2016 Year in Review: Part Two

The Shyamalan, goofiest movie twist

It might actually be that I kind of liked an M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Visit. I probably didn’t like it enough for this to win though. That movie also had a Shymalan-esque twist.

The shitty attempt at an O. Henry-type ending with Would You Rather, and the time travel/ghost shenanigans in Shreck were both pretty goofy.

Sleepaway Camp, however, gave us this giant “Fuck you!” at the end though, so it’s the big winner.

Best Mermaid

There were some mermaids in The Nice Guys. But Scarlett Johansson was a mermaid in the lovely homage to Busby Berkeley in Hail, Caesar! And therefore no other mermaids have a chance to win this. God bless, Scarlett Johansson.

Things That Would Probably Annoy My Wife If She Read My Blog

After a mention of Scarlett Johansson, it seems like a good time to list these. Full disclosure: Jennifer, whom I love very much, actually referenced this award last year. So this might actually be a list of Things That Actually Annoy My Wife Conveniently Located in One Place.

Wanting to find a gif of Miranda July awkwardly twerking

How I was secretly pleased with that same movie (The Future) because the cat voice annoyed her so much

My ramblings about the physique of Burt Lancaster

Prince obsessions

The real reason that I sometimes have entries that are lists

Falling in love with Erika Sainte in Moonwalkers during a scene where she walks up the stairs

Falling in love with Julie Christie when watching her walk in Billy Liar

Fawning over the pair of actresses in L’Avventura

That I might have been seeking out Lea Massari movies intentionally even though I really wasn’t

The desire to bite Marisa Tomei on the butt

Seeing Shelley Winters and Slim Pickens at the same time on screen and claiming that it gave me an erection

More Anna Karina fawning

Regrets that that wasn’t really Marisa Tomei in Slums of Beverly Hills

Calling Kathy Bates “masturbation fodder”

Admitting that I have a “beast fetish” in my write-up to La Bete

Hey, that’s not so bad this year. Maybe I’m maturing? Or maybe I didn’t keep track as well this year.

Worst Puns

“Reincarpated.” --Me, in my write-up to The Pornographers

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a spam.”

“Nicolas, cage them!”

Motorpsycho!

Things I Asked for But Did Not Receive for Christmas

Infra-Man action figures. And a hat like Kurt Russell's in The Thing (see below). I still didn’t get those Miami Connection action figures either.

Best Band Names Created This Year

Full Frontal Puppet Nudity

James Caan’s Legs

Wilford Brimley’s Suspenders

Those are terrible! I have to do better in 2017.

Best Score

It Follows, by somebody calling himself (themselves) Diasterpeace

The Forbidden Room, by Guy Maddin himself, Jason Staczek, and Galen Johnson

Kwaidan

The Witch

The Turin Horse, a score that I believe was made up of just one song

But because I’m in a sentimental mood, this goes to Prince for Purple Rain.

EDIT: I'm a moron. Swiss Army Man wins this by a landslide. Somehow, I just completely forgot to put it in here.

Oddest Score

Veronika Voss, with all that Lee Hazelwood

Best Song

I’m giving this to Prince, too, for the climactic “Purple Rain” performance. As I wrote in my review, it’s the “greatest moment in guitar ejaculation history.”

Other notable songs:

A karaoke version of “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” in The Voices (seriously, see this movie if you haven’t)

A vampiric trio with a stand-up bass, a trumpet, and one of those fat guitar things in What We Do in the Shadows

Mya Taylor’s “Toyland” during Tangerine

“Sex Shooter,” also during Purple Rain

“The Final Derriere,” brilliantly funny in The Forbidden Room, a scene complete with Geraldine Chaplin cracking a whip

Jerry Lewis rocking out on a theremin in The Delicate Delinquent

“The Big Ship,” Brian Eno’s track used in two absolutely perfect moments

The “Wibberly Wobberly” song from a pervert in Hardware

Veronika Voss’s “Memories”

The duet by the old couple in The Lobster

Bette Davis in a mirror in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

The opera-in-the-shower scene in To Rome with Love

A touching funeral scene in Captain Fantastic with “Sweet Child of Mine”

Worst Song

“When I Fall” from The Last Supper

I can’t believe this is the only thing I have in my notes. I know I heard more terrible songs this year, but I guess this wins.

