2013 action sequel
Rating: 14/20 (Jen: 12/20)
Plot: This movie was already written about right here, and the plot synopsis--if I do say so myself--was exquisitely and meticulously crafted.
Before the A-Go-Go begins, I want to address a concern that a lot of my faithful readers seem to have. Following the A-Go-Go entry, I've gotten a lot of emails asking about the state of my marriage after I forced my wife to watch three Fast and the Furious movies in three consecutive nights. I want to report that the marriage is still intact although I believe both of us have lost a little respect for each other.
Without further adieu, let's jump into things. Lord knows the Fast and Furious makers do!
More questionably reckless behavior from our heroes, this time, right from the opening seconds.
Goat! The car sounds quieted down just enough for the goat to be audible.
Suddenly, in my search for a goat picture to put in this entry for no fucking good reason that I can think of, I want a future Fast and Furious movie to include a talking goat as a character. Would that be jumping the shark or not?
Jen and I both agree that this opening with recapped highlights from the other movies is a little too much like a TV show.
I didn’t know The Rock could even fit in Moscow. The Rock fitting inside Moscow might be a factual error.
Five minutes in, and we’ve already got on Jennifer “This is so stupid” mumble. I'd have to do further research and statistical analysis, but I'm willing to bet that the more "This is so stupid" mumbles from my wife, the more I'm enjoying the movie.
“If you want to catch wolves, you need wolves. Let’s go huntin’.” I'm trying to guess how horny my wife must be right now. Again, statistical analysis is probably needed.
Side boob! I appreciate it if Jen doesn’t.
Vin Diesel full boob. Now there's something we can both appreciate.
Side note: I'm supposed to be working right now and wonder if I'm going to be called into my principal's office to discuss why I'm Google-Imaging "goat" and "Vin Diesel shirtless" while I'm supposed to be teaching.
As if we needed any confirmation that this franchise is a soap opera for boys, Vin Diesel opens that envelope and finds his dead girlfriend’s picture.
Coca Cola product placement. And asses. Ass placement.
I know better than to Google Image "ass," by the way.
I really need to stop this.
Brian’s baby has no interest in either the toy car or the paper airplane.
These toy cars are likely also product placement. I’m sure those official Fast and the Furious cars can be purchased somewhere, right?
These are from the 7th movie. I'm sure the 6th has toy cars, too.
Paul Walker--still not an actor.
Family! Way to break that theme open, Dom’s sister!
The Rock smells like baby oil. I'm making a note of that.
“You keep running your pie hole, you’re going to smell an ass kicking.” And screenplay writer Chris Morgan should have smelled an Oscar nomination for lines like this.
Casualty count: 1 snack machine. Also, more Coke product placement here.
Family! The Rock knows what’s up!
I really like those Indy car looking things that Statham's little brother is driving around.
Jen just got a second phone warning. Her excuse was that this bitchin’ car chase was “going on a little too long.”
The cars crashing here are doing nearly as much damage as a 10-ton safe being dragged through town.
This car ballet through this tunnel is breathtaking. Fast and furious choreography! The same part of my brain that enjoys choreographed dance movement in a 1940's movie musical is enjoying the hell out of this right now.
And The Rock does something completely ridiculous--a leap from one rapidly moving vehicle to the top of another one level below the parking garage or whatever that was. And only to roll off the car, fire a couple ineffective shots, and then spit. It was a ridiculous stunt that accomplished nothing, and that’s why it’s beautiful.
“Your voice just went from Shaggy to Scooby-Doo.” That’s so good and so stupid at the same time. I think I have to lean toward "so stupid" a little more though.
Family! Vin Diesel knows that not even a bullet to his massive chest equates to turning your back on family.
100 Grand product placement.
“We got a white Hobbs.” No, you don’t. That’s actually pretty blasphemous there, Roman Pearce.
All this car talk. You just picture the writers of this thing penning this thing in a garage while masturbating fast and furiously.
Jen: "Ba-ba-bump" following a dick joke. And then, “I hate this movie.”
The scene where they get the snooty car guy to strip seems extraneous. I guess it's supposed to be comic relief, but it's way too dopey for a movie that is later going to have a tank in it. This should have been cut.
I can suffer through the gun fight and shaky-cam foot race scene because I know there’s a catfight coming up. And lord knows I loves me a good cat fight.
I’ve seen a lot of movies, but I can’t think of too many cases where I’ve seen the jump-punch thing the characters do in these. Is that really a thing? Maybe I just need to see more fights. Or get in more fights.
If I could figure out how to make the bone-crunching sound effects used in this scene where The Rock shakes the big guy’s hand my ringtone, I’d do it.
Name another franchise that so loosely uses words like “big boy panties.”
Jen does not like the violence in this. I believe that's the main turn-off for her. Man up, Jennifer!
These nighttime street-racing preludes always make me want to take my Camry to one of these deals. Maybe get some hydraulics all up in there first.
