Sleepless in Seattle

1993 romantic comedy

Rating: 14/20 (Jen: 17/20)

Plot: After hearing a widower who was tricked into calling a radio psychologist talk show by his young son, engaged Annie Reed decides loses interest in her fiance whose only crime is being a little dull in order to be a full-time stalker. Sam's son helps feed her obsession, building to a startling climax.

Meg Ryan. She hasn't done anything notable in years as far as I know. Maybe she's been involved in a bunch of underground independent films that I just haven't heard anything about. Anyway, if you're reading this, Meg Ryan, I have a movie idea for you--Sleepless in Seattle II: A Time to Die. Wait a second, Meg Ryan. Hear me out. You play both yourself and Annie Reed and, in archive footage, the younger Annie Reed from this movie. It's twenty years later. Annie Reed and Sam Reed or whatever the hell his name is are living in the middle of their happily-ever-after. They have three children, two of them twins (I'm picturing the Olson twins, but I usually picture the Olson twins), and Jonah has become a private detective, still suffering from the unelaborated-upon mental disorder that he had in the first movie. The film opens with Annie Reed and Sam Reed at a waterpark or doing something else that white people do. There will more than likely not be any black people in this movie, by the way. Well, unless we can get Mike Tyson involved somehow. Anyway, after a montage where we see how happy Annie and Sam are, it flashes to you, the real Meg Ryan. You're sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating peanut butter directly out of a jar. I hope you feel OK as a nearly-50-year-old woman with a nude scene because I'm not willing to compromise here. And guess what comes on the television, Meg Ryan? That's right. Sleepless in Seattle. And you're sick to death of Sleepless in Seattle. You're almost more tired of this movie than you are having to watch your fake orgasm in When Harry Met Sally. You shut the movie off and decide right then and there that you are going to find and kill the characters from that movie. Hell, you might even eat them. That peanut butter wasn't doing much for you, and you've always secretly wondered what Tom Hanks' forehead would taste like anyway. So you get your hands on a machete and clumsily take a few swings at your television. Eventually, you realize that is silly, so you put some clothes on and find a scientist who can help you transport yourself from the real world to the movie world where Annie and Sam are living happily ever after. Honestly, I haven't thought this part of the movie out all that well. I'm thinking Nicolas Cage for the scientist character though. And Peter Stormare is going to be in this, too, probably like the character who teaches you how to kill with a machete. No, forget machetes. That's been done before. Meg Ryan wouldn't kill with a machete anyway, would she? You can just use your hands. Anyway, I think you know exactly where I'm going with this. You end up in the adult movie world of Sleepless in Seattle, only twenty years after the movie ended, where you try to kill Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan while private detective son Jonah does his best to stop you. I think you'll agree that this sets up all kinds of interesting possibilities, the most interesting for me being the arousing action of a Meg Ryan vs. Meg Ryan catfight. I haven't even started the screenplay yet, but I'm a little like M. Night Shyamalan (people have told me that my writing has become increasingly lame) and think a neat final twist would be that you never entered the world of the movie at all, that you imagined Peter Stormare, and that you and Nicolas Cage just murdered Tom Hanks and ate him before you took your own life. In a final scene, you'd be stumbling along the observation deck of the Empire State Building with Tom Hanks' blood and little pieces of his forehead all over you while screaming, "Nicolas Cage! What have we done?"

Please let me know if this sounds like something you might want to do. And if you talk to Tom Hanks, see if he'll be involved. He's not won an Academy Award for a long time, so he's probably desperate. Tell him that he will not have a nude scene in this.