Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008 summer blockbuster

Rating: 14/20 (Dylan: 14/20)

Plot: Russians kidnap Indiana Jones and a portly gentlemen. There's a mysterious box. Kaboom! Kazaam! Indiana Jones swings from something. Fisticuffs! Shooby LeBoof! Action sequence! Indiana Jones and Shooby LeBoof have to find the title treasure before the communists do or there's going to be big, big trouble. So they go to Peru to do just that. Then Indiana Jones meets an old friend, arguably the first hippie, and mushrooms are had. The remainder of the movie is their "trip" while Shooby LeBoof and an Ewok keep saying, "C'mon, fellows! We've got work to do! This crystal skull ain't gonna find us! Let's roll!"

If this wasn't an Indiana Jones movie, there's no way I would like it this much. I really really enjoyed the first half of the film; the second half was so completely over the top, silly, ridiculous, incomprehensible, and spastic. A tough second half to swallow. The movie certainly looks good, retaining the overall feel of the 80's movies, and Indiana Jones is the same character despite the age difference. I loved the 50's allusions, and I even loved the punchline following the first 20-25 minutes of action (it involves a refrigerator) even though it's the most ludicrous thing I have ever seen in an action movie. An action scene in a jungle that involves Shooby LeBoof and monkeys nearly topped it later on though. Lots of this reminds me of Indiana Jones (the humor, the stunts, the fun after you suspend disbelief), but there were also nods to 50's B-movie sci-fi and, in the imagery preceding the aforementioned refrigerator scene, The Twilight Zone. There are some moments when the script gets a little greasy and overly sentimental and there's probably not anything as indelible as those scenes in Raiders, but overall, it was about as much fun as a person can have with a movie, an Indy flick that might not be as good as Raiders or Crusade but is better than Temple. My only real complaint? No CGI Short Round. Oh, one other complaint. I'm tired of people complaining about George Lucas ruining their childhoods. That's just stupid. I was happy the Star Wars movies came out, and I'm happy this franchise is back. Of course, having a mental age of ten can't hurt.

Note: Dylan and I agreed that the use of the "Wilhelm Scream" in this one was perhaps the best use of it ever. We both laughed in a way that probably made people around us wonder what was wrong with us.

I paid money to see this:

The Hills Have Eyes

1977 horror

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A family of idiots take their dogs and blue jean shorts on vacation to the desert. They befriend cavemen and have a squelching contest. The little guy wins, and a rudimentary medal is fashioned out of tin foil and stickers in the shape of stars. Everybody gets confused when they wake up on the seventh day and find a fax machine inside of shopping cart inside of a giant leather box inside of a shack. The family and cavemen decide to go to family counseling to work on some of their problems.

At least I laughed twice. This is a poor excuse for a cult classic. I expected creepiness (or something!), but the only thing scary was how bad the acting was. Well, that and the whiny guy's short shorts. I thought the performance of one of the dogs (Beast) was really good. In fact, this should have been more like a Lassie rip-off and centered on the dog. Woof! Woof! "What's that, Beast? Pa's being crucified by some dirty inbreds? Lead the way, boy!" Credit has to be given to this for a couple scenes which very obviously inspired the Home Alone movies. Not the first one though. Not even the second one. We're talking the third movie. I think it was called Home Alone III. The guy on the poster, by the way, has nipples that are at least three times the size of my nipples. He puts my nipples to shame! He's not the same guy who was in Goonies. I looked it up. He was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest before he played Caveman 2 in this movie. He also played the devil in Highway to Heaven (Satan has big nipples. That's Biblical.)and was in an episode of Alf. Alf should have been in this movie as a matter of fact. Actually, the whole film would have benefited by having puppets. I know there was already a remake of this recently, but I'd like to see a remake with an all-puppet cast. Maybe the Muppets? Beaker and that bald scientist, Gonzo, that weird eagle guy, Animal (of course!), and Dr. Teeth can be the cannibal cavemen. The other Muppets can be the vacationing family. Kermit can sing a reflective song called "It's Not Easy Having Your Dog Eaten" and there can be a brutal scene where Miss Piggy is raped by Animal while Dr. Teeth bites the head off the family bird.

Replace these two with those two and you've got a movie!

Here I am wondering what a baby would taste like:

The Beastmaster

1982 fantasy

Rating: 12/20 (Dylan: 10/20 although he said he liked this. I'm not sure the boy understands the rating system. I mean, didn't he see the breasts?)

Plot: A trio of hideously deformed women who apparently left their pants on the set of Macbeth warns Rip Torn and his evil eyebrows that a baby is about to be born that is gonna get all up in his bidness. Rip Torn sends a witch to perform a forty-seven step abortion involving blue Jello, a cow, a fire, cackling, and fingernails. A nosey guy interrupts, awkwardly kills the witch, and adopts the boy as his own. At some point, he's named Dar which, I should note, is Rad backwards. That's not a coincidence because Dar has a truly radical talent--he can communicate and control animals. After his village is slaughtered by Rip Torn's thugs, Beastmaster takes a journey seeking revenge. Well, that and finding some animal pals to accompany him. Oh, and checking out the breasts of naked slave girls.

This was a likable, but dated, fantasy flick. There was so much (especially with the script but also with the set design and cinematography) that keeps this a product of its time. I thought the pre-CGI special effects were great, and the work with the animals was really good. Moments annoyed me (see: the cute ferrets) and moments were unintentionally funny (I had to pause every time he introduced himself with "I'm Dar" so that I could laugh for twenty minutes. . .during some scenes, I had throw in my own "I'm Dar"), but for the most part, this was a fun little movie. Creativity (those cannibalistic robed things and the eye ring were cool) and some interesting shots (mostly exterior stuff but also some interesting mood-aiding set design) make this worth watching.

Note: My wife claimed after hearing about this that I have an obsession with breasts and only watch movies because of the boobs. Little does she know, I actually have a (probably unhealthy) sexual attraction to Dar. Can't fault me for that though! Dar!

I'm not Dar:

Dylan is hiding.