Death Wish

1974 gritty urban Western

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Jeff Goldblum and some other dangerous weirdos murder the wife of a guy with a mustache. Both the guy and the mustache decide to get revenge, take the law into his own hands, and become a vigilante killing machine.

It's ludicrous how many times this guy is the target of these thugs in this movie. Out of all the people (heck, out of all the architects) in New York City, they attempt over and over to mug this one architect who's carrying around a gun for purposes of shooting people just like them. What are the chances? I mean, what makes Bronson look like such an easy target? I never really bought him as an action hero when I was a kid. I maybe could have seen him playing Mario in a game based on the video game. Still, I don't see Charles Bronson and think, "There's a guy who'll be easy to mug. Let's get him, boys!" And it probably would be the mustache that would keep me away. When you're out there mugging with your posse, a mustache is usually a sign to steer clear, right? Am I wrong here? I think, by the way, that this movie is the reason why I always assumed New York City was the most dangerous place on earth when I was a kid. You've got people like Jeff Goldblum running around painting swastikas on people's walls and guys being attacked on the streets and subways every single night. I used to have nightmares about New York when I was a kid.

After some weird opening credits with a lengthy returning-home-from-vacation montage and a shot of Bronson's wife picking her ear backed by some Herbie Hancock noodling (I loved Bronson's "What's wrong with right here on the beach?" line and tried to fit similar lines into the rest of the movie--"What's wrong with right here in the taxi?" "What's wrong with right here in the bread aisle?" I've tried it in my personal life, too. "Jennifer, what's wrong with right here at the soccer game?" She doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about though.) Things really pick up once Jeff Goldblum shows up. He's so awesome and completely believable as a thug, just this raw physicality. He and his freaks--they're Freak 1, Freak 2, etc. in the credits--are such immature criminals. Of course, I'd probably wag my tongue at grocery store shoppers and throw turkeys around if I were a 1970's thug, too. And if attacking women (hypothetically, of course), I'd probably spend the majority of my time painting them instead of the traditional hooligan activities like raping and stealing stuff. I really like all the bad guys in this. Like a lot of 70's movies, they're all just so sleazy and obvious, the type of people who would likely be arrested just for looking the way they do. And only some of them are black! They're just all so jittery and cocky, throwing out mo-fos and spontaneously rhyming ("Throw us the money, honey!" The lesson I learned is that thuggery might not be the worst career choice if this teaching thing doesn't work out. No, maybe the lesson learned is that I could easily get over my wife's murder by shooting thugs, repainting my living room to cover up swastikas, and blasting game show music. No, hold up. The lesson is obviously that America needs to loosen up its gun laws because it's our second amendment right to have any kind of gun we want to and liberals have made it far too difficult for guys with mustaches to purchase firearms. Yeah, that's it. The pro-gun propaganda here did make my teeth hurt a little bit, but the random little person, the guy with an artist dog at the precinct, and a bum's hat error made up for it. This is an entertaining enough bit of 70's stink with about the right mix of grit and goof, but I never had any desire to see any of the numerous sequels and still don't. I imagine I'm missing more of the same but with a lot less Goldblum. Doesn't somebody kill his daughter in the second one? Maybe I did see that. What happens in the third one? Does somebody run over his dog or something?