Cool Cat Saves the Kids

2015 anti-bullying propaganda

Rating: 2/20

Plot: An orange cat tries to take down a bully in his down time from crashing Hollywood parades.

The poster proclaims at the bottom that this is "cooler than Barney the Dinosaur!" I thought it was just at the bottom of one image, but it's on all of them, right there with Cool Cat, Cool Cat's creator Derek Savage, a little girl, Vivica A. Fox, and Erik Estrada. I'm not sure if Barney's people even got close to having Vivica A. Fox or Erik Estrada on the program, so maybe Cool Cat really is cooler.

Nothing I write about this is going to seem all that coherent, so I'll make one of those lists that my wife appreciates. This is based on some notes that I took because I'm the type of person who is going to jot down some notes while watching Cool Cat Saves the Kids. I'm surprised I have friends or a family.

1) The dance-y opener certainly has a lot of energy. I won't doubt Cool Cat's dancing prowess, but I am a little confused about why Cool Cat is listed as an executive producer.

2) I'm more confused about the relationship between Cool Cat and Derek Savage. Are they a couple? Did he just call him daddy? How does one human man spawn an overly enthusiastic cat mascot anyway?

3) There's something both endearing and irritating about the way Cool Cat screams every single one of his lines with all of these weird pauses. I'm not sure the person voicing Cool Cat (not in the credits, by the way, because we wouldn't want to kill any of the magic) knows how to read.

4) Butch the Bully. You know he's going to be a problem by the way he says "Dagnabbit." Butch is played by Connor Dean, and it looks like he might become my favorite actor by the end of this movie.

5) I should have played a drinking game--a shot each time Cool Cat says "_______ has a saying. . ." It's a go-to line in this screenplay. "Screenplay," I mean.

6) At the 13:45 mark, Cool Cat has fallen to the ground, and his leg starts shaking. This is the kind of thing that starts religions! Or cults.

7) Cool Cat screams, "Exquisite!" and I pee a little.

8) Well, that answers my earlier question. Derek Savage (or his "Daddy Derek" character) is married to a female cat mascot. I don't even know what to say.

9) Cool Cat can't surf the web without musical accompaniment. The "Surfin' Superstar" musical number was something. 

10) Holy hell! That nightmare sequence! That was, dare I say it, almost Lynchian. 

11) 19:34: shaking again. Are these seizures? 

12) I believe there are continuity errors with Cool Cats shirt. That seems like a situation where a t-shirt continuity error would be more difficult to pull off than not having a continuity error. I mean, you have to change a t-shirt on a mascot. I've changed clothes on dolls before. It's not easy. A mascot is like a big doll. 

13) Derek Savage locks his car for safety purposes, but he doesn't roll up the windows. My God, I love this movie! 

14) I also love Cool Cat's gait. While hiking in the mountains last summer with my family, I developed a half-walk/half-skip style of walk that annoyed everybody in my family. Cool Cat's walk reminds me of that and has inspired me to walk like that even when I'm not hiking. 

15) Cool Cat's funhouse--I'm intrigued but very concerned about a disappearing dog walker. 

16) Hollywood Parade! Mom's response: What are you talking about? Mom's just don't get it, man. They just don't. 

17) "Eeeeee!" Whatever you think about Cool Cat, nobody can deny that the guy knows how to get excited. 

18) Cool Cat just made a listening motion where he held his hand up to where his human ear would be, about a foot below where his cat head's ear is. It's the little details, Derek Savage. 

19) Shit, Cool Cat just broke the 4th wall. . .and my fucking mind! 

20) "Mama went to the beauty parlor with Vivica A. Fox." Maybe Vivica A. Fox isn't actually in this movie at all. Maybe she just agreed to be on the poster and have her name used. 

21) "How could I forget about boogie woogie?" This song might be stuck in my mind for years. Who's singing though? Cool Cat? Is he singing about himself? Are these Spanish lyrics I'm hearing or is my mind still broken from when Cool Cat broke the 4th wall? 

22) Wait a second. I think this song is awkwardly squeezed into this movie just so Derek Savage can show the world that he has a guitar signed by Van Halen. 

23) Oh, God. Now he's rapping. And he's setting the genre back about 30 years. This might be the worst song I've ever heard in a movie. 

24) "I bet the kids will boogie to that song!" Moms. 

25) "There's no ghost here." This was Derek Savage's attempt to cleverly reference Ghostbusters. That would be a swing and a miss. 

26) At a Hollywood car show, there's a Herbie spotting. And others. I'm surprised Ready Player One fans haven't creamed all over this movie. 

27) This red carpet footage and the endless (and slightly apocalyptic) parade footage feels like guerrilla filmmaking. It seems like they're crashing this parade and filming without permission. 

28) Erik Estrada is the parade emcee. He might have thought that was the peak of his career, but wait until he gets to drink lemonade in this movie with Vivica A. Fox. 

29) "I bet you will, you fine-looking kitty cat, you." --Derek Savage to his cat wife. I don't usually get nauseous when watching a kid's movie, but that line got me there. 

30) Vivica and Estrada drinking lemonade. A belch! And Erik Estrada's reaction shows that we are dealing with professionals here. 

31) "Hey, who's that kid?" --Erik Estrada's reaction to Butch the Bully made me laugh all by itself. But Vivica A. Fox's reply of "I don't like bullies. It better not be a bully."? How did these two end up in this movie? And how did they feel reading lines like this? 

32) "I'm a bully." Butch doesn't hide his true self, and you almost have to respect that about him. 

33) Vivica has a line about how she yelled, but Cool Cat has been yelling the entire movie. There's nothing at all to apologize, Vivica A. Fox. 

34) "Give me your lunch money!" "I'm a bully, and I don't like your sand castle!" I'm pretty sure an adult wrote this movie, but he had to have help from being clobbered in the head with a bat or something. 

35) Wait, there's a writing contest now? With all these shots of Cool Cat struggling with writer's block, I think this might turn into Barton Fink. Is Butch the Bully the equivalent of John Goodman's character? 

36) "This is my best story yet. And you know what? I think it's some of my best work." You can tell he's a writer because he puts words together so elegantly. 

37) Do they switch houses at some point in this movie? Somebody please watch this and let me know. 

38) Suddenly, Cool Cat is talking to the audience more. It makes me uncomfortable every single time. 

39) A Teletubbies-esque sun, teethbrushing in the mirror, or walking down stairs? Which is more magical? 

40) Mikey with a stunt! 

41) This movie contradicts itself. There was all this stuff about how it's important to look both ways before crossing the street, and then Cool Cat darts across the street without looking either way in his pursuit of the bully. I think this movie is messing with us. 

42) Oh, boy. A gun. You know what Hitchcock said about guns. I'm putting my money on Cool Cat's mom getting a bullet. 

43) A slow motion walk to school for absolutely no reason! That's Tarantino-esque! 

44) A lesson was just revealed: "Kids need to follow their heart." 

45) I haven't been able to stop thinking about this movie since I watched it seven days ago.