Shane Watches a Bad Movie on Facebook with Friends: Abar, the First Black Superman

1977 Blaxploitation sorta-superhero movie

Rating: 4/20 (Fred: 4/20; Josh: 3/20; Ryan: 5/20; Libby: Was not able to finish because she had to explain racism to her 8-year-old son)

Plot: A black doctor experimenting with rabbits moves into a white neighborhood with his family. The white folk don't like it so much and respond like any normal racist would--killing their new neighbors' pet and hanging it at the front door, shouting racist things, attempting to steal their Frisbees, attempted murder. The titular local civil rights leader begins to defend them. Eventually, the doctor perfects his potion and turns Abar into a superhero.

I love movies that are in English but still dubbed. The dubbing makes the guy playing the doctor--J. Walter Smith, who also co-wrote this and then did nothing else at all in the movie biz--seem like an even worse actor than he is, something that I imagine was very difficult to pull off. Tobar Mayo plays the superhero, and I don't know if it's his build or his bald head, but I thought he could have pulled off action star in movies with bigger budgets. He was in Killer of Sheep which is a movie much different than this one although it tries to accomplish some of the same things. And he was "Third Indian" in Escape from New York. This is really inept filmmaking and storytelling. The first hour of the movie focuses, sometimes uncomfortably, on the racism. Director Frank Packard (his only directing credit) plays the Martin Luther King Jr. card early and often, hammering you over the head with the message. Then, the movie shifts gears dramatically, the doctor starts shooting rabbits to show that he's perfected the formula to make rabbits bulletproof, and we get more of the sci-fi superhero nonsense that my Bad Movie cohorts and I wanted for this week's selection. And it is nonsense! Sure, this titular superman can fight, but he's also got these telepathic abilities to turn prostitutes and drug dealers into college graduates, liquor into milk, and purse snatchers into quality citizens. He can also cause giant snakes to materialize. Superman can't do that! It's so goofy, and I think at this stage, the movie's message gets a little muddy. After all, this movie was really focused on the clash between hateful whites and black people minding their own business, not on the problems with black urban youth. The last half hour isn't enough to salvage this and make it an enjoyable bad movie although there is a twist at the end with Frisbee woman that has to be seen to be believed. And there is a misshapen pimp who made me laugh. Tony Rumford plays Dr. Kincade's son, and he's the worst child actor I've seen in a while. This was also his only role. His is a performance that stands out, and trust me, that's difficult in a movie like this. This is an interesting little socially-critical document, but it's not anywhere near a good movie and probably not a very good bad movie either.

Enthiran (Robot)

2010 ridiculously stupid sci-fi action romantic comedy (with music)

Rating: 14/20 (Unapologetically!)

Plot: A scientist makes himself a bitchin' robot that looks like him and can do anything that the writer/director of this thing can dream up. His girlfriend's upset that he spends so much time working. Eventually, the robot develops into something a little more human and falls for his maker's girlfriend. Then, things get really stupid.

Oh, goodness. This movie broke some kind of record for winning me over in the quickest amount of time because this bad boy had me at the menu screen with this delirious song that went something like "Boom boom robo gah robo gah zoom zoom." I'm easy to win over apparently. And yes, that song is in the movie, probably when the titular robot is doing something absolutely ridiculous. Actually, if I recall correctly, it was used in a montage where the robot--which is named Chitti, by the way, something else that entertained me because I'm apparently seven years old--cooks, dances, teaches karate, dresses hair, applies make-up, gives pedicures, plays practical jokes, etc. No, this guy isn't just a military fightin' rock-'em-and-sock-'em robot. He's one who can deliver babies. Love this conversation prior to the baby delivery:

Chitti: May I try?
Person: Are you a doctor?
Chitti: I'm Chitti. (pause) The robot.
Person: Can you do this?
Chitti: Why not?

Then, there's an ultrasound where the baby is revealed to be a cartoon. Awesome. Chitti also has a ridiculous action scene and then, to blow your fucking mind even more, he starts singing. Of course, the most memorable parts of this are when the robot gets to show off his fighting skills. And those scenes defy all logic. Over-the-top, silly, but undeniably creative, these are action scenes that will leave you wanting to high-five yourself. The special effects are probably on par with the stuff in the second Matrix movie, and there's even a chase sequence that reminds me of what they did with cars in that movie. But whereas that Matrix crap was happening in some kind of fantasy land (I don't really know because I didn't understand those movies), this is supposed to be happening in the real world. Those ridiculous special effects stand out most during a train scene with some interesting fisticuff action, a scene with a flying baby, some fire, and a what-the-hell moment when some mosquitoes start talking to each other. Oh, and there's a scene with a woman getting hit by a car which I believe is the worst thing I have ever seen. But when that robot [SPOILER ALERT!] duplicates himself and all the Chitti robots start piling on top of each other to make giant towers or giant Chittis, it's sublime and will, if you're anything like me, make you pee in your pants. This stars "Superstar" Raiji in dual roles, and at first, I was thinking, "This guy doesn't look much like a superstar." But there was a point early in the movie where he does this little giggle, kind of like a robotic dough boy, and that put him well into "superstar" range. He is good as both human and robot although he's aided by special effects. Since this is Bollywood, you can expect lots of music, and the action and plot are interrupted a few too many times with bad music videos about how we need to watch them "robo shake it" and other stuff. I say "other stuff" because the music video song lyrics were not translated for me. They're slick, and I didn't mind watching Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, who I assume is also a superstar, dance around in a variety of colorful outfits, but the music videos are really why the fast-forward button was invented. There's also a lot of stuff that I'm pretty sure was supposed to be comedic but that I didn't understand because it's probably a cultural thing. This movie's also very very long with a plot that develops far too slowly. At about the hour and fifteen minute mark, a character actually says something like "Now the story has begun!" which made me think, "It's about time!" Don't get me wrong though. This is close to the greatest movie ever made.

I finished watching this movie at around 3 in the morning, I think, and I immediately emailed my brother to tell him to check it out. He probably hates me for it.

Cory's Birthday Movie Celebration: Destroy All Monsters!

1968 monster mayhem

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A posse of alien chicks invades earth by unleashing the collective of monsters imprisoned on Monster Land. Some astronauts have to find a way to defeat them. Rawr!

That's right--the tradition of honoring reader Cory's birthday in the cheapest way imaginable is continuing. This year, I've picked what I believe to be fifth on his favorite Godzilla movie list.

This is a movie very obviously made for children. There's nothing wrong with that, and that's better than the cartoon I thought it was going to be with a first scene involving a rocket blast-off. All of these movies are a little goofy, but this one just feels goofier. I think it might be the heavy narration, especially during the first part of the movie. When the narrator said "a place called Monster Land," I again thought that I was watching a cartoon. I am glad that he introduced all the monsters though. I didn't remember their names later on though, except for the ones I'd already seen in the other movies. I'll tell you one thing about that narrator and his description of Monster Land. There's a whole lot of science going on there. Also making this whole thing so goofy that adults should be embarrassed for liking it (No, I'm not talking about you, Cory, because that would be a terrible thing to do on your birthday.): a scene where Rodan eats a dolphin; a scene where Rodan humps another monster, dryly, I assume; a doctor's suicide with an obvious dummy and the longest scream I think I've ever heard in a movie; the 1999 laser guns that make pew-pew-pew sounds; the dubbed voice of this old guy; and another dubbed voice that is supposed to sound French, I guess. One of the scientists says "the monsters look cute" at one point, and that might be part of the problem. Some of them are a little too cute. Despite the goofiness, this is almost wall-to-wall action. And I liked seeing the monsters in new locations with some familiar landmarks. The miniature stuff is well done although the movie's pretty much done with urban settings by the midway point. Some of the miniatures are complex and even having moving parts. And they're grander in scale, probably because they needed to make room for ALL monsters. The city does look a little devoid of people though, a little lifeless. Maybe at this stage in this series of movies, people knew the signs and found safe locations when they knew giant monsters were on their way. This is packed with monsters, probably too many! I still don't care much for Rodan, but I did like the spiky guy and the long guy. Son of Godzilla? Well, I just don't know about him. His voice is really silly, and he shoots smoke rings. I enjoyed the alien monster tadpole things, but the "burning monster" which turns out to not even be a monster at all is about the lamest thing ever. Oh, and Ghidorah and his trio of heads makes an appearance. They really weren't kidding with the "all" in that title! Of course, the star of the show is Godzilla, and he gets his moments. One series of scenes has some guys running from Godzilla in the woods, and I'm pretty sure some of the shots inspired shots in Jurassic Park. My favorite Godzilla moment comes early, a scene where he does a crotch chop move like that bowler Pete Weber. With the same lively music I've come to expect from these Godzilla movies and barely a slow moment, this is a fun and entertaining giant monster movie. Especially for children!

Happy birthday, Cory!

Alien: Resurrection

1997 unnecessary sequel

Rating: 13/20

Plot: The Company clones Ripley, who had been knocked up by a Xenomorph in the last movie, in an effort to get their hands on an alien. Things go predictably wrong. Meanwhile, space pirates!

Lord help me, but I kind of like this movie. Nevertheless, there is absolutely no reason for it to exist. There's a lot to like about it though. First, it's got a cool cast. You get big Ronny Perlman hulking around and badassing it up. He, like a lot of characters, unfortunately has some really stupid things to say in this movie. ("So, like, what did you do?" made him sound like a teenage girl, and "Must be a chick thing" just seemed too much like sitcom dialogue.) Jeunet regular Dominique Pinon plays a cool character with an even cooler wheelchair and gets to butcher some lines in English. (Apparently, his "Who were you expecting--Santa Claus?" line was originally supposed to be "Who were you expecting--The Easter Bunny?" but he couldn't stop saying "English Bunny," forcing a script change. What a dumb line that is anyway!) Dan Hedaya acts like even he can't believe he's in an Alien movie. He overacts stupendously. And there's Brad Dourif, a guy who doubtfully can play a normal character. Here, he simulates a make-out session with the alien in one of the stranger scenes from the franchise. And there's boyish and cute-as-a-damn-button Winona Ryder whose presence forces me to give this a Winona Ryder bonus point. No pun intended! In fact--no pun at all! Oh, and somebody named Kim Flowers just may the subject of the very best shot in a franchise with a goldmine of great shots. Again, no pun intended. The problem with this movie isn't with the cast. The problem is that it's probably way too quirky and has some pacing issues. And the characters, as I mentioned say some dumb things. (Ripley: "Who do I have to fuck to get off this thing?") Why did Weaver have any interest at all in bringing this character back anyway? The character she plays here is really inconsistent, sometimes acting like one of those too-human androids with less ability to emote and sometimes sitting down with Winona Ryder's character to engage in a little girl talk so that the move can grind to a halt. She does get to show off her basketball skills in what was probably the dumbest moment in any of these four movies, so maybe she was using this to audition for the WNBA. I'm not even sure the basic premise of this movie--cloning a Ripley and an alien--makes sense, but I suppose you have to forget all about science when watching some science fiction movies. Speaking of Ripley clones, one of the failed efforts was kind of hot, and if  you've seen this movie recently, I think you know exactly which one I'm talking about. In a few hundred years, everybody could probably have their own Ripley clone in their homes. Something else I find hard to believe about all this is that there are still people who are going to be smoking that far into the future. Seems like evolution would get rid of that stupid habit. I'm a Christian though, so I'm not even sure how evolution works. Despite the myriad of problems with this movie that shouldn't even exist, it is a little bit of fun and does look very good. It's no surprise that Delicatessen and City of Lost Children guy Jean-Pierre Jeunet can handle the visuals. The special effects are probably the best of the series, right from the start with some grotesque opening credits. There's a ton of gore if you're into that sort of thing. This, interestingly enough, sets up for a sequel way much more than the third installment, Alien Cubed.

Alien 3

1992 sequel sequel

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Ripley, that robot, and that little girl from the last movie crash land on a planet formerly used as a prison but now the home of some religious cult. And, then aliens.

Alien 3? Maybe it's Alien Cubed, but that makes me think I might have to do math. Maybe it's unfair of me, but I really want to penalize this for including an exponent in the title. This movie wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. Weaver goes completely bald, completing her metamorphosis into Bruce Willis. In a way, I respect this more than the second movie in the Alien quadrilogy. Wait a second. Is that even a word? I'm fairly positive the word is tetralogy, not quadrilogy. Anyway, I almost want to respect this more because it's not a big dumb Hollywood action movie. The music's also better in this one. The special effects? Not so much. I do respect that they still use puppets and guys in costume over computer effects, but there's a lot of blue screen use (Or is it a green screen? Why do I even have a movie blog? I don't seem to know anything! Is that why I only have 4 1/2 readers?) that looks really silly. I do like how the puppet/person-in-costume movies and looks though. The plot of this third installment just doesn't seem very confident. This one stumbles around a lot more than that graceful first entry and doesn't hit the excitement level of the second movie. There are some lackadaisical attempts to say something about religion or euthanasia, maybe, but the screenwriter's heart doesn't seem into it. There's some clumsiness--a scene where some guys are running away from the alien while holding sparklers, some humor during a scene where they're trying to trap the thing--and I had trouble caring for any of the characters with the exception of the robot who comes in briefly. The dialogue is really poorly written. There are certainly a lot of "fucks" in this movie, probably to make the guys all sound tough, but when Weaver throws out her own "fuck," it's almost embarrassing. Here's what I do really like about this movie though--nobody is spared in this one, shockingly. The movie starts by killing off a little girl who Ripley fought her ass off to save in the first movie. And yes, I apologize for spoiling the beginning of the movie for you if you haven't seen this. And then it continues by killing off characters who you're not really ready to see die yet. It's kinda ballsy, right up until the end. That ending, by the way, probably would have made a good conclusion to the franchise. Not sure why Alien to the Fourth Power was necessary unless somebody just wanted money.

My spell check tells me that neither tetralogy or quadrilogy are words.

The Cat

1992 sci-fi kitty movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A guy apparently named Wei Si Li but who my English subtitles called Wisely and who is played by an actor named Waise Lee gets involved with a couple of people and a cat who are trying to save the world from an alien. I guess.

Really weird science fiction movie from the director of Riki-Oh. This actually has a fight scene that bests anything in that splatterific kung-fu extravaganza--a fight between the titular feline and a mean dog. Seriously, that is something else, one of those scenes that you watch and think, "I can't believe I'm seeing this on my television screen!" I call this a weird movie, probably because I don't understand it, but there's not much that really stands out as being weirder than any other science fiction movie if you think about it. Somehow, however, all the parts add up to something that just ain't right. There's a really cool monster, the kind that only Asians can manufacture. There's also this Robocop-type figure, flying cats, and other hardcore shenanigans, and it all made very little sense to me. That didn't stop me from enjoying myself, more than I did when watching Riki-Oh at least. My favorite bits include the gelatinous tree monster thing, an electrocuted dog, a subtitle that read "I never knew a cat could fight to and so hard!", tail repair, and a scene where the cat jumps through a window and makes a perfect cat-shaped hole in the glass. I didn't think glass could break that way, but who am I to argue with The Cat or, as it's also apparently known, The 1,000 Year Cat. This was sadly director Ngai Choi Lam's final movie.

Save the Green Planet!

2003 Korean movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Some guy with some emotional problems kidnaps business executives because he believes they are aliens planning a takeover of the titular green planet. A private investigator and a young cop try to find the latest kidnapped rich guy and the culprit. Meanwhile, aliens might be preparing an invasion.

This movie took a little while to grab me. Once it did, I enjoyed its inventive style, quirkiness, and twists. It's the type of movie where you sort of think you know what's going on, and then you realize that you're not sure what's going on. Fun ride. It's got some blood and torture, but it's also got its fair share of black comedy. And there's a message in the mess about our violent culture, a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey, and a couple covers of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." I liked the guy who played the disgraced detective, a guy with enough cool he made me want to get my own brown leather jacket and lose some of my hair. The movie's plot might frustrate some because it's a little all over the place, and this shifts from one genre to the next in ways that may give you a wryneck. You've got a little romance, a tale of childhood trauma, the torture porn stuff, the comedy, a crime/mystery thing, a revenge story, and some science fiction shenanigans. At times, it's even fairly emotional. And there's a great scene where a guy shoots bees. Expect the unexpected when you dive into this unique movie.

Aliens

1986 sequel

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Ripley's convinced to travel with some soldiers to the planet from the first movie to check on some colonists. They have to square off against a bunch of Xenomorphs.

This replaces the chilling atmospherics and almost raw poetic and almost elegant creepiness from the first movie with non-stop action. And as far as non-stop action Hollywood blockbustin' action goes, James Cameron nails it. This pretty much takes the ideas from the first movie and increases the quantity while sacrificing the quality. This is bigger, bloodier, and louder, but if the first movie is a knockout, this is like a violent and exciting uppercut that looks great on the television before replays show that it didn't connect with anything. And Ripley's underwear fits a little better. The minimalist music that worked so effectively in the first movie is replaced with dull, predictable stuff. The space scenes look terrible compared to the first, odd since this comes about seven years after its predecessor. The characters run around like living and breathing stereotypes. There's a black guy chewing on a cigar, a bunch of asshole marines, an ultra-tough Latina, Paul Reiser's villain. They're Hollywood clichés except for my favorite character in this--Lance Henriksen's android Bishop. Bill Paxton is awful as one of the space marines and was apparently told that he needed to screech all of his lines. As much as I hate cats, I wasn't happy with the kid Newt who replaced the cat from the first movie. With this collection of characters, it's not hard to see why I was rooting for the titular aliens pretty early in the proceedings. Sigourney Weaver's character turns into Bruce Willis--taping space guns and flamethrowers together and discovering her inner-badass. Actually, I guess she retains her hair in this movie, so maybe she doesn't quite turn into Bruce yet. I was surprised to learn that she was nominated as Best Actress for this. She's at her best as Ripley here, but is it a Best Actress worthy performance? Maybe she was nominated for the scene in the elevator where she screams, "Come on, God damn it!" I've decided that I'm going to do that every time I use an elevator from now on. Don't get me wrong. This is a mostly entertaining movie even when it feels a little too ludicrous. Cameron knows how to put together an action sequence, and the last half of this movie is relentless action--just action piled on top of action, an orgy of action! It's a great action movie, but that's a little disappointing since its predecessor approached something a little closer to great art.

Supposedly, there's a subtext here, and this is a Vietnam allegory. I don't know anything about that. I didn't learn about Vietnam in school.

Alien

1979 sci-fi horror classic

Rating: 18/20

Plot: The titular fiend is loose on a spaceship where it starts picking off the crew one by one. A woman with ill-fitting underpants has to stop it.

This is the movie that my "ill-fitting underpants" tag was made for. And this is a movie that I was fascinated by way before I saw it. It came out when I was six, far too young to see it since the poster alone is terrifying. My father, however, bought me a Xenomorph doll, a foot-tall plastic guy with a button in the back that, when pushed, pushed a second set of menacing teeth from his mouth. It was not an appropriate gift for a child of six, and I didn't know what to do with it. I probably had my Star Wars action figures kill it over and over again. Anyway, I saw the monster in this franchise long before I saw the first movie which seems odd because one of the reasons why I think this movie works so well is that they don't let you see the monster for a really long time. You see eggs, you see a Facehugger (coincidentally also the name of something you can purchase from certain prostitutes), and you see the Xenomorph in bits and pieces, but you don't see the monster as well as I saw it in plastic form on my birthday when I was six.

It's hard to find a flaw in this movie, and I should probably give it a 20/20 just because it's one of the best science fiction movies of all time, one of the best horror movies of all time, and probably the very best horror/sci-fi movies of all time. The story's derivative, and it's easy to find the same yarn spun in the 50's and 60s'. Here, here, and this here Mario Bava film are some examples I could think of. The story had never been told like this, and it's never been told this successfully since. The opening credits and the way the title appears--deliberately, like the rest of the movie--with the scraping and rumbling minimalistic music set the tone early. Then, Ridley Scott gives us a tour of the Nostromo, taking his time to get to any characters or a story. The characters are snoozing anyway. The set design for the spaceship is impressive except for the Christmas lights on the bottom of it. That tour of the Nostromo creates this sense of loneliness, makes it palpable. Space looks great in this movie, too, no better than what Kubrick did the previous decade though. Kubrick didn't have Harry Dean Stanton though, and this movie does. There's not a lot of character develop here as they're kind of just there to be killed by the Xenomorph. But they get to exist like you'd figure bored astronauts would exist. I like how the dialogue is handled during a less-famous dinner scene where the characters talk like they think they're in a Robert Altman movie. The biggest surprise about the characters? Just look at the last three survivors--a black guy and two girls. Who would have predicted that? The black guys are always the first to go in horror movies! And women? A lot of the fear in this is because of how effective Scott is at building up tension. It's relentless, even if you've seen the movie. It's almost relentless even if you're not seeing the movie. There are times in this when you could listen to the sound effects alone and be terrified. There are a ton of memorable scenes and shots. The more-famous dinner scene reminds me of a Thanksgiving dinner I was once at, only less gruesome. I still remember watching that scene for the first time and being shocked and mesmerized. And check out that cute little guy skitter across the room! There are scenes that would terrify claustrophobics even more than non-claustrophobics, but a lot of the fear, I think, has to do the amount of sexual imagery in this thing. The imagery hits you more psychologically--taking advantage of women's fears of being sexually assaulted and men's fears of being attacked by a homosexual. Next time you watch this thing, watch for sexual imagery just to see if I'm making it up.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie on Facebook with Friends: The Beast with 1,000,000 Eyes

1955 sci-fi horror movie

Rating: 4/20 (Libby: 4/20; Fred: 6/20; Josh: 7/20)

Plot: A really dysfunctional family of three living on ranch with a mute ranch-hand have their unhappy lives disrupted by an alien.

The most interesting thing about this movie for me was Chester Conklin who plays Ben, an elderly neighbor. His performance stood out in a mostly boring movie because he acts like he's only seen silent films with every expression and gesture exaggerated. I was entertained and looked him up. Turns out he was in over 300 movies from 1913 to 1966 including a role in The Great Dictator where he's shaved by Chaplin to Brahms' Hungarian Dance. This movie hammers home the family-sticking-together theme, hammers so hard that it's painful. For the first half of the movie, they really are as dysfunctional as a family can be, so much that it's actually a little uncomfortable. The mother, played by Lorna Thayer, is an especially abrasive character. Paul Birch plays the dad, stoically. He can't make his ranch work, probably because he spends all day driving around, but he sure becomes an expert on this alien invasion really quickly. I think the makers of this--director David Kramarsky was allowed to direct nothing else while screenwriter Tom Filer only had one other movie [The Space Children] to his name--decided that they were running out of time and had to rush things along at the end. Something like that must have happened with the title of this thing, too.

MGM executives: Hey, guys. We need a title for that science fiction movie. We need to start advertising that sucker.
Kramarsky: Hmm. What should we call this thing?
Filer: Don't look at me! This is the only thing I've ever written.
MGM executives: Hurry, fellas, or we're not going to let you make anymore movies.
Filer: Umm. Uhh. The Beast! Call it The Beast!
Kramarsky: Yeah, that's good. It's got three eyes, too. Let's go with The Beast with Three Eyes!
MGM executives: The Beast with Three Eyes? That ain't gonna sell. We need more eyes!
Filer: How about a hundred?
MGM executives: Ehh.
Kramarsky: A thousand?
MGM executives: Hmm. That's better.
Filer and Kramarsky: A million! The Beast with a Million Eyes!
MGM executives: Fellas, we've got a hit on our hands!

They make you wait for that titular beast. Wait, wait, and wait some more. When you finally get to see the thing, you're disappointed that it's a monster with two eyes with one eye superimposed over it. They show it for about thirty seconds, presumably because it's too ridiculous to show for longer. The best effect, by far, is during a couple bird attack scenes when fake birds (I hope) are thrown at a car by somebody off camera. The monster or the brainwashed birds (or dog or cow--those are the "eyes," I guess) aren't nearly as creepy as the mute who doesn't have a name until they decide to give him one at the end of the movie along with a back story. This is a movie that manages to make very little sense but still seems derivative, and that combination is no easy feat. And this is a strong contender for worst dialogue to end a film ever [Spoiler Alert!]:

[Characters see and almost shoot an eagle.]
Wife: Allan, wait. Have you ever seen an eagle around here before.
Husband: No, what's that have to do with it?
Wife: Let it go. Don't kill it, Allan. I wonder where it came from. And, Allan, there's something else. What killed the creature in the ship?
Husband: Where did the eagle come from? Why do men have souls?
Wife: If I could answer that, I'd be more than human. I'd be. . .
Husband: Yes.
[End of movie]

What?

Humanoids from the Deep

1980 horror movie

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Damn science! Once again, scientists dick around and accidentally create rampaging monsters. In this case, it's fish men who go around slicing up men with their deadly claws and violating women with their hideous reproductive organs. I guess they should have all listened to the Native American.

This is also, as you can tell from the poster called Monster. But that's not nearly clever enough for a movie made by people who can afford three monster costumes, the amount that is shown on screen at the same time. Yes, this is a cheap production as you'd expect something from Roger Corman to be. But it made up for its cheapness with the half-man/half-fish rape scenes. I mean, you never saw Jaws rape anybody unless you saw that titular beast as the phallic symbol that he was and saw the whole movie as some sort of rape allegory. I kind of liked how the monsters looked in this thing. They had these enormous heads and elongated arms, the latter which I imagine made groping teenagers a lot easier. This movie also has a fantastic ending, one that only sort of looks like it might have been stolen from another (more famous) movie that came out the previous year. And there was a random ventriloquist dummy in this thing as well as a splinters joke that I'm definitely going to be using if I ever get my hands on a ventriloquist dummy. This isn't the worst of these low-budget sci-fi horror hybrids, and the climactic scene where the monsters unleash their fury at a carnival that for whatever reason wasn't cancelled has its moments. And those monsters really do look kind of cool in a very ridiculous way. But this just feels like something we've all seen several times before.

Cloud Atlas

2012 epic

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Six semi-connected stories about human beings spanning from the 1840s to the 24th Century. There's a lawyer on a boat, a slave on the same boat, a bisexual composer, nuclear physicists, a reporter trying to uncover a secret, a publisher in a nursing home operated like a prison, that guy's brother, a clone, a bunch of other clones, a tough-guy rebel, Forrest Gump, a visitor from a distant and technologically-advanced society, and a guy with a hat. I'd like to apologize to any characters I may have left out.

This is the best thing that Tom Tykwer or the Wachowski siblings have ever been associated with, and I can't figure out why it A) wasn't critically lauded and B) the recipient of countless awards. I went into this thing expecting to hate it, partially because I thought it looked kinda stupid in previews and partly because of its almost three-hour running time. And it is an exhausting experience, one that I started too late at night and ended up watching in two installments. I still wasn't thrilled about the length, but when you essentially have six movies packed into three hours, you really can't complain. That's six movies for the price of one, people. This is also exhausting because it does take a little intellectual effort from the audience. The individual plots aren't that difficult to follow unless you, like me, are confused by science fiction. What might be frustrating to a lot of viewers is how these six stories are portrayed--in disjointed snippets, some lasting barely longer than a few seconds. There's a jumpiness that at first I didn't like or understand, but once I got used to the rhythm and started finding connections between the individual stories, it made sense. And a lot of the transitions between these time chunks were pretty brilliant. Also connecting the stories were that the characters in the different eras were played by the same actors. Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugo Weaving, Jim Sturgess, and Hugh Grant play six characters each while Jim Broadbent and Ben Whishaw play five each. Nobody gets away with just playing one character, and some of these performers brilliantly play people of drastically different ages, different races, and even different genders. A lot of times, they're unrecognizable. Well, not Tom Hanks. He's pretty easy to spot. Maybe it sounds cheesy or gimmicky, but it works with the movie's themes and it's all so well executed. Tom Hanks is mostly very good, but he and his forehead were a little distracting. I almost wished those parts were played by somebody not as easy to recognize. Don't get me wrong though--I'm not trying to put down Tom Hanks. I would never do something like that. Hugo Weaving plays villainous dudes, and he plays villainous dudes so well that you suspect the guy tortures small animals in his spare time. I found this whole thing enormously entertaining. There were several of those big memorable moments where you think to yourself, "Man, this is something special." There are fragments of dialogue that are very beautiful. There's action, romance, some humor. There's historical and science fiction, a story that plays like a political thriller and one that is nearly slapstick comedy. And there's a message that, while maybe simple when compared to the complex layout of this beast, is also beautiful. I really liked this! Epic, enthralling, and ambitious, this is a movie that I think people will finally be ready for in ten or fifteen years.

I fully expect at least one of my 4 1/2 readers to disagree completely. I'd love to hear why I'm wrong about this one.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: The Giant Behemoth

1959 giant thing movie

Rating: 12/20 (Fred: 14/20 [Note: He did fall asleep for about ten minutes during this movie.]; Libby: 10/20; Carrie:  15/20; Ozzy: 16/20)

Plot: Atomic bomb testing leads to the formation of the titular monster which invades London.

Think about that title--The Giant Behemoth. Can you really have a tiny behemoth? Love the redundancy there. And then look at that tagline at the top of the poster. The biggest thing since creation!? That seems like the type of thing they put up there because they couldn't think of anything else and figured they could think of something else later but then forgot. The biggest thing since creation! I'm pretty positive I've seen bigger things. And I know my wife has if you catch my drift. Anyway, behemoth is a good word to know. And so is bathyscope which, thanks to this movie, my friends and I now know how to spell. This week's bad movie genre was "big things wreaking havoc" and although it took a while for havoc to be wreaked, the monster payoff was a satisfying one. I didn't expect stop-motion animation, and it wasn't the greatest stop-motion animation that I've ever seen, but it added a little personality to an otherwise drab production. Yes, the beast is stepping on the same toy car several times, you see the same people running and screaming in terror, and the behemoth takes far too long to trudge down a single block. But the special effects are at least fun, and the extras do a great job fleeing in terror. You do have to wait a long time before that payoff though. Clumsy science drives the first part of the movie, but at least the acting isn't too bad for a 50's sci-fi flick. My favorite performance by far is that of Jack MacGowran who plays a paleontologist. He's got the oddest expressions and plays the part as if he wasn't sure how a paleontologist should act so just decided to play it nonhumanly. The makers of this leaned a little on giant music to create suspense that otherwise probably wasn't there. This isn't the greatest giant monster movie you're likely to see, but it's not a terrible one and has a final twenty minutes that are definitely entertaining. Oh, and a great scene where the behemoth, which in this movie is pretty large, attacks a boat.

Logan's Run

1976 sci-fi nonsense

Rating: 13/20

Plot: It's 2274, and everything's great in a hedonistic society where people don't do much of anything but enjoy each other's company. And wear bad clothing. Man, people in the future dress poorly. The only problem is that everybody dies at the age of 30 in a Carousel ritual. Some citizens don't like that and try to flee, and it's up to the Sandmen to chase them down. The titular Sandman, while on a mission, discovers that there's more going on than people think.

This is often unfairly compared to Star Wars which came out only a year later and looked so much better. It also seems to have a few things in common--the use of national landmarks, I guess--with Planet of the Apes which came out around eight years earlier. Neither of those movies had Farrah Fawcett, however, and Logan's Run definitely has some Farrah Fawcett. It's also got Michael York who looks even more plastic than he normally does, and Jenny Agutter who out-cutes even Farrah Fawcett. This is a little cold, maybe even for a science fiction movie, so I don't really care much about the characters or their relationships. The most dynamic relationship is between Logan and his Sandman buddy played by Richard Jordan. The best two characters aren't main characters at all. There's one of the dumbest-looking robots ever, a robot named Box voiced by Roscoe Lee Browne. "Welcome, humans!" And then there's Peter Ustinov who stumbles into the movie and starts eating the marble. The breathy laugh when he comments about his name, the way he says "Cats!", gratuitous lip-smacking, a terrific elderly hip thrust during a poem recitation. And his "Nothing sadder than a dead fish" makes me wonder if Ustinov was allowed to improvise during his scenes. He's great and hammy though, and a movie that was already visually interesting and only kinda dull really picks up when York and Agutter run into his character. A lot of the special effects are so crappy that it's a wonder they were allowed to happy (The use of sparklers is a bit of a distraction, for example), but I really did like how a lot of this looked. The Carousel scene is really dopey, but it's visually neat. There's also some great music--all abstract synthesizer tinklings--and a fair share of nudity for a movie rated PG. For a sci-fi movie about a dystopian society, you almost want a little more depth, some kind of big message, but this one's here mostly for entertainment and doesn't really deliver anything like that.

The Brainiac

1962 Mexican horror/sci-fi hybrid

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The titular baron del terror, if you go with the Spanish title, is burned in 1661 for being witchy and generally foul. He finds himself in 1961 via comet where he gets his revenge by killing off the descendants of those who executed him. Some astronomers try to stop him.

This gets a 15/20 from me because it's the most ridiculous monster that I've seen in a very long time. See that thing on the poster? That's not the drawing of a child who stumbled upon this movie on cable and then drew a picture of the thing. That's actually what the guy looks like! Those rubbery finger things move a little like lobster claws, spongy lobster claws. And his face, very obviously a mask, inflates and deflates, almost as if somebody is pumping air into it to make it look more alive or something. And that forked tongue ludicrously extends in a way that I assume is supposed to be menacing. This picture doesn't quite do the thing justice:

So the special effects aren't very good. Just check that burning baron in an opening scene and, after way more astronomy than you're likely to need, a comet. Or when the comet lowers a giant rock to the ground with a visible string. Or the use of what seems to be a flashlight turned on and off while pointed at the baron's face--when he is in his human form--to make him seem hypnotic since he's supposed to be, you know, hypnotizing people. But there's just something special going on here. There's a great atmosphere created, mostly with the lighting. Early on, there are people in black hoods against a backdrop of almost nothing, just a few fake trees. It reminded me of the setting for a Universal monster movie. There's also a great scene with the monster's shadow on a wall as he approaches a victim in a sheer nightgown. And despite the goofy look of the monster, you've got to appreciate his modus operandi. There are so many awkward silences during which the baron in his human form and a character who is about to die just stare at each other. And when he doesn't have a living human handy, he's got a goblet full of brains to snack on. There's also an actress I really enjoyed watching in this--Rosa Maria Gallardo. Boy, oh, boy. In a lot of ways, The Brainiac is just your typical B-movie; however, it's one of those type of movies I won't forget about which makes it stand above the others. Director Chano Urueta might have been going for cheap thrills here, but he accidentally stumbled upon something nearly magical.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie on Facebook with Friends: Starchaser: The Legend of Orin

1985 animated science fiction

Rating: 13/20 (Fred: 12/20; Josh: 11/20; Libby: 13/20, although she fell asleep; Carrie: technical difficulties)

Plot: Robots keep humans underground as mining slaves until one finds a magic sword hilt and pops up the surface to have a look around.

We wanted a bad animated flick for the Bad Movie Club this week, and although I was really pushing a Titanic cartoon on my friends [Note: A different Titanic cartoon than the one with the rapping dogs that I reviewed last year], they eventually decided on this one. I agreed because I had been accused of being a Bad Movie Club dictator and wanted to change that perception. Libby suggested it initially and fought hard to get everybody else on board. Then, of course, she fell asleep long before it was over.

I actually kind of liked the movie. The storytelling's a mess, and the titular hero--the Luke Skywalker of this Star Wars rip-off--is a little lame. The main baddie--the Darth Vader--isn't very compelling and never seems quite as intimidating as he should. I think it has more to do with his wardrobe choices than anything else. There are a ton of creative ideas, however, including these mandroids that search for body parts in a Dali-esque swampy landscape and a really cool spaceship--the Millennium Falcon of this movie. The action sequences, especially the little spaceship battles, are as confusing as they are well done, and there's even a scene in which a cigar-chomping character named Dag--the Han Solo of this movie--violates a female android by manipulating her butt circuits. Dag calls Orin a "little water snake"--kind of like how Han Solo calls Luke "kid" in the original trilogy--which made Josh decide that he's going to call me his "little water snake" at school next year which makes this barely effective teacher want to do something else for a career. There really were a lot of Star Wars parallels, but this also seemed to borrow from Masters of the Universe, Dune, Back to the Future (only because they were life vests like Marty), and Terminator. As mentioned, the story's got issues. There's a lot of meandering and too much of a blind kid, a character that leads to an ending detail that nearly ruined the entire movie. Oh, add the Gospels to things the makers of this borrowed from. I forgot that one. More annoying than the blind kid is a little fuzzy glowing thing--the Ewoks of this movie--that randomly save the universe a few too many times. So although there is some cool animated landscapes and nifty-looking characters, this is a little too much of a mess. Of course, I didn't watch this in 3D like I was supposed to, so maybe I'm missing out on the artistic genius. I did enjoy the score, a very synthy and cheesy 80's sound that had my toes tapping throughout the movie.

That poster up there is very misleading, by the way. That blind kid never rides a horse.

Island of Terror

1966 science fiction horror movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Scientists using radiation to look for a cure for cancer accidentally create spongy turtlish tentacle things that pussyfoot around an island and suck out its inhabitants bones. Scientists have to helicopter in and try to stop them!

It was the last week of school, and I decided to spend my prep periods watching a movie since that sounds like something a barely effective teacher would do. I stumbled upon this randomly and accidentally watched a second movie in a row with Peter Cushing. And he has something happen to him here that is a very Star Warsy thing to have happen to somebody even though it is not something that happened to him in Star Wars. The monsters--Silicates, apparently--are really silly but are so different from anything I've seen in a movie like this that I kind of ended up liking them. They really are like spongy turtles with a stalk thing that sticks out the front of them and grabs potential victims. The slurping sound effects during those victims' demises are a nice touch. The problem is that they're not very menacing. They move so slowly and just kind of sit there when the characters are shooting at them, tiptoeing around them with Geiger counters, or hurling sticks of dynamite in their directions. Sometimes, they're crafty and fall out of trees on to unsuspecting victims. I can't imagine the things climbing trees. The solution to the titular island's problem--a solution that involves cattle--seems a little goofy, but I'm sure it makes perfect scientific sense. I'm not about to argue with science on this blog! This was produced by the same people who made Fiend without a Face which I rated harshly and made fun of. The titular fiends in that one resemble smaller versions of the Silicates. Anyway, this isn't a terrible movie. It's got the kind of script which can make scientists seem cool, something that causes me not to trust a movie quite as much, but it's got a little atmosphere, interesting scientific detective work, and some pretty cool little slurping monsters.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: Invasion of the Saucer Men

1957 science fiction movie

Rating: 9/20 (Libby: 7/20; Fred: 16/20; Carrie: 9/20; Chris: left because of newborn issues)

Plot: Teenagers' make-out sessions are interrupted by the titular invasion of some broccoli-headed aliens. One couple runs over one with a car, and they find themselves in trouble when a dead human is found in its place. Oh, snap!

The broccoli-headed aliens are great. Not sure how they even walk with heads that bulbous. I also liked a scene where a severed alien hand grew a hand and started moving around. Man, teenagers could make out in the 50's. They were going at it for what seemed to be hours of movie time. They've all got that "golly-gee" attitude that I'm sure all 50's teenagers actually had. They're all essentially the same character except some of them get to talk more. My favorite character was the farmer who owned the fields they were parking on in order to lock lips for hours. He's played by Raymond Hatton who acted in 416 things in his nearly 60 year career, a career that started in 1909. I'm sure this nearly unintelligible farmer was one of the highlights. Frank Gorshin, playing the town drunk, is also in this movie, but I didn't know that until about five minutes ago when I was looking up the farmer's name. The best thing about the movie is the morality they try to inject into the thing at the end, a hugely silly anti-booze message. The worst thing about the movie is the oppressive soundtrack. The music is constant and overwhelming. Phone-cranking and looking out of windows just aren't actions that need music to make them more cinematic. This is just silly enough to be watchable.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: Dead Heat

1988 zombie movie

Rating: 9/20 (Fred: 8/20; Libby: 7/20; Ozzy: 8/20; Josh: left before rating; Carrie: also left before rating)

Plot: A pair of cops fight off zombies created to commit robberies of jewelry stores. One of them turns into a zombie himself, and it's a race against the clock as they try to figure out who's responsible for the zombification.

Ozzy, the youngest member of our little Bad Movie Club, was annoyed because "zombies don't shoot guns" and because "no one can get that messed up." He apparently doesn't give Vincent Price bonus points. Price is in this for only a short amount of time, probably all he could handle at this stage of his career, but he certainly classes up the movie a little bit. As always, he's great to see, especially when trilling his R's in a movie where R-trilling seems completely out of place. Joe Piscopo does the opposite of "class things up," whatever that is. Piscopo doesn't quite have enough screen presence to make up for his lack of acting ability, and he's not funny or likable. He's like a big dopey gorilla, and he's got this thing where he'll say one of his stupid lines (i.e. "Sorry to interrupt your erection, pal.") in a way where it's obvious he wants to be noticed for saying it. He doesn't quite look at the camera and wink, but he might as well do it. This thing is painfully written anyway, and Joe Piscopo's delivery and/or general personality somehow makes it all worse. I can't knock the guy's triceps though. Treat Williams isn't much better. It's almost like he's brought down by being in the same room with Piscopo or something. Darren McGavin is Piscopo-proof and is as good as you'd expect him to be. The story's really goofy and not really effective as either horror or comedy. In fact, it's sort of painful as comedy. There are a few inspired moments, however, including one that involves zombified duck heads and some hulking decapitated meat monster. In fact, if you just watch the scene that takes place in a butcher's shop and nothing else, you will probably think this is some kind of horror-comedy classic, something directed by Raimi or Jackson maybe. The zombies look ok but they don't have much personality. They're kind of blandly gross and blandly menacing, even when they are armed. A corpulent one that Joe engages in fisticuffs with isn't a bad little zombie.  This movie is full of dumb. Of course, that's what makes it tolerable to watch on Facebook with a few friends, I guess.

I picked the French (I think) poster for this because Piscopo wasn't holding up a pair of panties and making a stupid face on the others.

Star Slammer

1986 women's prison space adventure

Rating: 5/20

Plot: A scantily-clad woman is arrested and taken to a women's prison on a space ship. She tries to escape.

The other title--Prison Ship--would have given away that this is a women's prison/science fiction mash-up. I thought I was just popping in a Star Wars rip-off, but then there's lesbianism and cat fights with other scantily-clad women. Fred Olen Ray--co-director of Dinosaur Island, a movie that barely looks like it has even one director--created this gem, and a glance at his filmography probably should have at least given away that there would be some sleaze. The heroine, played by Sandy Brooke who reminded me a little of Joanna Kerns, was cute enough and tough-looking enough, and the other women brought just the perfect amount of skank to their roles. The beginning part of the movie takes place on some anonymous planet, but I'm going to go ahead and guess that it was filmed on Earth. There's a bulky vehicle that I'm sure was borrowed from some other B-movie and a variety of alien things that look kind of cool along with a bunch of incoherent action. The majority of the movie takes place on the ship, and it gets a little tiresome and redundant after a while. The sets are cheap, and the thrills are cheaper. No amount of rubber rodents, robot rodents voiced by the director, a handful of goofy-looking alien guys, or over-the-top dialogue of Bantor--a Vader-type character played by the incomparable Ross Hagen--could save this movie. And neither can a five-minute scene where one of the women finds a harmonica and plays it.

My wife saw a few scenes from this and said, "I don't like this movie." But she did miss the sleaziest parts.