Bad Movie Club: Elves

1989 horror movie

Bad Movie Rating: 3/5 (Fred: 2/5; Josh; 3/5; Melissa: stopped watching after a scene where a cat was drowned in a toilet for absolutely no reason; Jeremy: didn't finish; Libby: didn't finish)

Rating: 5/20

Plot: Three girls accidentally summon an elf when the daughter/granddaughter of a Nazi bleeds on the ground. Grizzly Adams has to come to the rescue.

I probably should have given you a spoiler warning for that plot synopsis because I'm pretty sure both the Nazis and the fact that the main character's dad is also her grandfather are both supposed to be plot twists. It's hard to tell in a movie like this. When a movie practically begins with a little brother named Willy who likes to check out his sister's boobs, it's really hard to tell what is supposed to be a plot twist and what is just the normal world of that movie.

This is a strange movie, and it did nothing to get us in the Christmas spirit. Which is surprising since the movie has television's Grizzly Adams, Dan Haggerty, whose former-detective-turned-alcoholic character is repeatedly referred to as "Santa" in the movie.

Why, yes! There is also a brief shot of a bear in this movie!

And then you add the elf. It's a singular elf, by the way, so if you want to be angry at the movie for anything, be angry because of false advertising. We were promised elves! This elf is called a "troll raccoon" and a "ninja gremlin" (twice), but to me, it looked just like an elf. It evolves as the movie progresses, but at one point, our elf looks like this: 

Yes, caramelized with mouth agape. It actually can't make any expression but that one. The elf can't close his mouth. 

And then, you add some terrific dialogue. Three writers were credited in the opening credits, but imdb only lists Jeffrey Mandel. But check out this brilliant writing: 

"It was a bad day at work. Santa got murdered." 
"The man in the study is your father. And your grandfather!" 
(In response to her brother's "Are we going to be alright?"): "No, Willy. Grandpa's a Nazi." 

That's right. Jeffrey Mandel won't stop at a silly looking ninja gremlin and Dan Haggerty. He's going to also throw that Nazi plot in there, a little incest, a cat drowning, and nipples. Speaking of nipples, there's a great death scene in this where the woman who previously drowned a cat in a toilet for no reason is electrocuted in the bathtub. She's played by Deanna Lund who looks fantastic naked, especially given that she was apparently 52 when this movie came out. I was happy that the movie would include some tubby time, illogically preceded by frantic lipstick application, and then even happier when she jerked around during the electrocution sequence, and then even happier when I saw this: 

Not a classic good-bad movie or anything, and there are probably better options if you're looking for terrible Christmas entertainment. However, any movie that inspires a Bad Movie Club member to type, "He just died by being repeatedly knifed in the taint, right?" is an OK movie in my book. 

No comments: