Movies A-Go-Go: Armageddon

1998 blockbuster

Rating: 11/20

Plot: An asteroid is heading straight for earth, so a ragtag team of drillers are sent in shuttles to blow the fucking thing up and save humanity.

Ah! I finally settled on a name for my stream-of-conscious type-as-I-watch posts--Movies A-Go-Go! Do you like it?

Before I copy/paste what my thoughts while watching this, I thought I'd share a couple things from the imdb trivia section that amused me.

1) Steve Buscemi was asked why he was even in this movie. One answer--he wanted a bigger house. Another had to do with getting to play a more heroic character rather than the slimy guys he usually plays.

2) Bay says he was aware that there were a lot of science errors in this but left them in because the audience doesn't know any better. And he's right, so who are we going to blame for Armageddon--Bay or the masses?

3) Ben Affleck was talking to Bay about how it would probably be easier to train astronauts how to drill rather than train drillers how to astronaut, and he was told to shut up.

Ok, here we go. Movie A-Go-Go!

This just feels scientifically accurate--a voiceover and you can trust. [Edit: I thought that was Charlton Heston! He IS a guy who can be trusted!]

The title screen explodes! Because if it didn’t, people would wonder if Michael Bay was OK.

Billy Bob Thornton: “I’ll give you a buffalo nickel if you’ll calm down just a little bit.” I was pretty sure a buffalo nickel was fecal matter. Regardless, this is the type of line that can only be spoken by Billy Bob Thornton as a NASA employee.

Random couple, Carl and Dottie [John Mahon and Grace Zabriskie]…”Get me my telephone book!” You should always keep your telephone book by your enormous telescope, by the way. Lesson learned. These two aren't overacting at all, by the way. If they're not in the movie much, I want either a sequel or a prequel that focuses on their relationship.

Now random New York people. Wow, this city seems louder pre-9/11. Glad that dog somehow survived being hit by an asteroid. The narrator at the beginning probably thinks he should have died.

[Edit: Speaking of 9/11:

Yikes.]

That destruction! There goes the Chrysler Building! And that taxi driver keeps saying, "Whoa!" Like, that's all he can say. I wonder if it was scripted or if he was trying to get Michael Bay to slow down.

I’m sorry, but I can’t buy Billy Bob Thornton as a real human being in this. But “It’s a big-ass sky” and “the size of basketballs and Volkswagons and stuff” make him fun.

“We’ve got to come up with something realistic here!” And “This is as real as it gets.” Just keep telling yourself that, script.

This isn’t wasting any time. Even character development involves big music and Bruce Willis shooting at the new Batman.

“Basically the worst parts of the Bible.” I just love how Thornton's taking this all so seriously. I have to say that I do appreciate the humor in this screenplay. It keeps things lively.

“Sir, FBI.” 

“No thanks.” 

I don't know how that line would come from somebody who isn't Steve Buscemi. Loved it there though.

I like this rounding up the crew montage to the Beatles “Come Together,” but why are they all all off the rig? Hasn't it been just a few hours?

“A bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun."

Fichtner, on the scene! And his first line is “Talk about the wrong stuff," a line he delivered like he’s been waiting for years to say it.

Uh oh. A pretty woman astronaut--Bruce Willis is probably going to hit that. Be careful, Bruce, because women astronauts are apparently crazy. [Edit: Totally wrong about this one!]

The shuttle travel might suck Steve Buscemi’s eyes into the back of his head? For Buscemi, that might make his eyes seem normal.

NASA doesn’t take chances? That doesn’t seem historically accurate.

Pervy Bruce Willis watching Ben Affleck suck at his daughter’s back...those sound effects have to be added, and if so, it’s inappropriate. Michael Bay: "I want Affleck's slurping noises to be as loud as my explosions!"

[Edit: But wait! It gets grosser:]

Shot with the crew leaving the NASA place with half of them hanging out the window like dogs. I know they haven’t seen the outside in several months. . .oh, wait. It’s been a few days.

Owen Wilson’s prayer...that's all I have to say about that. [Edit: Man, I did like the cast here. Bruce Willis, action superstar. Michael Clarke Duncan, large black man. Buscemi, weasel. Stormare, badass. Owen Wilson, guy who makes every character he plays seem like a stoner. Fichtner, another badass. Thornton, guy who can get away with talking about buffalo nickels.]

This soundtrack is oppressive, especially when Ben Affleck is on the screen. And now we’re talking about animal crackers. “Baby, do you think anybody else in the world is doing this very same thing at this same moment?” Umm...the answer to that is no. Nobody else is using animal crackers as some kind of weird foreplay. Nobody has EVER done that.

Bruce Willis’s grandpa...hey, it's Laurence Tierney. With something very distracting on his head! Why aren't they sending him up to space? Surely he's not going to be in this movie for just this one scene. [Edit: Yep. One scene.]

