Bride of the Monster

1955 horror movie

Rating: 6/20

Plot: Dr. Eric Varnoff, expelled from his own homeland, experiments with radiation in order to create a race of superhumans who will do his bidding. He's got rotund Lobo and a rubber octopus to help him with his evil plans. A newspaper reporter tries to uncover his secrets.

There's a lot wrong with this movie. There's typically Woodian embarrassing writing, a lack of variety in the sets, and some really goofy special-ed effects. The much-maligned rubber octopus really is ridiculous. At one point in the movie, a guy falls on top of the octopus and sort of flails around, occasionally picking up a tentacle himself to simulate an attack. Then he actually gets up for a little bit only to fall down on top of the octopus again. The story's ludicrous, just barely making enough sense to qualify as a plot. However, Wood-regular Tor Johnson is a menacing presence, and Bela Lugosi, in his final speaking role, is brilliant. His performance alternates between creepy and powerful and strangely touching. He should have won an Academy Award for this. It's his performance that actually makes this a real movie. No, it's not enough of a real movie to fool anybody into thinking it's actually good. People are still only going to enjoy this because of the complete ineptitude, but it's not nearly the travesty that some of Wood's other movies are.

Killer octopus! Oh, no! I just picked up its tentacle and put it on top of myself again! Somebody help me!

Plan 9 from Outer Space

1959 B-movie

Rating: 2/20

Plot: The first eight plans didn't work, so aliens (from outer space) try a ninth plan to contact humans (on earth) and attempt to stop them from building some sort of super-weapon capable of destroying the entire universe. Plan nine involves resurrecting the dead and having them move about a really lame graveyard set very slowly. Some brave police officers and a handsome airline pilot try to get to to bottom of things and put a stop to. . .plan nine from outer space!

Contrary to what Seinfeld things, this isn't the worst movie ever made. It is a really entertaining B-movie with everything a B-movie buff would want in a crappy movie--crummy repetitious sets, atrocious dialogue, visible wires, actors who die and need to be replaced by shorter actors who don't look all that similar, actors who seem too confused by what they're supposed to say to deliver their lines well, continuity errors galore. For me, it's hard to separate this movie from the other immortal works of Ed Wood Jr. Together, they're an amazing display of ineptitude. This one's special because it's Bela Lugosi's final screen appearance and because somehow some iconic imagery (Vampira or The Beast of Yucca Flats' Tor Johnson menacingly penetrating gray fog as they approach the camera) sneaks in. It's also got Criswell's enigmatic narration, another thing that links this to Yucca Flats. But really, it's that dialogue that stands out and makes this the classic that it is. At times, it seems like it's written by a person who has never actually heard human beings communicate. As bad as this movie is, you've got to credit Wood for making something that is impossible to forget and likely a film that will be enjoyed for another 50 years.

The Haunted World of Edward D. Wood Jr.

1996 documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Alternatingly loving and loathing look at the life and career of B-movie director Ed Wood, from his completely normal childhood to his first film (a short Western) to his last (Plan Nine from Outer Space) which happens to be considered the worst film ever made.

There are some tender moments, some humorous moments, and some moments (mostly from the bizarrely vain Vampira and Bela Lugosi's bitter son) that get downright hateful. Most of the interviewees look back lovingly and/or sadly at the man. The majority of this documentary is made up of well-assembled interview segments and scenes from Wood's work that showcase his flaws and his complete ineptitude. And although there are some fascinating bits of insight (Vampira's claim that Orson Welles gave her the clap, the details of Tor Johnson's baptism and family's eating habits), there's not much that can be garnered from this that you can't get directly from "enjoying" Wood's oeuvre or from Tim Burton's exceptional biopic. I was a bit annoyed with the sets designed for interviewees (Vampira, for example, had skulls and webs all around her; maybe that was her bedroom though), but I did like how one guy had a ventriloquist dummy for no reason at all. Messy in spots and annoyingly beginning with an overture, this is overall a hit and miss affair. It's worth watching for fans of Wood's work though.