Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Not Another Teen Movie

2001 comedy

Rating: 4/20

Plot: I really don't want to take the time to type out a plot synopsis for this thing.

This almost broke my personal record for quickest that I stopped watching a movie with a scene around the two minute mark featuring Randy Quaid and a vibrator. I started to get up to change the channel to see if maybe a rerun of the 2007 World Series of Poker was on, but Gene Siskel's ghost grabbed me by the shirt sleeve and had just the most appealing look in his eyes. Sometimes, pickings are slim with the Urine Couch AM Movie Club, and you just have to go with what you're given. It's what makes the Urine Couch AM Movie Club magical. Gene Siskel's ghost, by the way, laughed uproariously throughout this movie, slapping the armrest on his side of the Urine Couch and spitting ghost saliva all over the place. I couldn't find a single laugh. Yeah, I know what this is trying to do, and I know who it might appeal to. But the parody is like the shallow end of the pool, and most reasonable adults, when they decide to dive in, are just going to wind up needing stitches on their foreheads. This lampoons a whole bunch of 80's and 90's movies, few which I like anyway because they already seem like spoofs of the genre some times, but it does it without the least amount of cleverness I've ever seen. Here's the line that perfectly encapsulates what Not Another Teen Movie is all about: "Girl go pee pee not something I want to see see." No, I'm not making that up. That's actually in the movie. Somebody sat down and write that down, probably laughed to himself, and then submitted it to somebody so that an actor would actually say it on screen to make people laugh. The actor (Sam Levine from Freaks & Geeks, I think; I don't really remember though) then read the line, decided it was a good idea for his career to go ahead and say the line while being filmed with an actual camera, and finished the line. See, I probably would have gotten to the second "pee" before saying, "Wait a second here. Are you sure this is such a good idea, Joel Gallen? I know you directed Mariah Carey's Homecoming Special and produced a whole bunch of classic spoofs for the MTV video awards and probably know what you're doing, but I don't know." But then the editor of Not Another Teen Movie saw the footage, assuming he got past the part with Randy Quaid and the dildo, and decided to save it from the cutting room floor. "Girl go pee pee not something I want to see see" actually survived and made it to the cheap little television set in the lobby of my motel after, I don't know, fifty or so people saw it. How is that possible? I get those Quaid brothers confused by the way. I always think Randy is named Dennis and vice versa. They're both useless Hollywood entities. One might as well be made out of cardboard, and the other one should be eaten by hobos. This movie also has Mr. T, but it surprisingly lacks a cameo appearance by Gary Coleman. The most annoying thing about the movie is the music. The soundtrack to Not Another Teen Movie must have been a ten-cd box set!

I will not be seeing any more of these spoofy things any time soon.

After this was over, I cleansed my palate by rewatching A Serious Man. That's still brilliant.

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