I both like and hate the nocturnal street racing through oily streets. That choreography!
“Show me how you drive; I’ll show you who you are.” So my wife must be the most terrible person on the planet! Ba-ba-bump!
I’m not even sure if my wife has scars. I guess I don’t pay as much attention as Vin Diesel. He can probably remember Letty's birthday, too.
If I’m ever single again (likely, if I keep making my wife watch Fast and Furious movies), I’m going to try to pick up women by making up stories about how they got scars to see if I can get lucky and guess one.
“This scar right here,” I’ll say as I run my fingers along a scar on her shoulder, “was from a game of Red Rover, Red Rover that got a little out of hand. And this one," I'll add, pointing to her knee, "was when a truck hit you while you were riding on a scooter that was too small for you."
I think I like the consistency of Vin Diesel’s performance. Aside from a couple moments when he gets really mad and starts punching concrete walls, he delivers every single line exactly the same.
Family! Shaw’s done his research--like, watching the other movies.
Brian’s trip to prison really didn’t reveal much of anything, did it? I’m not exactly sure what that accomplished. Also, I’m ready to see that tank.
I think The Rock’s somabitch tally is now at three. It’s Dwayne Johnson’s world, people, and we’re all just somabitches in it.
"What are you looking at, you somabitch?"
Samoan Thor. I’m going to change my wife’s name in my phone contact into from “Richard Parker” (a Life of Pi reference) to “Samoan Thor” just so that I’ll think The Rock is calling me whenever she calls.
Speaking of phones, Jen’s been caught with her phone five times now, but she refuses to hand it over.
Why aren’t there Wilhelm Screams in these movies?
THAT’S A FUCKING TANK! FUCK YEAH!
Let the mayhem begin!
None of these characters wear their seat belts. What kind of example is that setting for young people?
"Do what we do best--we improvise?" When do they ever improvise? Don’t they usually plan everything out meticulously?
Guy jumping out of what appeared to be a Gremlin made a nice scream there. No Wilhelm Scream though. It would have been the perfect place for one. Somebody get me in touch with Vin Diesel.
A lot of innocent people are being killed in this tank scene here. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
The Rock: “Jesus Christ.”
I don’t care what anybody says. These people are superheroes, and that was one of the most terrific action sequences of all time. Ridiculous, and with a complete disregard for physics! What more could a warm-blooded American male ask for?
I was wondering where that big white guy was.
Seriously--the tank is "anchored," Letty gets tossed in the air, Vin Diesel anticipates it, he steers the car into the railing, he flies off the car he was just driving and catches his girl in mid-air, they both sail all the way across the divide between the roads and land on the windshield of a car, somehow safely. What lunatic storyboarded that?
Nothing about letting Shaw get away makes any sense. Of course, there’d be no way of ending with this ridiculous plane scene, so I’m not going to complain.
Every time The Rock says “Grab the wheel,” something amazing happens.
What am I saying? Every time The Rock is on the screen, something amazing happens!
Flying head butt! In the research I'm going to conduct where I get in fights to determine whether or not people really do that jump-punch thing, I'm going to have to use the flying head butt as my finishing move.
This plane sequence is almost exactly like that scene near the end of Toy Story 2, only without a horse. Everything else is pretty much exactly the same.
This is unrealistic, only because there isn’t a plane large enough to fit both The Rock and this giant white guy.
The Rock and the giant white guy are going to fight, by the way. I'm pretty excited about that.
I think The Rock just showed off a four foot vertical when punching the white guy after Vin Diesel picked him up. And I’m not sure how, but I think it may have killed the white guy.
R.I.P., white guy.
And then she ruins it with speculation that Han is going to go back to smoking. Totally insensitive!
These leaps from the plane into a moving car seem a little unrealistic.
Would all these falls from the plane necessarily kill these characters, by the way? Could Gal Gadot or any of these bad guys pop up in sequels? I think they could!
Best plane action since Con Fucking Air!
That settles it. Vin Diesel is invincible!
Finally! The foreshadowed barbecue! It's about time!
This is apparently how tough guys have conversations. Shoulder to shoulder conversations without looking at each other. [Note: I couldn't find a picture of this. Trust me--it's weird.]
“Until next time.” Hell, yeah! And the next time! And the next time! Give me a Fast and the Furious movie every two years until I wither away, Hollywood!
Brian’s baby doesn’t really seem to even enjoy being in a Fast and the Furious movie. It’s almost shameful.
“Thank you for fast cars.” Amen!
I'm reading the credits. Jen's fled the living room, fearing I'll immediately pop in Furious 7. And there's a disclaimer. Oh, I’m not supposed to go out and duplicate any of that? But what if I encounter a tank?
And the promise of Jason Statham! I would have cheered in the theater. Or crapped myself!
Just had a thought--can you imagine Nicolas Cage in one of these movies? I think I'm putting that at the very top of my wish list.