Logan's Run

1976 sci-fi nonsense

Rating: 13/20

Plot: It's 2274, and everything's great in a hedonistic society where people don't do much of anything but enjoy each other's company. And wear bad clothing. Man, people in the future dress poorly. The only problem is that everybody dies at the age of 30 in a Carousel ritual. Some citizens don't like that and try to flee, and it's up to the Sandmen to chase them down. The titular Sandman, while on a mission, discovers that there's more going on than people think.

This is often unfairly compared to Star Wars which came out only a year later and looked so much better. It also seems to have a few things in common--the use of national landmarks, I guess--with Planet of the Apes which came out around eight years earlier. Neither of those movies had Farrah Fawcett, however, and Logan's Run definitely has some Farrah Fawcett. It's also got Michael York who looks even more plastic than he normally does, and Jenny Agutter who out-cutes even Farrah Fawcett. This is a little cold, maybe even for a science fiction movie, so I don't really care much about the characters or their relationships. The most dynamic relationship is between Logan and his Sandman buddy played by Richard Jordan. The best two characters aren't main characters at all. There's one of the dumbest-looking robots ever, a robot named Box voiced by Roscoe Lee Browne. "Welcome, humans!" And then there's Peter Ustinov who stumbles into the movie and starts eating the marble. The breathy laugh when he comments about his name, the way he says "Cats!", gratuitous lip-smacking, a terrific elderly hip thrust during a poem recitation. And his "Nothing sadder than a dead fish" makes me wonder if Ustinov was allowed to improvise during his scenes. He's great and hammy though, and a movie that was already visually interesting and only kinda dull really picks up when York and Agutter run into his character. A lot of the special effects are so crappy that it's a wonder they were allowed to happy (The use of sparklers is a bit of a distraction, for example), but I really did like how a lot of this looked. The Carousel scene is really dopey, but it's visually neat. There's also some great music--all abstract synthesizer tinklings--and a fair share of nudity for a movie rated PG. For a sci-fi movie about a dystopian society, you almost want a little more depth, some kind of big message, but this one's here mostly for entertainment and doesn't really deliver anything like that.

Visioneers

2008 dystopian comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: George Washington Winsterhammerman is a lowly employee at the Jeffers Corporation in the not-terribly-distant future. People begin exploding from stress, and when impotent and disenchanted George begins experiencing some of the warning signs, he looks for a way to prevent it from happening.

This feels way too much like something that I've already seen a few times. It also doesn't feel like a very complete movie. I like Zach Galifianakis fine as a bumbling everyman, but his story is a sketchy one, and I never really feel like I have a grasp on the world in which he lives. Or sort of lives. There are some nice enough ideas here, and I like what the movie has to say even though it's been said so many times already in other movies.

But I am glad I stuck around to see Aubrey Morris, that guy from A Clockwork Orange and The Wicker Man (the good one, not the comedy with Nicolas Cage), make an appearance. He's great!

The Terminator

1984 Schwarzenegger movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: In the distant future (I think, 2007), machines have taken over the world. The titular robotic assassin is sent back in time to terminate a women who will later give birth to a guy who will mess up the robots' picnic. Some other guy also travels back in time to try to stop him and maybe to convince him to put on a pair of pants.

I don't know how old I was, but I have a fond memory of watching this movie at some relative or step-relative's house following a game at Busch Stadium, the second one, that ended with a diving catch by Willie McGee. I slept in this person's basement and found this on the television when I was probably flipping through the stations in search of nudity. The next day, I got to try out a pogo stick. The step-relatives had a cute girl who lived next door, and I'll bet she still thinks about how impressive I looked on that pogo stick. Or in those yellow shorts that were a little too short.

But I digress. That has nothing to do with what this movie's all about which is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger's penis. It's probably the second most exciting Arnold Schwarzeneggar movie moment right next to that scene where he fights a guy in a bear suit in Hercules in New York. Soon after naked Arnold arrives in 1980-something, he punches through a guy and steals a guy's clothes. Now Arnold, if you haven't noticed, is a fairly large man. I'd think it was pretty lucky that he found a random guy whose clothes fit him so well. Speaking of random guys, that's really what James Cameron is good at here--allowing random guys to shine. There's the "Hey, man, you got a dead cat in there?" guy, the "That son of a bitch took my pants!" guy, and the guy on the telephone who says, "Hey, man, you have a serious attitude problem," all which makes it seem like Cameron has never actually met real people. Arnold never acts like a real person, but he surprisingly plays an emotionless robot really well and has a screen presence that makes almost every moment of screen time he has exciting. The plot's a little on the goofy side, and the flashback sequence special effects and the general story line, almost thirty years later, are very dated. I kept expecting Doc Brown to run out and yell at Arnold and Michael Biehn for messing up the space-time continuum or something. I did like the stop-motion terminator action at the end though. Solid sci-fi entertainment. I have not, by the way, seen any of the sequels. I think I did eat a Terminator cereal at one point though, but that could all be in my imagination. Phallus-shaped marshmallows?

Urine Couch Sans Couch A.M. Movie Club: Twelve Monkeys

1995 simian treat

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Bruce Willis's head is sent back in time on a dare to see how many monkeys he can fit in his trousers. Or pants. Or whatever. Somehow, an Elvis impersonator and a pixie are involved, and some French guy gets shot at a train station. The pixie's got her hand down the front of Elvis's trousers AND pants (natch) and Brad Pitt can't stop giggling. They retire to something called a cold room. Bring on the dystopian funk!

All I know is that I show up to the hotel job and the urine couch is gone. No warning, no nothing. There are a pair of chairs in its place, but they just don't suffice because Gene likes to cuddle. The chairs just aren't the same, but I can get paid to do nothing while sitting on any piece of furniture and don't care all that much.

La Jetee's probably better although it doesn't have wacky Brad Pitt. Heady sci-fi with maestro Gilliam turning all his funhouse mirrors upside down. Bruce Willis's butt is in there somewhere, Mom, and I'm pretty sure during this stage of his career, that was in his contract. Honestly, I need to see this again again because I had trouble keeping my eyes open in the new chair. I'm having a tough time keeping my eyes open right now, too.

OK, this is now the next night. I believe I fell asleep soon after typing that sentence about not being able to keep my eyes open. It's either that or a criminal from 2030 or whenever traveled back in time and erased my post.

OK, it's the next night again. I think I might have African Sleeping Sickness. It's really getting in the way of me meeting my number one goal: meeting all of my goals.

I think I'm going to have a Terry Gilliam movie marathon some time and watch all of his movies back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back, even the bad ones. I'm also going to make a spreadsheet and keep track of all of the nouns that end up in his script and see what statistical data I can come up with.

I'm really bummed about the couch. Somebody mentioned during the funeral that the guy from corporate did not approve. Good bye, couch. May you rest eternally in a urine-soaked heaven. Maybe some day I'll see you again if people and couches are allowed to interact in heaven.

Eric Clapton needs to write a song about that!