Transformers

2007 blockbuster

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Robotic extra-terrestrials come to earth in search of a magic cube. Shooby Leboof helps out when he's not busy masturbating. Hop, hop, hop, Shooby Leboof!

This movie made very little sense. I guess I knew I was in trouble when the movie started out with the line "Before time, there was the cube." What? I didn't understand what was going on with the action scenes, but they, like Madagascar, made me dizzy. And call me a racist, but I couldn't tell the robots apart. Generally, movies like this at least have nostalgia working for them, and I can enjoy myself because I get a chance to be a kid again. I did have some Transformers as a kid! This movie didn't do that. Instead, it made me wish I would have fallen down a well and died at the age of four so that I wouldn't have to waste a little over two hours of my time at the age of thirty-five watching this trash. This movies is apparently why I have the tag "big dumb movies" because this just might be the biggest and dumbest one I've seen all year. If it wasn't for the Shooby Leboof bonus, this movie would have had seven less points than it got.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008 summer blockbuster

Rating: 14/20 (Dylan: 14/20)

Plot: Russians kidnap Indiana Jones and a portly gentlemen. There's a mysterious box. Kaboom! Kazaam! Indiana Jones swings from something. Fisticuffs! Shooby LeBoof! Action sequence! Indiana Jones and Shooby LeBoof have to find the title treasure before the communists do or there's going to be big, big trouble. So they go to Peru to do just that. Then Indiana Jones meets an old friend, arguably the first hippie, and mushrooms are had. The remainder of the movie is their "trip" while Shooby LeBoof and an Ewok keep saying, "C'mon, fellows! We've got work to do! This crystal skull ain't gonna find us! Let's roll!"

If this wasn't an Indiana Jones movie, there's no way I would like it this much. I really really enjoyed the first half of the film; the second half was so completely over the top, silly, ridiculous, incomprehensible, and spastic. A tough second half to swallow. The movie certainly looks good, retaining the overall feel of the 80's movies, and Indiana Jones is the same character despite the age difference. I loved the 50's allusions, and I even loved the punchline following the first 20-25 minutes of action (it involves a refrigerator) even though it's the most ludicrous thing I have ever seen in an action movie. An action scene in a jungle that involves Shooby LeBoof and monkeys nearly topped it later on though. Lots of this reminds me of Indiana Jones (the humor, the stunts, the fun after you suspend disbelief), but there were also nods to 50's B-movie sci-fi and, in the imagery preceding the aforementioned refrigerator scene, The Twilight Zone. There are some moments when the script gets a little greasy and overly sentimental and there's probably not anything as indelible as those scenes in Raiders, but overall, it was about as much fun as a person can have with a movie, an Indy flick that might not be as good as Raiders or Crusade but is better than Temple. My only real complaint? No CGI Short Round. Oh, one other complaint. I'm tired of people complaining about George Lucas ruining their childhoods. That's just stupid. I was happy the Star Wars movies came out, and I'm happy this franchise is back. Of course, having a mental age of ten can't hurt.

Note: Dylan and I agreed that the use of the "Wilhelm Scream" in this one was perhaps the best use of it ever. We both laughed in a way that probably made people around us wonder what was wrong with us.

I paid money to see this: