Urine Couch AM Movie Club (The Lost Episodes): Edge of Darkness

2010 drama

Rating: 11/20

Plot: I don't remember. Mel Gibson's daughter is murdered, and he gets all sad and tries to find out who was behind it.

Damn it! This movie doesn't have a beaver puppet!

While cleaning out my underwear drawer of superfluous items, I came across some notes that I'd written down on motel stationery. By "motel stationery," of course, I'm talking about scrap paper that we front desk clerks used to jot things down. I'd completely forgotten about catching this movie on HBO one AM, probably while the Urine Couch was still in the lobby. Completely forgetting that you watched a movie more than likely isn't going to lead to a glowing review or even a coherent one. According to my notes, I thought it was either funny or creepy when Mel Gibson said "You're my girl" to his daughter. It might have been a funny/creepy hybrid. And then I wrote down "morphing/hawking [?] xu dead daughter" which doesn't look like much of anything. I really don't remember this movie at all and wonder if I fell asleep during it. I fell asleep quite a bit on the Urine Couch, probably because it was the time I normally slept. That and I didn't have much to do there. I miss that place though. I miss talking to the truck drivers and whores and staring down the Waffle House people. Plus, the great movies. If I still had that job, for example, I'd be all excited about watching Get Smart and Doctor Detroit tonight and American Pie 2 tomorrow night. But I don't have that job, and I all I have to look forward to is reminiscing about watching this Mel Gibson movie that doesn't even have a damn beaver puppet in it.

I sincerely hope this review was helpful.

FINAL Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Kindergarten Cop

1990 action comedy

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A cop has to pose as a kindergarten teacher in order to find a drug dealer. It's just like a Fast and the Furious movie except with children replacing the cars.

It's my final Urine Couch AM Movie Club selection, and it makes me a little sad. I don't know what Gene Siskel's ghost is going to do without me actually. Probably try to find a transvestite, drug dealer, trucker, or whore or some combination of those to sit in the lobby and watch movies with.

First off, Arnold's performance in this is one of the worst "big name" performances ever. It's got to be. He stumbles his way through this one, fitting into a comedy like seven ham hocks trying to fit into a latex glove. It's awkward and messy! And I'm not sure who was in charge of his wardrobe, but I'd guess that person never worked in Hollywood again. Or I could be wrong and the various outfits he wore in this were part of the comedy. He starts the thing in this glasses/stubble/trenchcoat ensemble that, along with his size, made him stand out way too much for an undercover cop. Later, he's wearing these jeans that are the oddest color of pant that I believe I've ever seen. He's dressed up at one point as a farmer, singing through "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" with ukulele accompaniment, and yes, that's as wonderful as it sounds. But that's not the most ridiculous outfit they even put him in! No, that would have to be the V-neck with gray sweatpants that made it completely obvious that Arnold Swarzenegger has never actually been a real person. As ridiculous as his wardrobe makes him look, his acting is what makes him aggressively ridiculous. And I'll say it again--this has to be right up there with the worst acting performances of all time. He spends the majority of the movie doing this actually:

That's a face that 99.9% of people just can't make. And I guess that's something. You know how all those 80's action movies gave Arnold those great one-liners? This has all kinds of them! My favorites:

"I'm the party pooper." Come on. That's classic.

"I'm the new kindergarten teacher." You have to read that with the same intonation he used with "I'll be back."

"It's not a tumor. It's not a tumor at all!"
"Good. Now we are having fun." (Picture him with a ferret for this one.)
"What's that? It's a fire alarm! Aaahh!"
"Hi, kids! I'm back." (One of the more touching moments in the movie. What am I saying? One of the most touching moments in movie history!)

You also get to see Arnold threaten children comically, participate in a two-legged race, and act all tough in some scenes where this transforms from a comedy to what seems to be the worst television cop drama of all time. He throws down hard, too, like he's making up for all the time lost shooting those scenes with the kids. He is, after all, the party pooper. Speaking of those kids, they act circles around him. The kids are a lot funnier in this than Arnold, especially when given a chance to improvise. The scripted stuff is lousy though. One kid gets a recurring line that somebody should have been shot for writing--"Boys have a penis; girls have a vagina." The second time the kid says it, he finishes it with a flourish of unnatural arm pumps that Arnold probably taught him between scenes. That kid's name is Miko Hughes, and shane-movies aficionados will be interested to know that he was Billy Robberson in Cops and Robbersons, a movie I've never actually seen. Don't be surprised if you see Miko Hughes' name turn up on my end-of-the-year post. I'm also fond of this bit of dialogue:

"He's a poo-poo head."
"He's a poo-poo face."
"Yeah, he's a cocka poo-poo."

The bad guy's got a ponytail. Did I not mention that? This movie also has one of the most exciting action sequences I've ever seen. I don't want to give too much away, but there's a ferret bite, a gunshot, an Arnold slow-motion dive for a gun, another gunshot, and more exaggerated motions than you'd see if you were watching a pair of mimes.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Little Fockers

2010 comedy sequel

Rating: 5/20

Plot: Jack Byrnes' health is failing, and after his other son-in-law proves unworthy, he turns to whatever Ben Stiller's character's name is to become the family patriarch. Oh, and Ben Stiller's character has children now, the titular fockers. Ben Stiller's character does some things that are mistaken as other things, and Jack loses faith in his son-in-law before a bunch of things happen that are sort of similar to the other movies.

I had completely forgotten that I watched this about a month ago! I enjoyed watching it about half as much as I did the other two movies. Did anybody ask for Little Fockers? Did anybody--even the biggest fan of Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, Mother Fockers, Fockin' Crazy, or Fock This Garbage--love these characters so much that they just had to have another couple hours with them? Or is this just Hollywood trying to force-feed us crap? Here's a case of a movie where I like almost all the people involved but didn't like the movie at all. Ben Stiller? I like him. He's funny, and as I've written here previously, I wish I had hair like his. Owen Wilson? Like him. Dustin Hoffman, even an old Dustin Hoffman who's obviously just collecting checks at this point in his career? Like him. Barbra Streisand? I adore her! She's fabulous! Hoffman and Streisand's characters livened things up in the middle piece of this trilogy actually. DeNiro? Come on! It's DeNiro! Jessica Alba's underpants? I'm a big fan! They all try hard enough, but they've got a halfassed script and a predictable and flat story to work with. I'm not sure because I wasn't invited to co-write this thing, but I bet they finished a rough draft, had a few beers to celebrate, sat down a few weeks later for a rewrite, and decided that they didn't need to put any more effort into it because Owen Wilson was going to make it all funny no matter what and people would see the movie anyway. "We can just show Robert DeNiro looking all serious and Ben Stiller falling in a hole or something during the previews and people will line up!" Any comedy that has more bad child actors than laughs is in trouble. More bad child actors and about seventeen thousand more "God Focker" jokes. Seriously, DeNiro et. al. should be ashamed of themselves.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Old School

2004 comedy

Rating 8/20

Plot: A triad of grown men, all unhappy in different deep-down way decide to form a fraternity to recapture some of their glory (hole) days. Hilarious!

The Cardinals advanced to the World Series. I teared up a bit, wandered outside the hotel, and graded some papers. Following the award presentations, beer drenching, and celebrations, Old School came on, and Gene wanted to watch it. Again, forgot my promise. I don't think I'd ever be in the mood to watch this movie, but I was in a good enough mood to let Gene have his way although not sans trousers like he suggested. I had time before the movie I was really excited about watching came on, and First, I can't believe this came out in 2003. For whatever reason, it seems like it's been around forever like plagues, evil-doers, people making bad decisions, and AIDS have. No, this movie is not as awful as AIDS, but it's also probably not as funny. Luke Wilson's as likable as any Wilson brother or any Baldwin brother, but he needs funny material if he's going to be funny. Look at him in those Wes Anderson movies and then watch this. He's the same guy with the same amount of talent, but he just doesn't work here. And Jack Bauer is going to be pissed when he watches this and finds out what you did to his daughter, Luke. Will Ferrell never works, probably because of that stupid face. I don't like Vince Vaughn's face either and his work in this isn't as funny as what he did in that Psycho remake. In fact, I don't think I really like anybody in this movie except for Patrick Cranshaw. All 8 points I'm giving this movie are for Patrick Cranshaw actually. And just when you don't think the cast can get any more unlikable, the producers of Old School throw Snoop Dogg and Andy Dick at you. Andy Dick! I imagine the type of people who would care about the characters in this movie or let out a laugh or two would probably also be the same type of people who laugh at Andy Dick's name.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Get Him to the Greek

2010 crude comedy

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Aldous Snow--a rock 'n' roller recovering from a bad break-up, a critically-lambasted album, and a drug habit--needs help getting to a music venue for a big show. The titular him and the titular Greek for those of you keeping score at home. The boring Jonah Hill, an up-and-coming record label intern, is sent to retrieve him. Apparently, a of lot college kids are entertained by this sort of thing.

I think I get the appeal of Russell Brand, but he bothers me. It just doesn't seem like he has to try at all in order to make the funny happen. Jonah Hill? I don't get this kid. Why's he famous? This movie was more loud and crude than funny. It's one of those cases where they search around for that line and then try to see how many times they can cross it instead of worrying about being clever. I did like Puff Daddy though. There's something I never thought I'd type.

Have you seen this one, Barry?

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Catching Hell

2011 television documentary

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A story of scapegoats. A few years ago, the Chicago Cubs looked like they might be ready to finally break that Curse of the Billy Goat. Mark Pryor was pitching well, they had a semi-comfortable lead heading into the 8th inning, and were just a few outs from tasting their first World Series action since the end of World War II. But hold on! A nerdy Cubs fan, a fit thrown by Moises Alou (a guy who pissed on his hands instead of wearing batting gloves--look it up), and a botched double play ball dooms the lovable losers once again and makes one poor sap the most hated man on the North Side.

First off: Mark Pryor. Steroid casualty?

Secondly, Bill Buckner sure cries a lot.

Thirdly, this is all God's fault anyway. If he would have made Moises Alou over fifteen feet tall, none of this would have happened.

Steve Bartman is an intriguing figure. How he's managed to keep away from cameras is beyond me. The people behind this documentary treat the footage of Bartman grabbing for that baseball like it's the Zapruder film. They break everything down like it's crime footage, and you get to see the after-effects from multiple fan-recorded angles which is cool. I remember watching this game and feeling bad for Bartman then. I'm a smart enough baseball fan to ignore the fact that Bartman's hand touched the ball and see that almost anybody else in that seat would have done the same thing. Well, not me. I'm a smart baseball fan. I was also laughing hysterically because I don't like the Cubs or their fans and think it's hilarious when bad things happen to them. You know, like Alfonso Soriano or Carlos Zambrano. I didn't figure that this poor guy was going to survive the night though. And there was just something about the way he just sat there with those stupid headphones and ignored the world while Fox cameras kept showing him over and over again that makes him an almost iconic figure. Seriously, he should get a statue. The descriptions and reenactments of Bartman's "escape" from the ironically nicknamed Friendly Confines was gripping, and the sociologically insight (the mindset of obsessive sports fans, the behaviors of drunk Cubs fans) is enlightening. As an investigation of the idea of scapegoats in sports (not surprisingly with two of the worst fanbases in MLB) with connections to Weepin' Bill Buckner, this was revealing. As a narrative documentary, it's completely gripping, so much that when it came on again immediately after the time I watched it, I went ahead and watched it again. One more thing: I kept expecting to see (the first time--not the second since I'd already seen it) an interview with Bartman himself, like it was building up to this big moment where he gets to explain himself. This is for sure more fascinating without it though.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The A-Team

2010 ass-kicker

Rating: 13/20

Plot: The titular team is sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escape from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem--if no one else can help-and if you can find them--maybe you can hire The A-Team.

Got five words for you that might, if you're the type this might appeal to, sell The A-Team: they fly a fuckin' tank. Sure, sometimes you read something like that and find out later that it's not nearly as awesome as it sounds. Not this time though! The action sequences in this use up more bullets than several other action movies combined and have this ludicrous energy that makes this a lot of fun. It's like the makers of this finished writing the scene where Murdock is flying a helicopter upside down and said to themselves, "Why stop at ridiculous when we can go for batshit insane, fellows? Let's juice it up!" And this is juicy, folks! Maybe it's not the greatest of movies or even the greatest of action movies, but it's a ton of fun, sneaky smart, and worlds better than the last vile television-show-from-my-childhood-turned-movie. Great start with a cool introduction of Liam Neeson's Hannibal and T's doppelganger engaging in some fisticuffs filmed with not so much a shaky camera but a blurry one. Then, you get some The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly-style name introductions. Pretty cool. There's Bradley Cooper again. That guy's got this special gift where he has this natural chemistry with anybody else on the screen with him. All four have it though. I don't remember the television show well enough to know if it did this, but I really liked how the action scenes were broken up by shots of Hannibal and the other three explaining the plan. This is alternately funny and action-packed, and even though things get a little too goofy at the end, the plot was pretty solid. I may have watched this twice at the motel, and I'll definitely look forward to seeing the sequel on the urine couch.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The Dukes of Hazzard

2005 idiocy

Rating: 3/20

Plot: See a synopsis for pretty much any of the television episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard but stretched into twice the length. Boss Hogg wants Jesse Duke's farm, Daisy Duke's got long legs and a vapid expression, and Bo and Luke drive their car around really fast. Honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk. (Now go back and read that again to "Wish I Was in Dixie."

The good ol' boys, according to Waylon Jennings, were never meanin' no harm, but I'm not completely convinced the makers of this film version of the television show weren't. Or were. Too many double negatives and too much time for me to spend in Hazzard County to figure out what I even typed there.

Here's the biggest issue that I have with this movie: Johnny Knoxville--a guy I like when he's lighting his balls on fire or shoving toy army soldiers into his anus; also, a guy with a charisma and natural charm and good looks that could have made him a star if he would have made better decisions--and Seann William Scott--a guy with not only too many first names but too many N's in one of them--recreate the Duke boys as really unlikable characters. The television cousins were rude but always retained some likability. You rooted for them even though they were breaking some rules because they were firmly on the good side. These Duke boys are impossible to root for. They're jerks. And really stupid. You'd expect a character played by Jessica Simpson to be stupid, but I don't remember the Duke boys being so dumb. Or maybe Bo was. I don't remember. Actually, there's not a single performance on this that I enjoyed. Jessica Simpson looks good enough. Just ask Gene Siskel's ghost's erection! Willie Nelson looks confused, almost like he's wondering how his career hit such dismal depths. Watching him on the little motel television set me made really sad. Burt Reynolds? He's obviously just showing up for the paycheck and isn't half the actor that the porcine Sorrell Booke. I mean that literally and figuratively. M.C. Gaines doesn't even attempt that "Goo-goo-goo" giggle that the great James Best's Rosco P. Coltrane had. They even found themselves a Waylon Jennings imitator. There's just no spark to these characters. They go through the motions, sort of look like the original characters, and get in the same car crashes. But they very obviously are not the same characters and this Hazzard County is not the same world that the television show created.

