Best One-and-Done Performance
Sometimes, an actor or director bursts onto the scene for one magical moment in movies, does his or her thing to perfection, knows that he or she can never ever top the performance, and then is never heard of again. This award is for those people.
Petey Wheatstraw has two such actors, both nominated for other awards. G. Tito Shaw was the devil, and Bryan L. Roquemore delivered some terrible child acting in one of the worst death scenes of all time.
There’s Mavis Washington who does a great job as a female player on an otherwise-male team in Fast Break.
Rima Kutner is The Black Klansman; the aforementioned Charlie the Chimpanzee from Nukie; and Ricky Roach, the “first lover” in Black Devil Doll from Hell; and George Barry from Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.
The Creeping Terror was, for reasons that I don’t think can be explained, Vic Savage’s only venture into filmmaking.
The saddest case might be Gareth Carrivick who directed the delightful FAQ About Time Travel, his only movie before his death.
This award’s going to another sad case though. Mike Jittlov, the guy from The Wizard of Speed and Time, should have gotten more opportunities to let his light shine. Hollywood needs that kind of creativity.
Director Andy Sidaris as a pervy and sleazy RV driver in Malibu Express and Jay Jackson, Perd Hapley in Fast Five were both good.
Got to give it to my main man Buster Keaton for his too-brief appearance in It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.
The Tootie (Most Offensive Child Acting)
Vidal Peterson, Simon in Wizards of the Lost World; Bryan L. Roquemore, Larry, a kid who gets an incredibly bad death scene in Petey Wheatstraw; Brandon Angle in his only role as Stevie in Hollywood Cop; Major Dodson, Nic Cage’s mentally-challenged son in Left Behind; Natasha Ryan, Jenny in The Day Time Ended; Chris O’Neil or Rhiannon Leigh Wryn, both terrible in The Last Mimzy; Kerry MacLane, from Johnny Got His Gun.
All bad performances, but the most painful child acting goes to the entire cast of Not Just Another Christmas Movie. It’s quite possible the worst ensemble cast I’ve ever seen, so they’ll have to share this year’s Tootie.
The “You’re No Chuck Norris” Award (Worst Action Hero)
James Mitchum could almost have this award named after him. Bad Movie Clubbers enjoyed watching him get his action hero on in Raiders of the Magic Ivory this year.
Mithun Chakraborty, the guy who plays Shankar, our hero from Gunda, is like a mash-up of Indian Elvis or Indian Jeff Goldblum. How’s he not winning this?
David Goss, who plays “Turkey” in Hollywood Cop, has no business being seen in a film doing anything actiony.
Peter Hodgins is “Fantasy Man,” a superhero character in one of the ABC’s of Death shorts.
And Ramon Revilla, demon-clad and dumpy, makes a ridiculous-looking hero in The Killing of Satan.
But if you see Road to Revenge, you know why it’s John De Hart who’s taking the “You’re No Chuck Norris” Award this year. It’s an action performance that makes you embarrassed for the guy. Of course, he does sing that “Shimmy Slide” song which would be enough to make Chuck Norris shit himself.
Speaking of Shit--The Best Movie Moment Featuring Fecal Matter and/or Piss
The golden shower in Jodorowsky’s Dance of Reality wins because the urine contained healing powers and was therefore uplifting. However, a close second would have to be where a guy takes a dump on another guy’s windshield in an act of road rage in. And a far distant third would be any of the numerous poop jokes in the dreadful Vacation.
Best Depiction of a Mentally-Challenged Character
Devon Graye in 13 Sins, a deliriously bad acting performance. You just have to love a performance that is so bad that it winds up becoming politically incorrect.
It might seem impossible to beat out Klaus Kinski from Timestalkers or Jon Voight from Karate Dog, but there’s only one villain I know with a bitchin’ mustache and a weird habit of drawing out the words at the ends of his sentences, so it’s my new favorite actor Mukesh Rishi from Gunda who wins this awaaaaaaaaaard. (Nobody will get this. Why do I keep doing this kind of shit?)
Things I Learned from Movies This Year
Ice cream cones are gay.
The future will contain comically-large eyebrows.
What happens to a man when semen gets backed up and goes into the brain.
You can drive from Vietnam to Miami by truck.
All sorts of things about the KKK from The Black Klansman
You’ll get 14,200 results from Googling “Bill Paxton douche bag.”
An ATM can’t malfunction and shower people with cash--the only unrealistic part of the entire Fast and the Furious franchise.
So much from Jodorowsky’s Dune
The Confederacy would have won the war if Lee had had a motorcycle.
Frequence has the movie record for most shots of things falling in slow motion (97).
Just about everybody who works at the post office is an alien.
The word “fuck” was around in 1000 AD.
Smurfs are asexual.
Alec Baldwin has two natural states--one where he’s about to burst into laughter and one where he’s angry.
Lollapalooza’s still around.
Best Movie Insults
Coon ass prick
Cocksuckers, but only when Jack Nicholson says it in his Jimmy Hoffa voice
Diseased rhinoceros pizzle
A dwarf reaching for the moon
A bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun
You wooden-headed bastard
Saucy, sheep-biting flat-mouthed dewberry
Daintish beetle-headed foot-licker
My Greatest Ideas or Claims
There’s got to be a “codpiece rule” in every contract Malcolm McDowell signs.
Thrual should be a word.
I should have won a Pulitzer for my Teen Wolf review.
Harold Lloyd and Josephine the Monkey likely had sexual relations.
My blog is my legacy and will keep me from being forgotten for a long time.
Seeing Paddington in the theater would have likely gotten me arrested for “Pee Wee Herman atrocities.”
The John Wick sequel will likely be a remake of A Boy and His Dog.
Fred Savage and Joey Cramer are the same person.
Ron Perlman’s had a prosthetic head in every movie he’s ever been in.
Disney people are a bunch of pussies for not showing mangled feet and blood smearing the glass slippers.
Roger Waters owes me an apology.
What was the first cinematic fart joke? (Note: I researched. Blazing Saddles is credited, but Cold Turkey apparently beat it by three years.)
Sea Monkeys: The Movie
The Hairy Hands of Orlac
Either Eddie Murphy or Arsenio Hall should play me in a movie about trivia night at a bar.
Saving Mrs. Banks is a movie about somebody trying to help Glynis Jones get out of Nukie.
Sam Elliott on a tauntaun would have saved Gettysburg.
The Island of Dr. Moreau 2: Look at Him!
Somewhere in Time 2, a sequel where a guy travels back in time with two suits to one-up Christopher Reeve’s character
Secretary 2: Age of Ultron
RE: Medicine cabinets--do people really snoop in medicine cabinets in real life or does it just happen in movies?
Naked wine stomping in Seconds, just loads of hippie boobs
Brigitte Bardot, although strangely underwhelming in Don Juan If Don Juan Was a Woman. But come on. It’s Brigitte Bardot.
Two women standing awkwardly with covered breasts in I Am Here….Now.
Katherine Waterston in Inherent Vice.
Alicia Vikander’s reverse stripping in Ex Machina
Dianna Lund’s tubby time in Elves
If you couldn’t have predicted that Scarlett Johansson was going to win this for what she did in Under the Skin, you just don’t know my boner very well. It’s quite possibly my favorite nude scene ever.
The random naked cowboy guy in Fatal Deviation, an Irish kung-fu movie might ordinarily win, but this one belongs to Judge Reinhold’s ass, in Zandalee memorable to me only because of an IMDB user’s rant about it on the message board. “You seriously can’t see anything wrong with his ass? It’s like not there. His legs just go into his back with some kind of separation. I’m surprised he can walk. Excellent screen shots though. They will allow for others to weigh in on the subject. Thanks.” [Note: Capitalization and punctuation partially mine.]
Best Masturbation Scene
We’re still doing this one? Yes? Ok, if you say so. . .
There were so many good ones this year!
4 guys and 1 pizza to “The Blue Danube Waltz” in Wetlands
Laurence R. Harvey in a post-credits scene for the ABC’s of Death sequel. “How am I going to wank to that?”
The mom vibrator scene in The Babadook
George Lucas’s personal masturbation machine used in THX 1138
Joan Allen, cinematically safely pleasuring herself as Betty Parker in Pleasantville, made better with an explosive tree bonus
Kevin Spacey--twice! Once, dejectedly, in the shower. Another time while lying next to his wife. We’ve all been there, Kevin Spacey. We’ve definitely all been there.
The Wank Award is going to Bitchy the Wookiee with the Holographic Wow in the Star Wars Holiday Special. C3PO probably said it best: “Let the Wookiee masturbation win.”
Best Sex Scene
Another almost impossible one to award because there are so many stellar candidates!
There’s the operatic sounds of ecstasy in Jodorowsky’s Dance of Reality, William Hickey in The Telephone Book, catfish cunnilingus in Uncle Boonmee Can Recall His Past Lives, net sex in Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice, hot animal cracker foreplay in Armageddon, a dog and a stuffed duck going at it in Click, John Leguizamo making a sandwich in Chef, Tim Robbins with a ridiculous wig doing the deed in High Fidelity, the fake old people having their way with trash cans in Trash Humpers, the nurse hand-job in Johnny Got His Gun, and the caveman sex scene (with exploding birds, naturally) in Birdemic 2.
There’s no way it can’t be Black Devil Doll from Hell.
Hanzo the Razor leaves a penis impression in wood in one of the weirdest training sequences you’ll ever see in a movie, Brolin going at a banana treat confection in Inherent Vice is penis enough for most people, and Malcolm McDowell actually talks to his in Get Crazy. But I’m going to have to give this award to Roger Daltry’s 10-foot erection in Lisztomania.
Things That I Wrote That Would Annoy My Wife If She Read My Blog
My continued infatuation with Scarlett Johansson
Francoise Dorleac and her sex aloofness in Cul-De-Sac
My desire to try net sex like in Hanzo
The description of Nicole Kidman as statuesque and stunning as a villain in Paddington
That I made love to a movie
Joanna Newsom and how I fell in love with her because of her narration in Inherent Vice
That I said she was an Adam Sandler fan
Infatuation with Belinda Bauer
I would sleep with Kris Krisofferson if he came over and asked just because of his work in Convoy
I fell in love with Rachel McAdams’ character in About Time at the same time the character did
That I have a thing for Catherine Zeta-Jones
I masturbated during Battlefield Earth.
I might have gotten a little turned on when Godzilla teabagged Gigan and Spiky Guy and Ghidorah were necking
Infatuation with Carrie Fisher
More Rachel McAdams--this time, a mention of her posterior
The news that I would be willing to have sex with a robot
Katie Aselton’s voice in a phone call is arousing.
That I watched that Naked Fear movie only because I knew it would be about a woman running around outside naked
That she reminds me of Anita Fellenberg but only because she plays a character who never gets out of bed
My desire to see Evangeline Lilly in a tight superheroine costume
My desire to see a Don Knotts/Buddy Hackett sex scene
Wishing I could do nothing but dance in my house with an 83-year-old Barrie Chase
Being upset over not seeing Elizabeth Banks’ backside in the tight pants she wore in Love and Mercy
Nicole Kidman fawning during Eyes Wide Shut...actually, a great deal of Eyes Wide Shut actually
I’d be interested in having sex with a woman just because her last name was Pickles.
The obsession with Rebecca Ferguson’s legs
I love my wife very much.