Best Sound Effect (or maybe Worst Sound Effect. . .it depends on your state of mind)

A completely unnecessary squishy finger-to-the-eye in Dying of the Light. It’s like the sound effect equivalent to Nicolas Cage’s acting

Dismemberment sound effects in The Voices

That bird in No Country for Old Men

Venturing down Keanu’s throat in The Matrix

Russ Meyer’s cartoony sound effects that accompanied sodomy and fellatio in Up!

The oppressive whistling storm in Lonesome

Neil Hamburger’s groans and throat clearing in Entertainment

The squelchy noises in The Thing

The winner is the cowboy’s squeaky shoes in Hail, Caesar! There were other great sound effects in that one, too.

A Movie That I Remembered Seeing After Typing Out the Stuff in the Last Category but Apparently Forgot to Write About Even Though I Saw It

Keanu. I didn’t enjoy it at all.

Things I Learned from Watching Movies This Year (Interesting Bits of Trivia)

Chia-Hui Liu played both Johnny Mo and Pai Mei in the Kill Bills.

Tweaking one’s own nipples is the highest form of intimidation (the Carradine Rule).

Mombassa is the asshole of East Africa.

The Empire State Building is the world’s tallest building (thanks, Pee-Wee!).

Pee-Wee’s middle name is Aloysius.

Becoming a Yahtzee master takes 10 years.

You can smoke a hornet.

I get Martin Landau and Walter Matthau confused.

Lou Cutell played the weird-eared alien in Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster and the “ass man” in that Seinfeld episode.

Santa Claus is allergic to cats.

No matter how hard I try, I can't enjoy movies featuring Vin Diesel or The Rock as much as I enjoy watching them in those Fast and Furious movies

Shelley Winters ate half of her characters from the 1970s.

Best Shane Ideas This Year

An origin story for Nicolas Cage’s hat in Dying of the Light

Crank mashed-up with “Putty Tat Trouble”

A Spy vs. Spy movie with Adrien Brody and (wait for it. . .) Adrien Brody

A movie where Abraham Lincoln’s statue in his monument saves Washington D.C. from terrorists

A Kevin Costner ghost movie where he wanders around stacking rocks for 2 ½ hours (you’re welcome, DC!)

A Daniel Day-Lewis remake of Tiptoes

The “Thing” in The Thing is actually Kurt Russell’s hat

A movie where Nicolas Cage plays a character who talks to people but nobody answers him back

Things I’m Weirdly Proud Of

My Pather Panchali/Crank: High Voltage double feature

My last paragraph of my write-up of The Beast which I’m still convinced is Pulitzer Prize worthy:

“I think there's a gigantic horse penis within the first four seconds of this movie. I can't remember a giant penis making an appearance that quickly in something since my honeymoon.”

Movies That Made Me Cry

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

The end of Parade, both because of the symbolism of the kids playing circus and because it was Tati’s swan song

The E.T., Best Use of Product Placement in a Film

Ruby Tuesdays, in Dying of the Light

Burger King (3 times), Hefty, Goldfish crackers in The Ladykillers

Sunkist Raisins, in The Young and Prodigious T.S. Spivet

Red Bull, so appropriate in Crank

Dasani, Catwoman

Yoohoo, Pixels

Coke and Nestea, Superfights

Ruffles, Pee-Wee’s Big Holiday

Numerous brands from Foodfight!, a movie that no company would really want to be associated with if they saw it

Duracel batteries, The Matrix

The use of Bibendum, Transporter

Goldfish crackers again, 10 Cloverfield Lane

Coca-Cola, Transporter 2 (almost subliminal)

Lucky Strikes, Misery

Shane-movies favorite Tab, Slums of Beverly Hills

Captain Crunch, Trapped in Paradise

The winner is The Fundamentals of Caring with an endless stream of references to Slim Jims. I mean, Netflix has to make a buck, right?

No, who am I kidding? It's got to be Foodfight! It's a movie constructed from product placement.

Best Shooby LeBoof Moment

“I found God during Fury. I became a Christian man, and not in a fucking bullshit way--in a very real way. I could have just said the prayers that were on the page, but. . .it’s a full-blown exchange of heart, a surrender of control.”

The guy also busted out a tooth and slashed up that pretty face of his for this movie. How could you not love the guy?