Movies-A-Go-Go: Saw

2004 horror mystery

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A couple guys wake up chained to opposite walls in the filthiest bathroom you'll ever see and find out that they're part of a sadistic game designed by a serial killer who speaks through a puppet.

This is written in the stream-of-conscious Movies-A-Go-Go style (patent not pending) in which I watch the movie with my laptop in my lap to record all of my thoughts. This extremely popular shane-movies blog feature is the closest most of you will get to watching a movie with me.

A film by James Wan. I had either forgotten or never knew that there was a connection between this and Furious 7. 

Here’s the deal with this movie: It’s actually the second time that I've seen it. When I taught in Northern Indiana, a student brought it to me and told me to watch it. All I remember is that I didn’t think it was as bad as I thought it would be.

The lights come on, and it’s my greatest fear: I might have to use the toilet in front of somebody else.

I have problems with public restrooms anyway, but this one would be ridiculous. I will say this though: I have been in at least one gas station restroom that wasn’t as clean as this one.

“First dead body I’ve ever seen. They look different. They don’t move.” Where did they find this genius?

Genius’s name is Adam. Please let the other guy’s name be Steve! I don’t ask for much, God.

Worst thing about this entire situation is that their significant others are never going to buy their stories. “I swear, honey. I was locked in a filthy restroom with a dead guy and a guy who had never seen a dead guy before!”

Using your shirt to retrieve a mini-tape player without getting any blood on the shirt takes both skill and finesse.

Tape voice is doing some freestyle rap. “I see you as angry and apathetic, but mostly just pathetic, yo.”

That’s Jigsaw, as I recall, the first horror icon to be named after something a kid can buy in a toy store but never want to play with. Yo-Yo, Magnetic Head Hair Guy, Sock Monkey, Silly Putty, Hula Hoop, Pink Rubber Ball. Those sadly never panned out.

I’m a little shocked this never became a reality show.

It’s unclear why Adam is doing anything that the doctor is telling him to do considering he just heard two minutes ago that the doctor has to kill him. This is the sort of flaw that keeps this from being the horror classic that a lot of people seem to think it is.

Oh, I could have watched the sawing montage for another 20 minutes.

Danny Glover and Sing, and this is threatening to become a buddy cop movie.

Uh oh. It’s that guy from Lost.

Hi, I'm Michael Emerson, and I'm only in movies and t.v. shows that just almost make sense. 

Danny Glover needs a tie. It’s hard to take a detective seriously when he doesn’t have a tie and his partner does.

I hate the flashy editing in the flashbacks.

I know these people are in peril, but the Jigsaw puppet--especially when his mouth moves as he talks, is really silly. Maybe he should have been Silly Putty.

Ahh, the belly button is the period in the question mark drawn on Amanda’s friend’s abdomen. That’s a classy move, Jigsaw. It's those stylistic touches that put the bitches in the seats.

Amanda rooting through intestines. I can’t tell if that’s hot or not.

Now that we get Jigsaw’s viewpoint, we can see that there are urinals in there as well.

It’s taking the doctor’s daughter about a half an hour of screen time to get to her parents’ room in this “last thing I ever said to my daughter” flashback. And why is the daughter so calm with a scary man in her room?

There’s only one thing worse than a bad man in your bedroom, and that’s your father talking about your “tootsies.”

“Tomorrow, I’ll read you your favorite story” is the last thing he said to his daughter? Well, that doesn't seem to bad.

That little girl is still working. I’m surprised she wasn’t traumatized by this experience.

Makenzie Vega, who also played Nicolas Cage's daughter in The Weatherman.

The scene with the man in the closet is terrifying, definitely much worse than somebody talking about your tootsy. The subsequent scene where he’s got them tied up and crying goes on for way too long.

I wish Jigsaw would release an album of covers. I’d like to hear him, with nothing more than acoustic guitar accompaniment, singing some Leonard Cohen songs.

A mannequin factory? Well, that probably should be the first place you check out anytime there’s a murder.

I’m pretty sure Jigsaw survived being shot because he saw Clint Eastwood and/or Michael J. Fox movies and used the old stove-door-in-his-shirt trick. Movies can save lives.

“Are you joking? You’re going to put something you found in this room in your mouth?”

If I had a nickel for every time I was attacked by a pig man in a parking garage, I’d have ten cents.

Seeing the picture Adam hid from him for the first time is the doctor’s time to shine as an actor. Developing a stutter, screaming.

Adam’s fake death after enjoying the cigarette. It’s shocking that Jigsaw didn’t fall for that. The acting was nearly perfect there.

Adam’s house looks about as clean as the restroom they’re trapped in. Actually, I think the restroom might be an improvement, so I don’t know what he’s complaining about.

Whenever I want to turn off a doll that makes noise, I always reach for the baseball bat first, too. Actually, why did Adam have easy access to a wooden baseball bat anyway?

I would have answered the phone with a heartier hello.

If Jigsaw had any sense of humor at all, he would have pranked the doctor, preferably with some bad puns. "Hey, guess what I SAW you do." "Don't ever CHAINGE, Doctor."

Ok, I shouldn't try to pun when I'm this tired.

“Stop the lies! You’re a liar!” I wish this movie was better written.

I don’t think I would pay to stay or sleep with my secretary in an establishment called Shitbag Hotel.

I like that green telephone. Red telephone in a dimly-lit red-walled hotel room feels like it belongs in a David Lynch movie.

Oh, it’s a “prehistoric bathroom.” That does explain things.

I’m really confused about the timeline of this thing. I don’t see how Danny Glover’s detective character could have gone nuts this quickly.

“Covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15-hooker gang bang.” Hey, that does sound like a good time!

“Is that you, Zep, you bastard! I know it’s you, you son of a bitch!” From now on, I’m going to make a guess at who might be on the phone and scream stuff like that when I answer. It’ll make receiving phone calls much more interesting.

The acting in this gets worse as things move along. The noise Zep makes when he’s stabbed in the leg with scissors. His “I’m gonna kill your husband now, Mrs. Gordon.” The doctor’s moaning after hearing the shoot-out at his house.

I don’t want to ruin the experience of watching this movie by bringing up realism, but would it even be possible to saw off one’s own foot?

Ok, that's a nifty twist. I'll give Saw, that. 

I apologize if you actually read this whole thing.

No comments: