen's best cigars." Imagine that in an Adam West voice. West delivers and might be sober for some of his scenes in this movie, but this is really Dean Hagopian's time to shine as a medical examiner who serves no other purpose, it seems, but to make me giggle with every line he says in this faux-Columbo accent. The character's 100% extraneous; however, this is not the same movie without him popping into the scene to work his magic on this abysmal script. This one has all the elements you need for an enjoyable bad movie although the story's pedestrian and predictable. Great ending though!

Halloween Movie Fest: Pin

1988 killer mannequin movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Following the deaths of their parents, a brother and sister live in a home with the titular medical mannequin who the brother is convinced is alive. Pin starts acting strangely. Or maybe the brother does. Anyway, there's definitely some strangeness in this.

How can you not like a movie that features ventriloquism with an anatomy dummy in a doctor's office? That's just awesome. I'd never heard of this movie, sort of a B-grade psychological drama a la Psycho, but it's definitely worth watching for a pervading creepiness and subdued dark humor. Actually, I wouldn't bet money that it's supposed to be funny at all, but there is a scene where a nurse has a sexual encounter with Pin while Leon, as a child, looks on. That's as fantastic as you're imagining, but surely these medical mannequins don't have erect penises. It makes you wonder what's going on there. There's also a "Take the towel off my lap" scene--you probably need context here, but I'm not giving you any) that makes you think I might. Being eyewitness to a woman having sex with the thing and Pin, voiced engastrimythically by the kids' father, giving the birds-and-bees speech? No wonder Leon grew up so troubled. I identified with the kid, probably because I currently have an imaginary friend named Chauncy Decoupage. But Leon also wore his pants a little too high on the waist and had a severe part, and with the other kids calling him a spaz or a faggot, it takes me right back to my childhood. That, and my only friends were dummies. This starts to get a little soggy with its predictability, but a twist at the end still manages to work. It's an interesting little horror film from Canada.

I'd like to see Maltin use a word like "engastrimythically" in a movie review. That bitch!

Halloween Movie Fest: The Changeling

1980 horror mystery

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Following a tragic accident, a composer decides to live in a house that is way too big for him. He's immediately haunted by a ghost.

Less a horror movie and more like a creepy but classy mystery, The Changeling works mostly because it's got a great house. There's just something about a camera moving slowly through a big house with just the right music. This really is a lot of house for one guy, even a guy like George C. Scott, but that just gives it more angles, more shadows. There are beautiful shots of a staircase where, Escher-like, you have trouble figuring out if you're looking up or down. A lot of my favorite horror movies are the kinds that would give architects hard-ons. This movie certainly looks better than it sounds. The sound effects always feel a little random, and it's hard to tell what the protagonist is hearing and what is just there for us. Scott, as that protagonist, is good, except (or especially?) when he looks a little too much like Bob Uecker. His deliver of "God damn son of a bitch!" is so terrifically delivered, however, that it doesn't matter which former baseball catcher he resembles.

Extraterrestrial

2011 comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A guy wakes up in a beautiful woman's apartment, but isn't sure if he "hit that" or not. Then, they discover that the streets are empty and there's a UFO outside, presumably with at least one of the titular beings from beyond earth in them. Conflicts arise when the gal's boyfriend and another guy--a neighbor who is obsessed with her--show up.

Yep, watched this just because it was directed by a guy named Nacho, the same guy who did Timecrimes. This isn't as good as Timecrimes, but it's also completely different than Timecrimes. Don't go into this expecting a science fiction action movie or anything because the aliens barely matter at all here. Actually, I'm not even sure if you can say it has aliens. It has a UFO. It's not a bad romantic comedy, and the female lead Julia was played by Michelle Jenner who is what you'd call fetching. Amusing, if not actually funny, little twists and turns keep this dialogue-and-character-driven comedy going. Peaches, explosions, the funniest-looking tank you'll ever see, and lots and lots of tennis balls. Don't you dare watch this before Timecrimes though.

Sorry this is so short, Nacho Vigalondo. Speaking of him, I also just found out that he directed the first segment in that ABC's of Death horror anthology. I don't remember if his was one of the good ones or not. Anyway, see Timecrimes.

Halloween Movie Fest: The Exorcist

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Halloween Movie Fest: V/H/S/ 2

2013 horror anthology

Rating: 10/20

Plot: An investigative team stumbles upon a bunch of video cassettes and watches some of them.

Ok, watching the second installment of what will undoubtedly be an endless franchise is admitting that the first is what you'd call a guilty pleasure. I like the found footage horror genre, and although almost every idea this movie has to give them an excuse to even have filmed evidence is really dumb, this still gives the audience a unique first-person perspective with these stories. The problem is that the stories just aren't very good. The first, in which a guy has this electronic eye that turns him into Bruce Willis, has a few shots that might make you jump out of your seat, but nothing happening with the characters makes any sense. Also, I had trouble figuring out how the guy was able to live in a house as nice as the one in this. The second story is an almost-clever twist on the zombie story. Then again, it's zombies. The longest, and probably the best, involves an Indonesian cult and is a true mindfuck with some really good effects, the sort of thing where you're impressed with everybody's timing. The story's a little weak, however. And then, there's a stupid alien thing that feels cheap, and by the time that story rolls around, you're probably a little tired of the whole thing. The frame story doesn't work at all. Well, at least it made no sense to me. I will say this: the first movie was impressive because the different directors found an excuse to show nudity in every one of the stories. This gives you a shot of breasts and a penis within the first minute, but there's not nearly as much nudity as the first one. I guess that's why it loses a point. Anyway, some of this might impress some people, and I have no doubt that the people involved--seven directors--are very creative people. Unfortunately, this doesn't add up to anything you're proud to have watched.

This movie could have been the worst experience of my life, and it still would have been worth it. I watched the whole thing before writing my thoughts about it. That's better than Rex Reed could do. I am now a more reliable and credible source for movie information than Rex Reed. Not that any of you doubted that anyway.

That's right--only one of those two guys watches the movies he reviews. And I don't even think the guy with the tie has his own blog!

David Holzman's Diary

1967 mockumentary

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A New Yorker decides to document his life on film, and this is the result.

Early in this--right after the titular character's girlfriend has broken up with him (or maybe before)--Holzman's friend tries to tell him that this whole thing isn't going to work because it will be filled with all these "half-truths" and that "aesthetic decisions" are going to get in the way. And this takes on an interesting dada quality precisely because the friend is right. Holzman doesn't have anything going on in his life that would make him worthy of having a documentary about him. And the late L.M. Kit Carson--very recently late actually--walks a thin line between interesting character and guy who you just don't understand, a guy who you sort of want to like and a character you almost want to take a swing at. This is a faux-documentary, back before faux-documentaries were cool, and it's fascinating to me that filmmaker Jim McBride was able to turn the genre on its head before it was really even a genre. It's more clever--and maybe more sad--than it is funny, but Carson excels in what I imagine was a really difficult performance. There's a character arc in this, but you have to squint and turn your head to one side to see it. I imagine Holzman's biggest problems in this are caused by his drinking of Pepsi from a Coca Cola glass, the sort of thing that might lead an individual into following women a couple blocks from a subway or filming people through windows. The guy's a definitely creepster, and you can tell he's an expert by the way he talks about the "widow thumb and the four daughters," the kind of masturbation analogy that can only be made by a bona-fide creepster. By the end, the character's become difficult to figure out, just like the best characters in fiction, but you feel a little sorry for him during a rambling monologue near the end where he alternates between an angry "What do you want?" and also-angry "You made me do things!", both directed at an audience who will in no way have a clue what he's talking about. I'm not quite sure what he's demanding of the audience here or what this is saying about making movies or the process involved in this sort of thing. Four really great scenes in this: 1) a scene where the faux-documentary apparently loses its faux as Carson interviews a sex-crazed woman, 2) a blurred night of television, 3) a scene where he dicks around with a brand-new lens, 4) a great extended shot of a bunch of old people sitting on a bench. There are also some great black and white shots of the city as it lived in the mid-1960s.

The Mishaps of Musty Suffer

1916-1917 slapstick shorts

Rating: n/r

Plot: The titular vagabond suffers, mustily, in a series of shorts.

I'd never heard of Musty Suffer, the character played by former circus performer Harry Watson Jr. When my fellow silent comedy fans and I get together, I think I'm going to refer to him as "The Nose." From certain angles, Watson resembles a squat Abe Lincoln, but he's a lot funnier than I imagine Lincoln ever was. A lot of the appeal is an extremely rubbery face, a physical feature that Watson utilizes to get a lot of laughs. Not that I laughed. These nearly plot-less vignettes are amusing enough for sure, and one of the things I really appreciate about silent comedy is the lengths these creative minds would go to get a laugh. It's almost like silent funnymen (and women? Were there any?) weren't trying to out-funny but out-innovate each other. This definitely has imagination and plays around with all kinds of old-timey special effects, the kind that I've always had a sweet spot for. Slightly surrealistic and near-absurdist at times, these shorts have just the right of mean-spiritedness mixed in with the humor. Musty Suffer is, as I think the back of the dvd case suggested, a sort of comic Job character, and describing the plot points for any of these would likely trick somebody into thinking they're tragedies or a little depressing. But Musty's a clown in purgatory, and even if Watson's character isn't exactly as easy to connect with as the silent comedians everybody's heard of, he's still fun to watch. I'll be diving into these shorts again and am happy that whoever was responsible for this collection unearthed him for my fellow silent comedy fans and me. We all call him "The Nose," by the way. Not sure if I mentioned that earlier.

Halloween Movie Fest: A Page of Madness

1926 Japanese silent avant-garde film

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A man gets a janitor job at a sanitarium in order to help his crazy wife escape.

I don't watch nearly enough silent movies anymore. And I can't recall ever seeing a silent movie from Japan. This one is from the mind of Teinosuke Kinugasa, a former female impersonator and the director of Gate of Hell, a movie that I know I watched but must have forgotten to write about because I can't find it here. This film was originally shown, I've read, with narration. Watching it now, it's really difficult to figure out the backstory for these characters. There aren't any intertitles to help you out at all, and the storytelling isn't exactly what you'd call coherent. That doesn't make it any less enjoyable as Kinugasa throws in every trick from the 1920's cinematic book of tricks (not a real book), making this more like a tone poem than a narrative. You get very quick montages, something that gives the setting a manic and somehow claustrophobic vibe. There are quick cuts of dancing, terrible lightning effects, and shadows that add up to a chilling look at mental illness. There's multiple exposure used extensively and a lot of distorted faces or dancers that give this that otherworldly feel that you can really only get from 1920's horror movies or the works of Guy Maddin. Washed out backgrounds and silent murky fuzz certainly add to the overall texture, but it's hard to know what was part of the vision of the filmmaker and what improvements time made on a "lost" movie that apparently was just sitting around for about 50 years before its discovery. This one's all about the imagery, and the images are indelible ones. A trio of crazed motherfuckers, a dog and later the male lead with their profile in a halo of light, a dancer with an odd hat in front of a bloated barbershop poll. You piece together enough of a plot to make the logical parts of your brain happy enough, but it's the part of your brain that just likes to look at stuff that's going to be thrilled the most with what's going on here. It might get a little repetitive after a while, but this is still highly recommended for fans of experimental and/or silent movies.

Parts of this lost movie were still lost after the rest of it was first found. Apparently, an extended cut exists, but I watched a non-restored version. The music was provided by some 1970's avant-garde Japanese musicians.

Halloween Movie Fest: The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made

2005 comedy

Rating: I don't know.

Plot: Some people get together for a poker game, and a few of them die. Then, a game of 52-Card-Pick-Up turns violent, and a couple are forced to flee. God, what am I doing with my life. Why the hell would I even think about watching this?

A poop monster, lots of talk about fecal matter, a hootenanny, lactation, bloody baby dolls, fake penises, a werewolf that either disappeared or anally raped a character named Detective Fred, a snowman, Jesus, the line "So you want us to shoot you out of a cannon right into her meat curtains?", a fight between a fake spider and a fake bat, a mummy. I don't know what to do with any of this. I did learn that cups were the only thing in the Bible that Jesus is afraid of which is one more thing than I learned at the Bible college I attended for a year and a half. All the bonus points I would get from God for going to a Bible college are wiped away after watching this movie. There's too much blasphemy and racism in this. So Saint Peter is going to say, "Sure, you went to a Bible college for three semesters and got a few hits for their baseball team--The Preachers--but you also watched The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made. I don't know if we want to let you in."

You, whoever you might be, shouldn't watch this. It's stupid. In a way, it's frustrating because I think director Bill Zebub, a guy who has made 39 other movies that are more than likely a lot like this since 2002, lets a little cleverness slip in every once in a while. And then--poop monster. Or a CGI rape scene that is not awful because a character is being raped but because the CGI is so bad. I laughed a bunch of times while watching this because I was apparently as high as a human being can be, but once I sobered up, I was embarrassed by the whole thing. I probably shouldn't have even written about it here. I hate myself.

Bill Zebub, for your information, is the director of Antfarm Dickhole. I'd watch that, but I'm terrified I would have to use the word titular in my review.

Seriously, don't watch this. Watch something else instead.

This might be the most depressed I have ever been. If this blog entry isn't a cry for help, I don't know what it is.

Bad Movie Club: Ice Cream Man

1995 horror movie

Rating: 4/20 (Fred: 3/20; Carrie: 1.5/20; Libby: 5/20; Josh: 2/20)

Plot: The titular traveling purveyor of creamy desserts and frozen confections is up to no good.

"Who's the pied piper now, ice cream dick?"

I had to do a search for the cliche "tour de force" on my own blog to make sure I haven't overused that phrase. I used it to describe the performance of a camel and a few human actors and once where I actually used the sentence "I had to do a search for the cliche 'tour de force' on my own blog to make sure I haven't overused that phrase." But really, how else are you going to describe Clint Howard's performance in this? In fact, "tour de force performances" should be called Clint Howards from now on. Ron Howard's brother carries this movie. He's like a rusty wheelbarrow (wait--is that a sex act?) being used to haul about 300 pounds of fecal matter. His shining moment in this, you'd expect, would be a scene where he's got a servered head on a waffle cone, but later, he performs a puppet show with a pair of severed heads for an extended period of time. I don't want to question whether or not it's even possible to use a severed head as a puppet because that would ruin the magic of the whole thing.

Do you think Ron Howard has watched this movie? Here's what I want to see: a movie that is nothing more than Ron Howard watching this movie. And then, a sequel where Clint Howard watches the movie where Ron Howard watches his movie. And if that works, they can complete the trilogy by having Ron Howard and Clint Howard fight to the death. I might have to pitch this idea to somebody.

Anyway, that's really all I have to say about Ice Cream Man.

By Request: Beetlejuice

1988 comedy

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: 17/20; Emma: 15/20; Abbey: 11/20)

Plot: A recently-deceased couple has to live out part of their afterlife in the house they owned at the time of their deaths, and that means putting up with an annoying family who has moved in. After attempts to scare the new owners away fail, they call on the titular ghoul for help.

Why would you have Robert Goulet in a movie and not give him a song? That cost this movie a point right there. The combination of Robert Goulet and Dick Cavett in the same movie seems irresponsible, by the way. Just think for a moment about how dangerous that could have been.

At one point in this, a character informs us that "Live people ignore the strange and unusual." Tim Burton is a live person, as far as we know, but he's spent his entire career putting the strange and unusual on movie screens for us. As a fan of the strange and unusual, I can respect that. There's enough weirdness here, but it's not a refined weirdness. The Salvador Dali-esque landscape has some dopey special effects, but the stop-motion sand worm, like all the stop-motion creations in this, is really cool. The handful of appearances of the shrunken head guy (a cameo by Dan Hedaya) in that lobby behind that chalk-drawn door are great because that one facial expression he makes is perfect in every situation. There's a lot of creativity and color behind that door, but it's all a little goofy and seems like stuff that just sprang from a Burton brain that was a little out of control rather than something that was well planned. A run-over guy glides in to make a too-obvious "feeling a little flat" pun; Sylvia Sidney comes in to play a great old-lady character and have smoke come out of a slit in her neck; and Douglas Turner, in his lone acting role after making models for Chopping Mall, gets to play Char Man. There's fun to be had in those lobby scenes, like a brief Disney-style ride through Burton's head. I also like the dark comedy as the inexperienced ghosts--one of those Baldwin brothers and Geena Davis, an honorary Baldwin brother--try their hand at haunting for the first time, and their earlier death at a covered bridge. A covered bridge might seem like an unlikely place to die, but that's always seemed like the exact kind of place where you could be murdered. The Baldwin brothers' death also seems impossibly tragic, almost in a humorous way although there's really nothing funny about any of the Baldwin brothers dying. Except for maybe Stephen Baldwin.

Hey, I hate to interrupt myself like this, but I just thought of a fantastic idea. Fantastic ideas are rare, so I have to make sure I get this down somewhere. I'm not sure how this could be arranged, but I think Danny Elfman should score Stephen Baldwin's death. Elfman's work makes everything sound better, even the shittiest of Tim Burton's movies, and an Elfman composition would definitely help people get through the loss of Stephen Baldwin. Sure, the other seven Baldwin brothers and Geena Davis are going to be upset, but they'd at least get to enjoy something about the tragedy. Elfman's score is really good here in his second collaboration with Burton, especially with the stuff that plays over the credits and the sweep over the model of the town.

I've got to digress again because I'm wondering if Josh, the person who both requested a blog entry about Beetlejuice and let me borrow a 20th anniversary dvd copy of the movie, has seen Forbidden Zone. If not, he needs to stop whatever he's doing (reading this) and watch that. It might be the greatest movie of all time.

Another digression: The Baldwin Brothers is such a good band name that I'm sure it's already been taken by somebody.

Little thespian Tony Cox plays a preacher in this. But not even Tony Cox can overshadow what Michael Keaton does as Beetlejuice or however the hell they want to spell his name. He's like an undead Tom Waits. He's not in the first half of this movie much at all, and if you've seen this before, you really miss him. But from his first appearance, where he says the great line "I'll possess myself if I gotta," you know you're getting a special character. When the living human characters are all kind of annoying and Burton's screenplay seems like it's about to spiral out of control, Keaton gives this thing a nucleus and is entertaining every single second he's on the screen.

Halloween Movie Fest: The House That Drips Blood on Alex (short)

2010 horror short

Rating: n/r

Plot: Alex moves into his new house on 3 Blood Street, and it begins to drip blood on him.

I'll leave this here for anybody who hasn't seen this: http://www.cc.com/cc-studios/the-house-that-drips-blood-on-alex-starring-tommy-wiseau/tespbn/the-house-that-drips-blood-on-alex----starring-tommy-wiseau

The interest in this little comedy short is that Tommy Wiseau plays the titular guy who has blood dripped on him. He's not in control of this production, but in a way, he's in complete control of this production. It doesn't really matter what Wiseau is supposed to be saying or what his lines actually are because he's going to Wiseau them and turn them into something magical. This is supposed to be funny, and it is, and although I think Wiseau is in on the joke, I'm not really sure he's that in on the joke if you know what I mean. This is under 13 minutes long, but there's a whole lot of Tommy Wiseau packed into that 13 minutes, and if you're like me, that makes it worthwhile. Hell, it might be worth it just to hear him talking about a fancy pen ("I might as well be writing with a duck") or starting a story with "Back when I was a little girl." There are also a lot of close-ups of Wiseau's face if you're into that sort of thing. I know that one of my blog readers is.

I think I might watch this again.