Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Appaloosa

2008 Western

Rating: 12/2o

Plot: A crappy Western town is oppressed by a mustachioed rancher and his gang of dirty thugs. A sheriff and his deputy with a good track record for taking care of this sort of business is brought in to clean things up. Renee Zellweger takes the train in to ruin the movie and get in the way of Sheriff Cole getting his job done.

After an intriguing exposition and the introduction of Jeremy Irons, an actor who sells it so well with little more than body language and a mustache, as a really cool villain, this loses steam very quickly and settles for being nothing more than a carbon copy of seemingly every other modern Western, one that isn't gritty or realistic or emotionally deep enough to make me not wish I was watching a Spaghetti Western instead. I've previously mentioned how bored I get whenever Ed "One-Note" Harris is on the screen, but at least he doesn't make me angry like whenever Renee Zellweger is around making those flatulent chipmunk faces at me. There's not a single moment in this movie that doesn't involve Jeremy Irons' hips that I will likely remember. This movie never clicks, as content as cardboard, a hoarse request for dirty water in a filthy saloon.

My movie idea: Any setting, any genre, any director. This could be a sci-fi Western set on a moon of Jupiter directed by any of your no-name Hollywood or Bollywood directors. All I want is a two-hour film in which Renee Zellweger gets beaten with a shovel, preferably by DJ Qualls. In 3-D!

1 comment:

Kairow said...

Do you remember when Rene Zellsquinter was an adorable little thing? Me neither.

I again, agree with the 12.