Special Feature: Furious 7 Movies-A-Go-Go

2015 sequel

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: no rating)

Plot: Like my previous two entries, this is a repeat. I already wrote an award-worthy blog entry about this movie a couple years ago, and the plot synopsis for that was accurate and nothing short of brilliant. You can find that original entry right here.

I may have lied in my last entry about my marriage being fine. My wife Jennifer actually hasn't spoken to me since somewhere around the end of this movie, and that's why I don't have a rating up there. If I had to guess, I'd say her rating was somewhere in the 19-20 range, but I don't want to put numbers in her mouth.

I don't make trips to the theater very often because I have a fear of people trying to touch my neck in the dark. But I am seeing the 8th installment of this ridiculous franchise in a few hours. I'm pretty excited. But this entry isn't about the 8th movie. It's about the 7th one, and here were my thoughts (with a few of Jennifer's) as I rewatched it.

Hi, everybody! I'm not real! 

Well, Statham, the hospital has less of a chance to take care of your little brother if you’ve completely destroyed the hospital he’s in. Darth Vader didn’t even do that much damage at the end of Rogue One.

Race Wars--Director James Wan gets right to the point with what appeals to fans of these movies. Fast cars and asses!

You want asses and fast cars? I'll take care of you. 

Jen: “Why isn’t Michelle Rodriguez wearing a bikini like these other women here?” First off, Jen, that's sexist.

Jen: “This one’s getting a ten.” I don’t have a lot of rules here at shane-movies, but rating a movie 5 minutes into it breaks all of them.

Letty: “What are you doing?”
Dom: “What I should have done a long time ago.” Vandalize tombstones?

Jen: “Is she in the country illegally?”
Me: “Is [The Rock] on the planet illegally?”
Jen: no response

“You just earned yourself a dance with the devil, boy.” Every. Single. Fucking. Thing. He. Says.

Every time The Rock gets in a fight in one of these, lots of stuff gets broken. He's like the Fat Man of action movies.

These sound effects are hurting me!

Anybody else think they should put onomatopoeic words on the screen like in the Batman TV show? That would be great! 

The Rock can actually be injured after a gigantic explosion and a fall from about three stories onto a car, which his body totals, by the way. An injury to The Rock is this franchise’s “jumping the shark” moment. And probably a continuity error.

Can you imagine Dwayne Johnson reading the script and saying, "What a second. I spend most of the movie in the hospital with injuries? How's that even possible?"

“Cars don’t fly.” Just you wait, the late Paul Walker! Just you wait.

That was not the most realistic explosion I’ve ever seen.

Don’t look so glum, Dom. I know your house just exploded, but this could just be a chance to have an impromptu barbecue.

Jen’s phone has now been confiscated. She is really angry right now.

Hobbs has a kid? Immaculate conception is my best guess.

Jen was not impressed with that “he’s gonna wish his momma would have kept her legs closed” line.


Jen: “I hate you now.”

I can’t think of a reason why they wouldn’t "Grand Moff Tarkin" Paul Walker into more F&F movies. It would be a nice way for his family to keep making money off of these.

Or just go ahead and put Grand Moff Tarkin in there somewhere. Why not?

Should I be this surprised that Vin Diesel’s character owns a suit? Am I stereotyping?

I wish this car chase out of the cemetery included those little magnetic funeral flags they put on the cars.

This car showdown with the shadows of giant fans is as majestically filmed as the gunfights in Sergio Leone’s spaghetti Westerns. I'm not even joking.

Jen: “I think they both lost that game of chicken.”

I’m not used to seeing Kurt Russell without ridiculous facial hair.

Corona product placement. Of course, that's in almost all of these movies.

I don’t think I could get away with holding a beer bottle the way Vin Diesel does--that close to the top with what appears to be a tight grip. I'm just not man enough.

“This happens to be the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard in my life.” The producers embracing these stupid ideas is what makes this franchise so magical!

Jen seems really agitated tonight. More agitated than she was the previous two nights.

Crazy shit! Absolutely, Kurt Russell! Bring it hard, people!

Jen: “Just when I thought it couldn’t get any stupider.”

Cars have just left the airplane, my friends. Cars are flying. Boner activated!

I don’t know much about cars, but I think Paul Walker’s driving a hatchback of some kind.

Man, that was so incredibly stupid. And I love it!

These movies have a lot of fisticuffs, but they also somehow manage to have cars engage in fisticuffs, too. It's not much different than if Pixar had the characters having fistfights in Cars.

Kurt Russell should only be in movies where women are hanging on to hoods of cars for their lives. Of the exactly two movies I can think of where that happens, this one is far better.

These reactions from guys about to die--where the sound cuts out and they make little squelchy noises--are so great.

Driving down a tree-covered mountain like this--isn’t this how Sonny Bono died? I know the circumstances were similar.

shane-movies reaches a new low.

Fighting on a bus in which the driver has just been shot on a mountainous road is pretty much how I feel almost every day of my life as a middle school teacher.

“Too slow!” Was that Short Round? I hope that’s not racist or anything.

With that sprint off the bus thing and a record-breaking leap to the back of Letty’s car, it’s confirmed that these characters are fucking superheroes. There’s just no other explanation.

Why would a man with Dominic's skull even need to own a helmet? Another movie error, I think.

They just survived that. [Note: I don't know what "that" means here, but I assume it's when Dominic drives off the cliff to escape. But this is something I could type numerous times during these movies.]

Jen: “And these yahoos just know exactly where to go to meet them.” That’s her issue with that entire action sequence? That Paul Walker and the rest of them know where Dom ended up?

Good thing she was wearing that helmet, by the way!

Jen just snickered at a “sit your candy ass down” comment. She claims it was sarcasm, but there’s really no way to tell.

We’ve just had a camel spotting!

Jen: “I hope the next people they fight are on camels. Cars against camels. Who do you think would win?” I really think she’s making fun now. Again, there’s really no way to tell.

Note: Not a camel featured in the movie. And add a camel to that goat I talked about earlier and Nicolas Cage to actors/animals I want added to this Fast and the Furious franchise. 

She also doubts that women are walking around in bikinis in the Middle East.

Wow, they clean up nice.

No flashbacks!

Gold-painted women? This guy really knows how to throw a party.

Also--I think I saw both Taylor Swift and Ricardo Montalban at this party.

Totally not in the movie

Probably in the movie

Why am I thinking about how they got the car in there? I asked Jen and she says, “They probably have a service elevator just for cars.” Because that makes perfect sense.

Rhonda Rousey--thespian.

Rousey did that jump-punch thing that I was talking about characters doing in the last A-Go-Go. So now I know it’s legit because a real professional fighter like Rousey wouldn’t be doing that if it wasn’t.

According to Rousey’s last two fights, she can’t take that many punches.

“Time to unleash the beast.” Hell yeah!

Jen thinks the similarities to the World Trade Center are obvious. She also told me not to type that, but I did anyway. I wasn’t sure she was serious about not wanting me to type it. I mean, how can you tell?

Jen’s prediction: Kurt Russell’s character is going to turn out to be a bad guy. Let’s see if she’s right!

It’s time for a fucking montage! A let’s-get-ready-to-rumble montage! Sawed-off shotguns, bullet-proof vests, conversations about sandwiches. Foreplay rarely gets this intense.

Jen: “I miss The Rock.”
Me: “No spoilers, but the greatest moment in movie history is coming up.”
Jen: “The Rock just makes everything OK.”

Just in case this plan didn’t make sense the first time, they went ahead and explained it again.

I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for The Rock’s big moment.

“Oh shit!” is this franchise’s “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

More chicken? I’m not sure of the point of that the first time, fellas. I'm not sure how that could get you what you want.

That spinning Ramsey-transfer-from-one-car-to-another thing. How many people saw this storyboarded and still let the idea come to fruition?

Head-on collisions! Statham and Diesel are real men.


All that work to get that shotgun ready and you’re just going to fight with giant wrenches?

This music recalls the score accompanying the Darth Maul vs. Jedi fight in Episode One.

These guys are doing more damage to Los Angeles than Godzilla or Gamera could ever do.

That “Too slow!” seemed a little forced. A one-liner recall just didn’t work there.

The Rock’s about to do something absolutely impossible, and once again, I’m aroused.

“Woman, I am the cavalry.” If I ever have sex with my wife again, I'm going to say this before going in.

Yeah, why depend on something antiquated like CPR when you’ve got the power of flashbacks to bring Vin Diesel back to life?

A bunch of blows to Vin Diesel’s head, and Letty’s memory comes back. So that's how it works!

Such a touching tribute to Paul Walker. Unfortunately, his character has to metaphorically “die” to this terrible song.

Bring on Fate of the Furious! Jen and I are ready! [Note: Jennifer says she is not seeing it, but I'm not sure if she's serious or not. It's hard to tell.]

No comments: