The Muppets Take Manhattan

1984 Muppet movie

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: fell asleep, but drowsily said 18/20 when asked; Dylan: 13/20; Emma: 16/20; Abbey: 18/20; Buster: 20/20)

Plot: Kermit and the gang, after the success of a musical production performed at their college, go to the titular borough to try to get the show on Broadway.

Why is more disturbing for me to imagine Kermit (a frog) engaging in coitus with a human female than with a porcine one? Or is it just disturbing that I'm thinking about that at all? Or is it just really disturbing that I have been kept awake at night thinking about it and can't stop myself? This isn't my favorite Muppet movie, but the voice work (50 Muppet characters voiced by 6 guys if my counting is correct) and puppet manipulation is always enough in any Muppet movie to make it worth the time. There's just something exhilarating about seeing these characters on the screen. Usually, it's a more-the-merrier situation, and the climactic big show/wedding scene at the end, with hundreds of Muppets including some recognizable faces from Sesame Street that got Buster excited brought out the giggles. Jen was just excited to see Muppet Babies, so excited that she fell asleep immediately after and started drooling all over the couch while sleep-singing the theme song from that cartoon. As expected, the movie's really funny although not all the gags are going to work. You get the feeling with some of the material that the writers half-expected some of the jokes to be flops though, and that adds to the fun. I also liked the songs in this one.

Here's a list of my favorite Muppets:

1) Dr. Teeth
2) Gonzo
3) Lew Zealand
4) Swedish Chef
5) Animal
6) Floyd, bass guitar
7) Waldorf
8) Statler
9) Zoot, sax player from the Electric Mayhem
10) Kermit
11) Crazy Harry
12) Beaker
13) Sam the Eagle
14) Bunsen
15) Fozzie
16) Janice, the Mayhem guitarist
17) Mahna Mahna
18) Rowlf
19) Rizzo the Rat
20) Beauregard
21) Camilla, Gonzo's chicken girlfriend
22) Scooter
23) Miss Piggy

Am I missing any notable Muppets?

The Cat

1992 sci-fi kitty movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A guy apparently named Wei Si Li but who my English subtitles called Wisely and who is played by an actor named Waise Lee gets involved with a couple of people and a cat who are trying to save the world from an alien. I guess.

Really weird science fiction movie from the director of Riki-Oh. This actually has a fight scene that bests anything in that splatterific kung-fu extravaganza--a fight between the titular feline and a mean dog. Seriously, that is something else, one of those scenes that you watch and think, "I can't believe I'm seeing this on my television screen!" I call this a weird movie, probably because I don't understand it, but there's not much that really stands out as being weirder than any other science fiction movie if you think about it. Somehow, however, all the parts add up to something that just ain't right. There's a really cool monster, the kind that only Asians can manufacture. There's also this Robocop-type figure, flying cats, and other hardcore shenanigans, and it all made very little sense to me. That didn't stop me from enjoying myself, more than I did when watching Riki-Oh at least. My favorite bits include the gelatinous tree monster thing, an electrocuted dog, a subtitle that read "I never knew a cat could fight to and so hard!", tail repair, and a scene where the cat jumps through a window and makes a perfect cat-shaped hole in the glass. I didn't think glass could break that way, but who am I to argue with The Cat or, as it's also apparently known, The 1,000 Year Cat. This was sadly director Ngai Choi Lam's final movie.

Save the Green Planet!

2003 Korean movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Some guy with some emotional problems kidnaps business executives because he believes they are aliens planning a takeover of the titular green planet. A private investigator and a young cop try to find the latest kidnapped rich guy and the culprit. Meanwhile, aliens might be preparing an invasion.

This movie took a little while to grab me. Once it did, I enjoyed its inventive style, quirkiness, and twists. It's the type of movie where you sort of think you know what's going on, and then you realize that you're not sure what's going on. Fun ride. It's got some blood and torture, but it's also got its fair share of black comedy. And there's a message in the mess about our violent culture, a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey, and a couple covers of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." I liked the guy who played the disgraced detective, a guy with enough cool he made me want to get my own brown leather jacket and lose some of my hair. The movie's plot might frustrate some because it's a little all over the place, and this shifts from one genre to the next in ways that may give you a wryneck. You've got a little romance, a tale of childhood trauma, the torture porn stuff, the comedy, a crime/mystery thing, a revenge story, and some science fiction shenanigans. At times, it's even fairly emotional. And there's a great scene where a guy shoots bees. Expect the unexpected when you dive into this unique movie.

Under the Rainbow

1981 movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: The nephew of a hotel owner is left to take care of the business for a weekend, and all hell breaks loose when a buttload of Munchkins, an assassin, royalty bodyguarded by Chevy Chase, and some Japanese tourist fill the place. Shenanigans!

Billy Barty was nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor. I'm not sure if any other little people have been nominated for that award. Barty really isn't bad. He makes a pretty sweet little Hitler, does two accents well in the movie, and disrobes Carrie Fisher with a cane sword. That's right. If you've ever wanted to see Carrie Fisher stripped by a little person, this is the movie for you. There's a ton of little person in this movie, and a ton of little person is a whole lot of little person. Most of the visual humor with them is really cheap although I did enjoy some kitchen mischief with a percussion ensemble. There's also a wild scene in the hotel lobby just filthy with little people swinging from chandeliers, dancing, and in the movie's best stunt, rolling down the stairs and then saying, "Heheh. I forgot my beer." Tony Cox is in this movie, and so is Phil Fondacaro who played the only Ewok to get a death scene in Return of the Jedi. Cork Hubbert plays the big little hero, and he's good enough to make me wonder why he didn't have more of a career. He's also handy with a  sword during a fight scene with Barty's character. My question--How can a movie with this many little people end up so boring? Is it Chevy Chase's fault? Is it the weak story? It probably has a lot to do with the humor, most which falls as flat as humor can fall. "Too much iron in his system" seems like something Raymond Chandler would have thrown away. A "pearl is in the river"/"pearl is in the liver" gag seemed endless. And there's your customary "Is that your gun?" hard-on joke which is doubly criminal because it makes you ponder Chevy Chase's genitalia. This wasn't close to the amount of fun it should have been and manages to be the type of thing that is only almost worth watching.

John Dies at the End

2012 horror comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A pair of slackers get involved with a drug called "soy sauce" which causes them to drift between two dimensions. They have to save their world from something named Korrok.

What a mess! It's almost a delightful mess, but it's unfortunately just a little too much. I applaud its creative spirit and unique vision. The story and director Don Coscarelli take chances, but the budget's neither tiny enough or large enough to make it work and this desire to be 21st Century and hip gets old after the first, mostly fresh, twenty minutes or so. A lot of me wants to just appreciate the craziness of all this--animated meat that seem straight from Jan Svankmajer, a dog driving a truck, insects that would make Cronenberg giggle, exploding Robert Marleys, a creepster who'd be right at home in a David Lynch movie putting some giant insect thing down a guy's shirt, a punk song about a "Camel Holocaust," bare-breasted people from another dimension, and Paul Giamatti. The movie seems to get more coherent as it goes, but when you really think about it, it's just a movie that is pretending to be coherent and not doing a very good job at it. It also gets more and more frustrating as it goes, building to something that is so poorly realized with computer effects that you end up caring about what happens less than you care about the characters. And you didn't really care about any of that unlikable lot anyway with the exception of a dog. There's enough here to probably make this a cult classic, but I can't think of any reason why I would watch it again. Cool poster though.

Seven Psychopaths

2012 black comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A screenwriter wrestling with a story is dragged into gangster shenanigans after a dog is stolen.

Wow. I watched this a long, long time ago. It's a mess of storytelling, but the characters are a lot of fun, and just like director Martin McDonagh's In Bruges, this feels really fresh. The thing just sparkles, mostly because the characters, though not especially well written, are unique and played perfectly by a who's who of cool, including a so-brief-you-might-miss-'em random appearance by Crispin Glover. Ferrell's the likable straight man stumbling around in the comedic darkness, and it's almost like his character is forced into the situation he's in by giggling gods. The ubiquitous Sam Rockwell shines, his comic timing and mannerisms nearly perfect. He's hilarious. Tom Waits gets to hold a rabbit and shoot people, and it looks like he's having a blast. Woody Harrelson's as funny as he gets, and he can get funny. Love his line "Peace is for queers, and now you're gonna die" in this. Harry Dean Stanton can steal a scene when he's doing nothing but standing around, and he does a great job of standing around in his limited scenes. And then there's the always-fascinating Christopher Walken who is maybe the best I've ever seen him. You just hang on his every word in this. And I love when he shoots somebody and makes the sound effect. Almost enough cool to make the entire movie explode. There's even a Townes Van Zandt song. The ultra-violence will turn off some, and the twisty plot that kind of changes tone about midway through might be a little too much for others. Rockwell's character says, "You're the one who thought psychopaths were so interesting. They get kind of tiresome after a while, don't you think?" at one point, and if somebody told me that they got tired of these psychopaths after a while, I could understand it. I thought the thing was a blast though and would definitely watch it again.

Quigley

2003 movie

Rating: 2/20 (Abbey: 12/20)

Plot: A mean businessman who owns a CD-ROM company in 2003 dies but is sent back to earth as a dog to do good things so that he can get into heaven.

You're probably going to think that I'm making this movie up in some desperate attempt to hit my 365 movie mark for the year. In fact, you're probably wondering to yourself why I spent the time making that poster up there instead of just watching and writing about a damn movie. That does look like a movie poster that I could throw together using Photoshop, doesn't it? The menu screen for this dvd (yes, this movie does exist) was just as crappy looking, and the title sequence looked like the director William Byron Hillman--a guy who does not deserve to be called by three names like that--must have told his niece, "Here's some paper and crayons. Draw me some pictures of dogs to use for the beginning of my movie." Hillman hasn't directed a movie since this one. He directed a movie about a miniature horse called The Adventures of Ragtime which is currently at a 3.8 on imdb.com, an action picture about a kickboxer saving his girlfriend called Ragin' Cajun which sits at a 4.0, Double Exposure which is rated a lofty 4.7, the even better (apparently) comedy The Man from Clover Grove which is a 4.9, and The Photographer from 1974 which is a 6.8. Quigley's at 2.4, and since the movies I just listed are in reverse order from his filmography, we can only assume that Hillman's movies are getting worse. I can't imagine a movie being worse than this movie that rips off the far-superior Shaggy Dog movies (Note: "Far-superior Shaggy Dog movies" is something I never imagined typing.) or any of the other bad-people-turning-into-animals movies, and that might be why Hollywood hasn't given him another shot.

This is all about Gary Busey. Gary Busey nearly died in a motorcycle accident in 1988. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and I imagine that had a lot to do with what is happening with him in this movie. Helmet advocates should use this entire movie as a way to get motorcyclists to wear helmets when they ride actually. Gary Busey talks about his accident in an interview I watched in the dvd special features. You can watch the interview on Youtube right here, and you should because it's one of the most beautiful things you'll see in your entire life. He talks about this movie, his near-death accident, and getting "cancer in me face." That's not a typo. He actually turns into a pirate and says "me face." And if you like to read stuff, here's an article about how Busey was sort of ticked off because the makers of this film got heaven all wrong. There were some angels, a couch, and a mirror. Busey argued that there were no mirrors in heaven.

Seriously, readers. If you're riding a motorcycle, please wear a helmet.

Anyway, congratulations Gary Busey because you just won yourself a Torgo Award. I'm sorry if that ruins the suspense for any of you waiting for my end-of-year blog awards blog post, but I couldn't help myself. I was afraid that once he turned into a dog, he wouldn't be in the movie. Thankfully, another bad actor (Oz Perkins) plays his guardian angel, and whenever Perkins is in the scene with the dog, it's Gary Busey kind-of acting like a dog. And it's so brilliant! This film inflicts quite a bit of pain on the viewer, but it's worth it to hear Gary Busey say such great lines like, "I hurt my leg. . .lifting my leg to pee. It's not easy being a dog." And Busey's response to a hug from Oz Perkins? Friends, this twitching limp-armed thing he does is real acting. There's also a scene where he talks about shaking himself dry before giving a demonstration. But the very best Gary Busey moment in this movie is when he says the bewildering line "I'd have a better time cleaning a short person's teeth" while scratching himself. I thought that maybe "cleaning a short person's teeth" was some idiom that I'd just never heard, and decided to Google it. "Cleaning a short person's teeth" only gave me six results, all of them about this movie. So what the hell happened to bring us the magic of "cleaning a short person's teeth" in Quigley? Was it written? Was it an example of what happens when you let guys who died after traumatic head injuries improvise lines? I've emailed the director, so maybe I'll find out soon enough.

There's a lot to love about this terrible movie. A stereotypical German janitor who actually says, "Doggy, where are your papers?" That's P.J. Ochlan who, in a movie where he's not overshadowed by what Gary Busey is doing, could have been in consideration for the Torgo Award. A dogcatcher with a skunk played by Kieran Mulroney (he's listed as "Dog Catcher Wally Sprigs" in the cast overview) is equally awful. There are some details that prove the writer of this (Hillman again) is likely some kind of Luddite or at least not very tech-literate. There's the whole CD-ROM company thing which made me wonder if this movie was actually made in the 80s, but making it worse is that Busey's company only had one copy of the CD-ROM. And later, Busey's brother, an amateur game-maker, screams, "He's got my game! Those are my only copies!" That game, by the way, was great. It involved skipping stones and a surprise party, and I'm pretty sure I played something with better graphics on the Atari 2600 when I was 10. The overacting kids love it though. Speaking of the kids, there's a scene where the dog saves the little girl's life that completely defies logic and has to be seen to be believed. And then there's another scene where the dog saves the girl's life. Actually, it's a looking-for-a-lost-little-girl montage, and the "Give Me One More Chance. . .Let Me Change My Fate" song that plays through it is probably the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. Notice that I didn't say "worst song in a movie" or anything like that. I mean it was probably the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

I'll say this about Quigley: One of the biggest laughs I've had all year while watching movies came near the end of this, a scene that I reckon was supposed to be sad but wasn't because one of the kids had to say, "Yeah, now we've lost two doggies."

The Artist

2011 silent movie

Rating: 17/20 (Jen: 18/20)

Plot: A silent film stud named George Valentin isn't ready to embrace the newest cinematic fad--talkies. That which kills his career only makes the career of Peppy Miller, the gal whose career took off because of George, stronger until she's one of the most popular screen stars of all. George gets all mopey.

This pair were funny in this movie that I wrote about previously, one that had a lot more color and talking. I'm not the least embarrassed that I spent most of that write-up talking about how I'd probably enjoy having sexual relations with Berenice Bejo. Now it appears that her star is on the rise and the chances that we'll hook up are slimming. And forget about Jean Dujardin who won Best Actor because I'd have even less of a shot with him. Man, they're good in this. Dujardin doesn't surprise me. He was charismatic and hilarious in the spy spoof, and I was excited when I heard that he was the star of this thing. He did a lot with his face and movement in that movie anyway, and he's classically good looking and really fits as this Douglas Fairbanks type. And anybody who knows me knows that I like silent movies. What you might not know is that I only like silent movies because I like the look of the women. Bejo's got that look, leading with her eyes and pouting, completely impossible to ignore. Shane-movies favorites John Goodman, Malcolm McDowell, and James Cromwell are also in the mix though I didn't recognize McDowell until after the fact. It was interesting to watch this so soon after Singin' in the Rain since there are some plot parallels. This stays true to silent movies--the actors fill the screen, there's just the right amount of melodrama, the effects used seem straight from 1927. It's a respectful homage rather than a gimmick although this story wouldn't have gotten nearly this much attention if it was filmed more conventionally. Of course, nobody in America would have seen it because it would have been in French. Speaking of language, do you think Berenice Bejo would have a problem with me being able to say nothing more than "I am a windshield wiper" in French? This was a delightful little movie, the kind that can make a grumpy curmudgeon like me smile a little bit more.

Lady and the Tramp

1955 dog cartoon

Rating: 14/20 (Buster: 20/20)

Plot: A brown dog from a well-to-do neighborhood and a gray dog from the wrong side of the tracks meet and go on a date where they eat Italian food. Lucky for the streetwise gray dog, Lady's the type willing to put out on the first date. He spends the rest of the movie telling his pals, all representing a different racial stereotype, about how he "hit that."

How many perverts do you think walked into the theater to see this back in '55 because they thought it was going to be a movie about a couple lesbians?

This works as a love story. It doesn't work as a comedy. It is animated very well; I really like how all the animals--dogs, giraffes, the same beaver who's "not in the book" from the Winnie the Pooh movie, the other dogs--move around in this one. When this is focused just on the talking animals, this isn't too bad although it is a little boring. The humans get in the way a bit though. But this has to be Disney's most racist movie. Imagine the squirming that would take place if you watched this as part of a racial-diverse audience. It's also maybe Disney's most sexually-suggestive movie. It's all concealed from the kiddies, of course, but adults know exactly what's going down, from the scene where the other mutts are chasing down Lady because she's in heat to the pretty shot of the dogs silhouetted in front of a full moon where Tramp's about to get some. Doggy style. (Sorry, regular readers. I had to throw that in to lure more Googlers here.) This is a sweet enough little cartoon with far too many distractions. It's never been one I cared that much about.

The most famous scene in this movie, the one where the dogs eat spaghetti, reminds me of my date with Elizabeth in high school. There was a fat stereotypical Italian, and we both reached for the same spaghetti noodle with our mouths because this was a really cheap restaurant and they had run out of silverware. In the movie, the dogs [SPOILER ALERT] kiss. I just kept chewing and didn't realize my mistake until it was too late. Elizabeth had to have reconstructive surgery, and we never had a second date. I did not, if you're keeping score at home, hit that.

None of that is true, by the way. You know, in case you're keeping score at home. There was a girl named Elizabeth, but we never shared spaghetti. I also never even came close to chewing apart her face.

Disney movies, for whatever reason, bring out my raunchiness more than any other type of movie. (It's why The Little Mermaid is my most frequently visited blog post.) I wonder why that is. Should I talk to a psychologist about it?

Monster Dog

1984 werewolf movie

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Vince Raven returns to his childhood home to record a rock 'n' roll video with his entourage. Monster dogs happen!

Well, I couldn't pass up an Italian horror movie with a very-badly-dubbed Alice Cooper. The monster dog action is bookended with a pretty bitchin' song where Cooper rhymes "Billy the Kid" with "Jack the Rip-per" which, while at the time, I thought was pretty silly is something that I now realize is pure genius. I was really thrown off every time the characters called their van a camper. It must be an Italian thing. The dubbing is terrible in this. It has this weird cadence but perfectly matches the actors' lips, so it must be their actual off-rhythm. At one point, I wondered if the dubbing was making this movie worse than it actually was, but then I remembered what the monster dog looked like. Yeah, it's kind of like how it looks on the poster. There's also a random bloody guy running around who delivers these ominous but vague and ultimately befuddling threats on behalf of the monster dog. I laughed during a scene where he wonders off after talking to Vince Raven and his pals and shakes the bushes a little before Vince casually says, "The dogs must have attacked him." I also liked these giggling werewolf hunters, one who says, "I'm going to shoot him through the heart. . .with this silver bullet. . .that's how you kill werewolves." But that's not my favorite line. No, that would be the excited "Wow whee!" a guy yelps after spotting a tray of sandwiches. Warren Zevon is also in this movie and plays a character who is made sick to his stomach by queers and eventually gets it when he somehow manages to catch himself on fire. One thing I really have come to appreciate in movies is artwork created for the film, and this has a couple good ones:

I've got no clue what's going on in this last one, but if I saw that hanging on the wall of somebody's house, I'd either leave or ask to move in. Or look out for a monster dog!

How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog

2000 comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: An impotent and misanthropic playwright hasn't had a stage hit in a decade. And that's not his only problem. His wife is pressuring him to knock her up, the neighbors have an obnoxious dog, and his new eight-year-old neighbor won't leave him alone. Oh, and he has a stalker. It's enough to make a guy as moody as Hamlet.

I had my doubts about the comedic stylings of Kenneth Branagh, but he's got a nice character to play with here. And really, all he needs to do to pull off surly and misanthropic is have an accent. The character is the type of character that I usually like, but the movie meandered a little too much, and there were a couple-few scenes where Peter went from likably mean to just plain mean. The little girl (Suzi Hofrichter) was fine, but her character was a little too much like an eight-year-old girl to actually be likable. Far from the documentary on how to kill dogs that I thought this would be, it was an almost-funny way to pass some time but nothing I'm going to remember seeing in a week.

My Dog Tulip

2009 dog porn cartoon

Rating: 12/20

Plot: And old guy talks endlessly about his dog and his attempts to get said dog laid.

Lots and lots of animated dog sex here, so what's not to like? I expected to like this one, and I did kind of like the animation style. At times, it would appear unfinished, and the simple backgrounds and sketchy feel actually did enhance the story. And I suppose if I really dug deep, the tale of the lonely old man (voiced by Christopher Plummer who really seems to get a kick out of the amount of times he gets to say "bitch" throughout this thing) and his best friend (a bitch) is touching without being overly sentimental and clobbering you on the head with how touching it is. But it's just so boring, a ninety minute movie that felt like it was nine hours long. Plummer's narration is constant and grew tiresome pretty quickly, and I just couldn't find enough reason to care about every little minutia of the man/dog relationship. If you really really like dogs, there's all kinds of allusions to Tulip's genitals that will likely turn your crank (so to speak), but I don't think this is the type of thing that would interest anybody else. Well, I take that back. It might be interesting to people who really really like lonely old men. Bland.

Day of the Wacko

2002 Polish character study

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Exactly as advertised, this is one day in the life of a obsessive-compulsive teacher who doesn't get along with the rest of the world. All he really wants to do is write a poem, but his underwear is irritating his crotch, the woman upstairs is practicing her karate, and a dog is pooping underneath his window.

It's the little things that make this movie very funny. Not that you really want to laugh all that much because the protagonist's life is about as sad as a movie life can possibly be. But there's something funny about watching this guy do everything in sevens or tug at the crotch of his pants before sitting down or take a crap in a neighbor's yard or complain to his mother about his students or confront his enemies or maneuver through a mine-field of dog doo-doo or whatever he's doing. This is one of those movies that goes nowhere. It has a little bit to say about the Golden Rule maybe, or more accurately about the dangers of making yourself some Golden Rule martyr, but there's not much story here. Instead, this is the sort of movie that really digs into a character, probably deeper than most people really want to even go, investigating the minutia of the guy's existence. It's almost more of a biopsy than it is a film. You feel sorry for the guy while not really liking him and laughing at him rather than with him, and there's not really a point in the movie where you feel optimistic about the poor guy's future. Ultimately, I did end up liking and maybe even identifying with the guy. I do wonder if there's anything I'm missing by not being Polish person, and I'm pretty sure some of the subtitles were either untranslatable Polish idioms or just plain wrong. Those who like their comedy dry and miserable might like this; a lot of viewers will like it about as much as they like polka music though.

Greenberg

2010 comedy

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: The titular New York carpenter ends stint at a mental institution and agrees to house sit for his brother in Los Angeles while the brother's away. He reconnects with a few old friends and an ex-lover and meets his brother's family's assistant, a 20-something year old named Florence. Life, however, is not very easy for Roger Greenberg. He works on a doghouse for his brother's family and tries very hard to know nothing else at all.

I've always liked Ben Stiller even without really liking any movies that he's really known for. Maybe it's because I know he's eventually going to get older and look like Jerry Stiller, a guy whose appearance alone can make me laugh. Then, Future Ben Stiller makes me laugh and leaves me with a good overall impression of Present Ben Stiller. I also really like Noah Baumbach and his particular brand of understated comedies that emphasize all those little awkward characteristics that might not make much of a real difference but that help define who we are as humans. The oft-kitschy soundtrack (LCD Soundsystem's James Murphy), the philosophical focus on minutia, and the life-damaged protagonist that Stiller plays recalled Paul Thomas Anderson's hugely-underrated Punch-Drunk Love. Some will gripe that the characters, especially Stiller's, just don't communicate or respond to life like real people would, but I like how written it all is. While we can definitely understand the rather serious problems Roger's got, they're treated comically, and Stiller's performance helps make a very unlikable fellow somebody who we want to spend the time with and root for. Baumbach's self-referential with his screenplay, bringing back dialogue snippets that seemed pointless, and he's really good here with revealing just enough. I like these sort of in medias res character studies where you aren't given a complete portrait of the character's past (or even future, by the end of the movie) but are given enough to put some pieces together on your own. And it's all pretty funny and, ultimately, even a little touching, too. This isn't the type of comedic character study that will appeal to everybody, but I wouldn't imagine fans of Noah Baumbach would have any reason to be disappointed.

I've also decided to start wearing my hair like Ben Stilller's Greenberg does. I think that's the type of hair I should have.

Samurai Jack

2003 television cartoon movie

Rating: 16/20 (Abbey: 18/20)

Plot: An evil, polymorphous sorcerer named Aku takes over the world. A child is sent far away from the villain to be trained as a samurai for the sole purpose of returning some day to bring order back to the world. And with his magic sword, he's nearly successful until Aku opens a portal and sends him to the future where he is dubbed Samurai Jack. The future's not bright as Aku rules and robots run rampant. Jack has to search for a way to get back to the past so that he can defeat Aku and save the world. Watch out!

Abbey picked this out, and I'm always in the mood for a little Samurai Jack action. This "movie" is really the first three episodes that set up the rest of the series. It's in three parts, and the three parts have the samurai cinema homages, the playful humor, and the fantastic action sequences that make the show one of my favorites. In part one, we meet Aku and have an montage where our young hero is being trained in different martial arts and other skills. In the second, he's flung to the future, so we get that science fiction twist on the samurai story. And some funny talking dogs. And in the third, we get a brilliant battle between the protagonist and a bunch of robot spiders. Consistently creative with artful fight scenes, a hodgepodge of eccentric characters, superb music, and simple but wonderful animation by Clone Wars guy Genndy Tartakovsky, the series is addictive and epic. And this movie kicks things off great. Tartakovsky seems to be influenced by the same exact stuff I love (samurai movies, Star Wars, Alice in Wonderland, spaghetti westerns) and the creative "camera angles," ever-changing assortments of sceneries, and the use of split screen during the action scenes keep things fresh. Watching Samurai Jack kick ass is all fine and dandy, but the humor injected into the storylines and the quiet moments are really what makes this all special. I love the use of sound effects, too. But those fight scenes! Like the rest of the series, you have violence in this that would make it completely inappropriate for children if the victims were human. You'd have limbs all over the place! But other than Jack getting scratched and bruised occasionally (and he isn't the type of hero who is completely invincible) and Aku who is just a black shape that sort of tears, the antagonists being cut down are machines. Robots don't bleed. Well, unless you count oil. And if you do and are disgusted by a little oil in your cartoons, the climax of the robot spider fight scene probably isn't for you as it makes the House of Blue Leaves scene in Kill Bill look like the violence in your typical Tom and Jerry cartoon. Actually, now that I think about it, those Tom and Jerry cartoons were exceptionally violent. Out of all the things I love, Samurai Jack is the one that makes me feel most geeky. But I'm not ashamed to admit that the news about an upcoming theatrically released Samurai Jack movie to finish off the story made me clap my hands and giggle and proclaim that I would probably dress up as a character to see it opening night. Samurai Jack makes me feel like a kid again, likely because I still rock the Samurai Jack pajamas (with the feet) when I want to have a more exciting night of sleep. And this kid, if his mother would let him, would call the premiere movie bitchin'.

Of Mice and Men

1939 movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A big doofus named George and a guy named George who only sort of looks like Gary Sinese flee from one job to the next, presumably because Lenny keeps accidentally squishing bunnies. They migrate from job to job with the secret dream of somebody owning their own place and working for themselves. They run into problems with their employer's mean son and flirtatious and really bored daughter-in-law.

I'm not sure if I prefer this one or the Sinese/Malkovich take. The remake is truer to the source material while actually managing to be the rare film that is better than the book. This version is fairly true to the source material, but it's not as good as the Steinbeck novel. The changes that are made (especially the tacked-on ending) add nothing. The performances are really good. Lon Chaney Jr. is a great Lenny; Burgess Meredith is also good but has that 1930s wide-eyed, excitable thing going that at times makes him seem as mentally challenged as his big buddy. I really liked Roman Bohnen as Candy, and the scene with his character's dog is really well done and touching. The story by Steinbeck, America's greatest writer, deserves simple and quiet direction, and for the most part, that's what this 30's movie (surprisingly) gives it. Although simple, the story and its characters do allow for a little wiggle room for the viewer, and I liked some of the ambiguities with George's character near the end of the movie. I haven't seen the Sinesely-directed version since it came out. I'm going to have to check that one out again.

Note: I kicked a horse in the head this afternoon. I think that might be ironic, but I don't know what the word ironic means.

The Boogens

1981 silliness

Rating: 5/20

Plot: Four guys reopen an abandoned mine and unleash the titular monster. The Boogens. Maybe it's monsters instead of just a lone monster actually. I'd probably be able to figure it out if somebody told the story a little better.

Rarely do I want to penalize a movie for its title, but this movie is called The Boogens. That might have worked if this was a horror-comedy or a horror spoof or something like that, but it's not. It's a straight monster-on-the-loose movie with only a bit of the dated humor that 80's horror filmsters would inject into the story. It's also got several of those "ha ha just kidding" moments where the bad synthesizer music and timid characters lead you to believe that something scary is about to happen (you know, like The Boogens or A Boogen jumping out of a closet and doing whatever Boogens do) but then it's just like an old guy who isn't scary at all and you say, "Ah, director of The Boogens! You got me!" while you secretly wish you were watching something else. This is a cheapo production, but the main problem is with the unlikable characters, poor storytelling, and a complete lack of style. Unless tedious shots of characters descending into basements or mine shafts is stylish. You get two kinds of shots in The Boogens--lots of quick zooms and a wobbly, nauseating Boogens-cam. But the makers of the film sure make you wait a long time to see the monster itself. You wait so long that you just think you're going to get a cool monster. That's only if you completely forget that you're watching The Boogens though because everybody knows that nothing is allowed to be cool in The Boogens. Except the dog maybe. The dog spends most of the movie trying to leave the movie, and he impressively out-acts the humans with every bark.

