Black History Month Movie Fest: Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil's Son-in-Law

1977 comedy

Rating: 4/20

Plot: A watermelon's twin--a child born wearing a diaper--grows up to be a kung-fu fighting stand-up comedic bad ass, and after he and his entourage are mowed down by machine guns after a funeral by the malicious duo Leroy and Skillet, he makes a deal with the devil to marry his daughter so that he can return and get revenge.

And yes, that's all as awesome as it sounds. What a way to start off the Black History Month Fest in the middle of February!

Every movie with Rudy Ray Moore is something to see. He's possibly the worst actor of the 70's, the movies make little to no sense, and have special-ed effects and kung-fu fight scenes that make it seem like those neighbor kids in their backyard choreographed the whole thing. And in case you don't know me very well, I do mean all of that to be complimentary. Nobody involved in this production believed they were making anything resembling a good movie. At least I don't think so. There's something about Rudy Ray Moore, a pinch of naivete or maybe the way he says "sons of bitches," that makes it seem like he wasn't entirely in on the joke. However, he probably was, and that makes the guy a complete genius. I really don't know much about Moore and should probably research the guy.

This all starts with a wild pre-credits birth scene. A guy named J.B. Baron plays the doctor, ineptly, his only role other than one of the Dolemite movies. Petey's a breech-birth baby, born a talking ten-year-old with a diaper. It's a nutso scene that toys with stereotypes like Jemima head wraps and watermelon afterbirths. Actually, the watermelon pops out first, so I suppose that makes Petey Wheatstraw either the afterbirth or the watermelon's twin. It's really hard to keep track of that sort of thing.

Then, blam--a bass-happy funk theme song by Nat and Mary Dove. It's one of about a hundred highlights of this incredible slice of entertainment. Can one movie have a hundred highlights? Am I misusing the word highlights? This has a kung-fu training scene, new to the Rudy Ray Moore movies, I believe.

There's a scene where his car is being stripped, the thieves seemingly only interested in taking his back seat and one tire. Moore's "God damn!" is award-worthy there, and the Benny Hill chase scene that precedes a wacky brouhaha is nothing short of amazing. Rudy Ray Moore--27th Wonder of the World, and if you don't believe me, you won't argue when you hear him say things like, "I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but I can sit on a tombstone and produce baby ghosts" or "You'll steal from your momma, you'll even take the limbs off a tree, but I'm gonna kick your ass for messing with me." The way this guy says "ass" is worthy of its own museum actually--the Rudy Ray Moore Ass Museum, a building people can just stand in to wait for a recording, Old Faithful-like, to play a line from his movies. And if that doesn't convince you, watch the shaking jowl thing he does between punches and kicks. Bruce Lee had his bird noises. Sonny Chiba had his weird facial expressions. Rudy Ray Moore shook his jowls. He's got his kung-fu noises, too, especially in an extended scene where he's poised at the edge of a roof in these green underpants and matching t-shirt. That scene, my friends, was such a display of raw masculinity that I thought I was Bruce Jenner for a little bit. Of course, that's nothing compared to a scene where Wheatstraw comes back from the dead, roughs up some bad guys, and says, "Tell your boss I'm still alive and I'm mad as a hornet in a bumblebee hive!" You know, a line that makes a guy literally piss himself after one of the least manly screams of all time. Later, it's revealed that he shat himself as well, and even later, it was revealed that I had also indeed ruined my pants.

A scene involving the death of Larry is pretty intense, at least as intense as some jumpy imagery followed by the worst acting I've ever seen can be. Some kid named Bryan L. Roquemore played young Larry, and if you can find me a death scene that is as funny as this one while not trying to be funny at all, I'd love to see it. Petey Wheatstraw's reaction is about what you'd expect: "Leroy and Skillet has gone too far!" You kidding me, Dolemite? Shooting 20 people or so outside a funeral is going too far? That funeral massacre is crazy, but it's even crazier in reverse after Wheatstraw's meeting with the devil. That devil (Lucipher) is played by G. Tito Shaw, the kind of cool Beelzebub with a straw hat and salmon pants. And a briefcase! Later on, he gets a nice montage where he's jogging around in a red jumpsuit, and it's really hard to imagine any God being able to defeat this guy in the end.

This is a comedy, of course, but it's the kind of comedy that I can't imagine would appeal to anybody who isn't a small child. Yet clearly, this is a movie made for an adult audience. There's a comedic sequence in a graveyard with a homeless person who is really amazing. I'm not sure who plays him because apparently he's in the credits with a name and not just "Bum at Cemetery," but I couldn't understand a word he said. There's another scene where Wheatstraw finds something that kind of looks like a bomb, and we're treated to the most ludicrous bomb sequence since that one with Batman.

Things with Moore really turn magical when he gets this Satanic magic wand sort of thing. It's cinematic gold watching him try to control both that vibrating wand and his own acting. He sort of turns into Abar: The Black Superman at that point: combing little boys' hair, turning jerks into dogs, and transforming obese women into women who can fit into their lawn chairs. The juxtaposition of the large woman trying to squeeze into that lawn chair and Moore dancing down the street might be the most amazing thing I have ever seen in a movie. Hell, it might be the most amazing thing I've seen in my life!

I don't think I've ever seen more watermelons in a movie before.

Another scene has a demonic orgy, a scene that is followed by a breaking-the-fourth-wall wink that might be enough to turn any guy into a Satanist. There's a lot of Satan in this one including one of the best kung-fu demon fights I've ever seen in a 70's blaxploitative flick. The end features a climactic rooftop fight scene where that magic cane seems to have exactly one magic power--bludgeoning. It's a scene that rivals my favorite Satan-on-a-roof scene from Miracle Man. It all leads to a twist ending that is absolutely chilling. Chilling and laughable.

This does attempt to sneak in a little cultural significance--the dreams of urban black children, inner-city violence, education, racial disharmony--but its failure in that matches the failures of the rest of the movie. One thing this movie doesn't fail at? Entertaining the heck out of me!