2011 dog movie
Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Josh: 4/5; Fred: 4/5)
Rating: 2/20
Plot: A dog looks for love and eventually settles for a woman who's had no luck with romance lately, probably because she likes the color green too much.
This was the worst movie that I saw during a weekend in which I saw Cool Cat Saves the Kids. That should tell anybody who has seen Cool Cat Saves the Kids everything he or she needs to know.
Something's been bothering me since I saw this travesty. There's a composer named in the opening credits. However, the movie has absolutely no score. Prince the dog kind of sings some improvised little ditties, but I don't think those are "composed" exactly. So why is there a composer credited?
This movie's currently sitting at a perfect 10/10 on IMDb. It's one of those bits of insanity like the webpage with that Japanese guy putting pancakes and things on his rabbit's head that makes the Internet such a wonderful place.
It didn't take me long to ask, "Is this the worst movie I've ever seen?" My 2/20 rating would indicate that there are worse. The experience with this one was almost otherworldly though. I spent the first minute or so troubleshooting, thinking that I had accidentally turned my volume off or something. And then when the dog talked, I realized that opening the movie with no sound at all was the stylistic choice that director Fen Tian wanted. There aren't sound effects much either except when a lady trying on a dress farts early on, another indicator that you're watching a special kind of movie. And I'll tell you what--the whole thing works. At least if "works" has some kind of meaning that means the opposite of what it normally does. Because no, the lack of sound and music in this clearly does not work. Combined with maybe the worst pacing I've ever seen in storytelling, this is a movie that almost makes you forget how to watch a movie. You have to sort of learn how to watch Love on a Leash as you go, and it's a weird experience.
The movie's got itself a weird plot anyway. We're thrown into the protagonist's situation en media res, not having any idea if he's always been a wisecracking dog or if he's been transformed into a dog by a witch or if all the shots of ducks Fen Tian gives us have anything to do with anything. It turns out that they do because the pond they are scooting around in is a magical talking pond that is trying to teach the dog a lesson.
The ducks could make this an interesting yet likely deadly drinking game, by the way.
Now my gut tells me that Fen Tian is trying to teach us all a lesson about love and redemption here. Josh disagreed and thought this whole thing was just an attempt at pointless entertainment. He's probably right actually.
Aneese Khamo plays Prince. Well, he's obviously not playing the dog. A dog is playing the dog. Khamo is playing the man version of Prince. I'm not sure if he's doing the voice of the dog when he's a dog or not, but it didn't sound like the same guy. Whoever voices the dog was obviously being shown the movie and just told to make up lines that the dog might say. Some of them make a little bit of sense; most of them don't make any sense at all. If it's Khamo doing both the voice work and the trying-to-act-like-an-actual-human-being part, this is one terrifically bad performance. Jana Camp isn't nearly as bad as his love interest Lisa (though IMDb says the character's name was Jana), but she's still bad enough. They're given a terrible script, and the montage-heavy and plot-hole-stuffed narrative doesn't help them become real characters in a real story.
This might all sound like a bad family movie, but with some more adult references, a suicide attempt, and a kinky photo session where the human version of Prince is actually put in a leash, I don't think it is. I can't imagine any child actually enjoying this anyway. I can't imagine any adult enjoying it either. A person who is sort of into bestiality but only wants to be teased by promises of bestiality without really getting any money shots might enjoy it. Maybe that's the audience.
What the hell is with all the green in Lisa/Jana's apartment? Somebody's going to have to help me out with that one.
You know what wasn't so bad in this? The dog! That was a solid animal performance.
Things that especially baffled me: The simultaneous lifting of forks in a dinner scene--four characters in a shot putting forks to mouths at the exact same time. And it happened twice! Most of the dog's lines. A great scene where we get to see him transform from man to dog, dangerously as Lisa's friend is in the room. The special effect involves shoving a tail down the back of his pants. All of those fucking ducks! How Lisa still had her job after she was fired and then quit following a sequence where her boss tried to rape her. Why I'm thinking about stuff like that last one instead of doing something better with my life. That's probably most baffling of all. No, the confusing ending complete with really bad wigs was likely the most baffling thing of all.
Anyway, if you love a dose of magical realism and doggy style erotica in your romantic comedies, you can't go wrong with Love on a Leash.
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