Cory's Birthday Celebration: Godzilla Final Wars

2004 Godzilla 50th Anniversary Commemoration Project

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Aliens attack earth, intent on turning humans into cattle. It's up to some mutants, a tough guy with a mustache, and Godzilla to save the day!

This is the 8th I've watched a Godzilla movie in honor of my brother-in-law Cory's birthday. The first time was back in 2009. I missed 2010 because his birthday fell smack dab in the middle of my famous "man movie" streak, but Godzilla Final Wars marks the 7th consecutive year I've done this.

Although it's entirely incoherent and not all that enjoyable, we're doing this Movies A-Go-Go style. I learned very quickly that Godzilla Final Wars, despite some positive things I'd read about it, was a terrible choice. This isn't an installment that Cory's ever mentioned, and I didn't really enjoy it at all. For future Cory birthdays, I'm going to stick to the older ones.

Happy birthday, Cory! I was hoping it was your 50th because that would have been appropriate for this 50th anniversary Godzilla movie, but my wife informs me you are much, much older than that.

Rated PG-13 for “intense scenes of violence.” I had to take the television away from Buster who was watching Jessie, a Disney Channel show about a person named Jessie, and my original idea was to have her watch this with me. It’s a good thing I didn’t because I’m not sure she can handle “intense scenes of violence.”

Jessie. And yes, I am a fan, but it's only because of the sexual appeal of the butler character. 

Rockin’ theme music!

I have to assume this first scene is actually the last scene of the preceding movie.

Earth Defense Force--Trump wouldn’t have anything to do with that because other countries wouldn’t be pulling their weight.

The M Force looks like some hyperactive modern dance team. The movie should have been PG-13 because of them.

These opening credits are making me dizzy. But I believe they’re showing clips of all the other movies, and that’s kind of cool. It's nice seeing the evolution (or de-evolution?) of the titular icon.

The opener was awfully sparky, and there was some shitty CGI missiles in there, but it appears that Godzilla is still a dude in a suit. All’s right with the world.

Everybody’s shouting as the submarine (a phallic symbol) with a drill on the front of it is being attacked by a lizardy monster named Manda (another phallic symbol). I don’t care how much fire they add to this scene--it’s still going to be a little queer.

I used to work with a guy who looked a little like this. 

I really don’t like this M Force. They’re like an emo Power Rangers.

Now two of the M Force guys are kicking each other to death. More dizzying editing and a complete disregard for physics, along with some dull techno music, makes me wonder if I’ve picked the worst possible Godzilla movie to watch for Cory’s birthday this year.

They’re mutants? That was probably explained in the opener, but I feel better about knowing why they’re the “M” Force now. It also explains why gravity doesn’t always affects them.

It might be M Organization actually. But that doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

“Are you really a biologist? You look more like a model to me.” Did Donald Trump write this dialogue?

If I had a dime for every time a female biologist told me to “not look at [her]". . .

Now I get to learn about DNA. And a base the mutants have called M-Base. Everything is M-something in this movie.

Earlier, we got to see some M Sexual Harrassment.

I should point out that I’m watching this dubbed and with subtitles. During a scene where some guy talking about his dog Clint, they were way different, as they often are. . The subtitle read “You keep a doggy?” while the woman said, “I didn’t know you had a dog.”

Creepy twins are talking about Gigan. I’m just about to the point where I’m going to completely shut off my brain and not bother trying to understand what the hell is going on in this thing.

I prefer the earlier incarnation of Gigan. Like all the monsters in this, he looks too metallic. 

Oh, shit. There’s just too much to type. Toho got all their information about New York from watching 80’s action comedies. Rodan just destroyed a bunch of skyscrapers in New York City. And the black guy, apparently based on Dennis Rodman, and the policeman had their hats blown off with slide whistle accompaniment.

Rodan, apparently photobombing while Koyaanisqatsi was being made.

Anguirus is throwing down, too? Apparently, every monster that was ever in a Godzilla movie has been invited to the big guy's birthday party!

"Of course I want ice cream with my cake! Growl!" 

Ok, these monsters are CGI, and they look about as gross as the rest of the movie.

Guys with mohawks apparently don’t run well. I think that was the lesson we were supposed to learn there.

I don’t recognize all of these monsters. If I did, I suppose I would be completely aroused.

Another flattering look at America with a fat kid with chocolate all over his face playing with monster toys.

“Damn that armadillo!”

Oh, hell yeah! Godzilla’s dopey-looking son has been squeezed into this.

Minilla, the "Eric Trump" of Godzilla: Final Wars

Extraneous slow-motion flipping and more explosions than even make sense.

I’ve decided that the makers of Godzilla: Final Wars were a little too ambitious. There's way too much going on here.

“Sorry. I’m a vegetarian.” Well, at least the writing matches the crappy, dated special effects.

And now there are aliens. They may have ridden here in the stupidest looking spaceship I’ve seen in a movie.

Look at this fucking thing! 

I don’t think I trust this Secretary General. I have reason to believe he’s colluding with the aliens.

The inside of the alien ship looks just as stupid as the outside. At least they’re consistent.

“Our planet’s name is impossible for you to pronounce.” Translation: The writers didn’t have the creative energy to come up with a name for the planet.

This movie takes place far in the future, it seems, but we don’t have the technology to figure out that an entire planet is going to strike Earth? I guess this is what happens when we elect an anti-science president.

A crowd has gathered to check out the UFO. Two people are holding up a sign that says “Happy birthday” for some reason.

These Xilians have turned out to be real bitches.

Captain Gordon! I missed this guy’s mustache.

Don Frye, a former MMA fighter

Gordon, after some confusing shenanigans, just said, “Well, now we have a nice souvenir.”

Ahh, poor dog. His owner doesn’t remember his name.

The Xilians just fell for the “different dog” trick, one of the oldest in the book. Some advanced species they are!

Fake Secretary General’s head just opened up to reveal what the motionless Xilians really look like, and it was a special effect that only seemed about 20 years old.

This Xilian with the sunglasses has a great giggle. [Note: This will grow irritating by the end of the movie.]

Captain Gordon reminds me a little of Jesse Ventura.

The M Force is even more obnoxious on motorcycles.

A pair of fatal flaws with this movie, other than the obvious things like how it doesn’t really make sense: 1) Godzilla doesn’t even seem to be in it. 2) It’s all just so modern.

Blink, and you might miss the Honda product placement.

Honda, when you want to ride like this pair of douchebags. 

I’m not sure why these two M Force guys are fighting, but it reminds me of The Matrix franchise in the worst possible way.

Ugh. More gross CGI. I’m more offended by that than the main Xilian dude’s repeated insistence that humans are livestock.

Godzilla’s rubbery son is called Minilla?

Is Godzilla a surname or first name? So, is his son named Minilla Godzilla?

Step 1: Go to the South Pole.

Step 2: Wake up Godzilla.

Step 3: Have Godzilla fight the monsters.

Step 4: Put Godzilla back at the South Pole.

My question: Wouldn’t a Godzilla who has just been awakened after who-knows-how-many years be really sore and groggy? I’m only 43, and everything hurts when I wake up. I don’t think I’d feel like fighting a bunch of people after waking up in the morning. And Godzilla's 50!

Oooh, the drill spaceship thing has its own theme music when taking off.

Didn't He-Man have a vehicle with a drill on it like this stupid thing? 

I want a job where I just sit around a station at the South Pole and listen to lounge music and wear Hawaiian shirts.

Gigan? Have I seen him in a movie before? He looks familiar, but I don’t remember a monster shooting cables from his arms like Spiderman.

Well, there goes Gigan’s head. That was a quick fight. Godzilla seems pissed.

Another new development: Godzilla has his spikes light up before ejaculating a stream of blue fire stuff. That is new, right?

Well, there goes the Sydney Opera House.

Tuna Head monster? That looked like the Godzilla from the Matthew Broderick movie.

Ahh, it is the monster from the 1998 movie. Toho called him Zilla and apparently didn't like him very much. 

