Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: Dead Heat

1988 zombie movie

Rating: 9/20 (Fred: 8/20; Libby: 7/20; Ozzy: 8/20; Josh: left before rating; Carrie: also left before rating)

Plot: A pair of cops fight off zombies created to commit robberies of jewelry stores. One of them turns into a zombie himself, and it's a race against the clock as they try to figure out who's responsible for the zombification.

Ozzy, the youngest member of our little Bad Movie Club, was annoyed because "zombies don't shoot guns" and because "no one can get that messed up." He apparently doesn't give Vincent Price bonus points. Price is in this for only a short amount of time, probably all he could handle at this stage of his career, but he certainly classes up the movie a little bit. As always, he's great to see, especially when trilling his R's in a movie where R-trilling seems completely out of place. Joe Piscopo does the opposite of "class things up," whatever that is. Piscopo doesn't quite have enough screen presence to make up for his lack of acting ability, and he's not funny or likable. He's like a big dopey gorilla, and he's got this thing where he'll say one of his stupid lines (i.e. "Sorry to interrupt your erection, pal.") in a way where it's obvious he wants to be noticed for saying it. He doesn't quite look at the camera and wink, but he might as well do it. This thing is painfully written anyway, and Joe Piscopo's delivery and/or general personality somehow makes it all worse. I can't knock the guy's triceps though. Treat Williams isn't much better. It's almost like he's brought down by being in the same room with Piscopo or something. Darren McGavin is Piscopo-proof and is as good as you'd expect him to be. The story's really goofy and not really effective as either horror or comedy. In fact, it's sort of painful as comedy. There are a few inspired moments, however, including one that involves zombified duck heads and some hulking decapitated meat monster. In fact, if you just watch the scene that takes place in a butcher's shop and nothing else, you will probably think this is some kind of horror-comedy classic, something directed by Raimi or Jackson maybe. The zombies look ok but they don't have much personality. They're kind of blandly gross and blandly menacing, even when they are armed. A corpulent one that Joe engages in fisticuffs with isn't a bad little zombie.  This movie is full of dumb. Of course, that's what makes it tolerable to watch on Facebook with a few friends, I guess.

I picked the French (I think) poster for this because Piscopo wasn't holding up a pair of panties and making a stupid face on the others.

The Invisible Man Returns

1940 sequel

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The titular invisible man sort-of returns. Actually, it's a different guy who needs to turn invisible in order to clear his name and save himself from execution after being framed for murdering his brother.

Vincent Price's first horror movie, but you don't get to see him until the final thirty-seven seconds of the movie. He doesn't quite sound like Vincent Price to me either, and there's a scene where he laughs that shows he had a ways to go before perfecting his Thriller laugh. The story is not all that strong, sort of like The Fugitive except for the lack of one-armed men and a protagonist who is invisible. The cool invisibility effects, topping the ones in the original, make this well worth checking out though. You get headless robed guys, Vincent Price's capillaries, and a really neat sequence involving a door opening, stuff being pushed aside, the impression on a chair cushion, and a telephone call being made. The best moment in the entire movie, however, is Forrester Harvey's character Ben Jenkins and the reaction he has to seeing (well, not seeing) the invisible man's eyes, a "Jumping Johosephat!" with some of the most over-the-top blinking you'll ever see.

I watched this on Svengoolie, a Chicago horror movie television show. The puns were difficult to endure.

Oprah Movie Club Pick for January: The Ten Commandments

1956 Biblical epic

Rating: 15/20 (Abbey: 12/20)

Plot: The story of Moses, told ad nauseum.

Sorry this installment of the Oprah Movie Club is arriving a little late. It has been a very long time since I saw this and had completely forgotten that it was told in real time like the 24 t.v. show. Seriously, Moses from his birth to his wandering off into the sunset after God told him, "Nuh uh! You ain't goin' to no promised land, Mo-fo-ses," all unfolding in real time.

I feel really bad for making my daughter watch this. I tricked her by telling her it was like an Indiana Jones movie, and then we didn't even get a shot of the Ark of the Covenant. That's right--no money shot! I thought that was a huge mistake. Abbey was confused about the overture and the guy coming from behind the curtain to chat with us at the beginning of the movie and then much much later, the intermission. I had to explain to her that going to the movies used to be a lot classier and that some of them would take up to half of a person's lifetime to watch.

Finally, there's a cool opening shot after the half hour of overtures, introductions, and opening credits. This movie's so big, and so much of it looks terrific. The colors pop, the set design is so big and expensive, and some of the special effects are very impressive. It's fun imagining a storyboard of this being shown to studio execs and having them laugh and say, "You've got to be kidding me!" The burning bush looks silly, and I know I'm probably going to hell for typing that, but it's true. You wait five hours and forty-seven minutes to see a spectacle, and that burning bush is the only reward? The snakes are a little cooler, and I liked the sanguine-ing of the river and the greenish Angel of Death mist although the latter could have been a lot cooler. That pull-back through the streets with that green smoky ooze was a cool shot though. I like what Cecil B. DeMille and his team's artistic and moody skies, but the piece de resistance is that parting of the Red Sea. Of course, the pillar of fire is weak, looking like something pulled straight from a G.I. Joe cartoon in the 80s. The obvious green screen, a random kid/master-of-the-obvious who tells everybody around him that the Red Sea has just been parted, and a guy who decides to poetically refer to God's nostrils try to take you away from the scene a little bit, but it's hard not to be impressed with the bigness of that special effect. My favorite part of it is a shot of three awe-struck women who, if he had any interest at all, Moses could have easily banged. And the Moses-standing-on-the-rock scene after the Hebrews get across is a nice movie moment. I also liked the set design for the Mount Sinai scene with God as a fire tornado and the Hebrew slaves--so many extras--showing us that they know how to party. I always liked, by the way, that they were breaking like two of the most important commandments while God was putting them on stone. But fire-stick duels, women riding men like horses, hot chick sacrificing. That's my kind of party although I really would have liked to see something closer to an orgy.

Yes, there's a ton of memorable scenes and fantastic imagery in the second half of the movie. The problem is that you have to wade through over five hours of character development to get there. You get an hour long scene of Moses talking to some sheep, and then they skim over two-thirds of the plagues? I wanted to see a frog rainstorm and cattle implosion or whatever else was in there. Sure, they mention "all manner of plagues," but we don't get to see them. And there's a lot of stagy acting with miscast actors. I do like Yul Brynner as Rameses and, of course, Vincent Price as Baka, but Ian Keith was pretty awful as Rameses' dad and Edward G. Robinson looked like he couldn't figure out what the hell he was doing there. Anne Baxter's a little hottie, at least from certain angles, as Nefretiri, and I nudged Abbey at one point to tell her that I wouldn't mind using Nefretiri as my footstool before realizing she was not the right audience for that. For the most part, it seems like everybody in this is just playing dress up. Charlton Heston wasn't a terrible Moses though. In fact, he's very convincing as Baby Moses, and I wasn't even sure it was him there. He's good as Old Man Moses, too, as he looked more and more like a crazy messenger of God. He gets to say all kinds of cool Moses things in that strong voice of his.

A question: Why does Aaron do all the stuff with the staff? Moses is holding the staff, and he's the voice of God and all, so shouldn't he get to do the magic tricks? But every time, he hands the staff to his brother. Did I miss something when I was fast-forwarding over a scene where Yul Brynner looks pensive for 25 minutes?

Is it just me or does it seem like every time the narrator comes in, it almost seems like he had to be awakened to read his lines?

There are a couple performers who steal scenes with small performances. First, there's Rameses's kid played by Eugene Mazzola, a bad child actor. "Mother, he turned a staff into a cobra." Mazzola's also in Terror in a Texas Town, that Western featuring a gun vs. harpoon show-down at the end. There's also a slave who dies in the mud, and his reaction to being whipped was awesome. Oh, and an old lady who says, "The Chariot! Ahh! Run for your lives!" It's great enough on its own, but I loved the little pose she struck afterward.

Did you know that Herb Alpert is in this movie, a drummer during the Mount Sinai scene? Not sure if the Tijuana Brass is in there. If they were, I might have gotten that orgy that I wanted!

Another question: What's the jackal and hound game they're playing in this? It looked like a blast.

Oh, another question: How many extras do you think were killed during the erection of the obelisk scene? That just didn't look safe.

So there are many spectacular moments in this Biblical epic, but that burning bush should have been in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. If I ever watch it again, that's probably where I'll start it anyway.

Too bad DeMille died after this one. I would have really enjoyed seeing a five-hour version of that story about Jesus meeting the little guy in the tree.

The Masque of the Red Death

1964 Poe movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A mean prince parties pretty freakin' hard while keeping people safe from the plague.

Ah, Vincent Price. It's been far too long, old friend. This is one of 7 or 8 Corman-directed Poe adaptations. This actually combines a couple--the short story that shares the same title and the more obscure "Hop-Frog" which has the alternate title of "The Eight Chained Ourangoutangs"--which allowed Corman to not only have Vincent Price using words like "Garrote them" or "One of [the daggers] is impregnated with a poison that kills in. . .five seconds" like no other actor can but also include a little person and Patrick Magee in a gorilla suit. The little person is played by Skip Martin who gets a chance to do some gymnastics and dance with Esmeralda, a character who is supposed to be another dwarf but who I think was a child dubbed with a grown woman's voice. Magee, when not in the gorilla suit, gets to speak to women about the "anatomy of terror" which is really close to the pick-up line I used when I met my wife. Of course, nobody can compete with the great Vincent Price even though he has difficulty saying "squirrels" correctly. His Prince Prospero character's got a nice pad with colorful rooms, a variety of animal heads on the wall, more interesting decor, a pendulum on a clock that moves way too slowly. Prospero makes his friends act like animals, a scene that ends with one lady in a yellow dress really getting into things with some gnarly flapping. There are also great party games like the aforementioned poison dagger game which inspires one couple--maybe the woman in the yellow dress and her date--to start voraciously making out upon. Like these other Corman productions, there's some nice period style, from the atmospheric opener to a nifty parade of plagues at the end. Speaking of that opener, I don't think cinematographers shoot through tree branches enough anymore. Samurai movies and old horror movies both feature shots through tree branches. There's also one of those obligatory trippy hallucination sequences all veiled in blue mist with Hazel Court's silent screams and an erotic bird attack. Bonus awesome moment: guy in the dungeon who goes "Waaaa!" Cool little period horror movie here, one that will definitely appeal to fans of Satan or plagues.

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

1982 comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: A woman believes the death of her father, a noted scientist and cheesemaker, was murder and hires shamus Rigby Reardon for the case. He uncovers a bunch of mysterious goings-on, some which even make a little sense.

I have mixed feelings about this one because although director Carl Reiner has created it with a good understanding of the films he's spoofing and it really is a clever idea, it's just not very funny at all. The title is actually one of the funniest things about the movie, and I would definitely put this more in the "cute" or "clever" category than "hysterical." The dialogue that is created with characters from classic noir, Marlowe included, makes sense most of the time, but it just isn't funny. Aside from Bogart in, I think, three different movies, this plunders scenes from movies with shane-movies favorite Vincent Price, Charles Laughton, Cary Grant, Ingrid Bergman, Veronica Lake, Bette Davis, Alan Ladd, Barbara Stanwyck, Ray Milland, Ava Gardner, and Burt Lancaster. It's a clever idea even if none of it made me laugh. The best thing about it is how Edith Head, in what was apparently her final film, matched the costumes in this to the originals. I watched this while in the middle of a reading of Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep, and I appreciated the nod to some of the language of that, especially the oft-goofy figurative language used by that author. Of course, I got the biggest kick out of the line "Start the whoopie machine" which I'm going to now preface all of my love-making, assuming I ever have sexual intercourse again, with. I also appreciated the allusion to my birthplace of Terre Haute, Indiana. Steve Martin poked fun at Terre Haute back in the day, but I can forgive him for that. He's really good as the centerpiece for this typically confusing noirish tale. His performance has just the right mix of goof and straight, and he's got the right face and build for a noir detective.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to start the whoopie machine. (Note: I am not really about to have sexual intercourse.)

Edward Scissorhands

1990 movie

Rating: 20/20

Plot: An Avon lady discovers a lonely manchild with scissors for hands when she ventures to the dilapidated mansion to sell her wares. She brings him to her colorful suburban neighborhood. He's instantly the talk of the town as he shows off his mad topiary and tonsorial skills, but not everybody is thrilled to have somebody so different in the neighborhood.

This cry-out against conformity seems a little simplistic and whiny since the first time I watched this, back when Burton's themes resonated with me as I searched for excuses to be a weirdo. But this one's still got a special place in my heart, and not just because it's a beautiful final film appearance for one of my favorite actors or because I'm secretly in love with both Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder.

First, the history. I didn't ask girls out on dates when I was in high school because I was smart enough to know that girls don't like weirdos. I might as well have had scissors for hands, too. But there was a girl named Jennifer who I fell for while I watched her ride a merry-go-round, and when this movie came out, I decided to ask her to go see it with me. The very idea sickened her, naturally since I was wearing a rayon shirt when I asked her and couldn't keep my nose from running. She didn't say no exactly; she just sort of laughed until I went away. I got in my parent's mini-van which for some reason I had driven to school and started home. I didn't make it though because I was driving way too fast on a gravel road, something that I don't believe they warned me about in the driver's training manual, and flipped the van upside-down into a ditch. I sat there upside-down for a while and thought about whether or not I should see Edward Scissorhands by myself. I decided against it.

But enough about me. Nobody reads this blog because they want to find out more about me. Heck, nobody actually reads this blog, but if they did, it would be for my expertise on all things cinematic. This movie's Tim Burton's finest hour. It's got my favorite Hollywoody score, Danny Elfman at his most Danny Elfmanest. It's also got all these terrific pre-CGI sets, from the sprawling and oh-so-colorful suburban hell suspended in time to the contrasting house of Vincent Price. And that shrubbery! There are little touches that I like, too, like the car choreography as the men of the neighborhood head to work and Edward's fireplace "bedroom" collage. Speaking of Vincent, his scenes are touching. His character is a spiffy dresser, really pulling off that ascot, and you've got to love the elaborate way he makes cookies. That's such an awesome scene, Vincent shuffling and watching the cookie-making mechanism and almost moving to Elfman's music. His death scene makes me cry although admittedly, I cry from the beginning of this movie. But why did he give Edward scissors for hands in the first place? Why would that have ever made sense?

This is my favorite Winona Ryder, too. I've admitted before that the only reason I wrote "Speedwalk Fantasy" and wanted to start an alternative rock band was because I wanted to sleep with Winona Ryder. Love her look in this so much. During the dancing-in-the-snow scene, spinning Winona's got this almost classic silent beauty look. I love a scene where Depp looks at Winona Ryder's picture for the first time.

Oh, while I'm thinking about it, here's some more Shane trivia: Kevin, Winona's little brother, has the same baseball sheets I had as a kid.

This one also appeals to my quirky sense of humor. I like the freak slapstick of the displaced character and can't help smiling every time I think about Edward slamming his head into the window on the drive home, poking the water bed, or trying to put on a pair of pants. Alan Arkin is hilarious as the dad, especially his reaction and first line while he watches Edward eat. I also love how he just sits in a lawn chair and watches bowling in his backyard because in this Burton world, that's really pretty normal. "No no no. That's a terrible idea." "We don't want him rusting up on us." Fantastic delivery.

This has a much darker second half that almost clashes with the fairy tale-ish and comic first half, and you really have to be willing to suspend your disbelief to get any enjoyment out of this. For instance, a black cop in this neighborhood? That just doesn't seem believable. And where the hell does Edward get all the ice at the end of this movie?

But I cry every single time I watch this movie. I cry because Tim Burton and his characters pull just the right heart strings. I cry because Jennifer would never have had any interest in seeing this movie with me. And I cry because Winona Ryder would never have had any interest in sleeping with me no matter how high "Speedwalk Fantasy" charted. Even the old woman Winona Ryder who, by the way, I'd still want to bang.

House of Wax

1953 stereovision extravaganza

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Poor Henry Jarrod. He's worked hard to put together his wax museum, lovingly constructing historical characters for patrons to admire. But a mean guy sets fire to the museum, leaving Jarrod inside for dead. Wax figures apparently can't survive a fire, and all seems lost until Jarrod resurrects and reopens his business with a macabre twist.

I gave this the Vincent Price bonus and a separate bonus because I wasn't watching it with my 3D glasses and probably missed a lot of the brilliance. House of Wax is historically important as one of the first 3D films. I'm not sure the gimmick was used effectively. There's a scene with dancers' legs that I imagine would have looked like they were extending over theater-goers' heads, and a lot of pointless time spent with a top-hatted dude with three paddleballs. That's right--paddleballs. The scene with the burning wax museum looked a little odd, splotchy fires and wax sculptures melting like the bad guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I wonder if maybe there was some 3D action going on there. Speaking of that scene--the makers of this film missed a golden opportunity to have a little dark humor in this. There was a wax Joan of Arc, and Vincent Price's partner didn't set fire to that one first? What were they thinking? The wax figures, especially the ones at the end of the movie, were cool, and I liked watching a shadowy Vincent Price Darkmanesquely lurking in dark alleys or stalking his victims. This was a remake of 1933's Mystery of the Wax Museum which I plan on watching eventually despite the lack of 3D effects.

Madhouse

1974 horror film

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Paul Toombes is a horror film actor, famous for playing Dr. Death. When his girlfriend is murdered, Toombes loses his mind and his career and is committed to a mental institution. He's lured to England to film a television series with his old character, and upon his arrival, people start dying. Oh, snap!

This is a really boring movie. There's nothing wrong with Vincent Price or really even his character or the fictional character his character plays. In fact, Dr. Death looks pretty cool, especially during one of the few good scenes in the movie--Dr. Death stalking one of his female victims through an elaborately landscaped yard. But a few good-looking scenes and a solid Price performance isn't enough to salvage this oft-incomprehensible borefest. It's either confusing (what the heck is with the weird spider woman?) or I got bored and lost focus. At first, I thought that some of the movies-within-the-movie were interesting, but I started to recognize them from other Vincent Price movies, and then it all just seemed cheap and lazy. Bonus points award for not only Vincent Price but Vincent Price singing, something that always makes movies a little better.

Witchfinder General (The Conqueror Worm)

1968 period drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Matthew Hopkins appoints himself "Witchfinder General," travelling the countryside with his thuggish assistant Stearnes to falsely accuse and and put to death people thought to be witches. Soldier Richard Marshall's girlfriend's dad, a priest, is accused, and Richard goes AWOL, risking treason to come to her aid.

Vincent Price said that this was his best horror movie performance. It's a more serious Vincent Price, menacing and ruthless. It's a solid performance, strange when juxtaposed with his campy run as Lionheart in Theater of Blood. This isn't a scary horror film at all, but it's got this creepy tone with a strange period details similar to movies like Blood on Satan's Claw or even The Wicker Man. The horror has more to do with what actual people--indeed, characters whose thinking is sadly inspired by actual historical thinking--are capable of than the more fantastical ideas we get in most horror films. The ending earns a big wow with its ability to shock and horrify. Oh, by the way: I don't know what the American title (The Conqueror Worm) has to do with anything or if it's really based on an Edgar Allan Poe story. I don't think it is, but there is something literary about the dialogue, and a lot of the dialogue between Hopkins and Stearnes drips with a dark irony. "Men have strange motives for what they do." "We're doing God's work." Price recites a poem at the beginning of the movie, and that might be one of Poe's. I could look it up if Angie wouldn't have stolen the "Complete Works of" book that I used to use as a doorstop. All I know is that this movie has a Vincent Price sex scene, and my life will never be the same again. Or did I just imagine that?

Theater of Blood

1973 Vincent Price movie mayhem

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Shakespearean actor Edward Lionheart doesn't handle criticism very well. In fact, after being overlooked for a critics award, he crashes their little party and leaps to his death in the Thames. Only he doesn't die, instead hooking up with the motley crew of homeless folk who pull his body from the river and getting his murderous revenge, offing the critics one at a time using methods inspired by some of The Bard's most violent deaths.

Released a couple of years after one of my faves--The Abominable Dr. Phibes--this Vincent Price horror/dark-comedy has more than a few similarities. But that's fine with me. Vincent Price is always Vincent Price, pound for pound one of the most entertaining actors ever, but this is the Vincent Price I really love, the one who walks into every single scene with two handfuls of rancid pork products and facial hair with a life of its own. Vincent's performance in this is all over the place in this one. He does Shakespeare, and plays an effeminate afro-headed hair stylist, a murderous chef, a demented surgeon, and in a completely surprising moment, a trampoline-bouncing fencer. Sure, he's always Vincent Price with that inimitable voice and overall presence, but he really shows quite the range here, and I think he's having a blast in this role as Lionheart. And watching him beat an egg, or more accurately, diabolically beating an egg? Nothing short of movie magic, and quite possibly the first scene I'd show people in an effort to prove that Vincent Price is one of the greatest of silverscreen geniuses. The murders are extremely gruesome. When a decapitation is only the third or fourth most disturbing death in a movie, you know you're in for some fun. But I guess that should be expected from a murderer who's inspired by the deaths in Shakespeare's work. What's not expected is that it will all be so funny. This is a creative pot of colorful insanity, fun and fastly-paced, with that amazing tour de force performance by one of the finest actors ever. Recommended for those of you with a sick sense of humor.

The Invisible Man Returns

1940 sequel

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Geoffrey Radcliffe, a guy with a name that makes you want to sucker punch him, is scheduled to hang after being convicted of killing his own brother. But he didn't do it! Oh, snap! His fiance weeps as the day approaches. A scientist with a concoction to make people invisible, just like his brother in the first movie, shows up to help Radcliffe out. He sucker punches him and apologizes immediately. "I'm sorry," he said, "but your name is Geoffrey Radcliffe." Once invisible, Radcliffe runs off to find the real killer. It's a race against time, however, because the invisibility formula will gradually make him lose his mind. This is loosely based on the life of O.J. Simpson.

How do you make a sequel to a classic movie, one that isn't all that different when you boil it down, without offending audiences and making it totally suck? Add Vincent Price! This is his first horror film although there's really nothing horrifying about it. His character is an invisible man for whom you can root since he's been wrongly accused of a crime. To compensate for the inability to use facial expressions, Vincent really hams it up, and I don't know about viewers in 1940, but I was pleased to know that his character goes commando. The mystery isn't all that mysterious; like a Scooby Doo cartoon, you'll know who the real murderer is before you're supposed to. Also, in the intervening nine years, the details of the first invisible man have apparently become exaggerated as one character claims that "hundreds of lives" were lost. This offers nothing new with the special effects despite the nine years. They're fine, but it's more of the same. I did really like one scene with invisible Geoffrey messing with a character named Mr. Spars. Some quick camera movements and some nifty effects really brought Spars' fear and confusion to life. This is a fine sequel, somewhere in between the Abbott and Costello comedy and the original The Invisible Man and definitely required viewing for Vincent Price fans.

The Last Man on Earth

To celebrate the two year anniversary of when I last saw The Last Man on Earth, I decided to watch it again.

Long before the impressive "man" streak, long before my beard was longer than it is now but shorter than it was before, long before my wife threatened to take my life because of this blog, and long before I was ready to admit that Vincent Price is the greatest actor of all time, I sat down and watched this, the first adaptation of Richard Matheson's I Am Legend. It was June 23, 2008. I sat down with my action pants (a pair of tights with a jock strap worn over them), a muscle shirt, and a bowl containing approximately eight servings of tapioca pudding, and I watched The Last Man on Earth. Halfway through, I realized (and I've never told anybody about this before, but this is the kind of thing you share on two year anniversaries) that the ghost of Vincent Price, sans pants (action or otherwise), had sat beside me, leaning forward slightly and fondling the coffee table like it was a woman. We watched the rest of the movie together. I laughed twice, and he shot me a look like you see on the poster there. I yawned once; he shot me the same look. One year and two days later, while I was celebrating the one year anniversary of when I watched The Last Man on Earth, I was playing Michael Jackson's Thriller, and the song "Thriller" came on. I had attached jumper cables to my nipples in anticipation of the part of the song where Vincent Price laughs, and at that precise moment, my telephone rang and a man named Lucas who I had briefly, at a gas station in Nebraska, conversed with about how many different kinds of soda pops there were now compared to when he was a kid and then never seen again informed me that the King of Pop had died. "I thought you'd like to hear it from me first," he said. "I'm drinking something called a Grape Crush. Where the hell do they come up with this stuff?" That night, I was visited once again by the ghost of Vincent Price, sans shirt this time, and we wept together while he quoted a line from "Thriller": "Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together. Yeah." It was one of five life-changing experiences I had that week, but I don't remember the other four.

You can find my other write-up on June 23, 2008. My feelings haven't really changed. I think Price is excellent as usual. This movie really starts strong, sags in the middle with a really long flashback, and then has an unsatisfying conclusion. There are some great opening shots--empty gray buildings and streets, a gray sunrise, haunting gray corpses curled up on sidewalks or across stone steps, abandoned gray automobiles, a church sign with the ominous message "The end has come." And this has such a great opening line (Price's narration): "Another day to live through; better get started." The zombies really remind me of Romero's in Night of the Living Dead, but that could just be that I haven't seen a black and white zombie movie in a long time. I'd still rather them be mute though. When the zombies are first shown in motion, it's right after Vincent Price's character has thrown on a jazz record, and it looks for a moment like they're dancing. Something else I noticed this time around: There's a scene where Price is watching film, and he starts laughing at a scene with monkeys. It reminded me of the scene in Ghostrider where Nicolas Cage is laughing at televised monkeys, a scene that, if you haven't had to pleasure of watching Ghostrider yet, is very nearly a religious experience.

This is, for those of you keeping score, 50% better than The Omega Man and over 100% better than the terrible I Am Legend. And before you accuse me otherwise, that has nothing to do with my opinion on rights to own firearms or my racism.

The Fly

1958 horror movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A brilliant but obsessed scientist has invented a matter-transport device which he uses to create a defect on an ash tray and kill a kitty. Once perfected, while his sex-starved wife waits upstairs, he decides to test the machine on himself. But unfortunately and improbably, a fly sneaks in and the scientist winds up with a fly head and fly arm. And somewhere, buzzing about and irritating everybody, is a fly with his human head. Vincent Price, the scientist's brother-in-law, tries to get to the bottom of things.

Oh, man! Dig those special effects! When the fly-man hybrid is finally unveiled, it looks just like I'd expect--in my darkest of nightmares--a guy with a cheap fly mask to look like. This dorky effect is only topped near the end of the movie when you get to see the fly with the human head. There are some really silly bits of dialogue, especially when taken out of context. "[The cat went] into space. A stream of cat atoms." "You're a murderer just as much as Helen. She killed a man with a fly head. You killed a fly with a human head." "Is this the fly you have been looking for?" But it all kind of works as an original sci-fi flick with a creative premise. And, of course, you've got the incomparable Vincent Price playing "guy who looks disappointed and bewildered." Vincent Price, guys with insect heads, great female screams, a memorable ending. It all adds up to pretty good B-horror fare.

House of Usher

1960 Poe adaptation

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Another nondescript dude arrives at another creepy mansion, this one dilapidated and encircled by a misty swamp and dead foliage. This time, the nondescript dude has come to retrieve Madeline Usher, a gal he met in a night club in Boston. The nondescript dude is desperate, refusing to take no for an answer. Unfortunately, ghastly older brother Roderick Usher doesn't want his little sister going anywhere because the family is cursed. Roderick believes to end the bloodline of debauchery, perversion, and violence, he and his sister must die without producing any more Ushers.

The first of Corman's Poe adaptations, House's got a literate script from Richard Matheson, music by Lex Baxter, a monochromatic dream sequence, burying alive, and the greatest actor of all time in common with The Pit and the Pendulum. That would be the incomparable Vincent Price in case you don't know anything about movies. It's not quite as good as The Pit and the Pendulum, but I'm still amazed at Corman's ability to do a whole lot with little time and not much money. Corman's so good at creating mood through setting imagery. Here, you get gnarled tortured trees and a relentless fog to set the mood. The first shot of the house is electric. The denouement for House of Usher is powerful and intensely scary even though the demise of the house is the silliest thing I've seen since Village of the Damned. No, wait. It's sillier. My favorite thing about this one (other than the white-haired Vincent Price, of course) might be the paintings of the Usher ancestors that hang on the walls. That is one attractive family tree!

The Pit and the Pendulum

1961 Poe adaptation

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Some nondescript Frenchman travels to Spain to a castle where his sister has died under, what he believes is, mysterious circumstances. His sister's husband Nicholas Medina, the son of a torturin' man, and his sister try to convince him otherwise, but strange goings-on and half-truths only cause the mystery to grow.

One of many Roger Corman "Poe" movies. This has a style and a subtle edge that really makes it an effective horror movie. Vincent Price is about perfect as Nicholas, acting circles around his co-stars. There's a quiet psychosis with the character; he's calm but there are demons squeezing through his pores. The interior of the castle makes a great creepy setting, and Lex Baster's score wonderfully compliments. There are some odd, monochromatic washed-out flashback scenes that I couldn't decide if I liked initially. I eventually decided that I did. The first half of The Pit and the Pendulum is a little slow, but when things roll, they really roll. The finale--the part that has to do with the title--is stunning with its imagery and its twists-and-turns. From the pendulum scene until the breathtaking final shot--great filmmaking.

The Tingler

1959 William Castle science fiction horror movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Dr. Chapin's been experimenting with the source of human fear for a long time, sacrificing his relationship with his wife and maybe even his credibility. He's able to capture x-ray images of a creature that moves along the spine when somebody is scared, a creature whose only weakness is the human scream. Chapin stumbles upon an easily-frightened deaf woman and gets the opportunity to further study the Tingler.

This is considered a bad movie, but I just don't see it. It's got a great role for Vincent Price as the doctor, it's stylish, the story is original and interesting, there are some really creative visual effects including an innovative use of color, it includes a depiction of an LSD trip, and it's called The Tingler. I like the dynamics between the characters, and there's some good dialogue between Price's character and his wife. The soundtrack is also very strong even as it seems plagiarized from Hitchcock's films. Are there some goofy moments? Sure. I guess the schlockiest thing about this is the Tingler itself, sort of an indestructible centipede thing that bounces along the floor clumsily. And there's also, of course, the gimmickry. Castle planted screamers in the audience and used electrical shocks to give theater-goers a more multi-sensory experience. There's a really cool moment when the screen is completely dark and the only soundtrack is Vincent Price's voice and lots of screaming. I wouldn't try to argue that it's not cheesy, but at the same time, it's entirely possible that it's the greatest moment in the history of cinema. It's been a while since I've seen a Vincent Price movie. Every time I see one, I'm reminded that he is one of the greatest talents of all time. Anybody who can, without even the slightest giggle, say the lines he had to say during his film career deserves special recognition.

Laura

1944 mystery

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 14/20, despite the film's reputation as a classic!)

Plot: Somebody murdered the title whorish sweetheart, and a detective has to find out who did it. The suspects: the flamingly homosexual, bath-obsessed Waldo Lydecker; the more-than-likely homosexual Shelby Carpenter; some rich lady; a whorish model; Lee Harvey Oswald; Laura's lesbian maid; Lee Harvey Oswald's lesbian maid; and somehow, in a wild conspiracy, Laura herself. When Detective McPherson becomes enamored by Laura and her alcohol, things get really confusing.

Too imbalanced to be noir although it's noirish. My only real gripe about this movie is that there's not a focus on one character--the detective. Instead, we've got part of the story narrated by Waldo and parts of the story we're seeing from this third-person omniscient rather than limited (knowing only what the McPherson knows) perspective, and I think the movie's a little uneven because of it. Other than that, there's some great writing with witty dialogue and two truly brilliant scenes.

The House on Haunted Hill

1959 horror movie

Rating: 13/20 (Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: Vincent Price and his wife invite five people they sort of know to a slumber party in a haunted house. The hosts offer one thousand dollars to the guests who can survive the night in the house.

I like Vincent Price best when he plays deranged oddballs. This loopy mystery doesn't completely work, but it's at least entertaining. The rapport between Price and his wife (they want each other dead) is fun. The other characters could have been a little rounder though. Aside from some campy set pieces (why is there an acid pit in the house?), there are some genuine creepy moments as well as some scenes that are so goofy (the party favors, the skeleton) that they are impossible not to like. Unfortunately, there's also an oppressive soundtrack. I'm starting to think that Abbey's strategy for rating movies is flawed. She did compare this to Scooby Doo which, I believe, was a positive in her eyes.

The Bat

1959 horror mystery

Rating: 9/20

Plot: A serial killer, "The Bat," is on the loose during a time when self-respecting criminals had style and didn't even bother going out causing mischief unless they had a really cool nickname and costume. A banker, a doctor, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, an investigator, a woman, the woman's fiance, a female mystery writer, her assistant, a cook, a thief, a wife, her lover, an embezzler, and about sixty-seven other characters somehow get involved. A mystery is solved!

Vincent Price, since he is the greatest actor who ever live, is good as usual, but the rest of this is devoid of entertainment value. At first, I just thought the plot was really clunky and confusing. Then, I realized that whoever made this was actually trying to make a mystery and that I was supposed to be confused. Attempts to trick the audience wind up making the storytelling illogical and nonsensical. They don't work anyway. You can see the finale coming from 9/10 of a mile away.

The Baron of Arizona

1. 1950 historical drama

Rating: 11/20

Plot: James Addison Reavis concocts a complexly intricate hoax to swindle the government and the inhabitants of the Arizona territory. After traveling abroad, eating his own horse, and manipulating monks, gypsies, and orphan girls, he's able to at least temporarily convince everybody that he has rightful claim to the entire chunk of property. This understandably makes some people angry.

More Vincent Price, this time in a more subdued role. This is one of those cases where the story is really cool but the movie doesn't work very well. It's Simon Fuller's second movie, and apparently he's still learning the trade. It's pretty blah direction with much awkwardness, a flashback structure which doesn't work and then seems to be forgotten, and that typical 40's/50's-era Hollywood music that makes everything seem more majestic than it actually is. There's clumsy voiceover narration used during the first half of the movie. With the complete lack of style and some cardboard acting, it almost makes everything else look like reenactments for a documentary. Boring reenactments. This almost begs for a remake, probably with Tom Hanks in the lead. Maybe Russell Crowe. That or they could cast Will Smith as the Baron and add a wacky CGI lynch mob and have him quote Bob Marley. That would probably work.

Future Hollywood ideas man: