Ju-On: The Grudge

2002 J-Horror movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Ghastly shenanigans in an apparently haunted house.

No, I have not seen the American remake of this or one of the other Ju-on movies. I didn't know this was a sequel until after I watched it. I'm not sure what I'm missing (if anything) by not watching the first two. This is six connected short stories that aren't even displayed in chronological order. I'm not sure why movie makers do that. I consider myself of average intelligence with maybe a slightly above-average movie IQ, and I had trouble making connections between the stories. I had trouble remembering who each character was supposed to be though, and that probably has more to do with being American than anything else. I mean, if Kirk Cameron was in this, I would be able to recognize and remember him and know how he was attached to other characters in this thing. I ended up liking the structure even if I didn't know why it was necessary. I think it added a little mystery to the proceedings, and a bit of mystery injected into this kind of creepiness was a natural fit. This movie--and again, it might be because I didn't watch the other Ju-on movies--kind of leaves you hanging about what is going on and what has previously gone on, adding to this chilly, semi-surreal flavor. The imagery's enough to grab you, but there are more than enough effective jump-out-and-scare-you moments. Sound effects are also used effectively. I may have thought this was scarier than it was because of the use of kitties. I think I prefer my horror movies to end completely hopelessly. Who wants a happy ending for a horror movie? This one definitely ends bleakly enough, probably so they can make a dozen more of them. And like all good horror movies, this is one that scares you on levels you don't even understand.

Fire, Ice & Dynamite

1990 movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Sir George fakes his death and makes all the people he owes money to and his three children compete in a race called the Megathon to win his fortune. Lots of stunts happen.

At least the stunts were good. This is a sequel to Fire and Ice, a movie that I haven't seen. Apparently, it's mostly lots of skiing stunts strung together with a little bit of a plot and narration by John Denver, a man who died during his own stunt. If you liked the stunts in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, you'll like the stunts in this more. Willy Bogner, Jr. directed this and was a cameraman for the Bond movies that featured skiing. This has also got Roger Moore, my favorite James Bond, and some bald people. Oh, and Roger Moore's son is in there. My guess is that Moore said he would be in this movie but only if his son could also get a part. It took me a really long time to figure out that this is supposed to be a comedy, and that's never good. The comedy is just as dangerous as the stunts. Did I mention that there were stunts in this movie? Because there are! Stunt people bungie jump, white water raft, fall, plummet, ski, ski more, climb things, explode, and ski. At times, it's like a live action Wacky Races although nowhere near as entertaining or as funny. Marjoe Gortner makes an appearance, mostly in a helicopter as an announcer for the Megathon. I'm guessing there are also some Olympic athletes who were tricked into being in this as well as Isaac Hayes and Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz Aldrin trivia: Did you know that Buzz Aldrin was the first person to defecate on the moon? That's real trivium, readers. I'm not making that up.

I was confused by a bunch of references to bananas in this, but not as confused as I was with a song that popped up in the middle of this, something that made me wish the stunts would come back. I did mention that there were stunts in this, didn't I?

Fubar: Balls to the Wall

2010 comedy sequel

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Headbangers Terry and Dean, a couple of long-haired dudes who are apparently in another movie, travel north to get jobs laying oil pipeline. The job and Terry's new love interest put a strain on their friendship.

I knew nothing about this going in and wasn't even aware that I was watching a sequel. All I knew is that the characters, though complete imbeciles, are lovable losers and really funny. This has a very improvised feel that I like, and the humor came fast and furiously. It's funny enough times to almost be hilarious even though the whole thing does feel a little half-assed at various times. Still, I immediately sought out the first Fubar movie because I needed another fix of these two, and that's maybe the most ringing endorsement.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

2011 sequel to what I assume are movies that are just as bad as this one

Rating: 3/20 (Dallas: 5/20; Rodrigo: 15/20; Osni: 17/20; Melany: 16/20; Dutch: 18/20; Lance: 15/20; Drake: 1/20; Ig'Enid: 5/20; Kimberly: 11/20; Mary: 16/20; Jaidah: 16/20; Breona: 17/20; Adrian: 19/20; Kuenton: 17/20; Justin: 10/20; Cierra: 1/20; Matthew: 1/20; Danel: 19/20; Sarah: 2/20; Tyler: 13/20)

Plot: Talking chipmunks fall off a boat and Jason Lee ruins his career looking for them.

