Before we get to the awards portion of this four-part end-of-year extravaganza, here are some statistics:
This year, I watched 298 movies, and five of those were in the movie theater. I took a 2+ month hiatus to concentrate on writing something else that never happened, and only watched bad movies and Mission: Impossible movies during that time.
The most-used rating this year was 14/20 with 41. I believe that’s the first time that 15 or 16 hasn’t been the most. There were a pair of 20/20’s (both movies that I had previously seen), and no 1/20 ratings although I can’t imagine why I thought some of these movies deserved a 2/20.
The average rating this year was a 12.2. I didn’t calculate this last year, and I probably shouldn’t have this year, but that is the lowest average I’ve had since I’ve been doing this. I’m always amazed that the average falls between 12-13.
I’m most proud of two things this year:
- The transition from one-paragraph write-ups to multiple-paragraph write-ups. That was based on a mean-spirited tip from a real flesh ‘n’ blood author.
- Naming my stream-of-consciousness write-about-’em-as-I-watch-’em special features (Movies-A-Go-Go) which have become extremely popular.
Movies I did not finish: Just one--Joe Dirt. I lasted 3 minutes and 42 seconds and then wrote about it anyway.
And here's a look ahead--I'm not sure how long I'm going to continue doing this blog (I'm crazy for doing it this long!), but this year, I should pass blog entry #3,000 and soon after write about my 3,000th movie on this blog. It's too difficult for me to figure out how many entries are non-movie entries (lists, old news posts that I moved to hidden places, repeats), but 2016 will definitely have a 3,000th new movie write-up somewhere.
And that just helps prove that one man can waste an awful lot of time.
The Billy Curtis Award
Keeping with tradition, the first award is for Best Performance by a Little Person, an award named after a little fellow who’s never even won.
Danny DeVito was good in both Hoffa and Death to Smoochy, the latter in which he was mustachioed.
Danny Woodburn as Angelo Pike, a Rhinette/Krinkle Kid in Death to Smoochy
Michael Fontaine, an excellent diminutive fake-bearded wizard named Hurla in Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.
Angelo “Not shit--Energy!” Rossitto as “The Master” from Thunderdome.
Jose Rene Ruiz, a dwarf with a disturbing hand gesture in Under the Volcano.
Michael Walter, nicknamed “Big Mick,” of course, as a leprechaun in The Last Leprechaun.
Disqualified because I’m unable to find their names: A little guy in YoYo; another little guy in the same movie who has a great moment where he’s evaporated and says, “Waaaaa!”; the little fellow selling stuff outside Jodorowsky’s parent’s shop (because when you’re lucky enough to get a new Jodorowsky movie, you’re lucky enough to get a great little person); a bearded little person in Moscow on the Hudson
Peter O’Farrell, an unmemorable (and taller) character named Malachi in Prisoners of Lost Universe.
Nacho Braun, Hombre Invisible in Witching and Bitching. Fabian Augusto Gomez, Minnie Mouse in the same.
Quentin Kenihan, the little fellow from the new Mad Max movie. He’s friends with Russell Crowe and once tore Jennifer Lopez’s dress at an Oscar party.
Nelson de la Rosa, who played Maijai in The Island of Dr. Moreau. Brando had befriended him and insisted that he be in every one of his scenes.
Or the great Billy Barty, unrecognizable behind gobs of make-up as Gwildor in Masters of the Universe
The winner? The great Angelo Rossito!
Peter Gallagher, the King in American Beauty
A lesbian kiss in Birdman? A Gyllenhaal freakout in Nightcrawler? Sorry, everybody. This one belongs to Neil Breen and a visionary scene where his character walks away from a mirror. [Spoiler Alert: This won’t be Neil Breen’s last award.]
Best Windsock Man
Nightcrawler wins this one because the makers of that movie had the balls to show two windsock men--a blue one and green one--at the same time.
Most Mind-Blowing Information I Got That Has Nothing to Do with Movies
Some people call them “balloon goons” instead of windsock men.
This is a tie! There was a great incomprehensible dream sequence in Robot Ninja that also included a shot of somebody throwing up Ramen noodles that I’m sure were also supposed to be intestines and a great scene in Valhalla Rising where a character disembowels a guy and tosses his intestines on the ground.
“Have a nice day.” Van Damme, Timecop
“What a day.” Wiseau, The Neighbors (television show)
“What a wonderful day.” That dude in Mad Max: Fury Road
Tomorrow I’ll Wake Up and Scald Myself with Tea
Best Performance by an Animal or Animals
Charlie the Chimpanzee in Nukie, either his “Hey, do you like my shirt?” repeated line or the moment he flies off with Miko and Nukie at the end of the movie
Dove magic at a bird head party (think: Eyes Wide Shut) in Judex
Caesar coming to life in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
The cat in A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night
Godard’s dog, the best (only good) thing about Goodbye to Language
Seagulls feasting on a pile of bodies in the deliriously trippy Triangle
The bunny from The Last Mimzy. Actually, never mind. It just sits there and sucks.
The Baron’s yippy dog in Intolerable Cruelty
Woo’s fucking birds in Mission: Impossible 2
Peachfuzz, the wolf, in Creep
The puppy from Halloween Puppy, not the same puppy as the puppy on the Halloween Puppy poster
What the hell? Some of those aren’t even real animals. I know my brother isn’t going to like this, but I’m going to have to go with Charlie the Chimpanzee on this one. Congratulations, monkey!
Favorite Quotes of the Year
As always, you might have fun trying to remember which movies these quotes come from!
“I seem to remember you double-dipping Betsy, the one with the lazy eye.”
“I’m gonna bask in my own greatness.”
“We are responsible for our own dreams.”
“Don’t get me wrong--I’m not literally comparing Captain Kangaroo to Jesus Christ.”
“They say that I could seduce a fire hydrant if it had ears.”
“I used to fuck mannequins.”
“Stay away from my fucking theremin!”
“I will dance with the golden toad.”
“I would tear the asshole off an elephant for a piece of trim I wanted that bad.”
“Let him diddle us like a couple of assholes.”
“Two months earlier, an unemployed Brazilian boiled an egg.”
“We’ll take your balls from you.”
“What a day. That’s what Charlie would say.”
“It seems to erect when I’m in pain.”
“Adiosy, Bela Lugosi.”
“Lamps do go out.”
“How, unless you drink as I do, can you hope to understand the beauty of an old Indian woman playing dominoes with a chicken?”
“Don’t change my dream.”
“What is the goal of life?It’s to create yourself a soul.”
“Say it, don’t spray it.” (But only because this one comes from the future. Well, now it’s the past.)
“Fuck, my left ball hurts a little bit.”
“I’m not afraid of witches, but I’m afraid of bad motherfuckers.”
“Suck sheep shit through a crazy straw.”
“Did you just fart, bitch?”
“I want to go to dog heaven.”
“Would you like Smiley’s sauce on that?”
“A normal man is one who turns his head to look at a woman’s bottom and notices that five or six others have done the same thing.”
“What are you doing driving a truck? You’re a little boy!”
“Whoa! Easy, fella!”
“She specificated a man with a wandering pee pee.”
“Sometimes you have to crash and hit your head on a tree to know what to do and realize that eerything is meaningless.”
“You drank Ian.”
“I’m going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of Kerbango.”
“Your body is a wonderland, John.”
“Trees are cut down to make toilet paper! We haven’t used toilet paper in many years.”
“You killed my son. Now, I’m going to kill you just like I killed your father.” Followed by “You killed my father. Now, I’m going to kill you just like I killed your son.”
“It was a rough day at work. Santa got murdered.”
“The man in the study is your father. And your grandfather!”
“I was just talking to ducks. I think I need to talk to God now.”
“Girl pussy, pony pussy. Pussy!”
“What are you talking about, Willis?”
“So these two pigeons are on the beach. Not pigeons--seagulls. Fuck!”“You might not recognize me because of my red arm.” (If I had to pick a favorite. . .)
The E.T. (Best Product Placement Award)
Close Encounters of the Third Kind--Coca Cola and Budweiser
Can’t Stop the Music--Dr. Pepper, Baskin Robbins, and milkshakes
Hollywood Cop--Pepsi although the movie is ostensibly sponsored by Coca Cola
Kaurismaki’s “Thru the Wire” music video--Coca Cola at the tail end
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes--76 gas stations
Click--Twinkies; Bed, Bath, and Beyond; TGI Fridays
Source Code--Dunkin’ Donuts
Men in Black II--Burger King and Sprint
Terminator 3--Victoria’s Secret
The Last Mimzy--Sprint and Intel
Mission: Impossible 2: those sunglasses, surely
Mine Games--Pabst Blue Ribbon
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats--Pepto Bismal
Not Just Another Christmas Movie--Chick fil A, probably obviously
The winner, because it’s the most egregious, has to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who not only probably had the most products but something that could have passed for a Pizza Hut commercial right in the middle of the movie. The Kingsman would be the runner-up for doing the exact same thing with McDonalds, but that was at least a little more tongue-in-cheek. I think. I’d have to ask Samuel L. Jackson.
The Shammalammadingdong (Best Movie Twist)
Malibu Express failed to shock with a needless twist. Petey Wheatstraw has a silly twist at the end, one which makes as much sense as the rest of the movie and therefore doesn’t really fit here. Road to Revenge with its “She’s alive!’ moment definitely helped me sleep better that night.
This goes to Timerider, one of the movies I watched during the Time Travel Fest. [Spoiler Alert: How could this not win when we find out that the dude’s his own fucking grandfather!]
Another movie I watched had a very similar but even weirder twist. I still don’t want to give that one away though and won’t mention what movie that is.
Part Two will show up later tonight for those of you who got this far. . .