A Wrinkle in Time

2018 sci-fi fantasy

Rating: 5/20

Plot: I don't feel like talking about it.

Well, there goes Oprah's chances of being president. Nothing Trump has done is more embarrassing than being in A Wrinkle in Time.

Poorly directed, aurally offensive, and frequently ugly, this is wrong on almost every level. I can't think of a movie with this kind of star power and this kind of Mickey Mouse money behind it that ended up this wrong. During some particularly painful early moments that show unrealistic school dynamics and the kind of bullying that can only happen in a big glossy movie like this, I thought, "Well, Ava DuVernay isn't nailing the human elements of this, but surely she'll get the fantasy stuff right." But when the fantasy stuff rolled in, it was clear that this was going to be a tedious and agonizing experience.

Oprah's exactly what you'd expect her to be here only more special-effecty. I like Mindy Kaling from her television work, but the character quirk they give her is obnoxious, and it doesn't seem like she's got the hang of working with so many special effects assaulting her. Reese Witherspoon, the other Mrs., is terrible. Chris Pine is OK, and Storm Reid, who plays the girl, probably has a future in this business. I wish Zach Galifianakis would find something better to do with his time. Most offensive was this Deric McCabe kid who played Charles Wallace, the little brother who for whatever reason had to be called "Charles Wallace" every single time anybody speaks to him. I don't typically feel the urge to take swings at children, but Deric McCabe almost got me there.

I'm embarrassed that I typed that, and a less honest reviewer would probably delete the whole thing and pretend it didn't happen.

Don't be fooled by previews which promise cool CGI imagery and imagination. There are moments when that's definitely in there, but it's a mere distraction from the swarming and eventually enveloping suckiness that is A Wrinkle in Time.

I saw this movie Saturday night and ended up having to call in sick both Monday and Tuesday. That can't be a coincidence.