2002 fantasy movieRating: 15/20 (Dylan: 14/20)
Plot: The two hobbits, Dildo and Bongo, continue their journey to the jeweler to have their ring appraised. They meet with a tiny filthy old man who has some sort of bipolar disorder who tells them that he knows a shortcut, a really good one where they can walk across swamps with dead bodies submerged in them. Unfortunately, he's completely insane and doesn't have any idea where a jeweler might be. Meanwhile, the bearded guy, the grumpy midget, and the homosexual look for the other hobbits. The old man miraculously comes back to life and declares that he's no longer Gordo the Grey but instead Gonzo the White. The others shrug and roll their eyes because they have no idea what the hell he's talking about. "Is everybody in Middle Earth wacko or what?" inquires the bearded guy. Meanwhile, the other two hobbits, the ones who don't seem to matter to the story anymore, take some hallucinogens and have extended conversations with trees. The bearded guy, the grumpy midget, and the homosexual go clubbing because the bearded guy wants to meet some chicks. He hooks up with the help of his wingmen but then remembers he had a girlfriend in the first movie. They forget where they park their car, a 1984 Chevy Sprint, and spend the rest of the movie roaming Middle Earth searching for it. Christopher Lee gets all pissy about something and sends the ugly guys out to ruin everybody else's night out. Then the next movie is ready to begin.
This one really doesn't go anywhere, does it? And did I not watch closely enough and miss a tower? I'm only counting one tower here. I almost knocked this down another point to a 14 just because of the scene where the homosexual slides down a staircase on a something flat (a shield) and shoots arrows at the ugly guys. That was stupid. Large parts of this movie had to be explained to me by Dylan. I'm sure he got tired of me asking, "Where'd Gordo run off to?" or "When's Gordo coming back?" I'm not really looking forward to watching the third installment again. I'm just not sure I have the stamina for these bulbous fantasy movies. I think the guy who played Gollum overacted a bit, by the way. Peter Jackson should have gotten Don Knotts to play Gollum. That would have bumped my rating up to at least a 22.
My Precious...
2 comments:
Maybe your funniest synopsis. Exactly like the books, this is easily the weakest link in the series. The Helm's Deep battle goes on longer than the average life expectancy of a Ugandan. The Frodo and Gollum part of the movie is terrific though. I looked the towers thing up but then started to feel like a geek halfway through. There are towers all over the place, so just pick two. Overall, this gets a 16 or 17. Love the Don Knotts bit and photo.
I asked Dylan and he said there's the tower where Christopher Lee lives and the tower with the big fiery vagina. Well, he didn't call it a fiery vagina.
My pal R.D. says that he likes the third movie the least, and that's the way I remember it, too. I'm not, however, a Lord of the Rings aficionado.
Don Knotts, like Crispin Glover, usually means bonus points. I think they should put cgi-Knotts in every movie.
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