King Kong

1976 remake

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Second verse, same as the first. I'm King Kong, the ape, I am. King Kong, the ape, I am, I am. I grabbed blondie from the sacrificial altar. But here's Lebowski coming after her. And so on.

There was a possibility that we'd be watching the sequel to this--King Kong Lives--for bad movie club, and although I knew this story and really had no reason to watch it, I kind of wanted to watch it anyway. It's not really as bad as I remember it. Its worst problems are pacing and dialogue. The leads are pretty good for having nothing to work with. "Holy mother! That looks as old as the pyramids of Egypt!" It doesn't matter who you are--you're not pulling off lines like that. Of course, Jessica Lange just needs--and I realize how chauvinistic I'll sound with this, but it kind of goes with the character type--to look good anyway, and she pulls that off. My God, she pulls that off! I don't completely understand it, but this non-lucid swaying move this damsel-in-distress pulls off is the stuff of masturbatory visions. She looks so good in this, coming pretty close to out-Faye-Wraying Faye Wray. And I have to compliment whoever did her wardrobe because they nailed it. I'm not sure why she would have any interest in Jeff Bridges, especially after seeing him in a 1920's silent film drunken stupor. There's a little Lebowski in that performance, isn't there? Maybe it's just the hair, but he's like a stoner scientist or monkeyologist or whatever he's supposed to be. And then there's an over-acting Charles Grodin (just watch that scene where he falls in a goddamn hole) who gets a should-have-been-juicier villain role. Somebody thought it was a good idea to give him a mustache which, from the very beginning, you expect to see him twisting like he's the type of guy who might tie Jessica Lange to a railroad track or something. Not that I would have minded seeing a little more Lange bondage footage since the stuff on that sacrificial altar just wasn't realistic enough. Something else I wish this 70's version would have had the King Kong balls to show on screen--a King Kong rape scene. Not as a pervert, mind you, but as a person interested in science. I mean, the characters (Grodin, I think) make a reference to it. "He's going to rape her!" As a person interested in science, I'd like to know how something like that works. See how long I went without mentioning the titular ape, by the way? The movie really makes you wait to see the big guy, too. I don't mind that really. Audiences are forced to wait to see the original King Kong, and Peter Jackson doesn't show his CGI creation in that inferior newest version for a long time. But the pacing of this just feels off, and the big moments--the first appearance of the monster, the escape from the circus or whatever the hell that is, the climbing of the building(s) and ensuing fight high above the streets of New York--just aren't big enough to make the wait worth it. Kong looks so small compared to that wall. I like his face though, at least to show some of the emotions that are important to this particular monster. And I did really like this smile Kong has after Lange gets wet, a smile that shows he's as much of a pervert as I am but more dangerous because Grodin probably wouldn't look at me and think I was capable of raping anybody. What that face or anything else doesn't really capture is the menace, the ferocity, the danger. A lot of that is that the effects don't really work. The miniature forest effects are lame at times, showing that special effects hadn't really advanced much since the Gargantuans shambled through similar trees. There's a lot of green-screen weirdness, and I got a little tired of seeing the same obviously-fake hand grabbing at Lange's character. There's more waiting around and general silliness while we wait for the inevitable Kong-in-the-Big-Apple scenes, and then those end up very short and filled with the opposite of whatever suspense and emotional impact are. First, I wanted to see a flattened Charles Grodin and was disappointed when it didn't happen. There's a giant gas pump thing and Kong wearing a crown that all made the thing so silly. The only thing realistic about seeing Kong's escape was this great screaming from a lady as he busts out of that cage certified escape proof by the New York Department of Cages. And then, the ape's moving through the city but making sure he doesn't destroy anything at all. It's like somebody said, "Ok, you can use our city, but you have to be very careful that you leave it exactly like you found it." Watching a shot of King Kong leering in a window made me laugh, and I probably shouldn't have been laughing during any of that stuff. Climbing on the World Trade Center just looked tacky, pretty much from any angle, and I'm not sure whose idea it was to have him jump from one tower to the other, but it was stupid. And I never really understood Bridges' realization that Kong was heading to the Twin Towers anyway, but that might be because I didn't pay enough attention early on and can't think like a scientist unless I'm thinking about giant apes raping human beings. I was just in New York for the first time and found out that those two building don't even exist anymore. There's a lovely and touching tribute to the buildings, but I kept thinking there should be a chalk outline for King Kong there as well. I guess that would upset some visitors though. How about the inaccuracy of that poster up there, by the way? First, none of that takes place during daylight hours. Second, it makes it look like the action in that scene will make the movie worth watching. I guess that's what posters are supposed to do though. Third, it makes Jessica Lange look like Prince Adam from Masters of the Universe. Let's see you find another movie blog that alludes to Prince Adams in any of the King Kong movies. Fourth, Kong has the same general shape I do when I'm naked except he's got a lot more hair, and the movie King Kong didn't really look like that.