Babies

2010 documentary

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 20/20; Dylan: 4/20; Emma: 18/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: A seemingly endless juxtaposition of home video footage of babies from Nambia, Japan, Mongolia, and America during the first year of their lives.

A baby who isn't yours is nothing more than an obnoxious flabby burdensome stupid thing who, according to my father, looks like a shrunken Winston Churchill. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure I would want to watch ninety minutes of home videos featuring my own children as babies, let alone these babies I've got no connection with at all. Purportedly, this is all about how different cultures raise their children, but there's very little focus, just pointless and annoyingly precious scenes strung together haphazardly and given a title that a baby might have been able to come up with. And despite the cultural differences, some subtle and some extreme, we all know that it's all going to end the same with the annoying babies eventually becoming dangerous adults. So even though it's all shot very well, it's really as pointless and trite as documentary filmmaking gets. I would rather change a crappy diaper than watch this one again, but it's the exact sort of thing that some people would find delightful. For whatever reason, I want to blame Oprah for this.

Alice in Wonderland

2010 movie

Rating: 13/20 (Jen: 16/20; Abbey: 15/20)

Plot: Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. Alice, now a young woman who isn't too happy about the pressures she's feeling to marry a goofy redheaded guy, returns to Wonderland and is told that she's the chosen one and will have to slay something called a Jabberwocky with a vorpal blade that goes snicker-snack. She gets help from an assortment of odd characters (a disappearing kitty, a mad hatter, a dormouse, tubby twins, a stoned caterpillar) who she should remember but doesn't. Meanwhile, Wonderland's completely gone to hell with the Red Queen making everybody's life miserable. As the frabjous day approaches, Alice is needed more and more, but she first needs to be convinced that she's the right Alice and get back to her normal size.

Maybe I should have seen this in 3-D. Maybe I should just see everything in 3-D actually. I did really like the look of Tim Burton's Wonderland, as artificial and computer-generated as it was. Even without 3-D, there was a depth to the setting with endless swirling grays in the sky, gnarled trees, cartoonish mushrooms. The computer-animated creatures--the White Rabbit, the Caterpillar, the Cheshire Cat, et. al--were very well done, even when being ridden on. In fact, the special effects were great all around, working to keep things visually interesting even if they weren't anywhere near realistic. Unfortunately, I don't think Tim Burton adds anything of real value to the Wonderland canon. The dialogue, the characters, and the goings-on seem a bit rehashed, and the story never feels fully realized to me, just an excuse to throw some trippy visuals and nifty special effects on the screen. I really wish there would have been more playfulness in the dialogue. A lot of the whimsy and fun of the Disney cartoon and Lewis Carroll's novels is from the wordplay, and that's pushed aside to focus on a bunch of jerky action sequences and the aforementioned imagery. From the halfway point on, I lost interest more and more. I didn't like Alice very much, not even enough to look up the name of the gal who played her, but Johnny Depp does his usual fine job and Crispin Glover's also got a major part. There's a lot to like in Burton's Wonderland, but it suffers from the same problems as most of his movies, especially the remakes--it's just too much and almost disrespects the originals.

I can't believe I missed the opportunity to see Crispin Glover in 3-D, by the way.

Best in Show

2000 mockumentary

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Eccentric show dog owners travel to compete at the Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show.

This is a really funny movie until Fred Willard pops in. Then, it gets side-splintingly hilarious! It seems like a lot of these mockumentary subjects are about things I'd never watch a real documentary about. I have no interest at all in dog shows. But I still really liked how Best in Show played the dog show part so straightly. The actors play their roles as comic caricatures, not believable in the least, but the dog show itself, other than Willard's hilarious non sequiturs and dada commentary as an unqualified announcer, isn't played for laughs much at all unless their actions/words just add a bit to the previously established quirky character traits. I think that makes the "umentary" part of this a lot more realistic. The "mock" part, as you'd expect from a Christopher Guest joint with this ensemble cast, is great. There's not a lot instantly quotable here, nothing truly classic, but all the subtle pokes and tickles add up to a great time. A lot of the funny is nonsense, verbal slapstick and easygoing visual silliness, but there's some nice subtle satire in there, too. Guest is the type of comedic writer (though a lot of this has an improvisational feel) who understands how flawed, miserable, and disturbing human beings are but who also knows that's what makes them kinda funny. I'm not sure how much the presence of these beautiful and classy doggies helps these sore thumbs of humanity stick out, but that might have something to do with it. This may have gotten a bonus point for poor ventriloquism. And in case I didn't make myself clear, everything Fred Willard says in this is hilarious.