Movies A-Go-Go: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

2014 action movie

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles try to stop William Fichtner and a metallic samurai guy from poisoning New York. Megan Fox helps out.

Before we get to my stream-of-conscious typed thoughts for this movie, I feel the need to explain why I watched it in the first place. I know nothing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lore because I was a little too old when they came out and have never been a comic book guy. I've also never seen any other movie with this quartet of reptilian karate-choppin' prepubescents. That was probably their name in an earlier draft. The Prepubescent Reptilian Karate-Choppin' Deviants. I started thinking about them and thought, "This is actually a little too weird for me not to like, isn't it?" I mean, they're overgrown turtles that fight crime. I figured I would be confused throughout this movie, but at least with this story, things were really dumbed down. A small child could have understood this, and I should know because I'm not as smart as most small children.

Anyway, I was disappointed in this movie, and I actually hate myself for even spending this much time with it. So, I'll just copy/paste my thoughts now.

Movies A-Go-Go! 

Nickelodeon Movies--that's ominous.

After brief animation, this is like watching somebody play that Fruit Ninja game on a smart phones. And that would not make a good movie.

A shot of New York City, and I think the point is that the Twin Towers would probably still be there if the Ninja Turtles were around.

Will Arnett? What the hell are you doing in this movie? Can I blame this for that fourth season of Arrested Development not having all the actors together during filming?

Megan-Fox-on-a-trampoline bonus points. I'm glad she gets to play a strong female character in this.

While this movie is busy with something resembling exposition, I should say that I don’t know anything about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ story except for their names and that their Mr. Miyagi is a rat. And I think the bad guy's name is Shredder? All my knowledge of Power Rangers and these guys comes from working at Toys "R" Us for a few months.

Whoopi? I wonder if she's a big fan of the Turtles or if she's just doing this for the paycheck.

Fichtner? This guy makes poor life choices. He must be a family friend of the Bays or something. Maybe he is a Bay? Fichtner surely isn't a real name because that combination of c's, h's, t's, and n's shouldn't exist. It's one of those names like McConaughey that I have to look up every time.

This constantly blaring score, the rapidfire editing. I'm actually wishing I was watching a movie inspired by Fruit Ninja.

“She’s so hot I can feel my shell tightening." Really? First, I thought this was a children's movie. Also, my knowledge of turtle anatomy isn't extensive, but I doubt their genitals are on their backs.

(No, I remember seeing turtles "doing it" at the zoo once. Turtle cocks are clearly where you'd expect them to be. And now that I think about it, why would a turtle be attracted to Megan Fox anyway?) 

"They’re ninjas. They’re mutants. They’re turtles. They’re teenagers." Yeah, that covers it. Thanks for catching me up, movie.

Wait, one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is Hispanic?

Yes! A fart joke! It's about time!

“They don’t look like turtles because they ARE turtles.” Obviously, this was written by a complete moron.

Ok, I just looked it up because nothing going on with Whoopi and Megan Fox is worth paying attention to. Five morons actually this.

“They’re ninjas.”
“I’m sorry. What?”
“And they do karate.”

See? Morons.

Oh, Michael Bay didn’t direct this? I thought it lacked explosions. Plus, it just makes a little too much sense scientifically.

Has product placement ever been this blatant? This scene where the slimy rat is forcing them to balance on things, play ping pong, and balance eggs on chopsticks feels like a commercial.

How many times has Fichtner’s character told people this story while pointing at a tapestry? Dude's obviously shady.

Orange Crush--the preferred beverage of Ninja Turtles.

What? Sacks is a bad guy? No way I could have guessed that one! This twist is sponsored by Skittles.

This bad guy can’t decide what language he speaks. And I’ve never understood what’s going on when two characters are having a conversation in different languages. How’s that work? I doubt that's ever happened in real life.

April’s dad turned to arson to stop Sacks? That was really his only option? That seems unlikely.

Ahhh, look at the cute little Infant Mutant Ninja Turtles!

“Hollaback Girl”--there goes the Megan-Fox-on-a-Trampoline bonus point.

Honest question: Where do they get money for pizza? Am I supposed to ask questions like that during a movie this dumb?

“What did you just call me? A hogosha?”

I want to see a hogosha and horny turtle sex scene. I can’t be the only one. Is there erotic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fanfiction out there?

This Shredder appearance is brought to you by Country Crock.

I’m having having trouble figuring out why this isn’t just a cartoon. It looks like a cartoon most of the time anyway, so why couldn’t they have just gone full cartoon?

“You stupid little girl!” Seriously--morons. Morons wrote this.

Their shells don’t do them a lot of good if they can’t even protect them from a tazing.

Well, at least this is going to force Megan Fox’s character to be a strong female character. Right?

The bad guys leave without making sure that the rat and the fourth turtle were dead. I don’t understand how bad guys can be this poorly written.

I’m glad Fichtner changed into black clothes. It cements the bad guyness. This is not a good performance by him at all.

This bad guy plan is silly and cliched. But it’s going to make Fichtner rich--like, "stupid rich," he says. Like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle script rich.

Bullets don’t harm them? They can be tazed, but they don't have to worry about bullets.

“Time to take a bite out of the big apple.” Good one, bad guy! How embarrassed do you think New York is about this? That one-liner has been brought to you by Zubaz.

By the time this red turtle finds his way in there, most of their blood is going to be drained.

“It’s working,” says Will Arnett. But whatever it is that's working shouldn't be working. And that’s totally what is wrong with this movie. This is as realistic as 80's wrestling when a near-dead Hulk Hogan would start having a seizure and clinch his fists before making a big comeback.

Backseat Driving Talking Turtles--that should be the title of the sequel.

One of the turtles is Teen Wolfing on the truck! These waves are his!

Better Movie

Truck rumbling down the mountain after that ubiquitous red tailed hawk screech--the movie found a way to get even dumber. And now, of course, Megan Fox’s ass has gotten in the way.

What are they on? Mt. Everest? Is there a mountain that size within close proximity to New York City? I don’t remember seeing one.

This elevator hip hop scene has been brought to you by Snapple. What the hell is this?

Why’s the bad guy need to be wearing Chrome samurai gear? It doesn’t seem like that would be very comfortable. I guess he had to keep it on because he knew that he left the turtles alive at the bad guy lair?

Wait, the plan isn’t going to work now, is it? There’s no antidote. Now they’re just killing everybody to kill everybody?

You know what really makes these action scenes good? Slow motion.

They’re going to play Buck Buck.

Slow-mo Buck Buck.

Cowabunga! Did people cheer in the theaters when Strawberry Crush Turtle said that? I'd forgotten that I knew they said that until I just heard it. Now my shell's getting tight!

I thought they only had 50 seconds or something. I think all the slow motion action sequences have confused the morons.

This last-second deactivation is brought to you by the Swiffer Wet Jet.

Ok, so turtles fall faster than people. Good to know, I guess.

I think I faintly heard people cheering when Shredder fell to the ground. But how the hell would they know he’s the bad guy? This movie doesn’t make any sense.

Pop Tarts! Yes! A product placement trifecta!

I really hate these turtles.

They blew up his car! Because that’s not predictable at all!

I’m having trouble thinking of a single positive thing about the experience of watching this movie.

Oh, “Happy Together” is by the Turtles. I get it. That’s very clever, but I don’t think the guys in that group were ninjas.

Not Ninjas