South Pacific villlage destruction, I realize, was probably very expensive, but that probably could have been cut. It looked cheap and about as fake as miniatures being annihilated in a Godzilla movie.

Michael Clarke Duncan had a beautiful singing voice. What a wonderful musical moment there. “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane” has never hit me that emotionally.

The montage during the president’s speech lays it on so thick. He says the title of the movie and we get shots of regular folk. But wait, I thought they were trying to keep this a secret. I must have missed something while typing this crap.

More laying it on thick: big American flag behind Bruce Willis. And there’s Liv Tyler with a big American flag behind her. America!

“Can you make mine really tight because I don’t want to fall out.” Owen Wilson's got the best lines in here. And his character--obviously high.

Aren’t these space shuttles a little too close together? This could be the end of the movie right here. I don’t know much about the space program, but I think these people just broke the record for most space shuttles launched at once.

Wait, did they just say that a “little off” Peter Stormare has been in a space station for 11 years? “I can feel I’m having gravity!” Oh, boy. This is about to get good!

Space station scene, filmed with camera angles to capture the disorientation. See, Michael Bay knows what he’s doing.

I think Peter Stormare is wearing a t-shirt that says “Cock” on it. [Edit: Never got a good look at that. I did just Google Image "Peter Stormare cock" without thinking and, probably luckily, didn't find anything.] And now he’s only been there for 18 months, so I feel better for the guy. 

“Don’t touch my uncle!”

The hot woman astronaut: Check your hoses. I’ve been checking mine, lady! I check every time you're on the screen. [Jessica Steen, by the way. I don't know her, but I'm still shocked Bruce Willis's character didn't hit that.]

“I’m not leaving without AJ!” Of course, you’re not, Bruce Willis. And this scene is ridiculously stupid. Icicles? That doesn’t quite seem scientific.

Shot of a coffee cup breaking….this montage work is as important as Eisenstein's in Battleship Potemkin. This editing--dizzying.

Well, the asteroid looks silly, covered in a layer of tiny icicles.

Steve Buscemi: “Because I’m a genius!” I love Steve Buscemi, but I’m having trouble buying that his character is a genius in this movie.

A hand reaching through burning debris! Ben Affleck emotionally screaming at the loss of a colleague. Two more cliches I can check off my blockbuster Bingo sheet!

Wait, did they just machine gun the drill car out of the shuttle? Why would they have a giant machine gun with them?

QUIT SHOUTING AT ME, BEN AFFLECK!

“This has turned into a surrealistic nightmare!” Was J.J. Abrams responsible for that line?

"The override--it’s been overridden."

Willis/Fichtner conversation: “Do you swear on your daughter’s life?” says Fitchner, all drooly. Willis answers, "I will make 800 feet. I swear to God I will.” This is a well-written movie when it's trying to be funny. When it's not? Not so much.

Red or blue wires?  Another blockbuster cliche! I'm one away from a Bingo!

Buscemi Slim-Pickening that bomb...if I were a woman, I’d be damp.

They're going to fucking ramp a canyon. And if Stormare's out of this thing, I might be, too!

OK, he survived, but now he’s SCREAMING AT ME, TOO!

Gargoyle watching the Eiffel Tower go--that had to be in the trailer.

When Thornton asks Tyler, if she thinks he can drill 250 feet in an hour, I finally get the subtext! This movie’s all about fathers giving away their daughters to be drilled, proverbially, by the Ben Afflecks of the world. [Edit: Obviously, this idea isn't fully developed here, but this is most definitely what the movie's about. Phallic spaceships, numerous references to drilling, the father character dying, an ending that features a wedding. It's obvious, isn't it?]

God, I hope they find oil on this asteroid! It's the only thing that would make sense at this point.

Second astronaut fist pump from Bruce Willis. How come we didn’t see Buzz Aldrin do that?

Speaking of Buzz, which of these characters do you think was the first to shit on an asteroid? Or, which viewer of Armageddon was the first to shit on his couch while watching this?

More science I don’t understand, possibly showing that I’m just not smart enough to even be watching this movie: Why is everything exploding? Mini-asteroids hitting big asteroids cause explosions? Would there be fires or explosions on an asteroid anyway?

Oh, no! They’re drawing straws! I wonder what’s going to happen!

This father/son moment...pretty God-damned touching.

Stormare eyeroll...he’s got to save the day again. And then his solution is angrily hitting the space shuttle innards with a giant wrench. I’m kind of surprised this depiction of Russians didn’t start up the Cold War again.

There’s another flag.

"Harry doesn’t know how to fail." And neither does America!

Oh, thank God! Will Patton’s son likes him now! 

The Patton son-hugging is touching, and the wedding puts a nice happy cap on this story, but I wanted this to end in the only logical way it could have ended--Peter Stormare having his way with five or six women at once.

What a dumb piece of entertainment. I feel dumber having watched it and even dumber for kind of liking it.