So a giant chunk of this movie is going to be the alien guy sending monsters one at a time to take care of Godzilla and then gesticulating angry and growling when it doesn’t happen?

“This Godzilla guy is one tough dude. Interesting.”

Minilla is just a terrible idea. He looks stupid, sounds stupid, and does stupid things. I’m sure there’s going to be a point to him eventually.

I really needed to stick to the original run of Godzilla movies. This 21st Century crap is taking itself way too seriously.

Minilla riding in the front seat of this truck cracks me up.

Right after I said this movie is taking itself too seriously, this happened. 

Whoa! I have a new favorite monster! He looks like a jackalope, and he’s got some fierce-looking nipples!

The jackalope just kicked Spiky Ball Guy at Godzilla who dove like a soccer goalie and sent it into a mountain. That was really something.

He's apparently named King Caesar. I'm going to have to watch a Godzilla vs. King Caesar movie next year. Look at those nipples! 

Spaceship battle!

Mustache (Captain Gordon) likes to pretend he’s a total badass, but I’m not sure I’ve seen him do anything in this movie but sit around looking tough.

One of the M Force dudes just flew into a ball of light in the middle of the alien spaceship. Now all we need is Nein Nunb from Return of the Jedi to celebrate the move.

I have one part-time blog reader who will appreciate that Nien Nunb made an appearance. 

Two more goofy-looking monsters. If I was a Godzilla aficionado, I’m sure I’d recognize them.

It’s probably not a good thing that I’m finding it difficult to root for anybody in this movie. M Force and Captain Gordon? No. The aliens? No. Godzilla? Not really. The other monsters? Nope. I really just don’t have any interest in anything that’s going on.

This new monster is getting some pretty serious music and an extended introduction. He must have something special.

Apparently, he's called Monster X, and he was a new monster created for this film. 

Gigan again? Didn’t the writers of this remember that his head was blown apart?

Poor drooping Eiffel Tower in the background. I thought they were in Tokyo! This is confusing me both narratively and geographically.

I want to point out that this movie cost me 54 cents to rent. I'm not sure why I'm choosing to point that out here, but it felt like the appropriate time.

I kind of like this new monster. He’s not quite as cool as Jackalope Guy, but he’s giving our hero a run for his money.

Why is Mothra on Godzilla’s side?

Terrific terrible acting there by the main M Force guy as he’s stabbed with a special effect while choking Mr. Mustache.

Mothra is surrounded by glitter.

Gigan’s head fell off again. He’s having the worst luck with heads today.

Decapitate me once--shame on you. Decapitate me twice--shame on me.

I just told my wife, “I’ll do the dishes,” just so I could have a break from the gross special effects in this thing. I really hate how this movie looks.

And I hate the main bad guys laugh. It’s painful.

Hey Mustache guy is actually fighting! [I didn't think he looked great at it, by the way, but knowing he's a former MMA-er makes it even worse.]

Has there been another movie where Godzilla just punches the crap out of a foe? That’s what is going on here. This new monster [Monster X] is really getting pummeled.

There’s some atrocious kung-fu in here, but it’s made worse with silly CGI.

Mustache has a gun pulled on him. He puts his sword away and holds up his fists. The other guy drops the gun, accepting the challenge to engage in fisticuffs. And that’s yet another reason why this movie is stupid.

Godzilla doesn’t seem to be able to open his eyes all the way. He’s squinty in this one, like Mike Pence.

Ghidorah makes an appearance, but I’ve been really bored for a while now.

The big guy’s in trouble, but luckily, the M Force guy has the ability to send a bunch of cheap computer graphics his way to “give him some energy.”

I don’t think I’m smart enough for this movie.

Godzilla’s son waddles along just in time to make it all extra stupid.

Why’s Godzilla walking away from his son? Is Godzilla a deadbeat dad?

These two attractive young people have that “Now we get to repopulate the earth” look in their eyes.

I can’t think of a worse way to celebrate Godzilla’s 50th birthday or Cory’s 50-whatever birthday than with this travesty. Although there was this: