Movies-a-Go-Go: Fifty Shades of Grey

2015 romantic blockbuster

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A budding romance develops between an English literature student and a billionaire who enjoys whips and chains.

It's Movies-a-Go-Go time! Please don't judge me.

I couldn’t get my wife to watch this with me even though she’s more in its demographic than I would be. Or was it actually made for slightly-perverse middle-aged creepy guys?

“I Put a Spell on You”? Why not just use the Screamin’ Jay version? "He's a wild man, so bug off."

Danny Elfman again? [Note: This is even worse than his Big Eyes score. Has Elfman lost his mojo?]

Slug bug. Blue.

After the first sight of Dakota Johnson, I decide I’m looking forward to seeing her naked.

Giant Rorshach painting in Mr. Grey’s lobby--I’m seeing a panda, one slightly peeved that people keep referring to him as a bear.

What do you see here? Be careful though. "Winnie the Pooh being spanked" might be an answer that will get you committed. 

One has to appreciate the artistic decision to include lots of shades of gray in the decor.

It definitely didn’t take these characters very long to convince me that they’re boring. Now I’m not even sure I want to see them naked. It takes an awful lot of boring for me to not want to see somebody naked.

Grey would have guessed Jane Austen sparked Anastasia’s love for literature? I would have guessed The Velveteen Rabbit.

Now I’m imagining the Velveteen Rabbit in all sorts of bondage scenarios. I think something might be wrong with me.

Come on! You know there's some kink mixed with that stuffing!

“You’re in here.” If that’s your response to seeing a cute billionaire guy in the hardware store you work in, you might be a little stupid, Anastasia.

Christian Grey’s buying rope? I wonder if this is foreshadowing.

Christian’s shopping-in-the-hardware-store sweater is yet another shade of gray.

Oh, and we find out that Anastasia has daddy issues. This is some great--and not clumsy at all--character development.

“I don’t DO the girlfriend thing.” Christian Grey sounds like a real douchebag. Or maybe he's a DOuchebag.

Dakota Johnson’s fake-drunken performance is not impressive.

I’m not sure these two leads could have less chemistry.

“Necrophilia’s not my thing.” Man, this guy is a real charmer. He doesn't DO necrophilia.

Weird crawling on the bed, the words “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week,” and an animalistic bite of Anastasia’s toast. I’m starting to understand this guy’s charm actually.

“I don’t DO romance.” I’m also pretty sure Jamie Dornan doesn’t DO acting. And whoever wrote this crap doesn’t DO realistic dialogue.

“Fuck the paperwork!” You go and get those lips, Mr. Grey! Get ‘em! Elevator attack with elevated Elfman music, and I can’t decide if I hope there’s more to come or a lot less to come. No pun intended.

Christian’s a guy with a lot on his plate, but that doesn’t mean he can’t find the time to stand by his helicopter and look cool.

Christian Grey doesn’t DO barrel rolls in his helicopter.

“First, I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” He doesn’t DO making love, and he doesn't DO subtlety.

Anastasia’s “Are you going to make love to me now?” makes her seem like she’s either prepubescent or mentally challenged.

Nice collection of floggers, Christian.

“Do women do this to you or. . .?” I would have been a lot more excited about the rest of this movie if he answered, “I do this to little people.”

She can decorate her room any way she likes? I’m guessing that means My Little Pony posters and some creepy-looking dolls.

If she says no to all this, the helicopter ride home would sure be awkward.

She’s a virgin? She’s been saving herself for just the right guy to flog her, I guess. That’s very evangelical of her.

Nipples! It only took 43 minutes and 10 seconds.

Wait a second. He just mounted her, but I’m not sure I saw her sign the contract. Did I miss that part or did they just leave it out? As a guy with a signing-contracts fetish, I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed.

I don’t know what this song that’s playing over this totally non-erotic sex scene is, but the lyrics are about as intelligible as your typical Enya song.


Apparently, director Sam Taylor-Johnson got tips from Tommy Wiseau on how to film a sex scene.

“Because I’m makin’ pancakes!”

Wiseau must have been bought in as a dialogue consultant as well.

I really like his tie drawer. And I don’t want to brag or anything, but I believe I have way more ties than Christian Grey does.

Christian Grey’s mother--serious boner kill. We'll know the makers of this ripped off Wiseau if she reveals that she has breast cancer.

Dinners and movies aren’t really his thing. He doesn’t DO dinner and movies.

Oh, he was keeping the contract in the glove compartment. I better take my pants off because I’m pretty sure there’s a contract-signing scene on the horizon.

“Laters, baby”? I’m going to have to use that one.

I figured “My computer is down” was Anastasia’s way of saying “I have no idea how to use a computer.”

Safewords: “Yellow” and “red” are both good choices, but I think I’d prefer to choose my own safewords. I’d go with “brambles” and “butterscotch,” I think. But I haven’t put any thought into it.

I don’t like seeing a tie--especially in that nice shade of gray--used for bondage purposes.

Did he just baby-bird some white wine into her mouth? That's a smooth move, Mr. Grey!

Love the lighting in this contract-signing sequence. So hot!

Striking out anal AND vaginal fisting? Come on! Where's your sense of adventure?

What? No genital clamps? What’s a weekend without the allure of genital clamps? You at least have to know they're out there, right?

She doesn’t DO genital clamps. And now, Mr. Grey, the tables have turned.

She’s not flushed, Christian. It’s the weird lighting in your contract-signing room!

Slug bug. Some shade of gray.

Here’s a boring question--would a dominant/submissive contract really be legally binding?

I can’t figure out why Anastasia’s dad isn’t Henry Winkler.

“Oh, my God. Christian, that’s a car.” Ok, I take back what I said about Anastasia not being smart.

Well, it took an hour and 19 minutes, but we finally have spanking. I would have laughed out loud if she had used her safe word right off the bat. Swat! "Brambles! Butterscotch!"

She still hasn’t signed that contract.

I’m starting to feel bad that Danny Elfman had to watch this in order to create the score.

I’m confused about why Christian has such an issue with one of her parents living in Georgia. I think I was too busy laughing at "Brambles!" up there to pay complete attention.

Christian Grey doesn’t DO hearts and flowers, Anastasia. Figure it out and sign the contract!

If there was any less tension in this movie, I’m not sure there would even be a movie. The characters would just sort of flake away into nothing.

Oh, I see. She has to go away to Georgia. That is going to be a problem. It’s not like she’s signed a contract or anything though.

She must be a heavy sleeper if that story about how Grey’s real mother was a crack addict didn’t wake her.

This looks like a fun date. Being towed behind a plane in a fourteen pound plane thing? I guess you should get ready to die in Georgia, Anastasia.

I’m going to be disappointed if I don’t hear Boy George singing “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” at some point in the last 20 or so minutes of this movie.

“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up.” I think that’s probably what this movie’s called in the Philippines.

Her butt cheeks are about to be fifty shades of red. Buh-dum-dum!

“I know what you’re thinking. Did he slap my ass with a belt six times or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kind of lost track myself. You've got to ask yourself one question--do you feel lucky? Well, do you, Anastasia?”

I wonder if she’d be this upset if he went with five belt swats instead of six?

What the hell? That’s really how the movie ends?

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