Island of Terror

1966 science fiction horror movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Scientists using radiation to look for a cure for cancer accidentally create spongy turtlish tentacle things that pussyfoot around an island and suck out its inhabitants bones. Scientists have to helicopter in and try to stop them!

It was the last week of school, and I decided to spend my prep periods watching a movie since that sounds like something a barely effective teacher would do. I stumbled upon this randomly and accidentally watched a second movie in a row with Peter Cushing. And he has something happen to him here that is a very Star Warsy thing to have happen to somebody even though it is not something that happened to him in Star Wars. The monsters--Silicates, apparently--are really silly but are so different from anything I've seen in a movie like this that I kind of ended up liking them. They really are like spongy turtles with a stalk thing that sticks out the front of them and grabs potential victims. The slurping sound effects during those victims' demises are a nice touch. The problem is that they're not very menacing. They move so slowly and just kind of sit there when the characters are shooting at them, tiptoeing around them with Geiger counters, or hurling sticks of dynamite in their directions. Sometimes, they're crafty and fall out of trees on to unsuspecting victims. I can't imagine the things climbing trees. The solution to the titular island's problem--a solution that involves cattle--seems a little goofy, but I'm sure it makes perfect scientific sense. I'm not about to argue with science on this blog! This was produced by the same people who made Fiend without a Face which I rated harshly and made fun of. The titular fiends in that one resemble smaller versions of the Silicates. Anyway, this isn't a terrible movie. It's got the kind of script which can make scientists seem cool, something that causes me not to trust a movie quite as much, but it's got a little atmosphere, interesting scientific detective work, and some pretty cool little slurping monsters.

Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (Redux)

1985 wacky children's movie

Rating: 16/20 (I forgot to ask the students I watched this with.)

Plot: The titular masturbator tries to locate his stolen bicycle.

I watched this at school on one of those days when we celebrate mediocrity. We got to pick our own movies, and I was showing them The Karate Kid. Unfortunately, the Internet stopped working around the time Daniel was buying Elizabeth Shue lunch, and since I was streaming the movie, we couldn't continue. Luckily, I had this as a back up.

I watched this the same day I got my evaluation rubric from my assistant principal. It's not good news. Turns out that I am a barely effective educator which sucks because I really do want to be good at my job. I'm convinced that I'm no longer wanted at the school that I work in. The administrator is mad at me because I wasn't wearing shoes one day when I went to pick up standardized test materials from the office. We had this conversation:

Ass. Principal, looking down at my feet: Do you have shoes today?
Me: Yes. My feel have been bothering me during softball season, so. . .
Ass. Principal: You need to fix this situation.

Then, he was mad at me because I was reading Elie Wiesel's Night, a book that I think all students should read. The problem is that it's on the 9th grade reading list. The problem I have is that nobody seems to read it in 9th grade. He also made a reference to me when conferencing with another teacher. "Shane's a good guy," he said. He also said, "Shane the Brain," laughed, and then repeated, "I call him Shane the Brain." I wasn't aware of this, and although it sounds sort of harmless, I'm not sure he means it in a good way. Combined with news I heard two days ago that my principal referred to me as an "oddball" when talking to a teacher I'll be working with next year, this is troubling.

I don't really want to teach there anymore, but I'm too expensive for any other school to have any interest in me. After all, who wants to hire a guy with as much experience as me who still manages to only be "barely effective"? And what else am I going to do? I'm an English major, and I now have a master's degree that any non-education people would be impressed with. I can't do anything else anyway! No skills whatsoever. I fear that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my professional life in a place where I don't feel appreciated and where apparently I'm only barely effective.

It really dampened the emotional high that you get from watching Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. I wrote about this movie somewhere else. Here, I'm giving it an extra point because of the raw sexuality displayed in the scene where Pee-Wee is wrestling with a shirtless Francis in a pool. Or maybe it's a large bathtub. Francis is Mark Holton who had arguably the greatest year of any actor in movie history with this movie and his role as Chubby in Teen Wolf. He's definitely a lot better than "barely effective." This movie's uneven and juvenile, and it doesn't seem to be too distant from current movies and television made for children that irritate me. That's a misplaced adjective clause because it makes the reader thing I'm talking about children who I hate instead of movies and television that I hate, but I'm leaving it because that seems to be the sort of thing a "barely effective" educator would do. Somehow, this manages to deliver more joy than irritation though. Absurdly large silverware, a Rube Goldberg breakfast, bicycle fetishism, the lonely meanderings of a middle-aged man-child, the juvenile exchange with Francis, bike gymnastics as impressive as any bicycle scene not involving Muppets, some teens stoic reactions after a Pee-Wee bike crash, the reference to "things you wouldn't understand" when talking to Dottie, the Hitchcockian music and nods to Vertigo when Pee Wee discovers that his bike has been stolen, Elfman's genius in helping this thing swim, Amazing Larry's plethora of trickery, Madame Ruby and her shoddy prognostications, Large Marge and animated Large Marge following an animal gag, a Harryhausen allusion, a tour through the Alamo sans basement, a hobo played by Burton-regular Carmen Filpi, the kid taking a picture of Pee-Wee after he asks about the basement and is answered with laughter, Satan's Helpers and Pee-Wee's answer that "Nobody hipped me to that, dude," a dream sequence involving clowns, elves, manic energy.

A quick question--Is Pee-Wee struggling with homosexuality? Is his "big adventure" the discovery of the unexpected pleasures derived from experience with female genitalia? Is Diane Salinger and Diane Salinger's voice enough to get an immature homosexual in a tight-fitting suit a little curious? Is "the basement of the Alamo" a euphemism? Is a dinosaur's mouth a yonic symbol? Am I overthinking things or not thinking about them enough?

My 8th graders seemed to like this movie for the most part. They laughed a lot. One of them, when we were still on the menu screen, asked, "Isn't that the guy who self-abused himself in a movie theater?"

I've never seen Big Top Pee-Wee which is strange because I like Pee-Wee and circuses. I'm sure there's a little person in it. I do have the soundtrack on cassette, but I'm not sure why.

Brave (again)

2012 Pixar movie

Rating: 14/20 (Dallas: 5/20; Rodrigo: 16/20; Osni: 16/20; Dutch: 12/20; Austin: 15/20; Lance: 20/20; Breanna: 20/20; Drake: 1/20; Ig'Enid: 17/20; Jonathon: 20/20; Kimberly: 17/20; Mary: 19/20; Jaidah: 13/20; Adrian: 15/20; Kuenton: 9/20; Justin: 16/20; Cierra: 20/20; Matthew: 10/20; Daniel: 19/20; Sarah: 7/20; Jakobe: 9/20; Rodolfo: 16/20; Bobby: 4/20; other Daniel: 15/20; Franklin: 3/20; Wesley: 12/20)

Plot: I already wrote about this one. It's about Carrot Top turning his mother into a bear.

The students in our school were rewarded with a movie right for reasons you don't care to read about, so I watched this again. I was pretty bored this second time, and that is not typical with Pixar offerings. I really don't have anything else to write about this movie except I do know where the Pizza Planet truck is now. (Hint: It's made out of wood.) I still didn't hear Ratzenberger. The biggest laugh from my 8th graders was during the scenes that featured naked buttocks. 8th graders love the buttocks.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

2011 sequel to what I assume are movies that are just as bad as this one

Rating: 3/20 (Dallas: 5/20; Rodrigo: 15/20; Osni: 17/20; Melany: 16/20; Dutch: 18/20; Lance: 15/20; Drake: 1/20; Ig'Enid: 5/20; Kimberly: 11/20; Mary: 16/20; Jaidah: 16/20; Breona: 17/20; Adrian: 19/20; Kuenton: 17/20; Justin: 10/20; Cierra: 1/20; Matthew: 1/20; Danel: 19/20; Sarah: 2/20; Tyler: 13/20)

Plot: Talking chipmunks fall off a boat and Jason Lee ruins his career looking for them.

So this is the complete bullshit they're forcing me to watch at school now? I saw the terrible and terrible-unfunny punny title of this and said to myself, "This thing loses points just for the title." And then the chipmunks started talking and singing, and there went the rest of the points. Speaking of their voices, here's a question: Why do they need famous people--Amy Poehler, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, Chritina Applegate (some of them are famous, right?)--to do the voices for the chipmunks? Their voices are speeded-up and unrecognizable anyway! You know what I think? I think they're doing it just to screw with me. That's right. Director Mike Mitchell, who after this and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo should probably never be allowed to work again, cast Justin Long as Alvin just to screw with me. Well played, jackass! Jason Lee looks really uncomfortable here, and I'm not sure if it's because he has to talk to himself (well, imaginary chipmunks) the whole time or if he's upset that his career has come to this. And what's David Cross doing? His appearance actually makes me a little angry because there are a lot of things that David Cross could be doing with his time that doesn't involve him walking around in a chicken suit in this movie. This is annoying on more levels than I knew a movie could be annoying on. The chipmunks rap, sing, sing some more, rap again, and sing. And gyrate. There are way too many songs, and I was really close to sending one of my students out to pull the fire alarm so that I could a) hear something more pleasant and b) have a reason to go outside for a while. There are also all kinds of awkward references to much better works of art--Cast Away, Lord of the Rings, James Bond, television commercials, and Internet memes. All of them seem tired, and some of them won't make any sense in a few years. Hopefully, nobody's being subjected to this trash in a few years though. This movie really loses steam when they run out of things to do on the island, and it really didn't have any steam to begin with. I will say this, however: the chipmunk animation works well with the animals blending in with their surroundings perfectly. Unfortunately, they must have run out of special effects dough before making the volcano. I think this completes a "bad volcano trifecta" actually.

There was a movie that the chipmunks watched on the boat that had this monster that could shoot lasers out of its mouth. I really wanted to watch that movie instead. Hell, I really wanted to watch any other movie ever made instead!

Yes, I lowered the grades of any student who gave this above a 5/20. It makes me tremble when I think of our country's future.

And really. This and Deuce Bigelow? Blacklist this fiend!

The Wizard of Oz

1939 fantasy

Rating: 20/20 (Dallas: 1/20; Rodrigo: 1/20; Treslynn: 10/20; Osni: 19/20; Dutch: 1/20; Lance: 17/20; Breanna: 19/20; Ig'Enid: 20/20; Jonathon: 3/20; Kimberly: 9/20; Reinn: 1/20; Mary: 15/20; Jaidah: 12/20; Kuenton: 8/20; Justin: 2/20; Cierra: 20/20; Matthew: 20/20; Donnyha: 17/20; Daniel: 3/20; Sarah: 14/20; Tyler: 1/20)

Plot: The first movie ever made about the effects of bath salts! Dorothy, as a way of revolting against her elderly guardians who give away her dog, becomes a drug addict, shoe thief, and murderer. She also takes some apples that don't belong to her. She decides to run away from home in the most illogical way imaginable--via cyclone--and meets more little people than I'll ever meet in my entire life. She befriends a stupid scarecrow, an apathetic robot, and a chickenshit lion (Oz trivia: Originally, the Cowardly Lion was called the Chickenshit Lion.) and searches for the titular wizard so that she can get out of a coma.

Monkeys and Munchkins and talking trees--oh my! First off, yes I do have a student named Donnyha. We watched this as school to reward our students for a nine weeks of embarrassing mediocrity. One teacher suggested we watch Beastly, but I threatened to quit on the spot and this one was settled on. 8th graders were not happy that it was a) partially in black and white, b) filled with songs, or c) kind of "gay," but I was entertained as I hadn't seen the movie in a while, so who cares about them? They're all a bunch of punks anyway. I did love one conversation I had with a student:

Girl: What movie are we watching?
Me: The Wizard of Oz.
Girl: (Pause) The Wiz?
Me: No, not The Wiz. The Wizard of Oz.
Girl: Oh. I've not seen that. I've only seen The Wiz.
Me: Right. That makes perfect sense.

My students poked fun at the special effects, but check out that tornado! I think that's an astounding effect for the late-30s. It looks realistic enough and is such a menacing presence as it gets closer and closer. That tornado, something I saw every single year as a kid since this was on yearly, is one of the reasons I first started loving movies. So yes, this looks dopey in some places, but the painted backdrops, the fact that this is obviously made on a stage, and the dated effects give this a feel that Tim Burton has been trying to duplicate for years while knowing that he never will. That tornado has passed, Mr. Burton. And that color! When Dorothy opens the door, that color just splashes at you. Wonderful!

This also has to be one of the most arousing moments of all time, and I'm really glad that my lower half was hidden behind a desk in a semi-darkened room during this. It starts with Auntie Em. Yeah, she's bitchy, but she's also undeniably hot. And then there's Margaret Hamilton in those dual roles. That voice just does it for me. Don't even get me started on the Munchkins because things might get inappropriate. The good witch singing "Come out, come out" scene where the Munchkins "come out" might be the most arousing moments in cinematic history.

I remember watching this as a kid and thinking that all little people must sound like the Munchkins and always wanting to meet one. That impressive array of costumes and facial hair. And the Lollipop Guild. If I ever formed a street gang, I'd call ourselves the Lollipop Guild, and we would roll pretty hard. Billy Curtis is also in there somewhere.

The performances are so good in this. I've already mentioned Margaret Hamilton. If she's not the perfect witch, I don't know who it would be. That nose and that voice would be enough to get her in the Witch Hall of Fame if that existed, but her posture is also so perfect. My favorite Margaret Hamilton moment is when her image replaces Auntie Em's in a crystal ball and she starts mocking Dorothy--"Auntie Em, come back!" Oh, and that laugh! Frank Morgan is also great in his multiple roles, and he gets a lot of the best lines--his terrific alliteration, calling the scarecrow a "Doctor of Thinkology," the famous "Ignore the man behind the curtain" and the "Oh, you liquidated her" which should be just as famous. Ray Bolger's physical, elastic shenanigans as Scarecrow are fun to watch even for the 47th time. When you see him early on as "Hunk" (Hunk?), he seems like the worst actor of all time, probably because of the way he says "Finga," but then you find out it was Scarecrow foreshadowing and makes perfect sense. The foreshadowing in this is really neat, one of the reasons this is so much fun to watch again and again. I always thought Bert Lahr was one of the Stooges. Jack Haley is the weakest link, but he's still good.playing the more-than-likely gay Tin Man. Of course, there's Judy Garland as flat-chested Dorothy. Shirley Temple might have ruined this movie. What I like most about Garland's performance is that she never overdoes anything. She's the main character of the movie, but you never notice her all that much, and for whatever reason, that's the way it should be here.

The Munchkin hanging himself in the background of one shot (ok, so it's one of those weird birds), the irritable trees who really have a legitimate argument, the "Clever as a gizzard" line, all those flying monkeys that I'm still convinced are mostly real, the Cowardly Lion's "Pullin' an ax on me, eh?" followed by the "Whoo-uh, whoo-uh" growl which might be the worst growl of all time, that giant menacing green hall that leads to the Wizard, the first glimpse of the Wizard's disembodied head with all that fire and all that noise, the Scarecrow holding a gun in one scene (I never noticed that until I watched the movie this time--what the heck is the Scarecrow doing with a firearm?), the wack blinky bird effects, the army of Alan Thickes with their "Ooh-ee-oh" song that has always been my favorite song from this movie filled with all kinds of great songs (although that one Alan Thicke's voice when he says "She killed her" proves that they shouldn't have talked at all), Toto's impression of Lassie (did you know, by the way, that Toto made 125 bucks per week while the Munchkins earned less than half that?), the witch using the inefficient Hourglass Method of Murder which she must have gotten from the Batman Villain School of Villainy, the beauty of the unleashing of the monkeys scene and the dark scenery detail when the characters are atop the witch's castle, Morgan's uttering "Bless my buttons" and the Lion's expression right after. There's just so much here to love again and again which is probably why this should start being shown annually on network television again.

My only two gripes--

1) I've never liked the second solo the Cowardly Lion gets while they're waiting for the wizard, the "King of the Forest" number where it seems like Lahr had an "R-trilling" clause in his contract or something. It might include the great line "The chipmunks genuflect to me," but the song is about fifteen minutes long and just passes time.

2) The poppy field scene also has always seemed extraneous, just a silly distraction.

Other than that, this is perfect. And with the hefty little person bonus, it's easily a 20/20 for me.

Just spellchecked and am pleased that "Munchkin" is a word while "Donnyha" is not.

We Bought a Zoo

2011 movie

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 15/20)

Plot: Benjamin writes about his adventures for a magazine, but he's about to have his greatest adventure ever when he buys a zoo and tries to get it up and running. His two children and he try to get over the death of the family's matriarch which seems awfully whiny since they seem to get all the free lasagna they can eat. The tiger's sick, and Scarlett Johannson's there to wave her cute little ass around.

I really thought that I was liking this sweet little movie, but the longer it went on, the less and less I liked it. In fact, I can't think of a movie with such a sharp descent from "Ehh--this isn't too bad" to "Oh my God! I need to wash the stupid from my eyes!" I will say this though: I like Matt Damon here. I don't know if the real Benjamin Mee is this likable, but Damon makes the character very easy to root for, despite or maybe because of his flaws. I also thought his daughter, played by a cute little girl named Maggie Elizabeth Jones, was really good, but then I remembered what human children are actually like and ended up irritated by what was actually on the screen as a cute little prop than an actual character. The son (Colin Ford) isn't much better at playing a human child, but that might just because I don't like people named Colin. Worst of the bunch is Elle Fanning, the convenient love interest for son Dylan, who acts like she's either been drugged, hypnotized, or hypnotized and drugged. Or maybe she's supposed to be vacuous in an almost eerie way, probably the product of home schooling. And Scarlett? Gosh, I want to like her as an actress, but she doesn't seem to have much range (but I haven't seen her in any superhero movies) and her character here was dopey and weird. I just have a tough time believing her as an actual female even though she wouldn't have slept with me in high school just like every other actual female. She looks more like a Scientologist than a person. And what the hell is up with Thomas Haden Church's head? I think there's something living in there. But these people aren't the main problem with We Bought a Zoo and neither is the amount of times the little girl says "We bought a zoo!" Although that repeated line might symbolize the collective problems I have with this syrupy thing. There's just too much movie here. It's predictable, and even the montage, Neil Young's "Cinnamon Girl" of all songs, shows up right when you know it will. Not bad soundtrack selections, by the way, with a choice Dylan cut and some Cat Stevens or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days. But I digress. There's what I imagine was penned to be the emotional heart of this movie, a scene featuring a tiger, that is just so artificial, and that's about where the movie falls to pieces. Add a fallen tree and a "Hi, Mom" that came closer than any movie to making me shove the business end of a spoon into both eyes and the handle into both ears so that I wouldn't see, hear, or be reminded of the scene again. Somebody should have stopped production and said, "Wait just a second--we can't show this shit to people!" Yeah, artificial. That's how I'd describe this one.

Zookeeper

2011 talking animal and talking Kevin James movie

Rating: 6/20

Plot: The titular zookeeper is really good at his job, but he's not so good at love. Luckily, the animals he's been so good to at the zoo are willing to help him attract the attention of his dream girl. But will he like the guy he has to become in order to make that happen?

