Special Feature: The Top Ten Christmas Movies of All Time

For the past 8 years, we've had a War on Christmas that has prohibited from making a list like this. Thankfully, that war has now ended, and the world can enjoy my list of the 10 best Christmas movies of all time.

Christmas movie aficionados may notice some omissions: Batman Returns, Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure, and It's a Wonderful Life, most notably. If you don't like my list, go make your own stupid list. Stop wasting your time reading lists like mine and make something of yourself.

I want to apologize for starting this off so belligerently. The sun is in the perfect position to be right in my eye, and there's nothing I can do about it except move somewhere else. I had a headache before I started this thing, and after doing ten minutes of research, the headache is even worse. And now this sun!

Elves

I skimmed my review of this, and it turns out that I didn't really enjoy it. Pickings are slim when searching for classic Christmas cinema though, so this makes the list. IMDB plot keywords contain the obvious Christmas ones like "loneliness" and "stabbed to death," but also some surprises in the old stocking like "incest," "monster rape," "electrocuted in bathtub," and "Nazi conspiracy." Television's Grizzly Adams himself--Dan Haggerty--plays a sort of Santa Claus anti-hero.

Saving Christmas

Feel-good Christian movie mojo from that guy who played Boner's friend on Growing Pains, Saving Christmas might be the lone religious movie on my list unless you're one of those fools who actually consider "Jedi" a religion. And that, friends, is a spoiler. This movie wouldn't have any business being a part of a list on a well-respected blog like this except for the scene featured in the above screenshot in which J.C.'s BFF K.C. shows off The Worm. Nothing--and I mean nothing--says Christmas like Kirk Cameron doing the worm in front of a Christmas tree while a black kid watches in amazement. Trump may be currently boasting that he has single-handedly saved Christmas from the clutches of the black president and his terrifying liberal minion, but I don't think he could have done it without Kirk Cameron laying the foundation with this movie.

Santa with Muscles

A jolly mismatch of genres including science fiction and fantasy, action, comedy, and orphan movies, this Hulk Hogan movie is probably the toughest movie on the list. It's the only movie on the list with 24-inch pythons! We just watched this for our Bad Movie Club. It was my second viewing, and I'm not proud of that at all. In fact, it's actually kind of depressed me a little bit. I'm going to give you all a warning about this one: Unlike most other Christmas movies, you have to suspend your disbelief a little bit with this one.

Christmas on Mars

Well, I'm already totally bored with this list and wish I would have never started it! This is about the point where people are going to stop reading anyway, so I don't feel like saying much about this silly sci-fi musical adventure from the Flaming Lips. It's like It's a Wonderful Life mixed with 2001: A Space Odyssey. I think I might appreciate this movie more because people spent so long on it--something like 8 years--and ended up with something so stupid. It's got the guy from Blue's Clues and lots of vaginas, so if that's what you'd like to find under your tree this Christmas, this is probably the movie for you!

Ernest Saves Christmas

I might quit this blog entry soon and just delete the thing and pretend it never happened. That "find under your tree this Christmas" thing up there makes me sick to my stomach. I'm embarrassed that I typed that, and I'm even more embarrassed that I'm leaving it up there. But at least I was never in one of Jim Varney's "Ernest" movies. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I would have given my left nut to be in an Ernest movie. My brother, who isn't speaking to me anymore, claims that I fell asleep in the theater when we saw this. We used to watch them all on the screen, likely because it's the only way to fully appreciate an Ernest movie. That, or we were mentally ill. If Jim Varney were still alive, American would have put him in Congress by now.

Star Wars Holiday Special

The only thing that could have made this television event more festive would be a scene where Mark Hamill milks a space creature. If you've never been talked into watching this, finding out right now that it starts with a bunch of non-subtitled Wookiee speak, has a scene where Bea Arthur sings a song with the Cantina band, another scene where Art Carney shows Chewbacca's kid some pornography, drug-aided appearances by a wide-eyed Mark Hamill and bored Carrie Fisher, and a Boba Fett cartoon. Now that I think about it, this celebration of some Wookiee holiday called Life Day is likely precisely what pissed off Trump and those bunch of morons who support him and think there's actually a war on Christmas.

A Christmas Story

As a Hoosier, I've got no choice but to include this Christmas coming-of-age comedy. I'm sure it will be a popular choice, and I'm going to take a moment to put my head back, close my eyes, and imagine all the blog comments rolling in. "I'm glad you included A Christmas Story, Shane. It's a classic!" Maybe references to shooting eyes out or leg lamps. Every Christmas, I'm reminded that there's a sequel to this movie that I've never seen where Ralphie loses his virginity. I should check that out sometime!

A Muppet Christmas Carol

My brainstorming paper included all sorts of variations on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol including Scrooge, Scrooged, Scroogin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, Rich Little's Christmas Carol, A Christmas Carol, An American Christmas Carol, and A Christmas Carol. This surpasses them all because it's got puppets. Muppet wizardry and that lovable stupid humor make this a really enjoyable Christmas movie even if it's not upper-echelon Muppet action. Avid readers might recall that I first saw this movie at the theater on what can only be called a homosexual date.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Scandinavian joy abounds in this tale about the unearthing of an old guy who may or may not be Santa Claus during an archaeological dig. This is the one that TBS or TNT or whatever cable channel it is should show over and over again even though it doesn't take place in Indiana. Darkly humorous and endlessly surprising, this is sure to delight both children and adults alike as long as children and adults enjoy looking at naked old men. 

Nightmare Before Christmas

For the record, this would also go on my Halloween movie list if I made one of those. I'm not going to make one of those, however, because this has been absolute torture, seriously one of the worst decisions I've made in 2017. And it's not like I can even say I don't have anything better to do with my time. I could be spending time with family. I could be writing about other movies that I haven't written about yet. I could be watching another movie. I have plenty that I could do! Instead, I'm writing this thing that nobody is going to read anyway. My God, this is depressing! Anyway, I'm a sucker for stop-animation anyway, and I really like the creative energy of this, the gorgeous imagery, and the fun songs. I also like that I can go in any Hot Topic store in any mall and pick up a t-shirt or something with these characters on it.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

I've seen this holiday classic a few times, but I just thought about how I've seen Elf with Will Ferrell about twice as much and became melancholic. I guess I must like the Christmas sci-fi sub-genre. That, or I like movies where Santa Claus is Claus-napped. It's probably the latter. Throw in little people, a polar bear, a freakin' robot, and a song that should be a Christmas classic played at least as much as that terrible Paul McCartney song and probably way more, and you've got yourself a great holiday movie! By the way, I see this as a cautionary tale, warning people of what Christmas is capable of turning them into.

Christmas Evil

This is John Waters' favorite Christmas movie, and that's probably all you need to know. Some terrific black comedy, a great lead performance from Brandon Maggort, a great score, and all sorts of unpredictable goings-on, this subversive character study also warns about what can happen when people take Christmas spirit to extremes. There are more Christmas slasher movies than you can throw a dead reindeer at, but this one, which actually isn't really a slasher movie at all, is the best. Pictured above is likely the only Santa Claus police line-up in cinema.

Santa Claus

You have to love a movie that would ruin the idea of Santa Claus and Christmas for a child if they saw it. The creepiness and weirdness of Santa's surveillance techniques, his reindeer, and his choice in friends would be enough to make children decide not to believe anymore because the reality of a world in which this sort of magic can exist is too frightening to deal with. Kind of like the Trump presidency. This is from Rene Cardona, the Mexican director who did one Aztec Mummy movie and some Santo movies. Only a guy like Cardona can understand that in order to have an authentic Christmas movie, it's got to include Satan.

Eyes Wide Shut

Of course Stanley Kubrick's modern Christmas classic would have to be pretty high on the list. What's most surprising to me is that this film didn't inspire people to come to Christmas gatherings or parties in masks and g-strings. I mean, I've seen those silly leg lamps for sale, and people even celebrate Festivus, the made-up Seinfeld anti-holiday. So why didn't this movie inspire more Christmas orgies? Maybe it did, and I just don't have the right friends. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't get invited to Christmas parties. If I ever do, I guess I'll show up in a mask.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

When I originally wrote about this movie (see the link above), I challenged somebody to find a more excruciating Christmas movie than this one. There's no way it's possible. And that's enough to put it at #2 on my list. If movies or television specials with Will Ferrell, Charlie Brown, Frosty, Rudolph, Ralphie, Chevy Chase, Batman, cute kittens or puppies, Tim Allen, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Chewbacca's family, Kirk Cameron, Rich Little, or the Grinch are capable of helping viewers find Christmas joy, this one has to do the exact opposite. Call it Christmas misery, I guess. Or Christmas angst, Christmas distress, Christmas melancholia, Christmas torment, or Christmas sorrow. This one brings the pain, and it does so magically with the titular bunny character, a bunch of kids, Thumbelina, and a guy in a gorilla suit. It's a wonderful experience.

And the number 1 Christmas movie of all time?

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas

Christmas perfection, and if you think about it, you know Jesus would agree with me.

So, friends, what did I leave off? What Christmas favorites do you feel belong on the list of the ten greatest Christmas movies of all time? Feel free to share in the comments below.