Special Feature: The Top Ten Most Popular Shane-movies Posts of All Time

Here's a pointless exercise. But pointless exercises just might be my specialty. I mean, I've maintained a movie blog with sub-par writing and almost no real expertise for a little over nine years.

I thought it would be both fun and informative to see what my most popular (read: most accidentally stumbled upon by people searching for this or that and then being really disappointed upon arriving at this blog) blog posts were. Turns out, it was neither fun nor informative. The numbers don't make much sense to me though I will, as I share the list, speculate on them. I'm not going to do the math, but if I had to guess, I'd say the average number of views I get is somewhere right below 100. Most are between 30-70, but there are plenty of outliers.

I'll start with what I believe is the least popular blog post--Searching for the Sugar Man.

This post has an impressive total of five views. That's right--five. It's an odd one because the documentary was fairly popular, and I used the word "Dylanesque" in there somewhere. Of course, I didn't get around to seeing it until a few years after its peak popularity, so maybe people had completely lost interest and had no interest in reading the thoughts of somebody who doesn't really know what he's talking about.

So what are my most-viewed posts of all time? Here they are in reverse order! Click on the titles to enjoy the original posts.

15. Basket Case

Before rereading the post, I figured this had a lot of "hits" because it's a cult favorite. After reading, I decided it had more to do with the use of certain words that might be reeling in the perv crowd. "Female," "sex scene," "sleaze," "puppets," "grimy," "filthy," "landfill-dwelling brethren," "mannish prostitutes," "squishes," "audible drooling," "sticky," and "basket."

So somebody doing a Google search for "grimy mannish puppet prostitutes sex scene with audible drooling in a landfill" would very likely wind up here and be extremely disappointed in what they find.

I just tried that out, and my blog was indeed the first thing that popped up. The site below mine was somebody writing about The Expendables, which he called a "TESTICULAR MASTERPIECE." Those are Harry Knowles' capital letters--not mine. I didn't check to see if he actually used those other words.

14.  Inside Man

I have no idea. I liked this Spike Lee joint, but I can't tell you a single thing about it now. And what could have possibly dragged disappointed Internet scourers to this one? My guess is that they heard about the terrific word play I ended the review with:

"Do the right thing, and give Inside Man a chance!"

Word probably got around about that one.

Person: "Hey, man. I'm going to email you a link to this guy's blog post about the movie Inside Man."
Other person: "The Spike Lee movie that nobody cares about? Why would I want to see that?"
Person: "Seriously, it's so worth it. You just have to see the last sentence of this guy's review!"
Other person: "Yeah?"
Person: "Trust me! This is one of the greatest human achievements in history!"

And yes, this was during my famous "Man" movie streak in which I watched 137 movies in a row with the word "man" in the title. You know, the other greatest human achievement in history.

13. Happy Feet

Well, I'm three movies in, and I'm already hopelessly depressed.

Actually, I'm glad this made the list because in the plot synopsis, I talk about how my use of the word "retarded" is some weird attempt to get more blog traffic and then promise to "do my very best to make this one of my best-written reviews ever." Apparently, it worked!

And for me, that obviously means writing about how I have nipples and penguins don't, turtle orgasms, and hilariously clubbing baby seals to death. And I whine about the oppressive amount of penguin movies, so maybe I snagged a few folks sympathetic to that issue.

I also ended this post with a powerful "Boom!" So it's possible that I was drunk when I wrote the whole thing.

12. Unstoppable

The second Denzel Washington movie to make this list! Maybe he's the force of nature that is drawing people in.

Before clicking on my own post and seeing what this movie even was, I wouldn't have been able to tell you what it was or whether or not I saw it. I would have guessed it was a kung-fu movie actually. This was a movie I saw back when I was working the C-shift at a shifty hotel, watching movies on the Urine Couch when I wasn't busy chasing prostitutes off the property.

I have no idea what anybody would Google to accidentally stumble upon this entry. I spend most of the time talking about my hotel starting to move and traveling down the highway and maybe exploding in a "cloud of cocaine and filth." And I wonder about the chances of two Indiana Indian hotel managers being murdered and thrown in dumpsters.

Seriously, this one is one of the more perplexing additions to this list. Maybe there's more of an interest in Gene Siskel's ghost than I originally thought.

11. Vampire's Kiss

Nicolas Cage, as you're about to discover, is very popular as there are a disproportionate amount of his movies in this list. I'm really happy this made the cut because it's a historic blog post. This, before it had a name, was my first Movies-A-Go-Go post. I've even got time stamps for reasons that I'm not sure I understand. I think I always assumed this Karate Kid post was the first Movies-A-Go-Go, but that's because watching Vampire's Kiss was something like an out-of-body experience for me and my immune system wouldn't let me remember all of the details.

As for the reason why this is such a heavily-viewed blog post, I have to assume it's people who have also seen this movie and then, for their own safety and mental health, tried to purge it from their memories. But somewhere--likely on some subconscious level--they remembered bits and pieces and wanted to revisit even though they couldn't recall exactly what the movie was. So they'd Google things like "movie where Nicolas Cage eats a pillow" or "movie where Nicolas Cage eats a cockroach" or "movie where Nicolas Cage screams the alphabet at some poor woman" or "movie where Nicolas Cage impersonates Max Shreck at a discotheque."

And I'd like to meet these people, maybe form a club or a group or a posse or a gang.

10. Muppet Treasure Island

This entry is from back in '09. I have no real idea why it would be one that a lot of people have looked at. The "review" isn't well written at all. In fact, part of me wants to edit the thing and fix a very obvious and distracting typo and rewrite a sentence with some very poor word choice. My first thought was that maybe people were seeing this and telling their friends, "Hey, you've got to check out this blog entry about a Muppet movie. The guy can't write at all!" But it's not really poorly written in an entertaining way, so I don't think that's it.

My second thought was that maybe I'd slipped the word "porn" or "pornography" in there because when I think of the Muppets, my erection often screams (figuratively), "This is just like pornography for you, isn't it, Shane?" And since I did mention Gonzo in the first sentence of my plot synopsis, I suppose somebody doing a Google search for "gonzo pornography" might be tricked into clicking on the link and then exclaim, "How the hell am I supposed to masturbate to this poorly-written review of a movie with pirate puppets?" and act like I'm the one who has done something wrong.

Swashbuckling gonzo pornography? Is that a thing? It doesn't matter because "pornography" isn't anywhere in that post.

9. Con Air

Here's an easy one to explain. A little less than seven years ago, I declared the summer months The Summer of Nicolas Cage and watched and wrote about at least 20 of The Great One's films in about five months. It was probably the highlight of my life. I can't verify it for sure, but I believe this Nicolas Cage virtual film festival was written about in all sorts of major publications. Con Air was the first movie in The Summer of Nicolas Cage, and I assume after intense interest was drummed up from all those write-ups in newspapers, magazines, and other online sources, people flocked to my blog to see what it was all about.

They were treated with lots of Cage and Malcovich fawning, naturally, and also my speculation about whether Nicolas Cage should be considered a classical element. Earth, wind, fire, air, and Nicolas Cage!

Something else I noticed with this one: Apparently, I censored the f-word at this stage in the blog's existence. "What do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna save the f-in day!" Or maybe I'm not remembering right. Maybe Cage actually does say "save the f-in day" there.

Allusions to pussy, dick, and fire might have helped generate traffic for this one, too. I didn't censor "pussy," by the way. Just the f-word.

8. Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story

Of course the 8th most popular Shane-movies blog post is going to be one of the many classics that VH1 produced. This was an embarrassingly and hilariously bad unauthorized biopic that didn't feature a single Michael Jackson song and where the subject is played by somebody using the pseudonym Flex Alexander to avoid ruining his career.

I don't have statistics for how many people visited this particular post before Jackson's death and after, but I hope it comforted a lot of people who were looking for something to get over the death of the King of Pop. Of course, I may have attracted a crowd with my frequent mentioning of "tickle fights" instead. There are loads of people out there looking for tickle fight videos or tickle fight erotica. Or maybe it was the words "nude Michael Jackson" appearing in that order. So my blog's demographic happens to be sad Michael Jackson fans, people who want to see him naked, and individuals looking for tickle fights. I guess I'm fine with that.

7. Of Mice and Men

Well, this one doesn't seem to fit. I have no clue why this would be a blog entry accidentally stumbled upon, and I might be a little embarrassed that so many people now know that I don't know what "ironic" means. 

6. Gooby

My daughter was around 8 when she saw this. I just asked her if she remembered this, and she said, "Sort of. I think it had a bear it in?" For a movie ostensibly for children, her 8-year-old self's 1/20 rating says a lot. I spent the majority of my review talking about how other people on the Internet compared the titular character in this to the bear in that one scene in The Shining. And that, ladies and gentlemen, still makes me laugh almost uncontrollably today.

This is the sixth most popular post on my blog, and I'm willing to bet it's all people watching the movie and then doing research to figure out if it really is a Shining prequel or sequel. As far as I know, this isn't a very well-known children's movie, so there might not be all that much information on the web about it. Therefore, the chances that they'll find my blog in their manic search to figure out what the hell is going on with this bear character might eventually lead them to my ever-informative blog.

My only other guess about the popularity of this post is that people were trying to Google something else and accidentally Googled "Gooby" instead. If there's some word that is sort of like "Gooby" that has something to do with farting or the intestines--both which I reference in my write-up--then it's possible somebody gassy came to shane-movies in order to find some relief.

They will find no relief with Gooby. I'm sure of that.

5. The Family Man

It's Nicolas Cage again! What are the odds that three movies with the word "man" in the title would appear on this list out of the 3000+ poorly-written reviews I've got on this blog? I guess not so bad when the blogger watched 138 movies in a row with titles featuring the word "man." Yes, I'm bringing that up again.

This is an interesting time in my movie-watching life before I fully appreciated the force that is Nicolas Cage. This entire write-up is just making fun of the movie's half-assed tagline--"What if you made different choices? What if you said yes, instead of no? What if you got a second chance?" And I use that to make fun of a handful of other Cage performances. It's the kind of thing that I could find on the Internet now that would cause me to scroll down to the comment section and type furious defenses of the man.

"Tea Leoni's shower scene." Is there enough interest in something like that to get people coming to my blog?

4. The Incredibles

A couple other Pixar movies narrowly missed making it on this list. I have a sneaking suspicion that over 2,000 of the "views" of this entry were actually Cory just checking in again to see if I had changed my mind and raised my rating a little bit. If not, the popularity has to be in the brief discussion of Helen's elastic posterior. I'm sure there's an elastic posterior fetish, right?

It's more than likely a combination of Cory and Helen's elastic posterior combined with the popularity of Pixar movies.

A discussion in the comments turns into one on comic books. I suppose that could have something to do with it, too.

3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

Take your pick to explain the appeal of this one:

--the overall popularity of the Potterverse
--a mention of playing "hide-and-seek with Hermione"
--a reference to an autographed Peter Mayhew picture (still not for sale)
--Horcrux speculation, bound to draw Potter fiends to me like a magnet
--people Googling "wizard's sleeve"
--the words "Halitosis bonerificus" and the promise of spell instructions

There are four Harry Potter movies on the blog, and the other three all have a normal amount of views. This one has ten times the normal amount of views. Halitosis bonerificus!

2. The Little Mermaid

When I first noticed that I could even see statistics on blog views and stuff, this and the mostly-highly-viewed movies both surprised me. I couldn't figure out why the hell they would be immensely more popular than any of the other crappy blog posts I write. Or, more accurately, why people would be lured by some combination of accidental treachery and blind luck to some posts more than others.

With this entry, it's completely obvious. It's almost like I intentionally wrote this entry to entrap the pervert crowd, like that Chris Hansen guy from To Catch a Predator was hiding behind my review of City Lights and waiting for the perfect moment to pop out and tell somebody to have a seat. I don't think that was my intention, but it's hard to tell with me.

What word choices might arouse the curiosity of a basement-dwelling degenerate?

Horny teenage mermaid? Check. Hot sea witch? Check. Brittney Spears lyrics? Check. Little girls? Check. All the sex? Check. An erection? Check. The sexual awakening of a young girl? Check. Phallic sharks? Check. I want to jump his bones, Scuttle? Check. Mermaid vagina? Check. Sexy time? Check. Weird sexual tension with Ursula and Triton? Check. Saucy? Check. Hormone-driven teenage girls (and mermaids) looking to satiate their confusing newfound lust? Well, yes, if reader comments (Cory) count. The shenanigans of underaged mermaids doing the nasty? Again, check, if Barry's comment counts. Bestiality? Check. Buddy Hackett? Check!

I don't want to meet people who accidentally arrived at this blog post searching for some of that. Well, unless they searched for "Buddy Hackett sexy time." I'd love to throw those people a party.

1. Bicentennial Man

What the hell, people? My most popular entry is a movie that I completely loathed? Is it Internet robots who keep visiting this page? A.I. programs trying to collect information on possible methods of torture for humans? Is it people interested in the television sitcom Small Wonder? Robots interested in the television sitcom Small Wonder?

Other movie posts that seem extremely popular:

American History X
Italian Spiderman
Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy
Seed of Chucky
Amos and Andrew (more Nicolas Cage)
Matchstick Men (even more Nicolas Cage)
Who Am I?
The Weather Man (don't underestimate the appeal of Nicolas Cage)
Ali G. Indahouse
Batman and Robin
War of the Gargantuas
Pulp Fiction
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
And documentaries on Harlow Hickenlooper, Jose Mojica Marins, and Gumby

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