Special Feature: Fast Five Movies-A-Go-Go

2011 movie franchise turning point

Rating: 14/20 (Jennifer: 13/20)

Plot: I already wrote about this movie here, and the plot synopsis only had one typo.

In anticipation for what might as well be a fucking holiday--New Fast and Furious Movie Release Day--I'm going to do a Movies-A-Go-Go for the fifth, sixth, and seventh movies in this franchise that just can't be stopped. And as a bonus, my lovely wife Jennifer is actually watching all three with me, so some of her thoughts (mostly some, "I really hate you" type stuff) will also be included. So strap on your seat belts, hold onto your asses, and let's roll!

You KNOW this guy's ready! 

Universal globe thing just popped up and I’m already about to shit myself!

I wish I could be Jennifer right now, experiencing the madness that is the Fast and the Furious franchise for the first time. She is one lucky woman for many reasons but especially this reason.

Dominic Toretto! Women want to sleep with him. Men want to BE him. Both want to rub his head and see if some of the magic can rub off on them.

First, I need the physics explained to me. How did Brian’s car flip the bus like that? Second, couldn’t this plan have potentially killed the person they wanted to rescue.

Jen’s reaction when I looked over at her: a sarcastic interjection

Perd Hapley! Jen and I are both filled with glee recognizing him.

Giant Jesus approves!

All these people standing around with guns. Is this what the NRA is shooting for? Pun probably intended.

Jen: “Way to model unsafe sleeping for an infant.” It's early, but I fear her focus is all wrong.

Paul Walker had the prettiest eyes. I want to make it clear that that’s my comment, not Jen’s.

I think John Legend is sitting a couple seats behind Brian on this train.

Jen: “These cars [that they’re stealing off a fucking train!] have gas in them?” Why would anybody focus on a detail like that. I'm going to need her to get in the right frame of mind here or this is going south quickly.

I’m not sure you should be stealing cars off trains like this if you’re pregnant, by the way. If you can't ride roller coasters, you probably can't drive cars off a train.

Dominic just got hit in the back with a crowbar. He didn’t flinch.

The sound effect when Dom throws a guy out of the train and into the railing on a bridge? That sound is a blend of testosterone and grit.

Now Dominic has caught a crowbar swung at him in his hand.

Weird truck thing hits the train. Jen: “Uhhh. How are they going to get away?” She’s on the edge of her seat!

Brian and Dom survive that whole ridiculous episode. Jen, strangely passive: “Yeah. Alright.”

If the bus full of prisoners flipping over and over fifteen times and Vin Diesel emerging unscathed wasn't silly enough, check out this fall from the cliff into the water. People don't survive the Golden Gate Bridge, but both of those guys wind up surviving that fall with no injuries at all? They're superhuman!

And it's not even the most ridiculous thing in the movie.

Breaking chains! I should do research on how strong a person would have to break out of those chains like that. Of course, he can also catch a swung crowbar with his bare hands.

This much adrenaline already, and now The Rock’s pecs have made an appearance.

“Make sure you’ve got your underwear on.” I think The Rock just said that.

Paul Walker was never a great actor. How do you mess up a line with the word “horseshit” in it?

Cool story about the history of why Brazil speaks Portuguese, Senor Reyes. [Note: I thought Reyes was played by the guy who spanked Mary Louise Parker in Weeds, but that's a different Mexican man. I might be a racist.]

If Vin Diesel was mad at me, I think I’d rather just die than have him scream at me.

Jen: “That is an awful name. Nobody names their child Letty.”

Clearly, The Rock asked for Elsa Pataky because she will fit in his pocket.

“You know I like my desert first.” Everything The Rock says is badass. I hope this scene ends with him eating the entire train wreckage.

Another Jesus spotting! Clearly, a fan.

Jen’s impressed by the intelligence of the characters. I don’t know if she was being sarcastic or not.

“The Rock Is Fucking Coming” music!

Your bullets are useless against The Rock!

The Rock: “I thought so.” (after his guys pull out their bigger guns)
Jen: [laughs] Oh, God. Why?

I just giggled enthusiastically when Dom saw The Rock for the first time. Jen questions what I am doing with my life.

Man, those guys were shot up pretty good. Just riddled with bullets there.

Pregnant women shouldn’t parkour on Rio De Janerio rooftops either.

Dom’s sister announces she’s pregnant, and Dom glances down at her abdomen. Does he have x-ray vision?

Two characters have mentioned “family,” and neither one has been Vin Diesel.

How the hell does any normal size actor do a scene with The Rock?

“If he uses the john, I want to know how many times he shakes it.” My God! It’s nearly Shakespearean!

It’s time to talk about fathers! But it’s only because we need to take a breath.

Vin Diesel is having a tough time saying the word “father.”

A no-BBQ-if-you-didn’t-go-to-church rule sounds fascist to me.

Jen just told me I’m not allowed to complain about the shows Buster watches ever again. I have no idea what she’s talking about. I just don't see how those and these cinematic gems are related.

This introduction to the team probably doesn’t sound nearly as cool as it looked on paper.

“Sexy legs. When do they open?”
“They open the same time I pull this trigger. Want me to open them?” I’d still be tempted actually.

“11 million. Sounds like a whole lot of vaginal activity to me.”
Jen: "What the hell?"

Stop, drop, and roll, money!

Reyes has a very lax dress code.

Geez, Reyes. Haven’t you ever heard that you’re not supposed to blame the messenger? Or clobber the messenger in the head with a paperweight?

He’s going to feel that in the morning!

I had to stop myself from imitating the way The Rock says “son of a bitch” because I’m just not man enough.

If all he needed to do is get that box into the evidence room, why did he spend so much time being suspicious? Also, why would they not check the box when the special agent’s race didn’t even match up?

Jen claims she’s too smart for this movie since she figured out that somebody other than Reyes put all this money into the safe and therefore opened it without his hand.

But you know, if that’s the kind of stuff you’re focusing on, you’re not fully committed to Fast and the Furious.

Dom, when forming the team: “We’re going to need a toilet specialist.”

I was in a bathroom that looked exactly like this in northern Indiana once.

I’m not sure this is how you fix a toilet, gentlemen.

And now we’ve entered the butt section of the movie! Loud hip-hop, gratuitous ass shots. If Jen wasn't sold before, she certainly will be now!

This guy they’re talking to is like John Turturro’s Jesus character’s malformed nephew.

That also seems slightly racist. 

Why didn’t they show the racing?

They are spending a ton of money here. I guess you’ve got to spend money to make money.

“I thought she was more of a thong man.”

Come on. An ass grab was the only way the writers of this could figure out to get Reyes’ handprint?

“This guy, he’s Old Testament.” Now I want to see The Rock gouging out people’s eyes. It's got to happen in one of these movies, right?

It’s a good thing the tracker on The Rock's vehicle was involved. Otherwise, that would have been utterly pointless other than causing grown me to be weak in the knees while watching The Rock and Vin Diesel standing face to face like that.

20 dollars worth of silver? That sounds like a dis to me.

“The only way we’re going to beat the cameras is with invisible cars.” And with this franchise, I wouldn’t think that’s an impossibility. Fas1 & the Fu4ious: We're Invisible Now!

I'm still really disappointed they didn't go with my title for the next installment, by the way--Fast 8 Furious: Infinite Drift.

This race with a quartet of stolen police cars for a million dollars seems ill-advised.

Dom took a drink BEFORE saying something about “family” there. It’s like he’s playing a drinking game but did things in the wrong order.

One of the black guys also looked at her stomach after finding out she’s pregnant. I guess that’s just the thing to do.

Oh, man. The Rock vs. Vin Diesel!

Any of these blows would kill a mere mortal.

Hell, these sound effects are almost enough to kill a mere mortal.

Two men--punching faces, growling, breaking walls.

What would have happened if that rocket had hit The Rock? Probably would have been the worst mistake that rocket ever made!

I’m not even sure I understand why they were ambushed. Nor do I really care.

I think I just heard Jen sigh audibly when the guy with the beard explained how he named his son after Dominic.

Sumbitch! How's he make that one word?

I’m not too proud to admit that when the Rock, off-screen, said, “I’m in,” I got goose pimply. And probably slightly aroused.

Jen asked, “Where’s The Rock?” right before that, presumably because she missed him. So when I got to say, “He’s right there!” after that line, it was just that much more special.

Look at the size of The Rock’s gun!

Dragging the fucking safe! I don’t know if I can type during this scene. I can’t keep my hands from shaking!

Jen: “Oh, my God.”

Oh, my God. 

Jen: “I’ve had enough of this. We get it--you can drive fast and furiously and tear up Rio de Janeiro.”

An African American taking out these cop cars has to be satisfying to the Black Lives Matter movement.

I think I just love how inconspicuous their whole plan was.

[Seriously, I was unable to type during the climactic safe scene. It's just so exhilaratingly stupid!] 

The Rock gets confused about the order of things again. He shoots Reyes and then explains to the guy why he shot them.

Who do you think is sweatier right now--The Rock or me?

Vin Diesel: "This is the happiest I’ve ever seen my sister."  When this movie ends, it might be the happiest I’ve ever seen my wife.

Actually, I’m not sure she’s enjoying this as much as me.

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