I think movies with Kevin James in them are become exponentially painful. This one's got talking zoo animals, ones slightly less humorous than the ones in Madagascar. Nick Nolte's a gorilla, Cher's a girl lion, Sylvester Stallone's a boy lion, and Judd Apatow--a guy with nothing else to do?--is an elephant. Adam Sandler gives one of the most annoying voice performances you'll ever hear, and Don Rickles is a frog. And I know what you're thinking--man, that's quite the collection of comedic geniuses! So you'd think one of them would stop everything during the recording session and give the director a heads-up. "Hey, this isn't very funny at all. And I should know because I'm Sylvester Stallone and/or Cher!" The increasingly ubiquitous (wait a second--not sure something can be increasingly ubiquitous) Ken Jeong's in this, too. Hollywood seems to be doing it's best to find this guy things to do. Same with Kevin James. Look, it seems like he's a nice guy and all, and I don't mind nice guys doing well for themselves. But when King of Queens ended, I just didn't think he had that "it" that would make it possible for him to carry a movie. So it's no surprise that he can't. Hollywood writers just keep giving this guy different jobs (zookeeper, mall cop, mailman, butcher, baker, candlestick maker), throwing a girl (or two) into the script, and hoping a comedy erupts. There's a lot of fat-guy-running-into-things slapstick if that's your bag, but I couldn't find a single laugh in this. And when the zookeeper gets his girl (no, that's not the end; the end is more predictable than that), things get entirely too preposterous. The animal-talking effects look stupid, and there's the most egregious product placement I've ever seen. At one point, the movie's plot steps aside to make room for a T.G.I. Fridays commercial.

Watched this at school with 7th graders. They laughed a couple times, but didn't seem to like it very much either. I didn't have time to get their ratings.

Quick, readers--can you think of a memorable Kevin James moment?

Gammera the Invincible

1966 big monster movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Russian planes carrying nuclear bombs are shot down. This wakes up Gammera, a prehistoric turtle who eats fire, has the ability to fly, and destroys things. He's made of rubber.

The ensemble cast here just might be the worst ever assembled. And it's not the dubbing (although that is ridiculous) because the worst offenders are the American actors. The characters in this one somehow manage to be goofier than the monster, a giant rubber turtle that can scoot through the skies like a flying saucer and spew fire. There's the Japanese photographer who can't figure out what to take pictures of without being told. There's the Christian Eskimos who warn the Japanese visitors about a giant prehistoric turtle for absolutely no reason. And just the name "Gammera" spoken by Eskimos makes dogs bark and children scatter. There's the general who butchers his lines so badly that when the other characters in the room are shown, they all have expressions like they're expecting the director to yell "Cut!" and start over again. Then, the senator in the room impossibly ends up being worse! There's a dopey child actor, a kid so obsessed with turtles (of course) that his teacher is threatening to expel him from school. But standing above them all is the scientist Dr. Contrare who is shown debating another scientist on a television program. Bad acting is bad acting, and in a movie like this, it's often difficult for a bad actor to get his performance noticed. But Alan Oppenheimer's performance stands out, a crochet needle in a haystack of awful performances. You'll see Alan Oppenheimer's name as a nominee for the Torgo at the end of the year. There are some dazzling special effects in this movie--burning planes, toy boats, flying Gammera. There's an explosion described by a character with the "only a nuclear bomb can create an explosion like that" even though it looks like a cheap firecracker. And I never knew that train cars full of gas sound just like gun shots when they explode. The monster itself isn't too bad. He apparently likes children, enough for me to suspect that he's a pedophile. He doesn't seem like a very intelligent monster although he doesn't have any other weaknesses. As one scientist so expertly opines, once Gammera is on his back, he can't get on his feet again. Really? I could have been a scientist if that's all it takes. The destruction of the miniatures is entertaining, and I really like one terrible transition from an attack of an airport to a bunch of kids dancing to a rock 'n' roll song with lyrics that go "Gammera! Gammera! Gammera!" I'm easily entertained though. It all ends rather stupidly and then finds a way to end again more stupidly by throwing the words "Sayonara Gammera" on the screen.

Watched on the big screen at school with frequent interruptions from colleagues.