Or more than likely it is but desperately needed to be half the length that it was with a few commercial breaks. I need some breaks from all the car crashes. As it is, it's one of the most mind-numbing pieces of crap I've ever seen, and I really feel more dumber for spending time with it. My vote for most ridiculous moments: Anytime Bo Duke talks to his car. I half-expected there to be a Bo Duke/General Lee sex scene at some point. I would have given it a five point boost.

Sidebar: I was talking about this movie and t.v. show with a black friend of mine. My token black friend so that I can make a few racist remarks every now and then and defend myself by saying, "It's ok because I have a black friend." It's the same reason that I'm friends with a gay guy, a little person, and a Republican actually. And a mentally-challenged guy. They're my entourage. Anyway, this guy's about my age and talked about loving this show as a kid without having any idea that a racial undercurrent was there. I always wondered growing up whether this show had any black fans. My black friend (See? That almost makes me a better person just for typing that!) said he remembers a recurring black character on the original series, a guy who was always in the big city they would sometimes go to. He didn't have any lines though. I think there should have been an episode where Bo and Luke interact with some black guys. The scene would freeze as they stand face-to-face and Waylon Jennings would say, "Black guys? The Duke boys sure are in trouble now!" and then that banjo riff would play. It'd be the ultimate cliffhanger because black people are really really dangerous. And I can say that because I have a black friend.

I'd be surprised to find out that this movie had any fans, by the way.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Public Enemies

2009 gangsta movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: The John Dillinger story.

Did you know that John Dillinger's penis is in a jar in an Indiana museum? I remember going on a field trip with my fourth grade class (Indiana history was year) and my teacher pointed it out to us. "Look at the size of that penis!" she said. And it was impressive!

I didn't like this movie very much. Any movie that makes John Dillinger's penis seem dull is a poorly-made movie in my book. Or my blog.

To be completely fair, I had trouble staying awake during this one, and Gene Siskel's ghost kept nudging me awake and saying, "Psst! Penis!" to wake me up. Nothing I saw makes me want to stay awake if I ever get a chance to see this again though.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The Sunset Limited

2011 conversation

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A black guy stops a white guy's suicide by train and takes him to his apartment to discuss their philosophical differences. Black (that's his name--check the credits!) is a reformed criminal with a firm belief in a higher being; White (seriously, they don't get real names!) is a nihilist who sees the world as an unhappy place that he should just escape from.

I kind of liked this, but I didn't like-like it. Samuel L. Jackson is really terrific, giving a powerful performance as White. Or maybe he was Black. I don't know; Gene Siskel's ghost and I were arguing about that. Tommy Lee Jones, who also directed, isn't bad exactly, but he's kind of overshadowed by what Jackson (or maybe Jackson's character) is doing. The conversation, a darker My Dinner with Andre-esque stream of words, is philosophically interesting, but it lacks cohesion and doesn't make me feel like I've actually gained anything by eavesdropping on the two for an hour and a half. The biggest issue is it never really feels like an actual conversation as opposed to a couple actors sitting down and exchanging scripted verbosity. Yes, that's precisely what it is, but it should still feel natural, right? The problem might be that the two actors are so recognizable. Still, this is worth watching if you've got the time. I just wouldn't recommend it in the lobby at the motel where I work at 4:00 AM when you're already depressed because somebody took your couch away.

Urine Couch Sans Couch A.M. Movie Club: Twelve Monkeys

1995 simian treat

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Bruce Willis's head is sent back in time on a dare to see how many monkeys he can fit in his trousers. Or pants. Or whatever. Somehow, an Elvis impersonator and a pixie are involved, and some French guy gets shot at a train station. The pixie's got her hand down the front of Elvis's trousers AND pants (natch) and Brad Pitt can't stop giggling. They retire to something called a cold room. Bring on the dystopian funk!

All I know is that I show up to the hotel job and the urine couch is gone. No warning, no nothing. There are a pair of chairs in its place, but they just don't suffice because Gene likes to cuddle. The chairs just aren't the same, but I can get paid to do nothing while sitting on any piece of furniture and don't care all that much.

La Jetee's probably better although it doesn't have wacky Brad Pitt. Heady sci-fi with maestro Gilliam turning all his funhouse mirrors upside down. Bruce Willis's butt is in there somewhere, Mom, and I'm pretty sure during this stage of his career, that was in his contract. Honestly, I need to see this again again because I had trouble keeping my eyes open in the new chair. I'm having a tough time keeping my eyes open right now, too.

OK, this is now the next night. I believe I fell asleep soon after typing that sentence about not being able to keep my eyes open. It's either that or a criminal from 2030 or whenever traveled back in time and erased my post.

OK, it's the next night again. I think I might have African Sleeping Sickness. It's really getting in the way of me meeting my number one goal: meeting all of my goals.

I think I'm going to have a Terry Gilliam movie marathon some time and watch all of his movies back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back, even the bad ones. I'm also going to make a spreadsheet and keep track of all of the nouns that end up in his script and see what statistical data I can come up with.

I'm really bummed about the couch. Somebody mentioned during the funeral that the guy from corporate did not approve. Good bye, couch. May you rest eternally in a urine-soaked heaven. Maybe some day I'll see you again if people and couches are allowed to interact in heaven.

Eric Clapton needs to write a song about that!

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Psycho

1998 remake

Rating: 4/20 (Sam: 10/20)

Plot: Same as the first Psycho. But you should actually just do yourself a favor, Anne Heche, and see the original Psycho instead.

First off, I need somebody to explain to me why this exists. A shot-for-shot color (TV movie color) remake of a classic with an inferior cast? Who asked for this? Was it an experiment to see how you could put the same story and even identical imagery into the hands of a director who isn't nearly as good and end up with crap?

Had to watch it though, mostly because of the added fun of watching in there on the Urine Couch of the motel. Same reason I'd watch a Gus Van Sant remake of Vertigo if I had a job in a belfry, a Gus Van Sant remake of Lifeboat if I happened to be stranded on a raft with a Nazi, or a Gus Van Sant remake of Strangers on a Train if I operated a carousel at a cheap and filthy carnival. They're opportunities that you just can't pass up. Sam hung round for the duration, and Siskel got all pissy because he was in his seat.

The shot-for-shot remake idea is silly enough, but good ol' Gus didn't want to seem lazy and did add a few of his own personal touches, all extraneous and distracting. I did appreciate that the funky-looking falling-down-the-stairs-backwards scene was replicated with William H. Macy because that's just awesome Somebody should fall down the stairs like that in every movie. But the neon pink blood taking the place of Hitchcock's chocolate syrup? What's with that? The surreal random shots of naked people and sheep during Macy's death scene? Don't get me wrong--I can almost always be counted on the "pro" side when it comes to adding sheep to a movie, but I'm missing some symbolism or something here.

Here's some confusing trivia for you: Anne Heche, the Marion for this updated version, had never seen the original Psycho. OK, I can believe that. But the cinematographer, Christopher Doyle? I'm sorry, and maybe I'm being too hard on Mr. Doyle, but that just doesn't seem right. Think about it: a cinematographer who has never seen Hitchcock's Psycho? Isn't that something like being a roofer without ever having seen a roof or a baker without ever having tasted a cake? You don't have to answer that. It's a hypothetical question, and I'm right anyway.

Vince Vaughn? The only thing I can think of is that Vince Vaughn's uncle helped finance this movie.

You know what Gus Van Sant should do next? A shot-for-shot remake (in black and white) of The Cat in the Hat. Vince Vaughn can be in that. So can Anne Heche's nipples.

Seriously, didn't everybody involved in this have something better to do with his or her time? Gus could have made himself another gay movie. Anne Heche could have been doing some serious lesbianing. Vince Vaughn could have been training for a job as a roofer or a master baker. William H. Macy could have really been falling down a flight of stairs. Any project they decided to take on would have ended up being better than this--one of the most worthless motion pictures of all time.

Uncle Alfred does not approve one bit:

Urine Couch Movie Club: Forrest Gump

1994 retarded man movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Terminally dumb guy Forrest Gump, habitually in the right historical place at the right historical time, bumbles his way through a few tumultuous decades of America. He meets presidents, becomes a war hero, starts a successful shrimp business, hooks up with the hot drug addict who just so happens to be his childhood sweetheart, and runs a lot. It's all mildly entertaining.

There are tons of things that I really like about this movie. I like the cynical look at the American landscape during the 60s-80s, and there are a lot of funny moments. Robert Zemeckis, when he's not busy giving innocent children terrifying nightmares with those creepy cartoons he's currently unleashing, is real good at creating that artificial movie magic. Most of the credit comes from the special effects wizardry of putting the titular retard in archival footage of presidents or removing Lt. Dan's legs. But the delicate floatings of a bookend feather, the too-clean Hollywoody Vietnam scenes, and the period details are also very well done. I always thought this meandered a little too much and seemed thematically or satirically uneven, but then I read the book which has Gump in outer space and shit which makes the film version seem simple and straightforward by comparison. Great performances from top to bottom. I never really thought Tom Hanks deserved that second Oscar for this performance, but he really does a good job at humanizing this character who could have easily been ruined by a Jim Carrey. I believe this is the first time I ever noticed Gary Sinese, and I liked the depth and arc of his character. This is bursting with music, undoubtedly an attempt to make crusty old hippies all nostalgic. Overall, it's a movie that I can like without really crossing the line into loving territories because it just goes too far too often, yanking at heartstrings like a demented harpist and stretching a character just a little too thin. My favorite part: when young Forrest is running and his leg braces break off. It would have been better if the technical geniuses responsible for giving Clark those rubbery legs in Superman would have done their thing. Pulp Fiction should have won the Best Picture, by the way.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Almost Famous

2000 coming-of-age rock and roller

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Underaged wannabe rock journalist William stumbles into the opportunity of a lifetime--a chance to follow around and interview up-and-coming rock 'n' roll monsters Stillwater. He meets a groupie called Penny Lane (apparently that's a song by the Beach Boys or something) and a friendship develops while he struggles to get the sit-down interview he wants with the band members so that he can turn in his story on time. He turns to Lester Bangs for advice.

I think I really like this movie so much because of its honesty. Writer/director Cameron Crowe based this on his own experiences, and it really has the feel of a memoir more than a Hollywood movie. It helps that the performances from top to bottom are so good, especially with Patrick Fugit as the kid, a role that Bud Cortt would have probably fit in nicely, Frances McDormand as his concerned mother (she is really really good, especially when pointing out the drug's in Paul Simon's eyes), Billy Crudup as Stillwater's frontman, and Philip Seymour Hoffman as Bangs. And Kate Hudson playing Drew Barrymore or vice versa. I can't see Kate Hudson without thinking of Goldie Hawn's posterior, by the way, which I imagine is the way most men's brains operate. But back to that realness--this never feels scripted to me, and the actions and growing pains of that fictional rock band ring true. Fugit's like a straight man to the shenanigans of the more interesting characters, but his character's still the heart of the story and I like how he develops throughout. I also like Fugit's chemistry with everybody else in this movie--his mother, the girl, the Stillwater guitarist. Almost Famous has a lot of humor and heart, and when you add a great soundtrack to this well-paced story, you've got yourself a winner.

Note: A Urine Couch movie club viewing that was heavily interrupted by customers and Gene Siskel's faulty ghost bladder. Maybe get yourself a medium Pepsi next time, Gene?

Another thing: First of two movies with Zooey Deschanel that I watched on the Urine Couch, breaking my previous record of zero.

Urine Couch Movie Club: Rope

1948 rope movie

Rating: 18/20

Plot: Brandon and Philip (possibly gay) strangle one of their peers with the titular murder weapon and then hide his body in a trunk while throwing a dinner party. Their old teacher Jimmy Stewart starts to get suspicious after one of them yells, "You're quite a good chicken strangler!"

That's such a great scene. The camera moves like on a metronome, bouncing from speaker to speaker. Actually the camera work in this thing is virtuosic and, for me at least, is at least half of the fun. What I love: Brandon (played by Orel Hershiser, I think) post-murder, his expression of unhinged contentment and the way he smokes his cigarette; the kitchen door swinging to reveal the rope dropped into a drawer; the opening of the curtain for the first super-crisp view of the city; the long shot of silent Jimmy at the tail end of that ridiculous chicken story; the camera movements during the "How would you kill David?" scene; the room filling with red neon at the end. Rope, with Hitchcock trying to trick us into thinking it's all a single shot, could have been as stiff as a staged play, but that camera movement and character choreography is so much fun. The Dostoevskian, nihilistic lead characters and their little game fascinate, and there's a lot of humor buried in the script if you look for it. The landlady's arrival, the "knock 'em dead" and "Why can't he keep his hands off people?" lines. As I recall, Hitchcock didn't like Jimmy's performance in this movie and Jimmy didn't like the movie at all. They're both wrong because Stewart is quietly great in this role (I really like watching him think in this movie) and it's definitely in the upper-echelon of Uncle Alfred's flicks.

Urine Couch note: I ended up giving a guy and his whore a room for 25 bucks because I could tell he was going to argue with me and make me miss more of this movie than I wanted to. My manager wasn't too happy about that.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Angels in the Outfield

1994 baseball movie for Christians

Rating: 7/20

Plot: A sad kid roots for his hopeless Angels while hoping his father will come back to spend time with him. God answers his prayers, probably because He knows this is a Disney movie that a lot of people could be seeing and he doesn't mind the free advertising.

The good news for this is that it's not nearly as bad or as offensive as Facing the Giants, the filthiest piece of religious propaganda that I hope to ever see. This doesn't have the heavy-handed religious message, probably since this was made by the Satanic Disney people instead of a Baptist church somewhere in the Bible Belt. It's still the type of movie that could make Jesus into an atheist since it's got writers who, like in the aforementioned Christian football movie, seem to believe that God cares about your sports team enough to answer prayers. Seriously, I've been trying that with my St. Louis Cardinals for years, and it just doesn't work. But again, this is more for entertainment and isn't nearly as dangerous as Facing the Giants or spending a half an hour with participants in an anti-abortion protest. It's got Tony Danza, too, so you know things can't all be bad. As a religious fanatic myself, I was only mildly offended. As a baseball fan, I was a little more offended. The baseball scenes were all pretty silly, and the special effects to make angels come to the aid of Angels looked pretty silly. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the white kid in this, not as much of a stretch as it would have been if he had played the black kid. The black kid is played by a real black kid named Milton Davis Jr. He's only been allowed to act in one other movie, 1997's Mad City, and I'm guessing that has something to do with him being one of the worst actors I've ever seen. There's creepy but otherwise banal conversation between the two children throughout this, the most sickening being when one asks if his dad and the other's mom are best friends in heaven. That nearly made the Urine Couch into a Vomit and Urine Couch! Lord have mercy!

I wonder what Alyssa Milano thinks of this movie and her dad's performance in it. If she likes it, I might have to reconsider my rating.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The Cat in the Hat

2003 worst movie ever candidate

Rating: 1/20

Plot: It's pretty close to what happens in the book as far as I remember, at least for the first half. The biggest difference is that this is complete ass.

This is an hour and a half of complete unpleasantness and in my humble opinion one of the worst movies ever made. If Alec Baldwin, a guy I like, wasn't in this, I'd go ahead and say that everybody involved in the production of this should be executed. Slowly. I'm not a violent man at all and rarely have violent thoughts, but I'd be glad to pull the trigger, yank the switch, jab the instrument, toss the match, or whatever else it takes to do my part in keeping people like this from ever working again. I've recently seen Shrek about two dozen times, and I think I figured out what's wrong with the movie. I can hear Mike Myers in Shrek's voice, and Mike Myers makes me think of this atrocity and I want everybody to die.

This is the second time I've seen The Cat in the Hat. Siskel wanted to watch it because he's got a thing for Kelly Preston, an actress I want dead. And the beginning made me wonder if I was wrong about this movie. It's a nifty colorful start, a cool little Seussian world, albeit one with one of the worst narrators I've ever heard. But within seconds, the whole thing is excruciatingly painful, a headache-inducing affair that offends the ears, the eyes, and somehow even the taste buds. And any reasonable adult's sensibilities, of course. It's equal parts offensive and obnoxious. The warning signs are all there, and if Gene wasn't there and if a tent wasn't pitched in my trousers following one of the sexiest scenes in the history of cinema involving the aforementioned Preston (my new sexual fantasy: Kelly Preston vacuuming me), I would have shut this thing off and tried my best to forget that it existed. It's similar to what I wish I could do with the Holocaust actually. But those warning signs: 1) Uh oh. Children. Bad acting ones at that. One's Dakota Fanning and the other is Spencer Breslin if you want to make some kind of hit list yourself. 2) Uh oh. A dog with too much personality. It's the lazy filmmaker's way of going for cuteness. 3) Uh oh. Go ahead and double up on that animals-with-personality thing with a talking CGI fish voiced by Sean Hayes who also plays the boss and has the annoying catchphrase "You're fiiiiiirrrrrrred-duh!" and who I would like to be dead.

The soundtrack is relentless. David Newman--the guy you get when you can't afford Randy, I'm guessing--has a score-composing philosophy: every single thing that appears on the screen needs to be punctuated with music. The music is constant, highlighting the crap.

Not bad enough? Well, let's add a little cultural stereotyping. Actually, no. Let's add a ton of cultural stereotypes. And speaking of cultural stereotypes, why does the titular cat sound like an old Jewish woman through the movie? That's when he's not imitating the Kool-aide man with the big catchphrase from the film, the one that was supposed to sell Burger King kid meals or put asses in the theater seats--"Oh yeah!" C'mon, writers. Is that the best you can do? Oh yeah? Of course that beats the babysitter pun (something a three-year-old could have come up with--"She sits on babies?") or the "Oh my cod!" line or the hilarious "dirty ho" gag. Oh yeah! All while the cat uses more props than "comedian" Carrot Top. Only Carrot Top is funnier, and that's a sentence I never ever thought I would write. And just when you think the movie can't get any more annoying, they surprise you by throwing in Thing 1 and Thing 2. You know, cause the movie wasn't nearly loud enough before.

You want references to the penis or testicles, farts and belching used for laughs, urine gags, thinly-veiled allusions to sex, or characters on more than one occasion saying "Son of a _____"? This is the movie for you. You can watch this trash with your kid and then wonder why all your kid's teachers hate his guts.

There's a scene in this movie where the cat is hanging from a tree and kids are hitting him because they think he's a pinata. I don't remember for sure, but I'd guess they hit him right in the nutsack because that's the type of thing Dr. Seuss would have thought was hilarious. I wish there would have been some kind of Brandon Lee-type mishap where Mike Myers was beaten to death during the filming of that scene. It would have been a worthy punishment.

This is the worst Dr. Seuss adaptation, and that is saying quite a bit. It's not only that, it's an absolute insult to the writer. Why spend this much money making something that made me want to gouge out my eyes? Wouldn't it have been a lot cheaper just to drive to Dr. Seuss's grave and urinate on it?

And Alec Baldwin? What are you doing? Nice suit, by the way.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Love Liza

2002 hilarious downer

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Wilson somnabulates through the days following his wife's shocking suicide. In order to grab life by the proverbial horns once again, he decides to develop a hobby--huffing gasoline. In order to cover for his new addiction, he decides to pretend to fly model airplanes. Meanwhile, he clutches a sealed suicide note from his wife and is confronted by his mother-in-law.

This is one of those quirkily drifting sort of deeply-downbeat comedies, a funny-on-inside-of-the-inside character study of a grief-stricken half-man, similar to a Greenberg or a Punch-Drunk Love and therefore will not appeal to a wide audience. The soundtrack, this time provided by the great Jim O'Rourke, is even very similar. I actually thought the movie was pretty funny, but the laughs definitely didn't come comfortably. Philip Seymour Hoffman is the heart and soul of this movie, and spends its duration doing his Philip Seymour Hoffman thang. He's just got the dejected look and a crackly dejection in his everyday speaking voice that makes him perfect for this sort of role. The performance is moving, but he understands the humor in the role very well, too. I really was moved by the moving and the ending, one of those that I don't reckon would be entirely satisfying to a lot of folks. This is a painful comedy, and although I wouldn't recommend it to everybody, I'd recommend unequivocally to anybody who likes any of those other movies I mentioned up there.

Like watching an Indiana Jones movie in a theater, watching this alone (Gene Siskel's ghost was outside hanging out with a portly prostitute) in the middle of the night on the urine couch made this a more stunning experience than it might have otherwise been. I kind of settled on the 16/20 here.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Appaloosa

2008 Western

Rating: 12/2o

Plot: A crappy Western town is oppressed by a mustachioed rancher and his gang of dirty thugs. A sheriff and his deputy with a good track record for taking care of this sort of business is brought in to clean things up. Renee Zellweger takes the train in to ruin the movie and get in the way of Sheriff Cole getting his job done.

After an intriguing exposition and the introduction of Jeremy Irons, an actor who sells it so well with little more than body language and a mustache, as a really cool villain, this loses steam very quickly and settles for being nothing more than a carbon copy of seemingly every other modern Western, one that isn't gritty or realistic or emotionally deep enough to make me not wish I was watching a Spaghetti Western instead. I've previously mentioned how bored I get whenever Ed "One-Note" Harris is on the screen, but at least he doesn't make me angry like whenever Renee Zellweger is around making those flatulent chipmunk faces at me. There's not a single moment in this movie that doesn't involve Jeremy Irons' hips that I will likely remember. This movie never clicks, as content as cardboard, a hoarse request for dirty water in a filthy saloon.

My movie idea: Any setting, any genre, any director. This could be a sci-fi Western set on a moon of Jupiter directed by any of your no-name Hollywood or Bollywood directors. All I want is a two-hour film in which Renee Zellweger gets beaten with a shovel, preferably by DJ Qualls. In 3-D!

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: American Splendor

2003 movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The real life and comic life of the very real Harvey Pekar, author of the American Splendor comics that R. Crumb illustrated, collide in a multimedia presentation.

This is a brilliantly layered movie with some stunning transformative performances from Paul Giamatti, Hope Davis, and Judah Friedlander. I dig the playfulness of this one, the twisting of reality, the meandering metafilm technique, the weaving in and out of documentary and narrative. American Splendor is a fun and completely unique biopic that makes you laugh and wonder, taking jabs at the absurdities of human existence. I really like it.

But I would really like to write about something else that happened during this Urine Couch AM Movie Club. About a half hour after I got to work, a transvestite, one of our guests, waltzed in. He had a wig, layers and layers of make-up, a nice blouse, a very short black skirt, these sexy fishnet stocking things, and some black high heels. I know what you're thinking, too. Man, Shane really checked this guy out. Yeah, and what's your point? He asked for a new room key and then sashayed out for what I assumed would be a glamorous evening. Around four-thirty in the morning, he/she came in. I was watching this and heard the ice machine in the room behind me. I peeked through the door and saw that it was my transvestite friend again. He got his ice (I can only imagine what he's using it for) and then walked into the lobby to ask when I'm putting our luxurious continental breakfast out--a few "Manager's Special" doughnuts, some coffee, napkins. I tell him that I usually do that after my movies have ended but offer him the rest of yesterday's doughnuts. He took two stale doughnuts and thanked me. "Man, thank you so much. I just don't have any money right now." He high-heeled out again, and I sat down to enjoy more American Splendor. Fifteen minutes later, he came back with a shrink-wrapped pornographic dvd. He flashed both sides at me and said, "Hey, do you know anybody who would be interested in buying this for five dollars?" I apologized and told him that I didn't.

I found out the next day that he refused to leave. He told our front desk person that she was going to have to call the police because he wasn't going anywhere.