Bad Movie Club: Left Behind

2014 religious reboot

Bad Movie Rating: 4/5 (Ratboy: 3/5; Alicia: 3/5; Josh: 5/5; Eric: no rating; Amy: 1/5; Fred: 2/5; Johnny: 5/5; Libby: 1 [middle finger]/5; Mark: didn't finish)

Rating: 4/20

Plot: God decides he wants to whisk the righteous away from earth but, for some reason, leave their clothing behind. Which settles it for me--heaven is going to be a lot like that party in Eyes Wide Shut. The unrighteous? Well, they're left behind. That group includes a philandering airline pilot, his daughter, an investigative journalist, an angry little person, an old lady, a Muslim (duh!), and a businessman. And some other people. None of them matter much because they're not all played by Nicolas Freakin' Cage!

Here's why this movie isn't going to save any souls. Well, my friend Rubber Duck probably explained it best in two words: Bad theology. But the real reason is that the people who end up being yanked nakedly to heaven are lame compared to the characters who are left behind. Nicolas Cage is one of America's most beloved actors. His daughter's cute, and although I don't know who she is, I assume she's been on some Disney show for teenyboppers or something. And she utters the only curse word in this movie which makes a lot of sense since I'm sure people left behind will be on their best behavior and refrain from cursing. Also, you have to be impressed with her character in this because I'm sure she runs at least 50 miles during this movie's story. The investigative reporter is a hunky guy named Buck Williams, a guy's guy who would likely make many women say, "If guys like that aren't getting into heaven, you can count me out." And the flight attendant whom Nic Cage is attempting to woo with promises of U2 concerts? The amount of impure thoughts men who watch this movie are going to have trying to imagine how they even squeezed her into that little stewardess outfit will ensure that at least a lot of boners are left behind. And the little person, played by Martin Klebba (a recurring character on Scrubs, those Pirate movies, a Munchkin), is possibly the coolest human being of all time, at least if you go pound-for-pound. The folks who are taken by God? Well, a woman at the airport and Marty McFly's mom both seem psychotic, and Nicolas Cage's son seems like he might be mentally challenged. The others? We don't find out much at all about them. Which means that the all the cool characters are the ones left behind. What kind of advertisement is that? It's like a commercial that shows a bunch of doofuses walking around in the sneakers you're trying to sell. Nobody wants to wear shoes that a doofus would wear, right?

How's the message of the movie work though? Well, not well. I am not an atheist although this is the type of movie that could almost turn me into one. However, when I look logically at the arguments made at the beginning of the movie by both sides, it seems like the more convincing arguments are made by the nonbelievers. The believers, as I said, kind of sound like lunatics. There's really no point in the movie where it even seems like an effort was made to make their arguments seem all that logical. So the only message Left Behind's got left is a giant tacky scare tactic. And that's just weak.

So this movie has a message that I can't see actually working. Does it work as a movie? Well, no. Unless you're looking for a comedy. Cage gives a semi-Cagey performance. He's at his most subdued here though. You don't get wacky Cage except for a great moment when he tells a plane filled with sinners to sit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .down. The worst performance is by Major Dodson, the kid who played Cage's mentally-challenged son. "Wow! The brand new baseball glove I've been asking for!" No, he's not helped by the writing or the direction because no child actor's going to look good saying this crap or lurking behind a corner creepily when his mom and sister are arguing. But his running? If I were a director and I knew that my child actor was going to have to run in a movie, I'd make sure I see him run when he's trying out for the part. The saddest character is a confused old woman on the plane, but I can't even find who plays her. Actually, scouring the cast for this is interesting. I can't recall seeing this many uncredited performances in a movie. There are 27 actors and actresses who weren't embarrassed enough to have their names associated with this while a total of 57 other people are not credited. I guess they were left behind.

Before you ask, I should tell you that I haven't seen the Kirk Cameron movie versions of this book series and therefore can't compare them.

Left Behind has that made-by-a-church-with-a-few-thousand-bucks-they-can't-figure-out-what-to-do with vibe. It's professional enough, but it wasn't written by anybody who has much experience with actual human beings or anybody who understands subtlety. It's weirdly off, this artificial look at the apocalypse. Add the exact type of music you'd probably expect this to have, including a killer song that plays over the closing credits, and some really spotty CGI, and you've got something that is embarrassing enough. But you know what's more embarrassing? They're probably going to make another and another and then another. That somehow makes it far more embarrassing. Maybe the most embarrassing thing of all is that I would gladly watch a sequel to this. What's wrong with me?