So this is the complete bullshit they're forcing me to watch at school now? I saw the terrible and terrible-unfunny punny title of this and said to myself, "This thing loses points just for the title." And then the chipmunks started talking and singing, and there went the rest of the points. Speaking of their voices, here's a question: Why do they need famous people--Amy Poehler, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, Chritina Applegate (some of them are famous, right?)--to do the voices for the chipmunks? Their voices are speeded-up and unrecognizable anyway! You know what I think? I think they're doing it just to screw with me. That's right. Director Mike Mitchell, who after this and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo should probably never be allowed to work again, cast Justin Long as Alvin just to screw with me. Well played, jackass! Jason Lee looks really uncomfortable here, and I'm not sure if it's because he has to talk to himself (well, imaginary chipmunks) the whole time or if he's upset that his career has come to this. And what's David Cross doing? His appearance actually makes me a little angry because there are a lot of things that David Cross could be doing with his time that doesn't involve him walking around in a chicken suit in this movie. This is annoying on more levels than I knew a movie could be annoying on. The chipmunks rap, sing, sing some more, rap again, and sing. And gyrate. There are way too many songs, and I was really close to sending one of my students out to pull the fire alarm so that I could a) hear something more pleasant and b) have a reason to go outside for a while. There are also all kinds of awkward references to much better works of art--Cast Away, Lord of the Rings, James Bond, television commercials, and Internet memes. All of them seem tired, and some of them won't make any sense in a few years. Hopefully, nobody's being subjected to this trash in a few years though. This movie really loses steam when they run out of things to do on the island, and it really didn't have any steam to begin with. I will say this, however: the chipmunk animation works well with the animals blending in with their surroundings perfectly. Unfortunately, they must have run out of special effects dough before making the volcano. I think this completes a "bad volcano trifecta" actually.

There was a movie that the chipmunks watched on the boat that had this monster that could shoot lasers out of its mouth. I really wanted to watch that movie instead. Hell, I really wanted to watch any other movie ever made instead!

Yes, I lowered the grades of any student who gave this above a 5/20. It makes me tremble when I think of our country's future.

And really. This and Deuce Bigelow? Blacklist this fiend!

The Barbarian Invasions

2003 death movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: College professor and part-time philanderer Remy is dying. Not only that--he's dying with a few regrets. He spends his last moments on earth hanging out with friends, making peace with his estranged son and ex-wife, and befriending a heroin addict.

Don't be fooled by the poster for this one, friends! Despite its appearance on the poster, this movie does not have any shots of old man ass. It's still worth seeing, however, one of those that I can stack beside other movies that manage to be about death on the surface but really more about life--Ikiru, The Living Wake. Remy Girard's performance as the dying man touched me. His character's got a faux strength, but there's this hopelessness there as well, every spot on his countenance betraying this sadness because he knows he's messed things up. So much of the dialogue alludes to the past, both Remy's and humanity's. Lines--"The history of mankind is a history of horrors" or "History is a series of abominable crimes"--take on a double meaning. A central theme deals with the human need to have somebody there to forgive us for the horrible things in our past. I loved that line about embracing the mystery in order to be saved. This is a simple story with a hidden subplot about how "living grows on you," and although most of the story is driven by the dialogue (read: smart people acting all witty), there are some moving visuals as well. The trips through Canadian hospital halls are depressing enough, long shots following or in some cases leading the characters. There's a poignant shot of Remy sitting beside a lake, all the shots of his son (Stephane Rousseau) counting out money, that final twitch of Remy's mouth during the quiet death scene. Love the last image in his mind, the same as the first in his masturbation Rolodex. It was nearly enough to jerk tears from this middle-aged viewer. And wait just a second! Is that Philip Glass mixed in with all the classical music? Rousseau's performance is nearly as good as Girard's, but the beautiful Marie-Josee Croze comes along and nearly steals the show as Nathalie the heroin addict. It's a delicate balance between a victim and somebody who, as the drug dealer warned, will turn on you.

My question: Who are the titular barbarians? The 9/11 terrorists? Europeans, seen through the eyes of Native Americans? Remy's son, a representation of the evils of capitalism? Cancer?

This was a Cory recommendation, so maybe he can answer that.