Movies-A-Go-Go: Cool As Ice

1991 white rapper movie

Rating: 5/20

Plot: A guy with stupid hair and ridiculous pants meets a girl and then gets mixed into some dangerous activities involving her family. It's not cool at all.

Stare at the above poster for an hour and a half and you've pretty much seen this movie. That's better than both seeing and hearing the movie, by the way. Nevertheless, I did both and am now sharing my a-Go-Go thoughts.

Let's do this, crackers!

This a-Go-Go may end early as the opening credits might give me a seizure.

I want to make some joke about people stopping, collaborating, and listening as all these names flash by, but those words--in the context of "Ice Ice Baby" or out of that context--don't really make much sense together.

Vanilla Ice forgot to take the price tag off his baseball cap. What an embarrassing faux pas that is.

I can’t follow Vanilla’s (Ice’s?) train of thoughts here in this rap, but he just referenced, like, four of the seven dwarfs.

Oh, my God! This editing is really making me wonder if I’m going to make it through this.

This era--early 1990s--is horrifying for me. High school was not a good time for me, and I’m not sure I want to be reminded that a lot of these color combinations existed. More than likely, I'm going to end up hopelessly depressed by the time this is over, but that's only if I survive the seizures.

I’m confused because the microphone keeps being replaced with one of those metal flashlight things. Continuity error?

In this movie, this is a special effect. 

That is some hair cut, Vanilla. No wonder you got Monique’s phone number!

Holy shit! Vanilla’s pants are stellar!

Vanilla and the Technicolor Pants.


Wow. If this lady he just knocked off a horse is the love interest in this movie, I won’t be able to suspend my disbelief. He scared the lady’s horse by ramping his motorcycle (impossibly, I should add) over a fence and right in front of the animal. That should be enough to ruin any first impression, but adding, “You hit like a girl!” a little later definitely would have sealed the deal.

Yup, yup. My closed captioning has confirmed that Vanilla just said, “Yup, yup.”

“Man, my bike’s trippin’!” I think you can say that to a mechanic when you bring your vehicle to a shop.

Mechanic: What can I do for?
You: Man, my mini-van be trippin'!
Mechanic: Well, we'll go ahead and have a look at it.

Aggravated driver just nailed his extra work. He kind of had an angry Buddy Hackett thing going there.


I love this scene where his motorcycle gang is driving through a neighborhood in the suburbs of wherever-the-hell-they’re-at while Boy Scouts, a guy mowing the grass, and a postman stare at them in disbelief. Have they never seen colorfully-dressed doofuses on motorcycles? Black people?

Ok, this plot is moving a little too fast for me.

They’ve stopped at some random old couple’s home to get that guy’s bike to stop trippin’, and the house is filled with oddities--like giant salt and pepper shakers, a roof that is a world map, quotes on the wall, glowing world globes. I think it's because it's the only place where Vanilla Ice's pants might fit in.

I just heard an “Ahhhhh, yeah” soundbyte for no good reason.

The horse girl has a name now--Kathy.

Kathy’s boyfriend just looked at Vanilla Ice and said, “What is that?” And it made me laugh. You get the sense that his line was supposed to be "Who is that?" or something but he flubbed it and then the director realized that "What is that?" actually made more sense.

“Drop that zero, and get with the hero!” Fuck yeah!

“The chick that drives the horse.”

By the way, I think I might have a horse-riding pants fetish.

Now we’re in Kathy’s house, and they’ve Benny-Hilled scenes of random domesticity. I can’t figure out how anybody thought this would be a good idea.

Apparently, Kathy is a high school student. So this will be a film about Vanilla Ice trying to get away with statutory rape. That's just fantastic.

Great, a child actor. Tommy with a quip!

Any child actor who can’t do a scene where he plays video games realistically probably has no future in acting.

Victor DiMattia, Dennis in Dennis the Menace

Roscoe and his wife Mae (and boy, she can act) apparently live in Pee Wee Herman’s neighborhood. So many colors!

Bad guys (I’ve already lost track of what they want) in the desert. One of them pulls a pistol from the front of his pants and there was a “pop” sound effect.

“Across the street to schling a schlong.” That’s where Vanilla is going.

I want to knock on doors like Vanilla Ice knocks on doors.

Diet Coke product placement! But I’m going to associate them with Vanilla Ice’s outfit and be instantly sick to my stomach.

Oh, holy hell! This lead singer of the band at the Sugar Shack is something else!

He's Louie Bonanno, and I can't tell what the song in this was supposed to be. It was like an inebriated post-punk or something, and there was a lot of Bonanno pelvic thrusting going on. 

Another Diet Coke reference.

Vanilla Ice and Kathy’s eyes met at the Sugar Shack, and he looks like date rape personified.

Wait a second. Kathy's dad is Michael Gross!

Vanilla and his posse just pulled the plug on the band, too bad because I was really enjoying that guy’s sultry hip thrusting. Now, he’s dancing around like a fool, and one patron just said, “What the hell?” That’s the second time a character has expressed my exact thoughts!

“Awww, yeah. I’m gonna drop some funky lyrics.” Show it, don’t tell it, Vanilla.

All it took to win the heart of Kathy was a little dry humping  on the dance floor at the Sugar Shack.

Prelude to dry humping. And yes, I realize this is the second time I've used this picture. 

Umm. These guys!

I paused the movie to take this bad picture because I have nothing else going on in my life. 

Well, Kathy’s boyfriend is showing abusive tendencies.

Whew! Vanilla Ice just swooped in on his motorcycle and saved Kathy from. . .well, it’s not entirely clear what was happening there. She was in the middle of the road, the bad guys were following her slowly in their car. I'm not sure what was going to happen, but it wouldn't have been any more terrifying than Vanilla Ice dry-humping you.

I just can’t see Michael Gross in anything but Family Ties. It’s like he’s cheating on his family or something.

An old couple just witnessed a murder-by-baseball-bat attempt. They also saw some of the worst fight choreography in any white rapper musical ever.

Ok, Kathy just woke up to Vanilla putting a piece of ice in her mouth while lying in her bed. He’s also wearing some sort of hip tool belt.

Wait, is that a fanny pack?

Imagine waking up and Vanilla Ice with a fanny pack is lying next to you, unexpectedly.

This jacket Vanilla’s sporting in this is an impressive feat of fashion. Black pleather with white words (“Ice,” “Down by Law,” “Deep) all over it. It’s pretty fucking sweet and reminds me of how much of an idiot I probably was in 1991.

Tommy is told by Vanilla Ice that he’ll get a ride on his motorcycle soon. His reply: “As soon as you’re done making sex?”

Vanilla Ice escaping from a lawn sprinkler that attacked him while he was putting his hat backwards--acting wizardry.

I’m not sure I’ve seen a male and female have less rapport than these two. Of course, Vanilla’s acting is so bad that I’m not sure he could have rapport with anybody.

“Yup, yup.” And the date should just be over at this point, right?

His jacket also says “Sex me” on it.

Brief montage where the couple chase each other around some partially-constructed houses.

“Lust,” “Dancer.” I think this jacket is custom-made.

I’m trying to figure out if having these horny kids run around this construction site is some sort of metaphor or if they just stumbled upon the site and figured it was as good a place as anywhere else to film a date scene.

“If you ain’t being true to yourself then you ain’t true to nobody.”

Matthew Robert Van Winkle. That's Vanilla Ice's real name, and I just felt like putting it here.

A horse just tried to escape the movie.

Date montage! I’m pretty sure it’s going to end with the two making sex.

I’d like to take this time to remember that in their first meeting, Vanilla Ice ramped his motorcycle over a fence in front of her horse, causing the animal to jump and knock her to the ground.

Old people dancing to hip-hop beats. If that doesn’t sum up the 1990s, I don’t know what does.

This movie has a surprising lack of rap performances actually. I guess it’s not the musical that I thought it was.

Michael Gross is explaining the story’s main conflict, but Vanilla Ice’s wardrobe isn’t on the screen to keep me awake during it. So I still have no idea what the bad guys want.

And now, after an argument filled with a bunch of trite lines, we get a motorcycle montage. It's like they saw Purple Rain and thought, "Maybe Vanilla Ice will look just as cool riding his motorcycle around for half the movie."

No he fucking won't.

Vanilla just disappointed Tommy after he put a lot of product in his hair and ditched little league practice.

What the fuck? This is another montage, this time one with motorcycle assembling, a ride with Tommy, and some random dancing.

The movie’s run out of ideas, so they’re just filling the rest of this with montages, I guess.

Michael Gross is really going to freak out when he sees Tommy getting off Vanilla Ice’s motorcycle.

Tommy’s hair looks ridiculous. That’s not the right look to have when being kidnapped, young fool.

I always feel a little wrong about thinking things like this, but I really hope they kill Tommy and start mailing his body parts to the family.

Vanilla Ice threw the ring he was wearing into a fishbowl with way too many fish in it. They’ll probably be dead from his juices by dawn.

Sadness montage.

Can somebody with this haircut be sad? 

Yes! There’s that knock again!

Vanilla: Yo, I gots to talk to Kathy.
Michael Gross: He’s not here.
Vanilla: She’s standing right behind you.

I’m not sure if that was supposed to be funny or not.

Tommy can’t even act when it’s just his voice on a cassette either.

Poor Vanilla Ice. He’s really in the shit here. Be seen with the kidnapped victim prior to his kidnapping? Check. Handing over the tape from the kidnappers? Check. Proudly wearing the clothes he does? Check.

Look at this dick. 

Oh, great. We got to hear the tape again.

Tommy’s gagged. Now I’m on the side of the kidnappers.

Vanilla Ice took care of four guys with baseball bats but is having trouble with a middle-aged bald guy?

The other characters have changed clothes, but the quirky motorcycle repairman has had the same shirt with apples all over it for several days.

Sydney Lassick and Dody Goodman. Dody is wonderful in this! 

Mom: “Did they do this to your hair?” I laughed at that one, too.

Stocking cap, leather jacket, shorts. It’s not a good luck.

Vanilla Ice just spelled a word! True, it’s only of the two-letter variety, but it was still spelling!

This rappin’ and dancin’ scene at the end featured a dangerous-looking tea-bagging dance move.

If this movie ever ends (looking unlikely at this point), I hope it ends with a hearty “Yup, yup.”

No comments: