The Dragon Lives Again

1977 kung-fusploitation shenanigans

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Bruce Lee has died and ends up in hell with James Bond, Zatoichi, Dracula, Clint Eastwood, a bunch of mummies, Popeye, the Exorcist, the Godfather, Emmanuelle, the one-armed swordsman, and Kain. Some of the above are attempting a coup, and Bruce Lee has to stop them. And the devil has an earthquake machine.

In order to fully appreciate the beauty of this Brucesploitation craziness, you have to keep in mind that the makers claim it was "dedicated to the millions who love Bruce Lee," as if the whole thing was done to honor the man's legacy. First, they put him in hell. Second, they team him up with Popeye and have him getting beat up by the Chinese Clint Eastwood. This stars Bruce Leong, one of the handful of Lee imposters who starred in these things. He looks nothing like Bruce but has some sweet moves. Of course, they logically explain why he doesn't look the same. They also give him a humongous erection as a corpse which is really a nice touch, especially considering this is a movie dedicated to the millions who love Bruce Lee. The other characters? Well, Popeye's first bit of screen time is almost more shocking than anything in Se7en, the one-armed swordsman is sans sword, Dracula is a Chinese guy in white face who wanders around in the daylight, James Bond gets the theme music but unfortunately only lasts approximately 14 seconds in his final fight, and Emmanuelle says things like "I'm such a silly little pussy; you can spank my body if you want to." There are some dudes in skeleton suits which are kind of cool, and they must be where the Cobra Kai guys got their Halloween costume inspiration. There's a real skeleton, too, in one of the more ridiculous effects you'll ever see. I was also fond of watching the fake Bruce Lee battling mummies. Yes, they looked silly, but it was a cool visual against a backdrop of stone. Not sure why they needed to add footstep sound effects since they're fighting on sand. Of course, this is a hell where the devil can shake a pillar and cause earthquakes and there are people with fuzzy animal heads, so footsteps in the sand are far from the silliest thing going on here. I also caught a likely-unsanctioned Pink Floyd sample with the echoing laughter repetition that happens at the end of "Bike" on Piper at the Gates of Dawn.

Greatest thing about this movie (or perhaps any movie): "The third leg of Bruce Lee"

In case you're having problems finding this, be aware that it is also known as Deadly Hands of Kung Fu. You're welcome.

Carrie

1976 horror movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The titular bullied high schooler goes nuts and kills everybody.

This was the first movie that I can remember seeing in a movie theater back in '76 when my parents took me as a 2 1/2 year old. It was hard to forget the artsy dirtiness of that locker room scene, the way John Travolta drinks his beer, that bucket of pig blood, those flying knives, and that filthy hand as I relived it all over and over again in my nightmares throughout my childhood. Though dated somewhat, this is a horror classic. De Palma's storytelling, though not far removed from King's novel, is unapologetically over the top, but he's got a style that I really like here. I really like how Carrie the character is filmed in a lot of of this. She's seen at askew angles and through things enough, and it adds to the mystery of her character. I also loved this long shot that leads the audience up the rope and to that ominous bucket. The whole king/queen announcement sequence is brilliant and leads to  the longest applause for anything in movie history. The aftermath--the music cutting out with the only sound being a stylish bucket creaking and dripping--is such a perfect calm before the shit storm. Sissy Spacek is perfect; her eyes manage to give off an innocence and creepiness simultaneously. Piper Laurie is also perfect, the performance nowhere near realistic but deliriously entertaining regardless. She's effectively creepy while saying some pretty absurd things. "I can see your dirty pillows. Everyone will!" Also, note that carrot chopping scene. Laurie apparently thought that this movie was a spoof which may explain how she played her character. This isn't a perfect movie. There's a dancing scene where the camera spins around Tommy and Carrie way too fast, almost like De Palma wanted to make his audience really dizzy before the climax of the story. There are a few awkward comedy attempts including one with sped-up chipmunk voices. John Travolta, probably because he became so famous, is a little distracting. This movie should also probably lose points for his "Get 'er done!" which I'm sure is what gave Larry the Cable Guy the only idea he's ever had as a comic. There's also so much music, a few notes plagiarized from Psycho, I think. Of course, with an overbearing mother and a notable shower scene, I guess this has a few things in common with Hitchcock's movie.

Worth mentioning: Michael Talbott acting his ass off during the scene where they get a pig. Incredible performance.

Love this "Goof" from imdb.com: "Chris is somehow able to give her boyfriend a blow job and talk to him at the same time, without her voice being distorted in the least."

Suing the Devil

2011 Christian movie

Rating: 3/20

Plot: A law student sues Satan for 8 trillion dollars.

I feel the need to explain a little about how I stepped in this chunk of dog shit before I being describing how bad it smells or how it ruined my carpet. Because this might be the worst movie experience of my year for me. I saw half of a plot synopsis, noticed that Malcolm McDowell was playing the devil, and enthusiastically put this on. I could have done some research. I could have noticed the involvement of Rebecca St. James, a contemporary Christian artist whose name I recognize or maybe looked into the company that made this and realized what it was. I didn't, and I was severely punished. About three minutes into the thing, tipped off by some oppressive music and the production quality, I said to myself, "Uh oh. This feels like a Christian movie." Now, I don't have a problem with Christianity or really any religion. I do, however, have problems with what Christians make when they decide to get creative. The movie I wrote about here is a perfect example. I wouldn't have been surprised to see Kurt Cameron in the credits for this. What I am surprised about is Malcolm McDowell's involvement. Now, he's not awful or anything in this. As a matter of fact, he plays the devil about as well as I expected him to. But he must be either really desperate for work because he looks too weird to be in people's movies or he lost some kind of bet. A few nice lines are scattered throughout this courtroom drama, and McDowell gets to yell a little bit, but there's not really much to work with at all. And there's a scene where [SPOILER ALERT, I suppose, since this is near the end] a Bible reading leads to a marathon of McDowell belching which is far from his finest moment on the silver screen. Or a straight-to-video television screen. Other than McDowell, the acting is universally bad, especially from this Bart Bronson character who played the protagonist. He's either Australian or spoke in a faux-Australian accent for inexplicable reasons, but he's got the type of accent that makes everything he says seem like whining. The performance is brutally bad, made worse because the writing is so terrible. "Don't tell me I left the bullets at home!" is a line that shouldn't have made me laugh given the context, but the delivery and awkwardness of the whole thing did just that. Of course, I also know brain cancer isn't funny [Oh, shoot. SPOILER ALERT!] but a scene in which its revealed that his wife has brain cancer cracked me up. And I learned that brain cancer apparently makes you cough a lot. My favorite Bart Bronson moment: "Oh yeah. Nice magic trick, dude!" Shannen Fields, a woman who plays his wife and can't even spell her first name correctly, might be worse. And then there's a mention of Section 666 and a gavel drop and some awesome special-ed effects featuring twitching demons in hoodies and angels and this nifty exploding head trick, and it all manages to sink this thing even further until holy hell, you realize that this is probably the movie that Satan tried to show Job after God told him he could have his way with him.

Job: "You took my family, destroyed my property, and gave me leprosy. But this movie is too much, Satan! Uncle!"

You can watch this if you want, but it'll probably make you root for the devil. I'm not sure how comfortable you'd feel with that.

The Masque of the Red Death

1964 Poe movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A mean prince parties pretty freakin' hard while keeping people safe from the plague.

Ah, Vincent Price. It's been far too long, old friend. This is one of 7 or 8 Corman-directed Poe adaptations. This actually combines a couple--the short story that shares the same title and the more obscure "Hop-Frog" which has the alternate title of "The Eight Chained Ourangoutangs"--which allowed Corman to not only have Vincent Price using words like "Garrote them" or "One of [the daggers] is impregnated with a poison that kills in. . .five seconds" like no other actor can but also include a little person and Patrick Magee in a gorilla suit. The little person is played by Skip Martin who gets a chance to do some gymnastics and dance with Esmeralda, a character who is supposed to be another dwarf but who I think was a child dubbed with a grown woman's voice. Magee, when not in the gorilla suit, gets to speak to women about the "anatomy of terror" which is really close to the pick-up line I used when I met my wife. Of course, nobody can compete with the great Vincent Price even though he has difficulty saying "squirrels" correctly. His Prince Prospero character's got a nice pad with colorful rooms, a variety of animal heads on the wall, more interesting decor, a pendulum on a clock that moves way too slowly. Prospero makes his friends act like animals, a scene that ends with one lady in a yellow dress really getting into things with some gnarly flapping. There are also great party games like the aforementioned poison dagger game which inspires one couple--maybe the woman in the yellow dress and her date--to start voraciously making out upon. Like these other Corman productions, there's some nice period style, from the atmospheric opener to a nifty parade of plagues at the end. Speaking of that opener, I don't think cinematographers shoot through tree branches enough anymore. Samurai movies and old horror movies both feature shots through tree branches. There's also one of those obligatory trippy hallucination sequences all veiled in blue mist with Hazel Court's silent screams and an erotic bird attack. Bonus awesome moment: guy in the dungeon who goes "Waaaa!" Cool little period horror movie here, one that will definitely appeal to fans of Satan or plagues.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

2011 action movie

Rating: 25/20

Plot: The titular guy with the flaming skull has to fight the devil in order to save not only a boy's life but the entire world. Bring it on!

This whole movie feels like the cover of a heavy metal album that has come to live for the purpose of eating your stinking soul. That's especially true of flaming motorcycle cam scenes where Nic Cage's face starts contorting and getting all Ghost-Ridery. It's pretty badass. This sequel or reboot or whatever it is is a lot better than the first movie although that honestly doesn't say a lot. No, it's not a true 25/20, but there's a scene where the Ghost Rider pisses fire. And oh my God that might be the best thing that I've ever seen--Cage standing on the back of a moving truck demonstrating with some of his own flaming urine sound effects is magical all by itself, but when it changed to the Ghost Rider pissing fire, looking back at the audience, definitely breaking that fourth wall, and nodding his skull head? Holy hell, that's something to behold! It made me wonder if there was something I could buy in a toy store--similar to Hulk hands that make smashing noises or a Captain America shield--that would allow children to urinate flames. I'm a little confused about Ghost Rider's superpowers actually. Apparently, he can eat bullets, spin around while perpendicular about five feet in the air, survive missiles, turn all vehicles he drives into fire vehicles, and make people explode with a chain. And, of course, he can piss fire. The general tone of this movie feels different than it did with that first movie, but I'm probably not remembering it very well. There's almost non-stop action, right from the get-go with some crazy shaky-cam monastery kidnapping action and a car chase scene, but this also feels a lot more tongue-in-cheek. There's a humor I either don't remember or was too distracted to see. Nicolas Cage doesn't laugh at a monkey in this movie though. Cage's performance adds to his legendary list of unhinged credits. There's a scene where the Ghost Rider does a cute little dance while a nondescript bad guy says "Get some" which was nice, but the best scene is where he really loses his shit, makes himself twitch like no other actor is capable of doing, laughs like no other actor can laugh, and says "Scratching at the door, scratching at the door!" in this unearthly falsetto. He also threatens to eat somebody's stinking soul. He also narrates a bit (of course, because he's Nicolas Cage), reminds me of The Wicker Man remake with a line about bees, and gets a terrific line that I think might have been lifted from an original draft of Die Hard--"Merry Christmas, you assholes!" That line had to be improvised. And Nicolas Cage has to be on drugs. I also liked the too-brief performance of a guy playing a Swedish hippie who says, "Dude, what happened?" There are lots of "dudes" in this movie actually. And enough references to Twinkies to make me wonder if Hostess had some kind of deal. I can't imagine a urinating Ghost Rider being on a box of Twinkies next to the Twinkie cowboy with his lasso. Despite all the moments in this movie with a raw sublimity that will likely make you either spew blood or ejaculate right in your pants, this movie is a whole lot of dumb. When the devil gives the main bad guy the "power of decay," it apparently also involves giving him bad blond hair for some reason, and he succeeds in looking stupid rather than menacing. A big motorcycle stunt has either the dumbest or greatest musical selection backing it--a guitar-driven song with the lyrics "I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch in my jeans." There's the randomly jerking camera, a trick I don't normally like in action movies and that here seems even more irritating. There's an unnecessary dig at Jerry Springer, and a subtitle that read "All chanting in demonic language." And a climactic fight scene on top of moving vehicles was about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and I had just seen a leather-clad flaming-skulled guy urinating fire about an hour before. I did laugh at a whispered "Roadkill" that punctuated that fight though. I did appreciate a very obvious Wilhelm scream though. This movie is far from great, but at least it's a consistently entertaining bad movie.

Lo

2009 romantic comedy

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Justin's girlfriend April has been abducted by a demon, and he has to use a book of spells she left behind to call upon Lo, a demon who looks a heck of a lot like Lord Voldemort, to get her back.

I wanted to like this extremely low-budget independent romantic comedy because the concept is kind of neat, maybe more for the stage than the screen, and the director Travis Betz is a fellow Hoosier. The modern take on the myth of Orpheus unfortunately just isn't clever enough or entertaining enough to keep a person's interest. At the start, I thought I was watching low-grade horror until the titular demon shows up, starts calling the guy Dinner, performs a demon-head-busting-open magic trick, tells the main character to clean the shit from his pants, and asks, "Where the fuck am I?" He's got a little Beetle Juice in him. And he really does look like Voldemort, but that's just probably the lack of nose. I don't think my problem with this is the single setting with a few flashbacks mixed in. The problem was more to do with the Lo character being a little too dopey. There was also too much dopiness in the asides with gay Nazi demons busting into songs (though I imagine "Demon Girl" with a demon saxophonist is deservedly a big hit in hell), a random dancing demon waiter that made me ask "Why is this happening?", and a flashback scene complete with canned laughter. It wasn't until a second flashback scene featuring these weird gold-painted heads sticking out of the wall that I figured out that I'd already seen this movie, nearly fifteen years before it had even been made. There's also a scene where the guy talks to his hand, but it's not nearly as entertaining as when that happens in Evil Dead II. I do enjoy scenes in movies where a bunch of characters laugh in creepy ways at another character, and this does have a nice one of those. The demon costumes probably aren't bad for the budget this movie had, but I think I've seen better masks on trick or treaters. There's just too much exposed flesh in the eye-holes. In the end, this isn't funny enough to work as a comedy and not emotionally compelling enough to work as anything else. A scene at the end is supposed to be touching, but I was distracted because the actors just couldn't pull it off. This movie does contain a line that reminded me of something I said when I proposed to Jennifer though: "Tell me you won't eat me, and I'll make you my wife."

The Evil Dead (+ bonus short)

1981 horror film

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Like The Social Network, this is based on Mark Zuckerberg's story. Five punks retreat to a cabin in the woods and unleash evil demons when they read from (here's the joke's explanation in case you didn't get it) a book with a face on it. They fight to survive!

This isn't the goofy cinematic masterpiece that its sequel is, but it's a quality low-budget horror film. The tone's a lot different in this one although there are hints of the inventive camera work, wild creativity, and sick humor that makes Evil Dead II so memorable and fun. There's lots of squelchy body parts sloshing around in the blood and guts and milk, and there's one scene where a woman is violated by foliage that will either arouse or horrify you. Or horrouse you, maybe give you a horrection. Bruce Campbell takes a lot of punishment here, and it would be hard for somebody seeing these for the first time to believe that he takes even more in the second installment. I believe he's attacked by shelving more in this one than he is the zombie demons. I love a shot in the cellar where the camera leaves Campbell and circles all the way around the setting before settling back on the character again, a shot that is reused in Evil Dead II. I also like how the demons here don't just try to kill Ash and his pals. No, they taunt him first, like demon zombie trash talk. Joe LoDuca's clacky junkyard score is the perfect companion for the foreboding tone of the early scenes and the frantic ack-there's-a-zombie nutsiness later that follow. Once those start rolling, this is so fast paced that it's impossible to get bored. It all ends in some lovely stop-motion demon decay following by a "Join us" or three and a terrific abrupt ending. That Raimi is able to create something so memorable and chilling with almost no budget is a small little miracle.

Speaking of fun gory movies, I was moved recently to watch this short German film, a parody of those goofy job safety videos. This one is called "Forklift Driver Klaus: First Day on the Job" and is really funnier if you go into it without any prior knowledge. It's terrific! Find it here at Youtube.

Equinox

1970 demon movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Picnicking college kids find a laughing old guy and an old book in a cave and incur the wrath of some devil monsters. That, in case you don't have much picnic experience, is worse than ants.

There's a promising start with the opening credits, creepy Bernard Hermann-esque music with shots of clock innards, something I never mind seeing in movies which makes me wonder if I should have become a watchmaker. Then, this really goes nowhere for a while. There are a few minutes of a guy running awkwardly and a car driving by itself and then some talking. The story's told in flashback by the lone survivor of the worst picnic of all time. That's one of the few reasons this 1970 movie feels like a 50's B-science-fiction movie. There's some terrifically bad performances throughout Equinox. Director Jack Woods keeps popping up as the creepy Forest Ranger Asmodeus. Woods apparently thought it would be good for his career to show extended close-up shots of himself doing this:

A crazy laughing guy in a cave is really awesome, and I'll have to figure out his name if he ends up winning my Torgo Award this year. And science fiction/fantasy author Fritz Leiber has a small role as Dr. Waterman and although he gets no speaking parts, he still manages to be really awful. It's a special performance. Things aren't looking good, but then there are these great stop-motion tentacles, a stop-motion ape thing murdering a stop-motion old-guy-from-cave, and a stop-motion devil bat thing that nearly saved the movie. I'm a sucker for that sort of thing anyway. Low-budget effects, but pretty cool. There's also an exploration of the evil book that reminds me a lot of what Sam Raimi did with his book in the Evil Dead movies. Parts of this manage to be effectively eerie, and it's worth a look if you like 1950's B-movies that were made in 1970. Oh, and it ends with a "The End" that morphs into a question mark which you've got to love. You just imagine the makers of this saying, "Hey, our story won't really make anybody think that a sequel is needed, but just in case, we should probably put a question mark at the end!"

Question: Why did Criterion release this one?

Paranormal Activity 2

2010 horror sequel

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Some demon thing is bullying a family, threatening to swipe their baby. And their little dog, too. It slams the cabinet door, makes messes, and stays out well past curfew. Oh, and it might be having sex with the pool cleaning device. If this is anything like the first movie [SPOILER ALERT: It kind of is.], then these people are probably going to die. And the dog. Dog's not making it either.

Second verse, same as the first? Except this bunch of paranormal activity involves a dog and a baby. The dog's good, maybe my favorite animal actor of the year. This builds suspense really well and has some moments that about made my stomach leave my body, but unless my recollection of the first movie is just wrong, the scares here are more of the loud, sudden noise or sudden movement variety than pure unadulterated psychological horror. This movie's got a pattern. It lulls you to sleep by showing you the series of blue-hued (see poster) security video where nothing is happening unless you count a pool cleaning robot thingy moving around as "something happening." But whereas the first Paranormal Activity movie managed to seem original despite borrowing heavily from Blair Witch, this one seems too much like a gimmicky Xeroxed copy. The acting's not bad although the dad doesn't always seem like a normal guy to me, and I'm still impressed with the no-budget affects and the amount of creepiness this conjures up. A lot of it is that it just takes away so much that is familiar about traditional horror movies--the music, a lurking camera, changes in perspective. The sameness of it all really creates a feeling of uneasiness. I do wonder how much the performances in this know beforehand or if the director just sticks them in situations and then makes things happen. I suppose that I could look that up, but I don't care about the movie enough to do it.

Summer of Nicolas Cage Movie #5: Drive Angry

2011 3D mayhem!

Rating: 6/20

Plot: John Milton (oh, geez) is angry as he drives in search of some devil worshippers who killed his daughter and are about to sacrifice his granddaughter. Oh, and he escaped from Hell. That might be a spoiler. Sorry about that. Milton meets a waitress, kills her fiance with an air conditioner, and takes her along on the trip. Meanwhile, a mysterious man known as The Accountant pursues Milton while he pursues the devil worshippers. Cue "Yakety Sax"!

There's a muffin reference in this one.

This movie assaulted me--throwing slow-motion bullets, coins, flying cars, baseball bats, severed fingers, pieces of glass, blood, and whatever else its makers could find into my living room. Because you see, just having all hell breaking lose is fine, but it's really nothing compared to having all hell break lose in 3D! I mean, did I enjoy watching William Fichtner of Prison Break walking toward me? Sure, but when I imagine what I missed by not seeing him walk toward me in 3D, it makes me. . .well, angry. And then it makes me want to drive. Angry. By the way, should I penalize this movie for having a grammar error in the title? It should be Drive Angrily. This is the type of movie that doesn't care about that though, the type that if you tried to correct its grammar would get all in your grill and say, "What are you? A fucking English teacher or something?" It's also the type of movie that would probably pick fights with other movies. "You think you're bad ass or something, Real Steel? Watch me throw a car over the side of this bridge! Woooooooooo!" I swear to God that I'm not making this up, but Drive Angry actually threw a punch at me while I was watching. Luckily, I had just bent down to grab an ink pen that I had dropped, and the punch didn't connect. It would have hurt, too, because Drive Angry's fist was all on fire and made of iron. My whole face would have probably exploded! Just the soundtrack of this movie could probably kick your ass. "Raise a Little Hell," a classic played during an opening scene where Nicolas Cage's character shoots a guy's hand off (right into your lap thanks to 3D technology) while things explode and "Fuck the Pain Away," another aggressive song that's played minutes before a scene where a guy punches a naked woman. I need to buy the soundtrack because it would be perfect for times when I need to drive angrily. Or as William Fichtner describes Nicolas Cage: "Angry with attitude." Fichtner's easily the best thing about this movie, by the way. His character doesn't make a lot of sense, but he's kind of cool, and Fichtner understands that he's playing a comic character. The guy who plays the leader of the Satan worshippers (Billy Burke, apparently taking a break from those teenage vampire movies) is really awful. He's got an unidentifiable accent and looks like he's auditioning for a David Copperfield biopic or something. And our hero, Nicolas Cage? Well, this isn't his best performance, and I'm surprised his skull wasn't on fire in this movie. For the most part, he looks exactly like he does on the poster up there--angry. I did like his aggressive-kiss-coffee-drink move though, and there's a great scene in a hotel room where he simultaneously smokes a cigar, drinks whiskey from the bottle, has sexual intercourse, and kills a bunch of Satan worshippers who are attacking him with garden utensils. In case I wasn't clear--that's all happening at the same time. I imagine it's pretty close to Nicolas Cage's honeymoon actually.

My favorite Cage line: "It's still in there. The bullet. I can feel it."

Back to the 3D thing. The ways the makers of Drive Angry try to take advantage of the technology is laughable. The CGI in this movie is some of the worst I have ever seen, and I wonder if it wouldn't look as bad in a theater with the 3D glasses. It wouldn't have come close to saving this movie though. But the next time I have an opportunity to see a Nicolas Cage movie in 3D, I'm watching it with aviator goggles.

Devil

2010 Night chronicle

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Right after a man jumps to his death from a window far above the van he lands on, a black guy, a white guy, an old woman, a younger woman, and a mattress salesman enter an elevator in building 333. The elevator malfunctions, apparently because it's possessed by the devil. Devil! A detective and the audience try to figure out what the hell is going on.

As soon as the words "The Night Chronicles" popped onto the screen, I had mixed feelings of glee and disappointment. On the one hand, this wasn't an actual M. Night Shyamalanadingdong movie, so it was unlikely that the level of comedy would meet my expectations after watching his brilliant comedy The Happening. On the other hand, M. Night now apparently thinks he's become the next Alfred Hitchcock and there's going to be a whole bunch of this crap, and some of it's going to be really bad. Devil isn't a complete disaster. In fact, the premise is sort of cool, and in the hands of a better writer, one without so many A's in his last name maybe, this might have ended up fairly good. As the film begins, you get these upside-down aerial shots of a city, and I was thinking, "Oh, my God. Shyamalan couldn't even find a director who knows how to properly hold a camera!" Once the detective comes along to solve the mystery of the falling man, things get ridiculous. And that's at the beginnning of the movie, so I guess things get ridiculous fairly quickly. The detective has trouble finding the broken window because of a moving truck or something, and it made me wonder if he was the right man for this or any job. It's just like when you hear the characters in this (especially the mattress salesman) interact with each other? It made me wonder if the writer, the director, and the actors and actresses were the right men and women for the jobs. I really wondered if anybody involved in the production of Devil has ever heard actual human interaction before. My favorite bit of dialogue is the bit about toast falling "jelly-side down" or whatever. Seriously, who wrote this garbage? So is Devil watching despite its many sins? Overall, no. It's too gimmicky and too silly to really enjoy. Or maybe I'm completely wrong and it's the gimmicks and the silliness that make it enjoyable. Who knows? All I do know is that I'll never look at devil-possessed elevators the same way again. In fact, next time I'm in an elevator with other people, I'm just going to go ahead and kill everybody just to be on the safe side. It might just save my life, and I'll have M. Night Shyamalan to thank for that.

Awakening of the Beast

1970 didactic drug movie

Rating: 20/20 (See: Coffin Joe Movies Get a 20 or He'll Eat Your Face Off Rule)

Plot: Psychologists test the effects of hallucinogenics by monitoring volunteers. Coffin Joe invades their lobes and chaos ensues.

What I learned from this movie because Coffin Joe taught it to me and if I even suggest that he's wrong, I'll end up having my face eaten off: Coffin Joe's world is strange and made up of strange people, but none are more strange than me. That's how he introduced this delightfully messy movie.

I promise this is the last Coffin Joe movie I'll review because I don't know where I'm going to find any more of them. This is the one that halted his career, banned for twenty years, probably because it's perverted and subversive. Also known as Ritual of the Maniacs (I would have guessed Ritual of the Sadists from both the content and the Portuguese on the gruesome poster above), this is sort of like a Brazilian Reefer Madness as directed by somebody really evil. It's almost like a collection of cinematic short stories, each one a sort of cautionary tale about what might happen if you take LSD. In the opener, some creepy men picture a gal naked while a little record player plays a song about war. Then the girl starts stripping and they all watch before unwrapping a chamber pot. They all laugh, and the record reaches its scratchy conclusion.

In the next scene, a pretty girl is taken to an apartment. There's a guy suspended from the ceiling, a guy playing drums (not quite as manic as the piano guy in Reefer Madness), a guitarist lying on the floor, some guys who burst into song. She sees a guy smoking something; another guy starts stripping. Everybody starts snapping at her like they're all beatniks or extras in West Side Story before somebody asks, "Dig it, baby?" She craws through a window and stands with her legs apart on a table while the men take turns putting their heads up her skirt. They circle around her while holding up a finger and first chanting but later whistling "Colonel Bogey March" from Bridge on the River Kwai. They take turns, well, poking her before Jesus walks in and violates her with a long staff. That's what drugs can do to you, kids.

The third scene is much simpler--a guy watches three women remove their brassieres. He smells them, of course. They bend over and he kicks them.

One fantastic mini-story involves a well-to-do woman setting it up so that her black butler and her daughter (I think) get it on. She watches from a hiding spot while snorting cocaine and fiercely petting a pony.

And there's a scene I'm surprised isn't really famous, one that involves the washing of undergarments and a guy with an absurdly bulbous phallic jug.

A lot of the more gruesome scenes near the end, the ones that involve sadism and cannibalism and Marins' Boschian idea of Hell, are a lot of the more memorable scenes in the incoherent compilation Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind. One would guess that they'd make more sense in context, but they really don't. And that's the beauty of Marins and this misogynist acid trip or filthy nightmare or whatever you want to call it. Did I dig it, baby? Yes, I did, Coffin Joe! Yes, I did.

Devil Doll

1964 evil ventriloquist movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Loosely based on the life of Edgar Bergen, this one's about The Great Vorelli, a stage hypnotist and ventriloquist with a dummy capable of leaving the lap and walking around before saying one-liners like "Who are you calling a dummy, dummy?" or "Morning wood? It's morning, afternoon, and night wood for Hugo!" Vorelli spots a chance to inherit a fortune and hypnotizes the lovely and wealthy Marianne Horn. Marianne's boyfriend Mark doesn't approve.

Any time Hugo is on screen, this reminded me of The Twilight Zone (in a good way) and was effectively spooky. Whether Hugo's in his cage, "performing," or walking around on his own, he has this ability, like all ventriloquist wooden men probably, to make you a bit uneasy. The problem is that The Twilight Zone is about twenty minutes long while this thing was movie-sized, stretching the plot mighty thin. Bryant Haliday--an actor with only six, mostly B-pictures on his resume (How did I miss The Projected Man during my infamous "man" streak?)--does everything he can with a pretty lousy script and is really pretty good. He's at least good enough to have a career longer than six movies. I liked the scenes with Vorelli on stage, mostly because they seemed nowhere near natural. It seems like a lot of the extras should have walked out during the weird hypnosis stuff--making people think they're being executed or getting women to dance. If not, the stuff with the dummy would have cleared the house. A walking ventriloquist dummy, although a novelty, wouldn't necessarily be entertaining, would it? And the interaction between Hugo and Vorelli was so intense, the latter barking these orders with an odd threatening edge in his voice. This movie really isn't very good, mostly because of a weak story and poor writing, and it's not bad enough to be funny. In fact, it's the type of movie you'd forget about completely if not for the image of Hugo walking around on his own with that goofy smile on his face. It's not the worst way to spend eighty minutes though. Here's Hugo:

Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind

1978 film that just ain't right

Rating: 20/20 (Yes, there's a new Coffin Joe Rule. If you don't like it, take it up with him and more than likely have your face eaten off.)

Plot: A psychologist is troubled by nightmares in which the movie character Coffin Joe fondles his wife. His colleagues try to convince him that Coffin Joe is only a character and even call Jose Mojica Marins to speak with him. Then, on the back of a fish truck that unloads, his conscience explodes.

"Flesh will be blood, blood will become water to bathe my eternal legacy and glorify the pleasure of pain in the bodies of the damned. So shall it be from one galaxy to another from one existence to another. The little forever midget and the great eternal giant."

If God called the Audience of One guy to make the science fiction Joseph movie, I think Satan was probably responsible for this one. Or a buttload of hallucinogenics. This starts with a drumming, spinning hunchback, an image that in a normal movie would probably be the weirdest one. But this is a Jose Mojica Marins movie, not a normal movie, and the hunchback is just a precursor to about eighty minutes that can only be categorized as an unhinged barrage of nightmarish visuals, mostly censored scenes from his other movies that he's recycled. Bugs crawling on people, wind-up toy snakes, really really bad naked dancing, devil figurines, a bridge made out of people, a mustachioed spider puppet, waving feet, snakes and the women who laugh at them, Coffin Joe shooting fuckin' lasers out his fingers like Emperor Palpatine, shots of colorful test tubes and beakers with frothy foaming liquids, walls made of tarp and naked women, laughing and then exploding black guys in Speedos, those curling fingernails, that ominous unibrow, Erik Estrada, people in animal masks, a magically appearing top hat with pyrotechnics, naked guys tumbling down staircases, Satan poking the half-buried with a pitchfork, fire-breathing topless women, nude posteriors with goofy faces painted on them, finger-eating pasty guys, a lot of shots of half-buried people, what appears to be a cannibalism game show with an upside-down guy and a smiling man in a tuxedo beside him, demons with claw hammers, laughing skulls, random shots of frogs, white mice danging in front of bare breasts, severed hands, gelatinous head walls, tongue yankin', and that guy with two different-sized ears I've seen in Marins' other movies. And yes, that's all as badass as it sounds. Low-budget insanity art, toxic and mystifying. I've seen my share of weird movies, and I can tell you with confidence that there's not much out there that is this relentlessly weird. And I know what you're wondering, so I'll go ahead and answer the question for you--No, you can't handle this movie. Sadly, you would probably have trouble finding it anyway.

Taoism Drunkard

1984 kung-fu insanity

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Umm. Well, the titular drunkard breaks a statue, and to make up for it, he has to find the cherry boys and the Virgin Chicken. Meanwhile, a kung-fu demon is trying to steal some holy writing, but he's having a difficult time getting past a grandmother and a watermelon monster. That's right. A freakin' watermelon monster. Confession: I have almost no idea what was going on during most of this movie.

This is how I like my kung-fu--nice and insane. Within ten minutes, you get the following: some spacey sound effects, knee knives, some flying, a guy who has no palm lines, a flashback that sort of explains why he has no palm lines, tongue removal, a porcupine man, these cool physics-defying metal balls that a guy uses as weapons, and a drunken guy driving a car shaped like a mouse. Don't think that Taoism Drunkard shoots its wad too early though. You don't have to wait too long before the real star of the show makes his appearance. The Watermelon Monster:

This is the thing that guards the writing that the devil guy is trying to steal. It hops and flies around, snapping its teeth (it seems to go straight for the groin) and nipple-tweaking with these tentacle things. It's the greatest thing ever, and I realize I've written that exact same thing about eighty different things on this blog, but this time I mean it. And the zaniness doesn't let up after this first appearance of this spherical fighting machine. No, you get a kung-fu fighter who can retract his head and arms into him like a turtle, articles of clothing used as weapons, attack tables, the biggest sword I think I've ever seen, a poison that ages the victim, urine drinking, an homage to the Marx Brothers' mirror gag, a giant stone foot that pops out of the wall and kicks people, and in my personal favorite scene, a kung-fu master who incorporates the robot and the moonwalk into his fighting repertoire. There's also a song with the raunchy lyrics "Though the sugarcane is small, it is hard as iron" that they sing to the tune of "It's a Small World." Whew. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's very funny and quickly paced, and the fight scenes are creative. This is the type of kung-fu movie that you have to pause every once in a while just to catch your breath. Something strange though--the version I watched was subtitled instead of being dubbed. Major bummer, and it probably didn't help me understand the plot any, but there were some (I'm guessing) poorly translated subtitles that were funny.

"So me ate what he grew."

"I am using abdominal language to joke with you."

And some dirty talk during a sex scene: "How is it? Is it comfortable and interesting?" If I ever have sex again, I'm going to say that.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

2001 religious kung-fu musical horror comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: I haven't read it, but I think this might be based on John's the Book of Revelation.

Yes, that's Santo on the cover, side-by-side with Jesus and ready to fight lesbian vampires. And in the middle is Mary Magnum in that tight little red leather number. Fetching. Making Jesus an action hero is dangerous business, especially since a lot of religious folk don't have much of a sense of humor. But I'm not sure Christians would be too appalled with the character Himself since I don't think He does anything Jesus wouldn't have done like Scorsese had Him doing in The Last Temptation of Christ. Unless bad puns are offensive. In fact, even though the title hero is your typical overblown action hero, he is the hero. He fights evil, and he quotes scripture. What's likely more blasphemous is the use of Santo. El Santo in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter can't wrestle and is portly. When watching this movie, your first thought (other than "This is blasphemous!") would probably be, "I think this might have been made on the cheap." And you'd be right. Your third thought would probably be, "This was made in 2001? No way! It's got to be from the 70s!" But there's a charm to the proceedings, and the script, littered with (intentionally?) bad punnage and silly action hero banter, is funny enough. I found myself laughing more than I really wanted to. For whatever reason, hearing Jesus deliver the line "I'll need to buy some wood. . .for stakes!" was hilarious. I also thought the spinning crucifix used as a Batman-esque transition between scenes was clever. I also liked a scene where about three hundred baddies get out of an SUV. Not all the comedy worked though, evidenced by a scene where Jesus has a conversation with a bowl of cherries. The bowl of cherries actually tells him to find El Santo. I can't decide if seeing Jesus and a priest hanging out at a Hooters-type restaurant is funny or not. There's a lot of kung-fu in this movie, and it won't exactly make you think of Bruce Lee. The fight scenes often seemed endless, and if the guy who played Jesus (Phil Caracas [Wait a second! Isn't the guy who plays Jesus in the Mel Gibson movie named Caracas?]) had any martial arts training, they wasted their obviously limited funds on it. There is a scene where a character uses intestines as a weapon though. I should have started making a list of those movies a long time ago. This is also a musical, and although the songs were only slightly more tolerable than Repo: The Genetic Opera's numbers, there at least was some eclecticism. You had punk, techno-robot-lounge, keyboard blipping, 80s feel-good movie rock, Mexicali funk, cheesy lounge, neo-funk with vocoder, dance music, retarded jazz, and my personal favorite--a really creepy song where somebody whispered the books of the New Testament with cymbal accompaniment. The performers were likely friends of the director, some of them, I think, appearing as more than one character, but three of them were real stand-outs. Josh Grace was deliriously over-the-top as Dr. Praetorious. I checked his resume, and he's been in a few of JCVH director's Lee Demarbre's movies including one where Demarbre includes another Mexican movie legend--The Aztec Mummy. I can't find the name of a screaming woman, but it was one of the best screams I've heard in a long time. But the very best part of the movie is the introduction and musical performance of Blind Jimmy Leper played by an actor named "Lucky Ron" who had about as many teeth as Shane McGowen. He does this scatting number which could probably prove the existence of God to even the most diehard of atheists. Jesus jumped on the stage and did his own scatting, but he couldn't beat the work of Blind Jimmy Leper. And when you're Lucky Ron and can prove in your lone movie that you can out-scat Christ Himself, you don't have to do anything else as a performer to win a lifetime achievement award on shane-movies.

Note: I've heard that there's an Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter movie being made. Joaquin Phoenix is attached to that project. I guess his career is doing just fine!

Night of the Demon

1957 horror movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: American psychologist John Holden travels to London for a conference on the paranormal. Plans to work with Professor Harrington are changed when the professor manages to electrocute himself while trying to flee from a giant funky-looking demon. Skeptical of all things in the realm of the paranormal, Holden doesn't listen to the warnings of Harrington's neice or believe the strange things that occur following his arrival in England are anything more than coincidences. Unfortunately for him, he's been cursed by cult leader and part-time clown Julian Karswell, a guy who tells him he's scheduled to die in just a couple days.

I know, I know. The movie's called Night of the Demon or, in America at least, Curse of the Demon. It's got a B-movie plot about devil worshippers and curses. It starts with B-movie-style narration, a guy rambling about this-and-that over shots of what could be stock footage of Stonehenge. And it's got a demon monster thing that looks exactly like it does on the poster up there. Yeah, on the surface, it smells an awful lot like a B-horror flick, cheap Satanploitation from the 50s. Instead, it's a tense, quickly-paced little thriller with atmosphere galore and some genuinely spooky moments. Plenty to dig here--demon-aided wind storms, cult leader parlor magic tricks, anthropomorphous slips of paper, killer smoke, a hand on a banister, a killer demon-possessed kitty. Speaking of the latter, and giving this even more of a B-movie flavor, there is a fantastic scene where the main character wrestles with a stuffed animal. I love those. This movie shoots its wad early, against Out of the Past director Jacques Tourneur's wishes apparently, by showing the demon in the first five minutes of the movie. And it looks decently menacing from a distance, stumbling through the trees like a clumsy Japanese monster. An unfortunate close-up makes me wonder if it's a borrowed head from a Roger Corman horror movie. The demon pops up again later in a nearly identical way. There are a few nice shots with parts of the demon though. But this movie is much more effective, and easily more suspenseful and mysterious, during the middle bulk of the movie when the demon is nowhere to be seen. Something about the dialogue, and I'm not sure if it's in the writing or the characters' rapport which at times seemed rushed, was a little off. But despite any flaws this movie might have, this little horror movie's got a lot of character and demonic charm, and Tourneur's great directing eye for visual storytelling and mood making keeps it interesting from start to finish.

By the way, I gave this a full bonus point for the performance of Reginald Beckwith as Mr. Meek, a medium. He's on the screen for only a short time but it's a magical short time. I wanted a Mr. Meek spin-off movie! Beckwith walks into the scene a normal guy, becomes completely unhinged, starts doing all these weird voices, and then finishes and leaves the movie. If this was the only job Reginald Beckwith ever had, he still would have deserved a lifetime achievement award for this scene. And don't tell me those weird voices were just some really well-done dubbing job because it will crush my spirit.

The Devil and Daniel Webster

1941 movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Good-natured New Hampshire farmer Jabez Stone trades his soul to Mr. Scratch for seven years of prosperity. Good fortunes change him, making him an avaricious womanizing bastard. When his seven years are up and Jabez is on top of the world, Mr. Scratch comes to collect. Only politician and orator Daniel Webster can save the day!

Seems like I've seen a lot of devil movies this year. This could probably be the Year of Satan if it wasn't already the Year of "Man" Movies and the Year That Shane, Sans Pants, Watches 365 Movies. That last part was for the ladies. But yeah, this will be a hotly (pun intended) contested "Satan of the Year" award. Walter Huston's is damn good though. His Mr. Scratch isn't your typical devil like the one who attacks Santa Claus in Santa Claus. He's more that ornery trouble-maker who has a decent sense of humor, a guy you wouldn't mind sharing a few drinks with because you just know he's got some good stories to share. The Stephen Vincent Benet short story this is based on has always seemed odd to me (Why Daniel Webster?) but it's a fascinating one that William Dieterle's visuals tell remarkably. My favorite thing about this movie (other than Huston's performance or the shape of Simone Simon's face) might be the lighting. There are so many shots in this that are just so artistically set up. This really is a beautiful film to look at. There are some creepy, almost surreal bits, too, like the scene with the moth, the miser's last dance, and the climactic courtroom scene. This easy-to-connect-with interpretation of the Faust story seems ahead of its time, is entertaining from start to finish, and has a timeless moral.

Until next time, ladies.

Santa Claus

1959 Mexican Santa Claus movie

Rating: 3/20 (Jen: 1/20 [fell asleep]; Emma: 2/20 [fell asleep]; Abbey: 10/20)

Plot: Pretty much your standard Christmas story. It's Christmas Eve and Santa Claus is somewhere in space or heaven overseeing his sweatshop while children from many different cultures help him prepare for his magical flight. Of course, Satan wants to stop him and sends demon Pitch to tempt kids to be naughty and kill Santa. And of course, Santa has to get help from Merlin the magician to survive the night and ensure that the nice children wake up with a living room full of presents. Even the poor little girl who just wants a freakin' doll!

You have to love a Christmas movie that has the ability to punish viewers who fall asleep while watching it with hellish nightmares of holiday demons and laughing reindeer robots. This is bizarre from the get-go. It starts with a seemingly endless scene with Santa playing an organ while showcasing the variety of countries that the jolly old elf has apparently kidnapped children from to work in his sweatshop. For a moment, I thought I was watching a live-action film based on Disney's "It's a Small World," something I'm sure is on the horizon. Each group of children got to sing a little song that sounded like it could have come from the country they represent, and my favorite was when the American children did "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Seriously? That's the song that best represents America? It's not even a Christmas song! The next scene takes the viewer naturally to hell where the "King of Hades" lights a firecracker and leads a poorly-choreographed dance. Then it's back to Santa where we get a chance to see just how he knows if you've been sleeping or if you've been awake or if you've been bad or good. Apparently, he's got a big machine with giant lips, a telescope with an eyeball, and a satellite thing with a human ear attached. The surreal props and goofy sets show some creativity, but it also makes it obvious that the people who made this thing only had a rudimentary understanding of Santa Claus. I mean, there aren't even elves and his four reindeer are clunky robots. Speaking of those robots, at one point one of them laughs (he he he ha he ha ha ha ho he) and it might be the scariest thing I've heard in my entire life. Santa's almost nonstop maniacal laughter (nonstop except when the devil is trying to murder him) isn't much better though. There's just so much about this movie that is so awkward, and a lot about this movie that is downright unsettling. A pair of dream sequences--one with giant dancing dolls and one with a kid who opens up coffin-like presents containing his parents--are just weird, and almost every scene with Pitch gave me the chills. Of course, Pitch was a poorly-costumed red-painted demon, so I guess that was the desired effect. One of the scariest moments was when the little poor girl was having a repetitive conversation with the devil about stealing a doll. She must have said "No, I don't want to do evil" five or six times. The good characters, absent-minded Merlin and a magic-key-making blacksmith, are fun. Merlin's got this weird bouncing gait that makes Torgo's walk look normal, and the blacksmith has some hair glued to his chest to, I guess, make him look more blacksmithy. Nobody's going to mistake this for a Miracle on 34th Street or an It's a Wonderful Life, but this just might be my new favorite Christmas movie. Like those movies, you get to learn beautiful lessons like how "a dream is a wish that the heart makes" or how people on earth eat "even smoke and alcohol." Fun for the whole family unless some of your family members would rather not have Satan anywhere near their Christmas entertainment.

Capitalism: A Love Story

2009 left-wing propaganda

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 14/20)

Plot: Some tubby guy whines about how capitalism only works for people willing to take advantage of the system in evil ways at the expense of the people it won't work for.

I wept seven different times last week for a variety of reasons, and one of those times was during this movie.
Michael Moore manipulates, delivering his messages in cutesy ways and more often than not coming across like a snarky panda. That's what he is actually. He's Propaganda Panda, unprofessional even because he wears that baseball cap. But here, he's nothing but right, and this documentary is an often surprisingly moving experience. Capitalism has the devastation, hope, and humor present in Moore's best work. And there sure is a lot of information packed into this, enough that I could see somebody arguing that it's all unfocused and sloppy. But with the exception of some interviews with priests and some silly shots of cats flushing toilets, all of these parts are important in building the whole, and that whole is something that every American should probably see. And not just the filthy liberals who voted that socialist we've currently got in the White House either as Moore has made a movie for the demos in our democracy. Even if viewers aren't moved to do anything, they're getting a good story. There's good vs. evil and tons of plot twists. There's even a hint of a terrifying unhappy ending at the beginning of Moore's film when he juxtaposes shots from modern times with what looks to be a film strip about the fall of Rome. Solid stuff. Thanks, Propaganda Panda!

I tried to get Jen to write a guest review, and she refused. She did criticize Moore for wasting film time with gimmicks. She wanted more substance and less Propaganda Panda, I guess.